This can’t be it.

I can’t be pregnant.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I stare at my reflection and then at the pregnancy test and then back at my beautiful face. I am not even done grimacing over the result when a loud bang at the door makes me jump out of my skin.

I swear to God if Kibum hyung wasn’t my friend slash self-appointed mother, I’d have murdered him for being so nosy. Can’t the man wait?? It’s not like the commode is a passage to Narnia and I’ll this world, bye es into it and flush myself. Last thing I saw something remotely as similar to Choi Minho’s face, I flushed it down the same toilet so you really think I’ll go there too??

“Taemin?! Are you okay!?” No. I am not, hyung. Who will be okay after finding out what awaits them in the future? Who will be happy after finding out that they are pregnant with Choi Minho’s tadpole?! “Baby are you okay?? Do you need help?” I roll my eyes at that. Please. If you’re going to volunteer for murdering Choi Minho, I’m up.

Now how am I so sure that this baby is Minho’s? You see, ehm, once upon a time, there was a who was deflowered by Choi Minho in the heat induced by apple juice. Apple juice because we are underage. He is 2 years older than me, which makes him 18 and legal but the problem is, he hasn’t turned 18 yet so…

“Taemin?!”

“Hyung I am not dead, Jesus! Wait!”

Okay so how do I crack this to hyung? And mom? And more hyungs? And Adam and Eve?

Okay let’s begin with Kibum hyung.

Hyung, I am pregnant.

No, what the , he’ll squeal so loud that Aunt Mary next door will come running with her reporting crew and then the whole world will know that a human can carry a frog’s child. That too, a male human.

Hyung, sign me up for Teen Dad, if there is such a show.

Oh God no, he’ll think I got some girl pregnant and then again he’ll squeal and Aunt Mary and the cycle repeats.

Hyung, frogs and humans can mate. I am a living example.

I shake my head at that, a bit too aggrevisely because what the . He’ll think I have a frog-kink and ew.

To Mom?

Mom, your baby is having a baby.

Ew that sounds wrong on so many levels.

Mom, guess who stole your title with two gotchu fingers pointed at her?

I shake my head as if I can shake the lameness away.

Okay let’s rehearse breaking it to Taesun hyung.

Hyung, I am adding another Lee to the collection.

That lowkey sounds like I am collecting Lees from the population serial-killer style.

Adam and Eve?

You both have competition.

It sounds like I am wanting to be murdered because let’s be real, babies and pets don’t go together.

I am staring back into the reflection and just when I am raising my shirt to see if my pregnancy is visible, there is another knock but wait.

Why does it sound calm?

As far as my sanity is concerned, Kibum hyung and the word calm are sworn-enemies. Calm can’t be Kibum hyung and hyung can’t be calm so I am thinking who exactly and then as if someone hears my thoughts, I hear a voice.

“Taemin? You finally found your new home?”

Okay, did I forget to tell you that my mom and Kibum are like sisters? If Kibum hyung was a woman that is. And if they came out of the same mother, which they didn’t.

I’ll blame the idiotic examples on the pregnancy hormones.

“Mom, hyung, can you wait?! I am coming!”

“Wow Taemin, we didn’t ask that.” And I’m thinking what the heck but then I realise that it’s Kibum hyung and everything is a big what the heck about him from him not being born my mother’s sister to how he breathes.

I turn to my side and lift my shirt and get greeted by a food baby. I mean, that’s what it looks like right now where it’s a slight bump which I am sure, in usual pregnancies isn’t visible 4 weeks in so I blame it on the burrito we just had.

Wait, could it be the burrito?

I clutch the sides of the basin and ask my reflection and just as uselessly, it stares back with the same overly perplexed scrunch of face. Then my brain presents me with the fact that idiot, burrito doesn’t get you pregnant. On second thoughts though, if burrito was a man, he’d be a whole package.

I chuckle.

“Who are you talking to?!”

Please forgive me. It’s this ing baby’s fault and the man who induced it in me.

After debating with myself for a while, I open the door and there I see my mother and my second mother having a deep conversation about something, That something being fashion, I also catch a few Aunt [redacted] has the weirdest fashion sense which I disagree to because neither does she have sense nor is there any fashion lingering in her soul. What she does have is a very annoying son who just happens to be my classmate slash bully slash my personal punching bag.

I mean, if I am angry and I need to take it out on someone, I go to Ravi, provoke him for having a small and when he gets ready to pounce on me, I kick him in the nuts and voila kids, that’s how you take your anger out.

Let’s leave out the bits where mom has grounded me for it so many times.

“So…are you telling us what bomb were you building in there?” Kibum hyung is asking with his one leg swung over the other.

It’s an atomic bomb to blow you off this planet’s face.

Seriously though, doesn’t he have better things to do than sit here and wait till I am done emptying my stomach into the toilet bowl?

“Don’t scowl at me, what’s the deal? Did you throw up again?” I inhale, not because I am out of breath or nervous or both, but because Kibum hyung’s perfume is so strong it’s making me nauseous and light-headed again, which are both not good signs.

