Jongin shivered as he walked down the dimly lit sidewalk. It was nighttime and the darkness was fighting hard against the weak lamp posts that lined the street. 

    He passed by a pair of girls who were chattering excitedly. Their steps faltered as they spotted Jongin but kept walking a few seconds later as if it hadn’t happened. Jongin pretended that he didn’t notice the stares and that he didn’t hear them whispering about him as they crossed paths.

    If it had been even two years ago, Jongin wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere without being bombarded by fans shoving cameras into his face. He smiled a little. He was grateful that the girls hadn’t stopped him to ask if he was really the Kim Jongin. Otherwise known as Kai from EXO.

    Shoving his hands into his pockets, Jongin thought back to his glory days as a member of one of the most popular boy groups in South Korea. He’d been riding high for years as EXO won award after award, topping the charts and selling out stadiums. As humble as Jongin tried to stay, he knew just how huge they had been.

    Jongin loved being a part of EXO. But now, almost two years after they disbanded, Jongin’s life was a lot calmer. There was less excitement, less of a rush, but Jongin felt happier. He felt at peace. Getting to go into places and not be bothered or harassed by media or aggressive fans was a nice change from the fast paced life he had been living. 

    But even if he loved his life now, there was always a part of him that was lost since they ended. 

    The cold was beginning to bite at Jongin’s skin. Jongin was still twenty minutes away from his apartment but he wanted to get out of the cold now. 

    Up ahead, Jongin noticed an alleyway that cut straight through the middle of the block. He had passed through the alley a couple of times and knew that it would cut his commute in half. Jongin hated taking it at night as the lights in the alley were basically adornments. But with the temperature reaching single digits, he was willing to risk it.

    Hesitating for a couple of seconds, Jongin second guessed whether he should walk through it. A gust of wind came at that second and forced him into the black path.

    Picking up the pace, Jongin eyes tried to adjust to the intense darkness. He tripped over a couple of unidentified objects on the floor but he kept walking. Jongin felt himself shiver, but this time it was from fear.

    Jongin was about halfway when a box suddenly appeared in front of him. He was sent sprawling forward. He landed hard on his arms and he gasped as he felt the wind knocked out of him. He laid there on the floor for a couple of seconds trying to regain some air and rid his arms of the painful sting.

    “You okay there, baby?”

    Jongin froze. A voice cut through the alley and sent chills up his spine. He heard the voice chuckle a little. It came off as deep but Jongin could tell it was trying to sound lower than it actually was.

    “No need to be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you.”

    Jongin got up quickly, dusting off his pants. “I don’t want any trouble. Just trying to get home,” he told the voice.

    “Good. I don’t want any trouble either.”

    Some part of Jongin’s brain lit up and recognized the voice. But where could he possible have heard it before? “Okay, I’m going to leave now,” Jongin said almost threateningly.

    The voice laughed again and the recognition was getting stronger.

    “Leaving so soon? That was a pretty nasty fall. I could help take some of the pain away.”

    Jongin knew he should turn around and leave. “No, that’s okay,” he said.

    “You sure?” the voice said, almost purring.

    A ping in his chest startled Jongin. A warm heat enveloped him and he began to grow frustrated at himself. The voice was triggering a reaction from somewhere deep inside Jongin. Why wasn’t he leaving? “Yea, I’m sure.”

    His eyes began to adjust a little to the struggling lights and he noticed a figure standing next to a couple of boxes and crates. He was leaning against the wall and from what Jongin could tell, he was wearing very little clothing. But that silhouette, the curve of the hips, the length of the legs, the shape of his face. It was all so familiar. It reminded him so much of -

The man walked forward, letting some light shine down onto him. 

    Jongin gasped as he took in the face of the other man.

    “Luhan?” he asked breathlessly.

    Two years after closing a chapter of his life, in a dark abandoned alley, Jongin was face to face with the one who had disappeared on them all.

