I was never really a good person. Countless of times I have callously disregarded other’s feelings as if it meant nothing at all. I have put a lot of women in pain whenever I had played with them, twirled them around my finger, and messed up with their emotions only to throw them away the very next day as if their existence or the fact that they were still human beings with emotions didn’t come to my twisted mind at all.

This was me. I was an insensitive, cold, and irresponsible person back then, and somehow I still am but it all went down to the drain when she came to my life. No words could even describe how much she had meant to me and the huge damage she had done to the walls that I had built around myself.

She had them practically crushed as fine as sand spread on the ground when she came barging in my life carrying that bright smile on her face that seeped very deep in my soul and illumined my darkened heart. She had hit me hard and somehow I knew that, but I didn’t want to admit it. I had denied that very fact despite making her the very first girl to own the title of being my girlfriend.

But, even with her being who she is happiness was far from her reach as it was me she unfortunately fell in love with, a huge certified , a big jerk. I had always known that her friends would always tell her that it seemed as if, by the way I was acting, she meant nothing to me at all. I know they’ve even tried to convince her to leave me numerous times before, to leave a complete like me. They never liked me in the first place but I couldn’t blame them I didn’t like myself either.

Whenever I was with her it would show as if I didn’t care about her at all. I knew how cold and insensitive I came off to her. Even when I was with her, I would go to bars and clubs as usual, flirt and hook up with other women as usual, be cold to her as usual, pretend as if I didn’t care about her feelings as usual, forget important dates with her as usual, and break promises that I made with her as usual.

I’d hurt her feelings only to come back to her and pretend as if I had done nothing at all. I lie to her, get mad at her, and I had almost done every possible thing a jerk could possibly do to his girlfriend but deep inside me there was this very distinct feeling that screamed out to me the very truth that I had learned to love her, I loved her, I had fallen in love with her... real bad. A feeling I had never really realized its importance until she was no longer within my grasp. She had slipped in between my parted fingers. I know clearly well that it was I who pushed her away, I who made her decide to once and for all, walk past that door and leave me.

I guess you could call me an idiot. All I had done was to bring her pain even with knowing that I had already loved her to an endless extent. I ed up and I know it. I clearly know how much I ed up with our relationship and how ed up my life now was after she had raised the white flag and left me.

 I shot another glass of tequila at my empty condo’s bar. My messed up room showed the exact definition of how messed up I was inside out. I had been living like this for 5 tormenting months.

My love for her was truly bittersweet.

Every single thing I had was scattered on the floor, on my dirty couch, on my messed up bed, and on my table filled with garbage. Funny how I used to be such a clean and organized man, I had everything I could ever physically and materially wish for but none of that was important to me. Nothing in my life was ever really important to me, not until she came and practically left me in a daze trying to figure out what had happened with my once carefree ways.

When she entered the picture of my worthless life I was taken aback, no one had ever meant to me as much as she did, or rather as much as she slowly, gradually, bit by bit, did. But I kept acting as if I was blind, blinded not by love but by pride.

She felt like a really addicting light alcohol. You’d keep drinking thinking that it can’t bring you down as much as a strong kind of alcohol can but without you knowing you’ve drank too much that by the moment you stand up, wanting to go and leave, you won’t be able to cause it’ll only cause you to fall back down and realize that it has indeed taken over your system, and it did so... undeniably hard.

Why did I do those things still despite being with her? I don’t know, I guess it was because I was confused, I was scared, I was in conflict with myself. She was inflicting too many emotions, too many changes, too many foreign feelings in me that I found myself feeling helpless and even more confused. I was scared with how her actions and even her mere words affected me. All this clashed with my ego and the result sure turned out as a huge disaster.

Until the very end when she left me, I had pretended as if I was unfazed by everything that has happened when deep inside I felt like dying. Seeing her turn her back on me with her suitcase in hand I had wanted to commit suicide right then and there. Thinking about it, I looked at the cuts I had on my wrist currently. I laughed inwardly at the sight of them, “This is what you get for being such an egoistic bastard.” No one would even have a clue that those feelings would ever occur to me but it did. Up until this very moment it still is. Piercing my heart, stinging in my veins, wrecking havoc in my brain.

