Rebirth

 

“You said it in your note to me…”

 

“My life is better because you’re in it.” Joohyun repeats.

 

“It’s the same for me too.” Seulgi says, now playing with the loose thread of her blanket. “I’ve always had a hard time getting really close to people. I can be friendly on the surface, but it doesn’t get deeper… Plus, I can get awkward and get too nervous about what I’m going to say or if I’m making a fool of myself. But you… because of you… I learned to just be me. I’m still awkward and clumsy and that’s okay, you made me realize it’s okay. It’s easy for me to show every side of myself because I know at the end of the day, someone will accept me and love me no matter what.”

 

“After ten years with you… it’s not that I’m a different person. It’s just that I’m more myself, you know? With a few improvements.” Seulgi chuckles.

 

Joohyun holds Seulgi’s hands to get the bear to look at her, “You say that I do all those things for you, when you’ve always done the same for me. I know I can be cold… or that I look like I don’t care… but because of you, I’ve learned to open up. I’ve learned to let people in my life. You are a really important person in my life, Kang Seulgi. I will always be grateful for you. Yah… are you crying?”

 

“Just a little bit.” Seulgi laughs. “I’m just very grateful.”

 

Lady’s Room

 

Seulgi can feel her palms start to sweat as the next song starts playing.

 

“Seven. One step closer,” Seulgi thinks, before turning to Joohyun, “I- I have something to tell you.”

 

Red Velvet wasn’t the type of group to go out to clubs and party. Sure, they’d drink, but usually in smaller private spaces or in the comfort of their dorm. Joohyun and Seungwan were introverts and didn’t really enjoy being out in a huge crowd beyond their group, Yerim and Sooyoung had many friends but had always said that the club scene didn’t suit them and Seulgi was happy spending time wherever the others are. But tonight, Sooyoung-unnie was celebrating her birthday and everyone from everywhere was invited. Taeyon-unnie was there, even Tiffany-unnie flew back from the US to celebrate. There were some actors and actresses that Seulgi hasn’t even met yet, and of course different people from all over SM.

 

It’s still early in the night but Yerim and the younger Sooyoung are nowhere to be seen. However, based on the shouting, Seulgi is almost a hundred percent sure that they’re in the crowd enjoying the dance floor. They’re most probably with Taeyeon-unnie anyway so Seulgi counts them as safe.

 

Seungwan on the other hand, is getting louder. She walks, well, stumbles, up to Seulgi and Joohyun and points at the bottle of soju in her hand. “Unnie, look! It’s you!”

 

Joohyun laughs and takes the bottle from Seungwan, “Yes, it’s me.”

 

They sit Seungwan down and Seulgi casually takes a sip of her own drink, already mindful that she’s one drink away from being tipsy and a maybe a couple more before she gets wasted. Seungwan is dancing beside their table, pulling Seulgi up to dance with her. Before she knows it, the duo is doing crazy dances, each trying to one-up the other all while Joohyun laughs and takes videos.

 

The moment Joohyun stops laughing, Seulgi notices immediately. After all, Joohyun’s laugh is so loud and so special that its loss can be felt instantly. Seulgi sees a smile one Joohyun’s face, and Seulgi realizes that Joohyun is smiling at another girl across the room.

 

“That’s weird,” Seulgi thinks. “Joohyun-unnie doesn’t usually smile at strangers.”

 

At some point in the night, the group comes together for a round of shots, before the maknaes disappear into the larger crowd and the unnies enjoy drinking and dancing on the side. Familiar faces stop to talk, everyone having an amazing time.

 

The girl from earlier approaches and talks to Joohyun, not bothering to introduce herself to Seulgi and Seungwan and they disappear for a moment.

 

Seulgi decides not to think about it too much and pulls Heechul in for a drink with her and Seungwan. When Joohyun returns, the girl is no longer with her and Seulgi notes that Joohyun’s mood has definitely shifted for the worse. But Seulgi wraps her arm around Joohyun’s shoulder and the older girl smiles and Seulgi knows her unnie will be okay.

 

Around midnight, champagne is passed around for a toast to Sooyoung. “I LOVE YOU, MY FELLOW SOOYOUNG!” is heard in the crowd and the crowd laughs at their original maknae. 

 

“CHEERS!” The room shouts.

 

On instinct, Seulgi immediately puts her hands over Joohyun’s ears as the party poppers explode and confetti flies all over. “Thank you,” Joohyun smiles, placing her hands over Seulgi’s.