That’s it. Get it done with.

I put the pregnancy test in mom’s lap and climb up the bed, burying my face in the piles of pillows I have.

Not even 2 seconds in and my mom is screaming and my other mom is also screaming and I don’t know what to do because I am also a soon to be dad so like do I scream too or do I just ignore humanity for the rest of my 9 months.

“TAEMIN OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT!”

I did nut, that’s the whole ing problem, mom.

So did he and the problem is, he nutted in me. I shake my head into the pillows, refusing to believe that this is not a dream. Come on brain, wake me up, and tell me it’s a joke.

But then I realise that it’s my life and it’s pretty much a joke in itself.

“ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER?!”

I don’t know Kibum hyung, do you feel dizzy and nauseous when you have that? You think I didn’t check it online?

I snort.

As if Google holds an MBBS degree.

Google’s like a possessive girlfriend. Not even half sentence in and it’s already suggesting you what you meant and jumping to conclusions. I know what I mean, Google, I don’t need your ing suggestions just let me finish.

Did you mean ‘duck’?

No Google, I meant . you.

“We are going to a gynaecologist. Now!”

And that’s how I end up with the report in my hand and an angry mother goose driving me home. What pisses me off is Kibum hyung was laughing the entire time. He thinks this whole situation is so funny because first, male pregnancy is super rare and he won’t shut up about me being the chosen one, second, I am like just out of the foetus phase 2 seconds ago and now I have a foetus in me and third, because it’s Kibum condition where he thinks everything is funny as long as it’s not his life.

 The fact that he has the audacity to mention prophecies is what makes me paw at his neck from the front seat but then mother goose slaps my hand away from her sister and glares at me.

Imagine being pregnant and glared at.

Yes, that feeling.

The only problem is you can’t imagine and can’t relate because you’re not pregnant.

I am overwhelmed and I am almost tearing up in the front seat, arms crossed against my chest but mother goose does nothing to slap a tape over hyung’s mouth or throwing me daggers.

“So are you telling the name or not?” She asks, car stopped by our porch. I don’t say anything and simply play pubg on my phone but she does this typical mother thing where she taps the screen and my character shoots that gives away my hiding spot so I whine.

“Mom don’t touch the screen!”

“Pause it!”

“Mom it’s an online game, I can’t pause it!”

“I said pause it!”

I don’t know Mom, can you pause a war? Can you pause a conversation taking place right now? Can you pause time?? If that was possible, I’d have paused Choi Minho before he polluted my existence.

Thank God Kibum hyung is a friend of mine. Thank God he’s just doubling over in laughter when my 21^st century self explains to my mother from ice age that this game can’t be paused.

“Mom I can’t!”

“Then leave it!”

“I don’t want to, mom, we’ll lose!” And just like that my mom snatches the phone from me and taps her foot while I am facepalming and Kibum hyung is still laughing. God, please, give me lemons so I squeeze it in his throat so he can’t laugh or talk for weeks.

“Are you telling me now or not?”

Do I have any other choice? You are an Asian mom so I don’t even know why you use a question mark-ish tone when everything is an order.

“Choiminho.” I say with my face still covered and she goes what and Kibum hyung goes wait what?! And then I repeat with my palms away from my face, eyes staring at that random kid across the street laughing for some weird reason. “Choi Minho.”

It’s as if everyone is laughing at me.

“Choi Ilhoon and Hana’s son?” No hyung, that other Choi Minho who lives in Incheon and has never met me, he sent me a file that contained his and I accidentally downloaded it hence I am pregnant.

I swear sometimes Kibum hyung asks such idiotic questions that I feel like he has done PhD in conditional idiocy.

“He’s such a sweet boy.” I hear mom speak and I am already cringing.

Wow. The fight hasn’t even begun and mom has chosen her fighter.

“So you’re approving him as the dad?” Kibum hyung questions with a tone which is borderline wanting to provoke me and earn a slap but I don’t because 1. Mom is here, 2. Hyung will slap back, 3. I want to know the answer too.

She goes quiet though and I notice that I’ve already been killed in my game so I slump my head back, clearly sulking. However when you are Lee Kyungsoon from ice age, you ignore and make sure your son knows that you are ignoring him and continue praising someone he wants to kill even if he was his pubg teammate.

“He is responsible but still young. Oh my God Taemin what have you done…” She sighs.

Why are you sighing??

It’s not like I went to him with an empty bowl and begged him to in it so I impregnate myself??

Why does she sound like I seduced him??

I mean I probably did but I didn’t think my crush would end up so bad.

“Mom I love you.” I inform her because that’s a secret weapon every kid possesses. When I see her getting off, she is still glaring back at me but I see a tiny smile and I am trying to smile back too but Kibum hyung closes the driver’s door in my face.

you hyung.

And you Choi Minho because I am not keeping this baby.

I am only 16, I am supposed to be playing with leggos and whining over banana milk not wailing with my own baby because I don’t know what to do with it.