I am currently pacing around in my apartment. How long have I been waiting? I look at my phone to see no text messages from her. I then look at the calendar on my phone. Two weeks and still no contact. I decided to go for a walk. I left my messy apartment, that way I can see people. It sounds sad, but seeing strangers interacting with one another makes me feel better. It’s because I can feel less lonely. I sat down on a park bench. The autumn leaves coating the ground. The trees were still beautiful even though this season is when the trees lose their usual color and leaves. I looked around and saw couples. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. My gaze became narrowed. I don’t like this feeling. 

“Aah!” a man yelps.

I then hear a light thud. I looked for the source of the voice. I saw a man on the ground. He was with a woman. The woman couldn’t stop laughing at him. He must have slipped on the leaves. 

“I’ve never heard you make such a high pitched noise before.” she continues to laugh hard while clutching her stomach. 

The guy then pulled her down with him, causing her to scream in between her laughter. I looked away before my eyes began to hurt. Normally a situation like that would make me laugh or smile at least. I can’t even crack a small smile. Seeing that couple made me want to check my phone to see if I got any messages from her. Still nothing. Maybe I should delete those memories, she clearly has moved on already. I hovered my finger over the bin icon on the screen. For some reason my stubborn heart couldn’t bring itself to delete it. I sighed then thought of checking the calendar again. I felt deflated, because on the screen it read: Happy Birthday. Some birthday this is. I can feel a heavy weight on my chest, restricting my breath. I decided to head back home. On the way there I noticed a lot of things that could have made me laugh or smile. Such as a dog running up to me. I patted its soft fur, but it didn’t bring me joy. I saw a little kid getting a present from their parents. After that I thought it would be best to focus on the ground in front of me. I arrived home and the stale smell hit me.

“What a mess” I said.

I scanned my eyes over the place. The dirty dishes, clothes on the floor, paintings and journals scattered on the coffee table. It’s so dark in my home. But it’s comfortable for me. I looked at the computer that was still on. I forgot to turn off some devices. I got inside and locked the door. I sighed then proceeded to pick up a visual diary and a pen. I sat down on the unmade bed and started to draw. I decided to make sure my pen wouldn’t leave the page. I drew the guidelines and started to construct the person’s face. I drew the portrait to make it look like a man smiling. It made me feel unsatisfied to look at his grin. I then picked up a permanent marker. Bitterness took over. I scribbled extra lines, shaded and out his eyes. I felt better after turning the man into a monster on the piece of paper. It’s because that’s how I express my emotions. Especially the dark ones. I didn’t want to look at it anymore, I tossed it over to the side to make room for my laptop. 

“Soulmate signs”

“Signs that they are the one”

“Ways to be friends again-”

I stopped Googling these topics. It only made me feel much worse. I couldn’t help but feel like I would be giving myself a false sense of hope. I looked to the side where the portrait of Krystal was. I painted it years ago. It used to feel like her smile was a genuine one back then. Now it feels as though she’s mocking me for not moving on as fast as she did. I kept looking at the calendar, because I was keeping track of how many days it has been since we last spoke. It has been 66 days. The last time we spoke, I shook off that thought. A knock on the door brought me back to the present moment. I could tell who it was, because of the funny secret knock they always use. I got up and approached the door. Another knock was made.

“House keeping!” Jackson’s voice sang.

I tried to force myself not to give into his silliness. Another knock.

“I can come in anyway?” he teased in a woman’s voice “Okay! I can come in anyway”

I panicked. I looked at the state of my apartment. It was so messy, it wasn’t going to make Jackson happy to see. I scrambled around to clean up my room, but it didn’t seem to be efficient. It wouldn’t be clean by the time he uses his own key to open the door. As if on time, he unlocked the door and swung it open. I dropped my laundry in defeat. Jackson’s smile faded when he saw how bad it was inside this place. 

“Omg.” was all he said.

I hung my head low in shame. I can’t believe it, if only i never gave him the spare key. I looked back up at him and saw he was staring at me with concern. I could tell what he was going to say. 

“Amber” he spoke softly “Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

He was pointing and some of the old photos that were on the table. I looked down. I kept silent, I didn’t feel so good. I felt exposed.

“I don’t know how-” Jackson interrupted me.

“Believe me! You’re good looking, you can find someone else and be happy again. There are many fish in the sea!” 

He went on his usual speeches and I just listened. There was a brief moment of silence. I feel his eyes are on me.

“You have two options” he said in a serious voice “Move on from the break up or go get help from a professional”

He said the last part quietly. My head shot up to look at him. What did he just say? Before I could say anything, I heard a voice at the back of my head. 

“Even your friend thinks you’re crazy”

I winced and covered my ears. Jackson looked worried. He approached me and gently pulled me into a hug.

“You thought I was too busy to notice, right?” He mumbled.

I gasped out a sob. Tears were streaming down my face, I nodded into his shoulder. 

“Don’t worry Amber” his husky voice reassured me “I saw the signs before.”

What am I supposed to do?