Jongin sat on his couch, holding Luhan’s mug in his hands, staring blankly at it. He had stopped crying a long time ago but the tears he shed earlier had left dried tracks on his cheeks. His eyes were unfocused and his head was pounding and Jongin’s heart had somehow formed another crack in the already shattered pieces. 

    He took a deep breath and closed his eye, letting his head hang back. He wanted to believe that Luhan was still somewhere in his apartment when he had woken up but he knew that the other man had run away. 

    Jongin was too tired to try and figure out what moment had caused Luhan to flee. He knew he overwhelmed him but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Everything Jongin had done was too much. 

    “,” Jongin said loudly, placing Luhan’s mug down on his coffee table a little too hard. He buried his face in his hands, pressing his fingertips onto his forehead, wanting all of this to just go away. He wanted this pain to go away. 

    For a brief second, Jongin wondered what if he hadn’t walked down that alley that night? What if he hadn’t found Luhan? His life would be normal. His heart would still be whole. 

    No. He couldn’t think like that. Not when Luhan had suffered. If he hadn’t been found, he could be dead right. 

    Besides, Jongin’s heart hadn’t been whole since Luhan left. 

He stood up suddenly, marching to his bedroom to grab his phone. 

    Jongin hadn’t wanted to call Joonmyun. He thought he could handle this by himself. He knew Luhan the most out of everyone. Or at least he used to. 

    He had begun to cry but ignored it. He found his phone laying on his night stand and blindly scrolled through his contacts, searching for Joonmyun’s name. 

    He hadn’t wanted to get help. It was his fault that Luhan was like this in the first place. It wasn’t anyone’s responsibility to fix him. It was only Jongin’s. 

    Jongin pressed the phone to his ear, taking deep breaths to the rhythm of the dial tone. 

    He hadn’t wanted to get Joonmyun involved in this. Not after he saw how broken Jongin had been the first time Luhan had left him. But Jongin couldn’t think of anyone else he wanted to comfort him at this moment than Joonmyun. 

    “Hello?” Joonmyun said when the call picked up.

    Jongin sniffled a little bit waiting a little bit to make sure his voice wouldn’t crack before he spoke. “Hyung?” he said, his voice weak.

    “Jongin? Is everything okay?” 

    Jongin shook his head even though he knew Joonmyun couldn’t see him. He let himself fall onto his bed, the mattress suddenly feeling too big just for one person. “Can you come over please? I need you,” Jongin managed to get out before his chest heaved and sobs escaped his throat. 

    He wasn’t sure if Joonmyun said anything before he hung up the phone but Jongin assumed he was coming. He curled into a ball, hugging his knees, letting himself purge all the pent up sadness and anger he had been holding in while Luhan was here. He didn’t need to put on a brave face for anyone anymore. 

    Joonmyun arrived shortly and Jongin answered the door, weeping. 

    “Hyung...” he said, throwing himself into Joonmyun’s arms. Even though the other man was smaller than him, his hugs had the power to make Jongin feel like he was being wrapped whole and hidden from the world. 

    “What happened?” Joonmyun asked softly, slowing leading both of them inside the apartment. When the door closed behind him, Joonmyun pulled Jongin a little closer, rubbing his back slowly. Jongin cried into his shoulder and he felt like that young teenager he’d been when they first debuted. Joonmyun had been his comfort then, even though he was just a child himself. 

    Jongin shook his head, digging his nails into Joonmyun’s back. He felt like he was falling to pieces and he if didn’t hold on to something he’d wither away.  

    “Okay, how about I make you a tea and we can talk then?” Joonmyun suggested. He leaned back and lifted Jongin’s face so he could see his eyes. “Is that okay?”

    Jongin shrugged his shoulders but Joonmyun took that as a yes. He took Jongin’s limp hand and guided him to the kitchen. He expertly walked the kitchen, getting everything together while Jongin took a seat at the island. Jongin let himself fall onto the surface, resting his cheek on the cool marble. 

    He shut his eyes and let the sounds of Joonmyun making tea lull him into a slight rest. He was surprised at how quickly his body and brain allowed itself to turn off, even if just for a moment. Jongin hadn’t realized how exhausted he had been, but it only made sense since he hadn’t been able to fully relax. Luhan had been a ticking time bomb and he’d needed to be careful in every moment.

    It was only when Joonmyun placed the cup of tea in front of him did Jongin realize he had actually fallen asleep. His body jumped a little and he drowsily looked around, spotting Joonmyun sitting across from him with a warm smile, holding his own mug. 

    “Did you want to go to bed?” Joonmyun asked. 

    Jongin sighed, rolling his shoulders and neck as he straightened his back. “No,” he said. 

    Joonmyun nodded and sipped at his drink. “Well, do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?” he asked softly.