I looked around my room; pictures of her were laid everywhere. The clothes she had left and had forgotten to take with her spread out messily on my bed. A video she took of us together replayed like a broken record on my TV. Alcohol bottles where trashed around on the floor.

As I looked back at the counter in front of me, my laptop flashed a series of her pictures as my screensaver. My hand phone kept repeating the last voice message she left me telling me that she loved me. I raked my hands through my hair as I emptied the nth bottle I had for the night in one go.

I got up from the high chair I was sitting on and started to walk, limping a bit every now and then. I guess I broke my leg when my car hit that post a few days after she had gone away from me; those annoying tears that I had refused to let fall down my face blocked my eyes from seeing properly. Too bad I hadn’t died yet; I got away with a damaged leg and a fractured left arm.

Even when I was in the hospital, while the doctor was explaining my injuries all I could ever think of was what we could have been if I hadn’t let myself be engulfed by my pride and had openly accepted the fact that I had wanted to change for her, that I needed to change to continue being with her.

I looked at the once full and warm condo that has now become as cold as ice and utterly empty. Everywhere my sight went, the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, the counter, the living room, all I could see were memories of the times when she was there. I was so desperate and I had missed her so much that every time I imagined her there, it was as if I was really seeing her, almost as if I was hallucinating about her being actually there when she wasn’t.

I would see her sleeping figure on my bed slowly waking up and opening her eyes, looking back at mine and greeting me with a good morning. When I was about to open my mouth and finally give her a proper response rather than the usual mindless nod of acknowledgement I did before, her image would disappear.

I would see the sight of her back as she cooked at the kitchen wearing an apron I bought for her, turning around to see me there and ask me if I wanted anything more for dinner. When I was about to reply that I had wanted nothing more but what she was cooking instead of telling her that I was full, once again she would disappear.

I would see her beautiful skin glistening as she comes out of that bathroom clad in only a towel, hair dripping wet, and smiling at the very sight of me asking me if I had just gotten from work. I’d muster up a smile and reach out to her only to snap out of it and touch nothing but air.

I would see the pretty sight of her leaning on the counter, reading a magazine, slowly stopping at the realization that I was looking at her as she smiles back at me and asks me to come closer. Slowly, ever so slowly I would move and walk towards her but when I could almost reach her, she’d be gone from my sight once more.

I would see her serene face as she sleeps on the couch while waiting for me when I come home late, rubbing her eyes once she notices me arrive and ask me if I was tired. Instead of just passing her by, I badly wanted to tell her that I was fine, run to her, and hug her. Smell her strawberry vanilla scent and bask in her warmth but when I would blink just once, I'll open my eyes only to find no one there.

A tear dropped from my eye as I quickly wiped it away. I had concluded that along with my heart, my mind, my soul, and my own life that she took away with her, she had taken my sanity as well.

I continued limping my way out of my condo in my loose crumpled white shirt and faded jeans not caring if it was freezing cold outside or the fact that I was just wearing those bear slippers she gave me as a gift on the very first day she had decided to live with me.

I don’t know where I wanted to go and it seemed as if my feet had a mind of its own as I had let myself be led to wherever it desperately wanted to go to. Without me realizing I stood before her apartment looking like a train wreck, I had a bandaged left arm and a casted left leg as well as those ugly cuts I had on my wrists out in the open. I looked disgusting and pitiful but none of that mattered to me anymore.

I had pressed the button even before realizing what I was doing. It had only sunk in me a few seconds after that, that it was now or never. I probably didn’t have a chance to win her back any longer or at least to even get her back in my life but I couldn’t help but cling on to her. My life had no sense of direction ever since she left. I couldn’t even remember how it was to live without her that I probably wouldn’t be able to do so even if I had wanted to, which proved me even more pitiful as I actually had no will to live on without her by my side.