 

Seulgi notices the girl in the crowd again, this time looking at her and Joohyun. Joohyun excuses herself again after the confetti and cheering dies down while Seungwan is now slumped in the chair, trying her best to sober up.

 

“Wannie.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do you see that girl over there? The one by the bar?” Seulgi waits for her to nod, “Who is she?”

 

“I dunno… I don’t think I’ve seen her around. Why?”

 

“It’s just… she was smiling at unnie a while ago. Then they talked and unnie disappeared with her… then she kept looking at us during the toast.”

 

“Weird. Wait, where’d she go?”

 

“Come on, let’s look for her.” Seulgi pulls Seungwan up to search for the mysterious girl.

 

They check the lady’s room first. Seulgi lets Seungwan wet her face and a part of Seulgi even considered waiting for all the girls in the stall to exit to make sure the girl isn’t in there. But as Seungwan said, “Let’s not be too creepy. She might be unnie’s friend and we’ll scare her away.” Sighing, they head towards the bar, through the crowd, and even take a lap around the party venue.

 

“Seul? I know it’s important we find this girl but can we go outside for a bit? That champagne really tipped me over and I think the air will help me sober up plus it might help you think too!”  

 

Seulgi agrees, guiding Seungwan by the arm until they reach the balcony. As soon as they open the glass door, Seulgi is knocked back by the mysterious woman storming out. Seungwan turns around, ready to fight for her best friend but Seulgi simply pulls her back and points outside. On the dark couch sits Joohyun, quietly staring out into the night sky.

 

“Unnie?” Seulgi asks, sitting beside the older girl, and making sure Seungwan is seated properly as well.

 

“Seulgi? Seungwan? What are you two doing out here?”

 

“Looking for y-”

 

“Looking for that weird lady that keeps looking at you! Like who is she! And she hit Seulgi on her way out!” Seungwan starts to rant.

 

“Seungwan. Lower your voice.”

 

“Oh, sorry, unnie.”

 

They’re quiet for a while, the cold air exactly what Seungwan needs to sober up and exactly what Seulgi needs to clear her head. “Unnie, who was she?”

 

Joohyun says nothing for a while, just looking up at the sky, like she always does. “I hope you won’t look at me differently after.”

 

“You’ll always be our unnie.” Seungwan says.

 

Seulgi adds, “You’ll always be our Joohyun.”

 

“She was a trainee the same time as us, Seulgi.” Joohyun starts and then tells them everything.

 

The girl was older than Joohyun by two years and was already working part time when she trained in SM. Because of her schedule, she only ever trained with Joohyun late at night or really early in the morning. She only lasted a couple of months before she was offered a full-time position and decided to give up on her dream to be a solo artist. Now, she works for a TV production company, where she met Sooyoung-unnie. Joohyun couldn’t believe that the girl remembered her after all this time and was even more surprised when she went up to talk to her.

 

“Where did you go when she talked to you? You looked so upset after.”

 

 Joohyun takes a deep breath, “I- we- we went out here. She said she wanted to talk… the last time we spoke… it didn’t end well.”

 

Seulgi and Seungwan huddles closer together for warmth, and partly because Joohyun’s voice is dropping down to a whisper.

 

“The day she told me she was going to quit… She admitted to me that she had a crush on me.” Joohyun admits, as she fiddles with her hands. “She asked me if I felt the same… and I said no. Because I didn’t. We fought and that was the last time I saw her.”

 

Joohyun looks up again, not at the stars, but rather, to stop the tears that are threatening to fall. “Tonight, she talked to me again… told me how she’s been. How she watches my performances. Then… she kissed me.” Another deep breath. “And I kissed her back.”

 

Seulgi blames the sudden weird feeling in her stomach on the alcohol.

 

“And then?” Seungwan asks.

 

“Did you hear what I told you? I kissed her back. It’s just… I hadn’t… in a while…” Joohyun looks at Seulgi but her voice is shaking, “I- I like girls, only girls.”

 

“Oh.” Seulgi says. “But why were you mad afterwards?”

 

Joohyun wonders if Seulgi is drunk and is registering what she’s confessing. But the leader figures she’ll deal with it afterwards, “When I realized what was happening… I pushed her away. I didn’t want to kiss her. It’s just been a while and the alcohol… and the past. So, I stopped it, and she got angry and I then I got angry too.”