    “No,” Jongin repeated, reaching out for the tea. The heat felt nice in his hands. “But I’m going to tell you anyway.”

    “Alright,” Joonmyun chuckled. “I’m here to listen.”

    Jongin’s eyes focused on the steam rising from the tea, slowly swirling before evaporating into the air. “I found Luhan.”

    He saw Joonmyun’s eyes go wide for a split second but much to his credit, he was able to put on a straight face quickly. Joonmyun cleared his throat, setting down his mug and folding his fingers together in front of him. “What do you mean you found Luhan?” he asked after a small pause. 

    “I found Luhan,” Jongin said again. “I found him, alone and hungry in an alley.” Jongin felt his throat closing up but he told Joonmyun everything that had been happening the past couple of days, from seeing Luhan drugged up to comforting him through his withdrawal symptoms to just last night. Joonmyun remained quiet the entire time, listening carefully and nodding along as Jongin rambled on. He could see the shock in Joonmyun’s eyes and he almost thought he should spare him some of the details but he told him every last bit of it. He knew Joonmyun would want to know all of it, anyway.

    “He was doing okay. I thought he was past it all but I pushed him away. I asked for too much too fast,” Jongin said. His body was shaking and guilt was swirling inside of him. “It’s my fault he’s gone again,” he said with a sob, his hands burying themselves in his hair. 

    “Hey, don’t do that,” Joonymun told him, reaching over to move Jongin’s hands away from his head. He held onto one of them, gripping it tightly. “You were just doing your best the way you knew how. Don’t blame yourself for trying.”

    “I thought I knew him. I used to. I tried to do what would’ve worked in the past but he’s changed,” Jongin said. “I just want him back.”

    “Addiction is an awful thing and it seems that Luhan’s been struggling with it for years. The best people get torn down by their want for drugs.” 

    Jongin played with Joonmyun’s hand before saying, “I told him I loved him.”

    Joonmyun sent him a sad smile. “I know you do. And I’ms ure he knows that, too. nmyun gave him a sad smile. “I wish love could be enough to fix everything, but Luhan is battling something awful. I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt you. But addiction doesn’t care about things like love sometimes.”

    He knew everything Joonmyun was saying was right but the pain was eating away at him from the inside. Jongin just wanted Luhan back, safe in his bed. 

    “Should I go looking for him?” 

    “Luhan has probably made it impossible for you to find him,” Joonmyun told him.

    “So I’m just supposed to sit here and let him go back to that awful life?” Jongin asked in disbelief. 

    “I truly believe that Luhan is going to come back,” Joonmyun said. “You just have to be patient.”

    “How can you be so sure?” 

    “Because he saw what a life out of the streets looked like. You showed him care and support. Luhan is going to want to come back for that. For you.” 

    Joonmyun left a few hours later and Jongin laid in his bed, staring at the spot that Luhan used to take up. A small sliver of light made its way in through his curtains, illuminating the empty space.

    He wondered where  Luhan was right now, hoping that he was okay. Jongin hoped he left wearing warm clothes and with some food in his stomach. He hoped he was sober and alone. 

    “Please come back,” Jongin whispered. 

 

---

 

    The days trudged on slowly and Jongin tried to get back to his normal routine as much as possible while still staying inside his apartment, just in case Luhan came back at any point in time. He usually spent most of his time laying in bed, though. He hoped during every second that Luhan would knock on the door and be ready to come home but Jongin was starting to doubt that that would ever happen. Jongin tried to stay positive and believe what Joonmyun had told him but when a week passed by and there was still no sign of Luhan returning, he began to prepare himself for the possibility that Luhan would never come back again.

    Jongin pictured his days in case Luhan was gone for good and he didn’t think he’d be able to live calmly again. Now that he knew what the other man had been doing all these years, Jongin would never stop wondering if he was eating okay or if he had a roof over his head or if he was- 

    Alive. 

    Because of Jongin’s carelessness, Luhan was suffering. After being the reason why he was out there in the first place, Jongin couldn’t even help him get out of that life. He had failed Luhan all over again. 

    Jongin began to fall into a deep sadness. It had been a little over two weeks since Luhan left and he had given up all thoughts of him coming back. He wanted to go out and look for him but he knew what Joonmyun had said was true. If Luhan had left again, he’d have made sure that he couldn’t be found this time around. 

    Joonmyun tried to check up on Jongin but the younger man wouldn’t answer the phone. He told Joonmyun not to come over because he didn’t want the knocking to give him false hopes. He remained glued on the couch most of the time, staring at his front door, waiting. 

    “I miss you,” Jongin whispered aloud one night, after the sun had just set. “I’m sorry and I miss you.” 