    A horrified expression made its way onto Jongin’s face. He took in Luhan’s appearance and felt like crying. Luhan stumbled a little as he walked and was using one arm to support himself on the crates. A ripped cropped tip covered his chest and a short, tight black skirt wrapped his hips. He wore beat up boots and ripped fishnets on his legs. His hair was dirty and sticking in every direction and his skin was pale and bruised. Scratch marks and cuts were scattered all over Luhan’s arms and there were holes and bright veins near the bend of his elbow where Jongin was sure drugs had been placed.

    But what broke Jongin’s heart the most was the blank look in Luhan’s eyes as they stared at each other. His eyes were glassy and grey and if Luhan recognized him, he didn’t show it. All he did was bite his lower lip a little, cracking the dry skin more. 

    “How do you know my name, sweetie? Return customer?” Luhan said, his words coming out slow.

    Jongin swallowed the lump in his throat, ignoring the burn in his eyes as tears formed. “Luhan,” he said again, softer.

    “That’s my name, baby. So what can I do for you this time? I’ll do it all. For a price of course,” Luhan slurred.

    A sob escaped Jongin. He cleared his throat and pushed down the bubbling emotions coming from inside him and stepped forward. “Luhan,” he said. “It’s me.”

    “Who exactly is me? I have a lot of customers,” Luhan said.

    Heartbreak after heartbreak kept coming at Jongin. “It’s me,” he repeated. He stepped closer to Luhan who recoiled a little at his movements. “It’s me. It’s- It’s Jongin,” he said, words choking up in his throat.

    Luhan’s head snapped up. His eyes narrowed a little and he leaned his head forward, inspecting the man in front of him. “Jongin?” 

    “Yea. I’m Jongin. It’s me.”

    Luhan tilted his head to the side. “I haven’t heard that name in a long time. You’re not Jongin. I know Jongin. You’re not Jongin.”

    Tears were freely flowing from Jongin’s eyes at this point. “Luhan, please. It really is me.”

    Luhan laughed again. “No, baby. I know my Jongin. You’re not him.”

    How drugged up was Luhan to not notice that Jongin was standing right there. He was talking to him, crying for him, and he still didn’t know who he was. He got closer and Luhan stepped back a little. “If you want anything from me, you’re gonna have to pay up,” Luhan warned.

    Jongin ignored him and kept going closer. With the distance getting smaller, he saw how skinny Luhan was. His wrists could have snapped in half any second and the crop top failed to hide his protruding ribs. Luhan was shaking visibly and he saw the dark blue circles surrounding his eyes. 

    “Luhan,” Jongin said. Luhan tried to step back again but he stumbled and began to fall. Jongin reached out and grabbed his arm. He was able to wrap his entire hand around it. Jongin took Luhan’s arm and pulled the man close to him. Those glassy eyes moved up and down across Jongin’s features. The two were standing just a few inches apart. Jongin held Luhan’s arms across his chest.

Luhan’s eyes began to change a little. Jongin moved his hands from Luhan’s wrist to wrap around his waist. At this switch in positions, Luhan automatically leaned a little closer, putting his own arms around Jongin’s neck. His thumbs instinctively played with the sides of Jongin’s neck, just like he used to all those years ago.

“It’s me, Luhan,” Jongin said again.

Luhan moved his eyes to look into Jongin’s eyes. He bit his lip and scrunched his eyebrows together as some recognition flashed across his face. “Jongin?”

“Yea, Lu,” Jongin said. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Shaking his head, Luhan’s eyes began to tear up as well. “I’ve felt these arms before. I know this feeling,” Luhan murmured to himself. He kept looking at Jongin through his drugged-fueled daze. “Comfort. Jongin made me feel safe.”

Jongin pulled Luhan into a hug. One hand moved up to cradle the back of Luhan’s head. He ran his fingers through the dirty strands of Luhan’s hair, ignoring how grimy it felt on his hand. “You’re safe. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay? I’ve got you now.”