 

“Then what happened just now?”

 

“She followed me out here again, she apologized for kissing me first because it’s been years since we last saw each other and she asked for my number, she wanted to contact me so we could go on a date on something. I said no.”

 

Seulgi’s stomach does a weird flip and she swears the mix of the soju, vodka, tequila and champagne must have not been a great idea after all.

 

“Oh. Then she got mad?”

 

Joohyun nods, “Said I led her on.”

 

“Well, you didn’t have to give her your number if you didn’t want to!” Seulgi huffs, crossing her arms.

 

“Yeah! If you don’t wanna date her, she can’t force you!” Seungwan stands up in agreement.

 

“Seungwan, sit down. Lower your voice please.” Joohyun pleads, “Are you guys mad at me? Or… it’s okay if you need to process everything.”

 

“Why would we be mad at you? Unnie, thank you for telling us. It’s your secret to tell and we love you just the same.” Seulgi says, pulling Joohyun into a hug.

 

“Same thing Kang said! Love who you love, Joohyunnie! Besides, it’s great to know I’m not the only one.”

 

“Wait. Huh?” Joohyun says, as she lets go of Seulgi.

 

“What do you mean ‘I’m not the only one’?” Seulgi asks.

 

“What do you mean? I’ve already told you multiple times I’d be willing to date Chungha should the opportunity arise, and I keep asking you to introduce us.” Seungwan shrugs.

 

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING!” Seulgi laughs. “Okay, I’ll introduce the two of you.”

 

“Nice. Now, group hug!” Seungwan pulls Seulgi and Joohyun in amid the older girl’s protests. Somehow, Sooyoung and Yerim find themselves in the balcony at the same exact time.

 

“Group hug!” Sooyoung cries, bounding over to the group.

 

 

“I need to be honest with you too. Like you were with us, that night.”

 

Joohyun tilts her head to the side and Seulgi is trying her best to not get lost into her big brown eyes.

 

“I-I like girls too. Actually, I think I’m gay. Well, a lesbian. Anyway, the point is… I didn’t know it at that time. I didn’t know it until recently actually. Because I never really thought about it. I never thought about guys in any romantic way nor was I ever really attracted to them. But I thought it was just because we were so busy that they never crossed my mind. Then… when I realized I liked someone- I mean – girls in general, it all made sense to me. It all clicked. All the women I thought I was admiring, but actually had a huge crush on. All the friendships that kind of broke my heart when they ended up with a guy…”

 

“We all discover things in our own time.” Joohyun says, squeezing Seulgi’s hand under the blanket. “I guess the fans were right. Lee Sooman really did accidentally create KPOP’s gayest girl group.”

 

“You mean, you, me and Seungwan?”

 

“Ah, my little bear. Do you not hear Yerim always talking about her dates?”

 

“I thought she was always just hanging out with Chaeyoung!” 

 

Joohyun raises her eyebrows at Seulgi, “A candlelit dinner with your friend for four weekends straight? Not to mention, Nayeon is never with them when we all know she’s like a sister to Yerimie too.”

 

“Okay, okay. Fine. You got me. But Sooyoung also?? Wasn’t she texting that guy-”

 

Joohyun laughs, “And that girl too. She says they’re nice enough, but Sooyoung keeps saying they’re not who she wants to be with.”

 

“Huh? Then who does Sooyoung like?”

 

“Yah, Kang Seulgi, keep your eyes open. You’ll see.”

 

Candy

 

The moment Sooyoung’s voice is heard singing, ‘Stuck on you, by your side, yeah’, Seulgi’s heart starts pounding in her chest. Eight.

 

Seulgi takes another deep breath and is about to say something when Joohyun beats her to it.

 

“You know, this song always reminds me of you.”

 

“Me? Why?”

 

Joohyun turns her body away from Seulgi, watching the vinyl play on the record player. “There are times when I can’t sleep… I think about what life would be without you. And it scares me sometimes… at how different it would be. And sometimes, the reason why I’m awake is because I’m afraid that you’ll leave because of something I’ve done.”

 

“Hyunnie…”

 

“I don’t really care about what strangers think of me because they don’t know me, but I care about what you all think. I care about what you think.” Joohyun looks at Seulgi, her eyes starting to water, “I get so scared that one day, you’ll finally realize what a horrible person I am.”