As she came out and opened the door and as I saw her face again, everything she gave me, everything she made me feel, everything we had been through flashed before my very own eyes and that exact heavy torturous feeling I had felt when she left came back to me, showering me with nothing but pain.

I slowly found it hard to breathe as I opened my mouth to speak and yet no words came out, only a desperate whimper, a desolate cry for salvation. The next thing I knew tears were uncontrollably flowing from my eyes; my knees had gone weak that I had knelt before her and broke down.

“Jiyong...” She tried to reach out her hand to me, shocked with what she just witnessed and with how I looked. I had never cried nor showed any kind of emotion with anything but I didn’t care anymore. One more day realizing that she was gone from my life would literally kill me. Hearing her voice made me wail out even more.

When she touched me I lifted my hands up and searched for hers as I held it tight. I knew I wouldn’t be able to let go. I knew no amount of words could ever tell her how greatly I had felt for her. Words were not enough to describe this deep inescapable pit that I fell through, not enough to describe how much I truly loved her.

“I...I...I’m sorry... I know I should set you free. It was the least I could give you after everything I put you through but I... I can’t. I-I’m going crazy... I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t even do anything at all... God please Rin, please come back. If...I-if you don’t love me anymore it’s okay. I’m fine... I can live with it just stay, stay with me. Just let me love you, let me love you like how I always wanted to. Let me do things right... let me... let me hold you again. Doesn’t matter if you love someone else I can take it, just don’t go away from me. L-look I... it’s selfish, I’m selfish I know but I’m sorry I just can’t... I can’t let go Rin. It’s so damn hard for me to let you go.” I held onto her tight. I held onto my whole life tight as I pulled her towards me and hugged her tighter, scared that if I let loose she’ll fly away from me forever.

She was stuck, frozen for awhile as if she didn’t see it coming but my heart broke when she slowly pulled away. “Oppa... Jiyong... we can’t... it’s over... I told you that already. I already gave up why do this now? Why bring this up now?” I could hear her break into tears as well which didn’t help in easing the pain I had in my heart.

“Because I’m stupid, because I’m an idiot... because I realized too late that I can never love again the same way I loved you. It hurts so bad but I can’t do anything because I screwed up and I know...I know you won’t take me back but if I could just find a way to be with you, I’d do anything to turn things around. I know it’s too late. I never even deserved you in the first place but what can I do? I can’t live without you after all.” I still held her hands tight and hung my head low trying to not let her see how much pain it had inflicted on me and how much pain I had been inflicting on myself.

No matter how hard she tried to break free I could only reply a tear after another as I couldn’t let go of her hands. I couldn’t let go of what we had, though it was never good in the first place but it was everything that ever mattered in my life. Her next words burned me like fire as more tears spilled out.

“Do you know how it’d make me look like if I accept you again even after all you did to me? Do you know how much pain I had to go through while I wait at home and you fool around? Do you know how much it hurts knowing that no matter what I did I couldn’t make you happy? Why? Why do you always make this hard for me?” She cried harder this time as every word she spat hit my heart, every plunge harder and deeper than the previous one. It made me hate myself even more, how could I have led her to think this way, that she was not enough for me and that she couldn’t make me happy. Lies, it’s all lies, it’s not true.

“Rin I’m not asking for much I just...”

“You are asking for too much! I know I had always let things go and had always kept things in but I just can’t stay that way any longer. I’m sorry Jiyong but I... maybe, the best thing we could do is just to move on... this relationship has taken too much from us, too much that I just can’t... I’m sorry I...” Every rejection she gave made me feel so weak, I felt so hopeless. I didn’t let her continue as I had resorted to the last thing, the last desperate thing I could do to keep her in my life.