Luhan’s arms moved from Jongin’s neck to his waist. His ear pressed against Jongin’s chest and he hummed a little. “This sound. It was my favorite sound. It was Jongin’s heart.” He shifted his head to look up at Jongin, still keeping his ear pressed against Jongin. “Is that really you?”

Jongin nodded, wiping away a tear that had fallen onto Luhan’s cheek. “I’ve got you, Lu.” 

“Jongin….” Luhan began to say before his face scrunched up. “Jongin. I’m so sorry,” he managed to get out before falling apart. Luhan’s legs crumbled out from under him and Jongin had to hold him up to keep from falling.

“Oh, Luhan,” Jongin said. His fingers pressed into the cold skin of Jongin’s back. “Let’s go to my place. It’s too cold for you to be out here.” Luhan kept crying so Jongin bent down to grab the back of his thighs and hoisted him onto his waist. 

Jongin tried to pull the skirt down over Luhan’s bottom but the piece of fabric was too short. He didn’t want to carry Luhan through the city with his entire behind exposed so he put Luhan down for a few seconds. Taking off his jacket, he draped it over Luhan’s shoulders and picked him back up again.

Once he made sure nothing was peeking out and that Luhan was grabbing his neck to keep himself support, Jongin began the walk to his apartment. He was glad that it was late enough at night and very cold that people didn’t want to leave their houses.

Jongin heard Luhan crying in his ear and he tried to pretend like there wasn’t a thousand knives slicing into his heart with every sob that shook Luhan’s body.

He needed to get Luhan home. He needed to help him. 

Guilt slammed into Jongin with every step as he remembered the last fight he and Luhan had had. He could fix this. He had to.

 

---

 

    Jongin sat in a chair next to his bed, holding a cup of coffee in his hand. The liquid inside had gone cold long ago as he watched Luhan’s sleeping form. 

    The two had gotten home an hour and a half ago and Luhan panicked a little when Jongin had placed him down. Somewhere along the way, Luhan had forgotten that Jongin was the one carrying him and tried to run away. Jongin had to hold him down until Luhan began to remember again.

    Jongin had been able to get him to take a bath. Luhan sat wordlessly as Jongin rubbed a washcloth over his frail body. Jongin’s fingers traced over faint scars and bright red marks. He tried not to cry at how much damage Luhan’s skin was carrying. Luhan never winced when Jongin passed over a fresh looking cut, never cried out in pain when Jongin accidentally pressed into one of the many bruises adorning him. 

    When Jongin was washing his hair, Luhan had leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He hummed a little at the action. “This is the kindest touch I’ve felt in a long time,” Luhan whispered, just loud enough for Jongin to hear. Jongin couldn’t hold back the tears that came then.

    Washed and warm, Jongin lent Luhan some pajamas and tucked him into his bed, where the latter instantly passed out. 

    Now, Jongin stayed by Luhan’s side, staring at the slight rise and fall of the other man’s chest. Luhan looked so small in Jongin’s giant bed, engulfed by all the pillows and blankets he owned. 

It warmed Jongin’s heart to see how relaxed Luhan looked as he slumbered. The pain he harbored and the loopy drug-fueled gaze was gone. Instead, he looked wistful. He lips were slightly parted and his nose was pressed into the pillow. His hand rested gently next to his head. 

Jongin had cried a lot that night and he knew he’d cry a lot more in the next couple of days. 

This is all my fault, he thought to himself. His chest pinched tightly and Jongin brought up a hand to clutch at it. 

Jongin thought about calling the other members. He knew they’d want to know that Luhan was found and alive. A lot of them joked that he’d evaporated into thin air but he knew they were all as worried and hurt as Jongin had been. But Jongin didn’t want them to see Luhan the way he was right now. They’d gotten used to the pain of Luhan being gone. He didn’t want to create bigger wounds.

Besides, Jongin knew he was the one to cause this. He was the only one who could fix this. That was the least he could do for Luhan.