    He peeled himself off the couch, walking over to the kitchen to wash away the dryness in his mouth. Jongin pulled a glass from his cabinet and filled it with water, quickly chugging it down and relishing the feeling of the liquid going down his throat. 

    Jongin was just about done when he heard it.

    A faint knock on the door.

    He gasped and let go of the cup, glass shattering into tiny pieces all over the floor. He remained still, waiting, just in case he had imagined the sound.

    When the knock came again, Jongin practically ran to the door, ignoring the sting of the glass cutting into his feet. His vision closed in on his front door and his heart was thumping loudly all over his body. 

    The air around him stopped when he pulled open the door, eyes landing on the person standing outside of it. Jongin’s lung constricted and his head felt dizzy but his heart squeezed in joy.

    “I’m cold,” Luhan said, his arms wrapped around his thin shoulders.

    Jongin almost cried in relief. Luhan didn’t look as bad as he had when Jongin first found him but he looked pale and small. Jongin reached over and pulled Luhan in, hugging him tight. Luhan gripped the sides of Jongin’s shirt, burying his face into his chest. Jongin’s warm skin jumped at the feeling of Luhan’s cool touch but he didn’t let go.

    He would never let go again. 

 

---

    

    “You have to tell me the truth if this is going to work,” Jongin said.

    He sat next to Luhan on his bedroom floor, their backs against the bed frame. Jongin gently rubbed his thigh, handing grazing the fabric of the sweats he let Luhan change into.

    After the relief died down within Jongin, he held Luhan at arms length and examined him, looking to see if he was okay. He had been dressed in some of Jongin’s clothes, an old t-shirt and a pair of jeans, but he still looked like he was minutes from freezing over. Luhan’s eyes didn’t have that same glazed look Jongin had once seen, much to his joy. When Jongin tried to examine Luhan’s arms, the other pulled them away rapidly and ran into the bathroom. He refused to let Jongin in but the younger man heard the sink run for a while before Luhan finally emerged, eyes downcast.

    Luhan stared blankly at the window, fingers flexing and unflexing on top of his knees. “What do you want me to say?” Luhan asked coldly.

    Jongin bit down the sting he felt. He wanted to tread more carefully this time but he needed to know where Luhan’s progress had gone. “I guess I should just be straight up. Did you use while you were gone?” 

    Luhan’s jaw tensed. Jongin stayed patient, continuing tracing a pattern on Luhan’s leg. Jongin desperately wanted the answer to be no. He held his breath as he waited, pleading silently for Luhan to still be clean.

    “Yes. I did,” Luhan finally said, a tear beginning to fall from the corner of his eyes. His fingers were now balled into a fist, knuckles white from how hard he was clenching them. “I’m sorry.”

    “Hey, that’s okay,” Jongin said, grabbing Luhan’s hand a massaging them open. “Don’t apologize. We can get past that.” 

    Luhan nodded, using his other balled fist to wipe at his face. “I came back because I was cold and hungry.” 

    “Oh,” Jongin replied. 

    “I tried- I tried to get money. To get food.”

    Jongin swallowed. “Did you?”

    Luhan sighed hard, whining a little as he tried to hold back his cries. “I got money.” 

    It was hard to hear all of this. Jongin hated picturing any of this. He hated thinking that Luhan would rather be out there struggling for a few bucks when Jongin was offering so much more. But he knew he couldn’t take it personally. 

    “I got the money but I didn’t use it for food,” Luhan admitted. “I got high. Ugh, is it horrible to say that I missed it? That I craved it so bad?” He turned his head to finally look at Jongin. The pain that Luhan’s eyes carried was heavy and dark and Jongin could see how exhausted he was of having it inside of him. Jongin wanted to reach over and wipe away the tears, taking the pain along with it. 

    “Luhan, listen to me,” Jongin said firmly. “Your body is addicted to something evil and it’s not your fault for going back to it, okay? Relapses happen but we can move forward.”

    “How can you still want to help me? I just told you I only came back because I was freezing and you still want to help me?!” Luhan yelled. “Why don’t you just leave                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          me to die?”

    Jongin grabbed Luhans’s face in between both of his hands. “Because I meant it when I said I love you. That means I’m going to do everything I can to help you get out of this.”

    Luhan leaned closer and pressed their foreheads together. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

    “Mean what?” 

    “I didn’t just come back because I was cold. I came back because I missed you. And because I wanted to be better for you.”

    “Luhan-”

    “No, it’s true,” Luhan interrupted. He sniffled and let his head fall onto Jongin’s shoulder. “After I did- after that, I couldn’t stop picturing your face. How disappointed you’d be in me for going back to what I was doing before when you did so much to support me.”

    Jongin sighed. He couldn’t say he wasn’t a little sad that Luhan had easily given himself away again, but he didn’t understand the deep need the other man felt in his body to get high. He knew he’d never feel that pain so he told himself to just let it go. What's done is done. 

