Lee Hayi had never thought that she was capable to love someone in a romantic, intimate way. She loved her parents, and the only person she loved after them was Jung Jaewon. Two out of three people that she ever loved were no longer around, and for her to still be able to love after that was something she couldn’t fathom. Love terrified her, and though she once thought Jaewon was a boy that she could actually love in that way, she had stopped herself from coming close to that area. Hence why she failed to understand where she went wrong with the boy named Kim Hanbin. It was dangerous. It was deadly. It wasn’t going to be him who killed her this time; she was killing herself the day she decided to let him stay in her life. It wasn’t anybody’s fault but hers. She was careless, and it was too late once the realisation came crashing in.

Attachment is a dangerous thing. Lee Hayi learned that young and innocent. Nevertheless, while she knew it was a dangerous thing, she couldn’t help but attaching herself to all the possible what-ifs, to all the dreamy probabilities—to Kim Hanbin—and perhaps things would be all right after all, eventually; a hopeful, mindless thought that she had from time to time. She also knew that while being hopeful was what kept her going, it was the same hopefulness that would screw her over if things didn’t go as well as she wanted—an absolutely, deadly dangerous combination. She was after all, a fool in love, and perhaps there was a pinch of hopefulness within the hopelessness. Moreover, being in love makes one to believe in the impossible, and Hayi, though she was logical and rational most of the time, was no exception.

Hanbin never knew, and Hayi never planned to let him know about her stupid feelings. However, whenever he came close—shoulders bumped and fingers brushing against one another, or when his ocean eyes stared at her a tad too long, or his blinding smile or boyish scent—she couldn’t help wondering whether he could actually hear how loud and fast her heart was beating, or how reddish her cheeks became. She wondered if he noticed, and if he did, he did a good job in pretending as if he didn’t. She didn’t want him to know, because it meant that she let him to see her vulnerability even more, and there was nothing scarier than an up-close vulnerability. Moreover, she didn’t know what he actually felt for her—probably nothing more than a friend—and she didn’t want to embarrass herself. She was scared, because he was her best friend, and she didn’t want to ruin anything though for all her life, that was what she did best.

It was a constant battle between her head and her heart, and she didn’t see herself winning in any of it.

It was finally December, which meant that winter had finally approached. Winter was one of a few things that Hayi genuinely liked. Autumn was a second close. If there was anything that made her was able to make her excited, it was winter. Winter fell on the third week of December that year, which was also the last week of school before they all went for winter break, which made it even better. Hence, Hayi, as strange as it was, couldn’t help being giddy, that it caught Hanbin off guard when he saw her at the school gate. She was waiting for him, which was another thing that was weird because she had never waited for him. He gave her a peculiar look, observing her for another ten seconds, before he said, “I think it’s true, what people say.”

Hayi matched her steps with his with a smile gracing her lips. “What is?”

He looked down on her, shrugging. “That a smile is the best make up a girl could ever put on.”

Hayi’s smile faded into a thin line. “Are you teasing me?” she asked, her steps also died, which caused him to stop as well.

“I’m complimenting you,” he corrected her.

Hayi thought that Hanbin really needed to stop, because her heart could burst if he didn’t. That was, of course, not the first and the last time he ever complimented her. In fact, it grew more and more each day, that it eventually managed to make her believed that there was something in her worth seeing—and loving. Perhaps all her flaws were flawless after all.

It turned out that Hanbin’s father never made it home. He tried, but he never made it. It was only a few days after Christmas, and it made both Hayi and Hanbin wonder if it would make any difference if he decided to return a few days earlier, probably on Christmas Day or something. It would probably be different then, but he decided to return two days after Christmas, only for him to return halfway, staining the white blanket of snow with his own dark redness that he almost turned the whole thing red just like him. Boxes of gifts scattered not too far from the scene, but his fingers managed to loosely grip the roses all the while until the end.

It was heart-wrenching. The silence was loud. It was so loud; it was demanding to be heard they couldn’t do anything but to hear it.

That same night, when the stone cold walls were the witness of how the man in white made Hanbin’s father’s death official, Hayi saw Hanbin cried for the first time. However, that was only after his mother and sister went away for some sort of documentations. She looked at him, and he looked at her; no words exchanged but she got him. She understood. She understood his silence well. Hanbin didn’t need to say anything for her to take 5 steps forward to him—to close the gap between the two of them—and she engulfed him with her small arms. Standing on her toes, she gently put his head on her shoulder, and she almost freaked out when he didn’t breathe at all, but then she understood why. He was holding himself back from crying, but failed terribly so. He cried, and Hayi had her first heartbreak right then and there.

He let out the first sob, followed by another and another, and it got louder after each time. It was violent. It was blue. It was cold. It was distant. It was ugly. He poured everything that was left in him into his cries that his knees went weak he ended up falling onto the floor. But, Hayi never let go. She never let go. She cradled him in her arms, head on her chest as Hayi let her chin rested on his head. She never let go though her legs became sore from the uncomfortable position. She let Hanbin weep for all he wanted, until he cried no more. She never let go though his shoulders were no longer trembling and his body was no longer cold. She never let go until he woke up two hours later. She never let go still, because she was afraid that if she did, he would fall apart. His whole universe had fallen apart; she didn’t want him to follow.

Hayi never, ever let him go, and Hanbin spent all his nights that came right after that day thanking God simply because she existed.

Days passed by painfully slow. Hayi never left Hanbin’s side, except for the time she had to return to her own home. Her mother understood as she too had witnessed death. Hayi stayed with Hanbin throughout the funeral and all the dark days that followed. It was unfair how the rest of the world kept going when Hanbin’s literally stopped. She thought everything should stop altogether. He didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve the pain. He was one of the most beautiful people she knew, and she thought it really messed up how life decided to screw Kim Hanbin as well. If she could ever do anything to stop the pain, she would. However, she was such a failure at consoling another human being. All these times she only did so to herself. She didn’t know what to do to lessen the pain—to numb the pain. She wasn’t a strong person herself. She was just there, and it hurt her just the same at the thought it wasn’t enough.

“Don’t be silly,” Hanbin flicked her forehead. “You, Lee Hayi, have done enough. More than enough in fact.”

“I wish I could do more,” she whispered. “I can’t stand you hurting.”

For a moment there, it was just silence. They were at the balcony of his house. It was almost midnight. His mother and sister were already asleep. Hayi was going to have a sleepover there as his family had already accepted her as their own. They lived in a beautiful apartment complex, which was just across the Han River. Though it was late, the city was still alive. Cars were still flocking on the road. People were still hanging out by the river. She had her eyes on the moving cars hundreds meters below, and he had his eyes on her. All the stars in the sky and he decided to look at her instead. There was something intimate in seeing her in her pyjamas instead