 

---

 

    Jongin and Luhan burst into Jongin’s apartment. Slamming the door closed, Jongin slammed Luhan against the hard wood. The two meet together for a kiss, sliding their lips across the others in desperation. It wasn’t close enough. It wasn’t enough.

    Jongin grabbed Luhan’s hair and pulled back, earning himself a moan. Dragging his tongue along the vein of Luhan’s neck, Jongin used his other hand to cup the growing bulge in the other man’s pants.

    “Ahh,” Luhan gasped. He leaned into Jongin’s touch, shutting his eyes as Jongin nipped up and down his neck.

    “We did it,” Jongin said. “We won.”

    Luhan smiled, grinding himself into Jongin’s hand. “Is this celebratory ?” he said in between pants. Jongin nodded and Luhan giggled a little bit, cutting himself off as Jongin a strip up to the back of his ear. 

    The two had just come back from Music Bank, high off of EXO’s first even win. Jongin and Luhan were overwhelmed with emotion, for EXO, but especially for each other. Years of back breaking work had finally paid off. They both knew how hard the other worked to be the best they could be, so this award wasn’t for them. It was for the other.

    Jongin unbuckled Luhan’s belt quickly, shoving his pants down. He grabbed Luhan’s member over his underwear and Luhan’s moaned at the warm touch.

    “I love you,” Luhan breathed as Jongin sped up the motion.

    There was a pause as Luhan’s words hung in the air, suspended by the heat of their actions. 

    “What?” Jongin said.

    “- I- Ignore me,” Luhan said. He tried to go in to kiss Jongin but the younger man moved his head away. “Jongin-”

    “Do you mean it?” Jongin said, a smile starting to form.

    Luhan returned the smile and wrapped his arms around Jongin’s neck and rubbed his thumbs just under his hairline. He pressed their foreheads together and looked into Jongin’s eyes. “Yea. I really do.”

    Jongin wrapped his arms around Luhan’s waist and brought him in for a hug. Jongin planted a kiss a Luhan’s cheek before saying, “I love you, too.”

    The two began to make out, slow and gentle. Jongin led Luhan to his bed, slowly pushing him onto his back and settling in between his legs. 

    They spent the entire night trying to show just how much they loved each other, even though none of it felt like it was enough. 

 

---

 

    Jongin stood up quickly,  startled by the memory that decided to enter his head. He felt hot all of a sudden and he ignored the very obvious reason why. With a quick glance at Luhan to make sure he was still sound asleep, Jongin went to the kitchen to go get himself a glass of water. 

    Dumping his cold coffee into the sink, he placed with white mug down on the marble counter. He leaned against the cold surface, taking deep breaths as a rush of past feelings swirled inside of Jongin. 

    Reaching up to grab a cup from the cabinet in front of him, Jongin turned the sink on and let the water flow into the glass. He chugged the liquid in record time, hoping to extinguish the fire that he thought went out a long time ago. He repeated this several times, only to find that the fire was still raging strong.

    .

 

---

 

    “Jongin, we can’t just give up this easily!” 

    Jongin rolled his eyes, peeking over the top of his laptop. He was laying down in he and Luhan’s shared bed, scrolling aimlessly through the mindless content of the internet. “I’m not giving up anything, Luhan.”

    Luhan stood at the doorway of their room, arms crossed over his chest and pouted heavily. “Yes, you are! You all are!” 

    “That’s not what this is and you know it,” Jongin pointed out.

    Luhan ran a hand through his hair in frustration, messing up the golden brown locks. Jongin closed his laptop and set it aside next to him. He sat up, hanging his legs off the edge of the bed. “Can you come sit?” he asked Luhan, patting the space next to him.

    “No,” Luhan said. “Not until you change your mind.”

    Jongin sighed, looking down into his lap. “Luhan…”

    “Jongin, please!” Luhan begged. “We can’t just not be in EXO anymore. So much has gone into this group. Too much just to throw it all away.”

    Jongin stood up and went over to his boyfriend who now had tears falling down his face. Luhan stepped back a little but ultimately let Jongin wrap his arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around Jongin’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. They stayed silent for a while as Luhan cried silently.