“I ed up Rin, I know. I’m a jerk, I know. I’m an unfaithful bastard, I know. I shouldn’t show my face to you if I had the least bit of shame in me, I know. But I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do this anymore. Just... just do whatever you want with me, play with me, toss me around, trash me all you want, y-you can even use me but just don’t leave me. I’ll try in’ hard to change. I will change. I... I-I’ll do everything and anything you tell me to do. If you want me to jump off a damn cliff just tell me and I’ll follow... I’ll follow you... Come back... just come back to me, you can do whatever you want, hurt me all you want just... just don’t go please... I beg of you... please...don’t leave me.” I said in between laboured breaths, tears just wouldn’t stop flowing as I tried hard to exhale.

She could only stare at my pitiful form taking in whatever I had said. These words were enough, enough to release all the pent up emotions I’ve had with me ever since she walked out of my life. I was desperate I know that but I couldn't care less.

“I hate you! I hate you so much! I hate everything about you! I hate the mere thought of your face! I hate being with you! I hate the very fact that, that hate is love. I hate the very fact that I love you and hate you at the very same time. I hate...” She desperately released as we both just lost it.

I’m sorry Rin, I’m sorry it was I you fell in love with. I’m sorry it had to be me, I’m sorry that though I know I’d hurt you I still accepted your feelings. I’m sorry it turned out this way. I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do but hold on to you. I’m sorry I can’t let go. These same words kept repeating in my head, I felt badly broken

I tried to stand up despite the position I was in and despite the fact that I hardly could but she helped me with it. “I bought a house near the beach exactly like how you wanted it to be, exactly where you wanted it to be. I had a hard time buying the land since the owner didn’t want to sell it but I’ve been working hard for it for a year and finally, he accepted 6 months ago. I’m not giving up on us; I’ll try till the very end. Come back to me, come back to me please.” I pleaded limping a few steps back and reaching out my arms for her to take, all the while praying hard that by some miracle she would.

“What happened to you? What are these?” She weakly asked as she traced her fingers on the scars I had on my wrists and saw the injuries I had casted, noticing it as we stood before each other. This was all I am standing before her; it was all of me, and nothing more. A desperate pathetic man but if she’d take me then that was all I would ever like to be.

“Love makes you do stupid things. It’s one of those things I foolishly did because of the pain love caused me but none of it was your fault, the blame is all mine to take. Maybe I am addicted, maybe I have gone crazy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still in with love you and probably still would be whether you take me or not.” I looked at her in the eyes searching for any faint kind of hope, pleading for forgiveness though it would take awhile for me to even be able to forgive myself.

After a long deafening silence, with my arms still reaching out to hers only one thought crossed my mind, a thought I had spoken a bit too loudly, “Please let me go home. Home is where the heart is and my heart is obviously not with me. It can’t go back to me any longer for it is not mine to keep. Rin... ... Can I go home?” I asked as helpless tears replaced those of despair I had awhile ago. She didn’t look at me and had only looked at my hands, my trembling and terribly shaking hands.

I didn’t even notice it was freezing cold, not until she was no longer in my arms. She looked up to me, pain evident in her eyes; it was so strong I had to look down in shame that it was I who caused it. Everything was black; my vision had gone hazy and had only cleared when she started to speak.

“Love really does make you do stupid things doesn’t it? As stupid and foolish as what I'm doing." She spoke as she gently held my hand. "It’s about time... about time you came back home Jiyong...oppa. Don’t you dare leave home again or it won’t be there the next time you understand me?” She meekly told me as she hiccupped and sadly looked at me, her eyes piercing right through my soul.

I reached out to her and walked forward not minding the pain I had on my left leg. Just when I was about to fall she caught me, she caught me in her embrace. One short reply was all I could manage to say as I had closed my eyes in exhaustion.

“Never. Never ever again.”

Months... months and months of pain are finally over. I’m home.

I guess her love for me was bittersweet as well.

Bittersweet, you’re gonna be the death of me

I don’t want you but I need you

I love you and hate you at the very same time.

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Note: I don't like tragic and sad endings. Especially for skydragon it's a no no for me haha:)