Her eyes fluttered open at my slightest touch. She looked too beautiful for me to feel guilty. Despite her tiredness, she was, always the gorgeous one for me. 

She smiled softly, almost the instant she sees me. It makes me smile too. I just can't resist her, and the things she does.

I sweep her fringe to the side to look at her beautiful face clearer. Never would I pass the chance to look at her. My other hand automatically found hers that was rest by her side. It was cold. But I feel warm. She just has that effect over me.

I kissed her forehead, long and soft. Sweet, as sweet as my favorite gummy bears. Instinctively the hold I have on her hand tighten. Possessive as I am.

With a breath of new air, I greeted her with my loveliest tone, only one for her.

"Good evening, dearest " a delicate smile on my face, my eyes tracing over her soft feature my best. 

Her smile widens, to the point that her eyes closed. She loved it.

"Good evening to you too… " there it is, the sweetest melody my ears are most intimate with. Weak as she is, but never less a symphony for me. It was one way how I fell for her all those years ago. 

"I'm sorry I wake you up, I missed you all day at work " I apologized softly, feeling guilty only now.

She shooked her head in tiny movement. A small smile donning her small face.

"I was just resting my eyes for a bit. How was work? Hyoyeon said you guys have a show to attend to. " 

I smiled enthusiastically at her question. In my joy, I started to tell her everything. How our surprise comeback accepts overwhelming love from the public. She listened to me as happy as she could be. We spent minutes on the topic. 

"Enough about us. What about you, baby? I couldn't see you yesterday.. I hated it sometimes, the tight schedule. It takes my time away from you. Yongsun and the girls had to stay over without earlier warning, I felt bad. " 

"I was fine, honey. I understand how busy you are, I used to do what you do too. " I felt guiltier at the decreasing joy in her tone. It reminds her of. Things. 

She immediately cupped my cheek and caressed it gently. As if assuring me. It was a silent comforting. I accept it, mute. 

"Yong and the girls didn't mind. In fact, Byul was being a bully to Yong as usual, Wheeinie and Hyejinie were asking me to baby them a lot. I had fun and so did they. " 

I laughed a bit at that.

"Byul should stop bullying Yong so much, the girl may have the patience of a saint, but she's the scariest when mad. Almost like you. " I teased.

She chuckled. "You're not wrong. "

I rest my hand atop stomach. Feeling it instantly. The bump.

"How is our little sun doing today? " I speak, to the bump, Jessica just laughed at my antic. She put her hand over mine, and I intertwined our fingers. 

"Our little sun is doing fine. The doctor came by today for a brief, she's very much healthy " 

I grinned hearing that. The bump wasn't big, but not exactly small either. The size of a football, maybe bigger. 4 months old, going into 5. We just recently discovered gender. It's gonna be a girl. Jessica was so happy when we found out. Happier than me, I believe. Her happiness was just uncontained.

My pleasant mood turned a bit gloom as I look at her, straight in the eyes. Concerned.

"And what about you? "

Her smile faltered for a second. I know she tried. But she can't mask away from her pain and worries behind her smiles. From me.

"I'm okay, Tae… really. " 

I forced a small smile. Again, my grip tightens.

"She can't hold out for labor. Her heart won't let her. "

 "Please! Save both of them! I don't care just- take my heart if you have to! " I was desperate.. 

The doctor only looked at me in resigned. 

"I'm sorry, Taeyeon.. "

I looked at Jiwoong pleadingly. 

"Oppa, please... "

"It's either she abort the baby.. Or she dies.. "

I cried to worst that night. Away from Sooyeon, my wife. Away from seeing her and be reminded that she's fighting for her life.

​​​​​​And I have nothing to offer to lessen the pain.

Nothing at all.

I bit my bottom lip in frustration. 

Useless. 

She's in pain. She's in pain. She's in pain. 

I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Not a thing. 

I can't.

Her smiles, her laugh, her eyes, her everything. She's everything to me. 

I have the whole world admiring me, loving me, a whole mountain of money I can't finish all by myself, a whole dream life I'm living. 

But it meant nothing if she's not gonna be in it. 

" Sooyeon ah? " I called her, she turned to look at me, away from the window 

I look into her eyes, my favorite pair. Kind and loving, I'm used to seeing those in her. I never get bored of it.

"Can.. I.. We-... Let's not go with this- "

"Taeyeon ah… " 

I stopped. No.. Please don't.. Not that tone.. I beg you, don't do this to me..

I forced the tears back, keeping my eyes dry and red and I keep staring into her eyes. The same kindness and love I see. But also that conviction I hate.

"I'll be fine… "

I was still for the longest time. I wanted to believe your words. Day by day, I managed to blind myself from not believing it. I hold onto your words with hope and not with want. Because.. 

"I'll be fine… " - could have fooled me, Sooyeon.

You gave me the brightest sun in my life, yet.. You, the color of my world, left me instead. 

Here rest, Jessica Kim Sooyeon. 

1989 till 2022

A star at 18, a sister since 11, a family since forever.

In loving memories, the loving wife to Kim Taeyeon, and the loving mother to Erika Kim Sooyeon. 

Sooyeon.. Jessica was diagnosed with a rare heart disease a year into our debut as SNSD. The public never knows. Not a clue. 

​​​​​​She collapsed on the 30th of September 2014 because of shock and exhaustion. Grief. Pain.

It was one of the scariest days of my life. She was critical for two days, while the company sent us to China. Breaking us apart, all of us.

The company never knew we got married at some point in our career. Behind their back. Only the girls and our family know. We tied the knot in 2013. The best day of my life.

Her​​ disease got worse day by day starting from 2019. Around January 2021 she could barely leave the house for more than 3 hours. Eventually, it comes down to her announcing a hiatus. She almost never could leave the house around December.

Her pregnancy came off unexpectedly. We didn't think the meeting with the gynecologist would work. But it did.

​​​​​​During her pregnancy period, I spent the most time with her. I take every chance I have on getting a day off, letting go of tours and concerts every so often. I wanted to stay by her side. 

Around her fourth month, she collapsed yet again. It was one of the worst relapses she's had. It scared me so much. 

The doctor, my brother, Jiwoong told me her heart can't function well anymore and that her organs are shutting down one by one. It was because of the pregnancy that this happened quicker than it should.

Abortion was an option.. But I never could kill the life inside her. She would be devastated. So instead I hold onto her words. She knew. It was all talk. She knew she was gonna die. She didn't want to hurt me.

It's been 7 years. Sooyeon, our daughter is in school now. She's nothing like Jess. But her eyes. 

Whenever my baby, Sooyeon looks at me, it's as if Jessica is looking at me too. 

Although Sooyeon is my sun, she can't bring color to my life. 

Jessica is my blue. 

My color.