    “It’s time, babe,” Jongin said, interrupting the quiet.

    “Why does it have to be?” Luhan asked, his voice coming out strained. 

    Jongin leaned back a little and tilted Luhans’ head up with his hand. “We’ve all been talking about this for a long time. It’s not that we don’t love EXO. We do. With everything we have.”

    “Then why? Why don’t you guys want to renew?”

    Jongin used his thumb to wipe away the tears from Luhan’s cheeks. “It just feels like the right time to end. We’ve done all we wanted to achieve and much more. I know Kyungsoo wants to focus more on acting. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have been wanting to get into fashion design. And I want to try a hand at modeling.”

    “So?” Luhan asked. 

    “So, it means that we all want to do other things. Making music and being apart of EXO has been a dream come true. But all good things come to an end.”

    Luhan shoved Jongin in the chest, sending the latter stumbling back a few steps. Jongin tripped a little over his socked feet and stared at Luhan in shock. “Luhan!”

    “Don’t you get it? This is all I want to do. Even now. Even after ten years, all I want to do is be in EXO, together with all of you!” Luhan yelled. “Why isn’t anyone taking that into consideration?”

    “You’d rather us be in a group that we don’t want to be in anymore, have to deal with a grueling schedule, all for the sake of one person?”

    “At the very least, you should be willing to do that. For me,” Luhan responded, pointing a finger at himself. 

    Jongin’s shoulders drooped a little. “Luhan…”

    Luhan held a hand up and Jongin stopped talking. Luhan was crying harder now. He used one hand to wipe at the never ending stream of tears coming from his eyes. “Is this too much to ask? That you do this for me?” 

    Jongin hesitated before speaking. “Yea, Lu. It is.”

    Luhan looked up at Jongin with shiny eyes. His nose was red and he was biting his lower lip. He shook his head a little and began walking backwards out of the room. “I thought you loved me.”

    “Luhan, I do love you-”

    Luhan his heel and ran out of the room, slamming the door on Jongin’s face. By the time Jongin reopened it, he heard the front door slamming closed. Exiting their apartment, he looked up and down the hall for Luhan with no luck. 

    Jongin ran out into the street to find him but didn’t spot him between the crowd of people. “Luhan!” he yelled out. A few people turned to give him questioning stares but he kept running down the block in search of his boyfriend. He returned to their apartment thirty minutes later without Luhan.

    Jongin sat down on the couch in the living room, settling himself onto the white cushions. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face into his hands. 

    “He’ll come back,” Jongin said out loud. “He has to. Of course, he’ll come back.”

    After the first day that Luhan ran out, Jongin assumed he was staying with a friend. He kept calling and texting but got no answer in return.

    After the second day, Jongin called all of the other EXO members and asked if they had seen Luhan. No one had but they told him not to worry. Luhan would calm down and return soon.

    After a week, Jongin called hotels and police stations and went around asking restaurants if they had seen Luhan. None of them had. 

    A month later, EXO had their negotiations to renew their contract. The EXO members wanted to put if off until Luhan came back but SM was insistent. Without Luhan there to input his opinion, they didn’t renew their contract and EXO officially ceased to exist.

    After three months, Joonmyun and Yifan had offered to help pack Luhan’s to get rid of the reminders. Jongin called them heartless and cruel. He broke down and cried in the arms of Joonmyun while Yifan watched silently.

    It was after a year that Jongin finally packed up everything in their shared apartment. He debated whether to toss all of Luhan’s stuff or not. He decided to put it all in storage, his last little bit of hope that Luhan would return guiding him towards this decision. Jongin sold the place and moved into a smaller apartment far, far away from where they used to live.  He made sure nothing that reminded him of Luhan came with him, except for a coffee mug with the letter L that Luhan loved so much. He shoved it into the back of his kitchen cabinets, forgotten starting from that day.

---

Short little intro to set up everything that;s going to happen later! Hope you enjoy!