    “I’m not disappointed, Lu,” Jongin whispered to him. “I just want to see you get better.” 

    Luhan nodded. “I want to get better.” 

    “And you will. We’ll just take it day by day.”

 

---

 

    It was worse than the first time around.

    Jongin thought that knowing what to expect would make it easier for him but it didn’t. Luhan was wearing Jongin down again but he wouldn’t back down again. He wouldn’t mess up for a second time. 

    But knowing how every stage was going to go made the withdrawal drag on for both of them. Luhan getting sick went on for only a couple of days yet time stretched longer and longer within those hours. The cold sweats and hallucinations were neverending, no matter what Jongin did to provide some tiny bit of comfort. The monster that lied within Luhan tried to ruin Jongin once and for all, yelling, hitting, scratching. He wanted to take the tiny bit of light Jongin had inside of him right now and put it out, dragging him down into a downward spiral. 

    “I don’t want to eat,” Luhan moaned as he wrapped a blanket around him, forehead gleaming with moisture.

    “You have to, Lu,” Jongin said, trying to spoon a bite of oatmeal into the man lying in bed. 

    “I’m just going to puke it up. Does it matter?” 

    “Yes, you still need to try,” Jongin persisted, spoon still held in the air.

    “I don’t want to!” Luhan screamed, swatting away the food. The spoon flew from Jongin’s grasp and bounced on the floor a couple of times before falling still. “Leave.” 

    It was just the same as before. 

    “I can’t help him, hyung,” Jongin whispered into his phone one night. He sat outside of his apartment, sitting in the stairwell. Luhan had just fallen asleep after a particularly hard day and Jongin was about to drop. He sat, cold in just a pair of shorts and a tank, his feet bare. 

    “Yes, you can,” Joonmyun encouraged. “You’ve been doing great.”

    “I can’t even get him to eat.” 

    “It’s a battle between you and the drugs. Luhan’s not the one fighting you. Don’t give up. You did it once and you can do it again.”

    Jongin was skeptical. Even when Luhan got past all these withdrawal symptoms, who’s to say Jongin will be able to make him stay this time? He wanted to believe that once this was over, Luhan would turn to him and say, “I love you, too.”

    That future was hard to picture when Luhan was yelling always and staring at Jongin with venom in his eyes and using words to tear directly into him. Could they ever be happy the way they used to be?    Jongin almost began to think they could never. 

    But one day, when Jongin’s eyes were too heavy to open early and he ended up sleeping late into the morning, he saw that Luhan was not in his bed. His heart sank and he sprang up from the bed, cursing himself for not watching him more carefully. Jongin was sure Luhan had left and this time for good. 

    He had already begun to dial Joonmyun’s number as he walked into the living room, too occupied with the dial tone that he didn’t notice the noise of plates being set down in the kitchen.

    “Finally awake?” 

    Jongin jumped and dropped his phone, letting it clatter on the floor. He clutched at his chest and spotted Luhan standing at the island, a tiny smirk playing on his lips. In front of him were two plates stacked with pancakes and two mugs filled with what smelled like coffee. 

    “You’re still here,” Jongin stated.

    Luhan nodded. “I am. I was about to go wake you but you beat me to it.”

“What is all this?” Jongin asked, heading over to the table. He pulled out and chair and sat down, Luhan doing the same thing.
    “It’s breakfast,” Luhan said. “I- I wanted to thank you in some way.”

Luhan pushed one of the plates towards Jongin, handing him a fork and some syrup as well. Jongin took the fork in his hand but didn’t bite down into the food just yet. “You don’t need to thank me for anything.” 

“I do,” Luhan said. He picked up a fork and cut into the fluffy dough but he also didn’t eat. “You’ve done more than I deserve. The least I can do is make you some pancakes.”

“Lu-”

“No, seriously, Jongin,” Luhan interrupted. “I put you through hell for the past few weeks. For the past two years. You helped me when you could’ve said no.”

Jongin nodded. “I could have. But why would I do that?”

“Because I left you.” 

“You got into a pretty bad situation, Lu. But you’re climbing back out of it,” Jongin told him. “Turning yourself around and getting off of drugs is going to be a fight you have to go through mostly. I’m only a little part of it.”

Luhan shrugged and stabbed his pancakes. “Yea. But you’re the main reason I want to get clean.” 

Jongin wished that those words didn’t make his heart feel like it was going to open at the seams and he tried to hide his smile. Luhan caught sight of his lips twitching at the end and couldn’t help but smile, too. 

It was just breakfast. A simple meal. But it felt like the beginning of where they had left off. And for now, that was enough.

---

Epilogue coming soon.