 

“Hyunnie… you’re one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know. Why would I ever think you’re a horrible person?”

---

Seulgi is waiting outside the performance hall, wringing her hands in worry. She hates the feeling she gets in her gut every time evaluations are over. A part of her wants to throw up, or faint, but she knows that doing so within the building will not give her any leeway and will most probably cause the trainers to scrutinize her further.

 

Seulgi is clear for the day, and despite the praises in her performance, Seulgi knows that it’s not a guarantee that she’ll be hearing those words again. The bearlike girl is deep in worry when the door suddenly slams open, shaking her out of her thoughts.

 

Out comes Joohyun, a look of annoyance on her face. “Joohyun unnie!” Seulgi calls, but Joohyun doesn’t seem to hear her and keeps walking down the hallway.

 

“Unnie!” Seulgi tries again.

 

Seulgi jogs lightly, trying to catch up to the older girl. Before she can even get a hold of Joohyun’s arm, the girl in question turns around.

 

“LEAVE ME ALONE, SEULGI!! GO AWAY!!”

 

Seulgi stops dead in her tracks, a look of shock etched on her face. Sure, Joohyun was scary sometimes but she’s never lost her temper at Seulgi, much less shout at her. Joohyun looks just as shocked as Seulgi feels, but before Seulgi can say anything, Joohyun runs out the building.

 

Seulgi doesn’t see Joohyun that night nor the day after. She hasn’t been in the dorms or been showing up to the group dance practice. It’s almost a week since she last saw Joohyun, and just when shei thinks that Joohyun is about to go back on their promise and quit, she hears a timid knock on the door. 

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Seulgi doesn’t know where the confidence comes from when she asks, “Will you shout at me again?”

 

Joohtun shakes her head, and Seulgi lets her in. The older girl takes a seat on Seulgi’s bed, waiting for her friend to join her. But Seulgi chooses to sit on the bed across instead. “Seulgi-ya… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you and be mean… Are you mad at me?”

 

“I’m not mad… But I’m hurt, Joohyun unnie. You said we’re in this together… and I saw you were upset and you just shouted at me and pushed me away. I thought I was your friend.”

 

“You are! I- I was frustrated and I shouldn’t have let it out on you. I’m really sorry, Seulgi-ya. You don’t deserve it. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me for a while…”

 

“Yah, unnie. Don’t be so dramatic. I forgive you. I’ve missed you, you know.”

 

“I missed you too.” Joohyun says as she puts her head on Seulgi’s shoulder.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened?”

 

“Is it okay if I don’t?”

 

Seulgi nods and squeezes Joohyun’s hand. “But if you want to talk about it I’m here, okay?”

 

“Thanks, Seul. Oh! I have an idea!” Joohyun lifts her head to look at Seulgi. “Let’s make a pact.”

 

“A pact?”

 

“Yeah! Well, mostly for me since you’re so nice. But let’s make a pact to never shout at each other ever again, okay? We can cheer for each other and shout then, but if we’re angry or tired or frustrated, we have to promise not to, okay?”

 

Seulgi just nods in agreement. “O-okay.”

 

“Promise me! They’re always shouting at us when we make mistakes or when we do poorly or gain weight or even get a pimple! We shouldn’t do it to each other. Okay? I promise that I won’t shout at you ever again, Seulgi-ya. I promise to talk to you when I have problems and to be honest.”

 

Seulgi takes Joohyun’s outstretched pinky, “I promise too, unnie.”

 

Suddenly, Seulgi laughs. “Yah, what’s funny?”

 

“I just thought you’d make a great leader.”

 

Joohyun smiles brightly, “Only if you’re by my side.”

 

“Of course! Kang Seulgi, your right hand, reporting for duty!”

---

“Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’ll break our promise. I’m afraid that the Joohyun that snaps when she’s frustrated will just appear and all of you will look at me differently. Like she might still be there inside of me.”

 

“It’s been years, unnie, and all those times, no matter how annoying Sooyoung and Yerim are when they fight or when they join forces and gang up on me or no matter how much Seungwan talks, or how much I eat and crack my knucles, you’ve never raised your voice at us. It’s okay to be frustrated… and we’re all here to help take the burden off.”

 

“I know… but sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose you.”

 

Seulgi thinks for a moment, and figures now is as good a time as any, “I’m afraid to lose you too.”

 

“There’s nothing you can do that’ll make me want to leave you, Seul.”

 

“You say that now…”

 

“And I’ll say it then.”

 

“It’s easy for you to say.”

 

“It’s easy for me to do too. You have no idea how easy it is to be around you, Seulgi-ya. How easy it is to choose you, to support you and stay by your side.”

 

“You won’t leave?”

 

“Of course not, dummy. Why would I?” Joohyun laughs before she sees the expression on Seulgi’s face. “Seulgi-ya… What’s wrong?”

 

Seulgi blinks, she can hear the song about to end and her head is screaming, THERE’S NO TURNING BACK NOW.

 

“Just listen.”

 

Little Little

 

The ninth song is starting to play and Seulgi doesn’t know what to do with herself. She knows that the other songs were just declarations of friendship, confirmations of how much she appreciates Joohyun, but this song was different. It was the most direct confession Seulgi could think of without saying the words outright.

 

“You’re gonna end up stuttering and rambling like a fool, so maybe just a pick a song that just conveys how you feel.” Seungwan had told Seulgi when the latter told her best friend her plans.

 

Seulgi is watching Joohyun from the corner of her eyes, waiting for a reaction. The older girl sings along at first, but Seulgi catches the exact moment that Joohyun freezes in understanding.

 

This feeling is probably

Love love love

 

“Seulgi-ya…”

 

Seulgi doesn’t move, she’s not even sure she’s breathing because she can feel the woman she loves staring at her. Seulgi feels stupid, why did she listen to Seungwan anyway? The lyrics are so straightforward, too straightforward for Joohyun to think about it any other way.

 

“What if she doesn’t feel the same way? Maybe this was a dumb idea, maybe I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined it for all of us-“

 

“Seulgi-ya… I can see you thinking.” Joohyun laughs lightly. “Look at me please.”

 

Reluctantly, Seulgi turns to face Joohyun, expecting disgust and hatred at most or confusion and pity at the very least. But Seulgi is utterly surprised at the soft look Joohyun gives her.

 

The older girl looks into Seulgi’s eyes, and Seulgi can’t help but gravitate closer towards her. What does she say? What can she say? Should she apologize? Seulgi’s thoughts are racing and her heart is pounding in her ears.

 

Joohyun brushes Seulgi’s cheeks and Seulgi leans into the older woman’s touch, a touch that has always brought her comfort and calmed whatever worries she had at any given time.

 

“I’m so-“ Seulgi starts to apologize but is cut off by soft lips, and small delicate fingers threading through her hair. It takes Seulgi approximately three seconds before she realizes that she should be kissing back. For all the times that Seulgi has stared at Joohyun’s lips, never in her entire life did she think she would ever get to know what it feels like against hers.

 

The kissing suddenly stops way too quickly and Seulgi she shakes her head, her mind trying to wrap around what had just happened. “Hyunnie? Is this okay?”

 

“Finally.” Joohyun smiles brightly and Seulgi’s heart jumps before she’s being pulled in close and Joohyun is kissing her once again.

 

The second time around, Seulgi’s brain is fully registering the sensation that is Joohyun’s lips. Her lips are incredibly soft, but the kiss itself is firm, reassuring. It’s as if Joohyun is telling Seulgi kiss after kiss that this is real, that Joohyun wants this too, and that she knows what she’s doing.

 

“Wait, wait.” Seulgi pulls away again and kisses Joohyun on the cheek instead. “The last song is about to play. I need you to listen to it too.”

 

“Do I have to?” Joohyun pouts but Seulgi gives her a peck on the lips with a reassuring, “It’ll be quick, I promise.”

 

So Joohyun stops but continues to cuddle close to Seulgi.

 

As soon as the piano instrumental begins playing, Joohyun starts hitting Seulgi’s arm. “You dummy, Kang Seulgi.”

 

“What did I do now??”

 

“I can’t believe you stopped kissing me because of this. Of course, dummy. Of course, I would.”

 

“Really? You will? Like, you’ll be my girlfriend?”

 

“Even if this is a very cheesy way to do it, yes I will. I love you, Seulgi-ya. I’ve loved you for so long. You have no idea.”

 

Seulgi eyes turn into crescents and places a quick kiss on Joohyun’s forehead. “I love you too, my Baechunnie. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

 

“We just have to make up for lost time then, no?” Joohyun says, as she pulls the collar of Seulgi’s shirt. “Now come on and kiss me again.”