There was a tiny ink stain on his finger. He held onto the fineliner regardless, kept tapping the back of it against his notebook. The thick layers of paper dulled the sound.

The light in Jongdae's room was much more yellow than the one Chanyeol usually preferred, and his ankles were starting to itch from the way he sat on them, pressing his feet into the carpet.

Chanyeol blinked. He had to focus.

Usually, he had no issues delving into a song with Jongdae, but today, he was distracted.

He had been a fidgety child until school drained him of the energy, but sometimes, the old habits returned even now, a good decade later. He caught himself running a hand through his hair again, undoubtedly greasing it up even more. Following the motion and off-handed thought, he now really regretted skipping the shower this morning, despite sweating so much in his sleep. He was probably gross.  

"Right?" Jongdae asked, and Chanyeol actually flinched.

"Yeah," he said slowly, and under Jongdae's doubtful stare, his voice turned slower, more hesitant. "...yeah?"

Jongdae sighed.

"You're not really with me, are you?" he asked, leaning back on his cushion to leisurely stretch his back muscles.

"Sorry," Chanyeol muttered apologetically. With a benign little shake of his head, Jongdae leaned over the table again, lowering his voice.

"Is it because we're not alone? Sorry about that."

Unconsciously, Chanyeol's eyes flitted to the couch where Jongdae's brother was sitting, eyes downcast as he stared at the tablet in his lap, watching a movie with headphones plugged in.

He showed no sign of hearing them, hadn't acknowledged them ever since Chanyeol had stepped inside the apartment, really, but Jongdae was right. Partly, at least. It was by far the best answer he could give Jongdae, anyway, so he shrugged sheepishly.

"I'm not usually like this, it's probably just a bad day," he muttered evasively, and Jongdae grimaced in sympathy.

"Gotcha. You want to continue this another time?"

"You're busy enough already," Chanyeol dismissed him, readjusting the notebook and pulling the cap off the pen. "Sorry, I'll put in more effort."

The truth was that he wasn't sure he wanted to leave.

The truth was that he wasn't usually bothered by other people. It was just something about Jongdae's brother that... distracted him.

Jongdae's brother, who he hadn't seen in almost ten years. Who was now a voice actor, living with Jongdae for the time being as he was on the lookout for an apartment of his own.

Jongdae's brother, who he remembered being quiet and gloomy, and always dressed in black, while everyone else their age started to care a lot about their appearance.

He was still dressed in black, still had this clunky, simple pair of glasses and still wore his hair unusually short.

For some reason, it looked really good on him now. Everything did.

Kyungsoo hadn't changed much, and yet everything seemed to fit better than before, like he had grown into himself.

Or maybe Chanyeol was the one who had grown, who had learnt to appreciate what he couldn't before, or maybe his standards had changed.

Whatever happened, the outcome was the same, and for the rest of the evening, Chanyeol couldn't help sneaking glances at the other. He didn't know why, it just happened. It felt like a casual and quiet, but persistent distraction. Chanyeol could only hope that he wasn't being rude - after all, being this awkward around his best friends' brother was simply ridiculous. They had all played videogames together as kids, for god’s sake.

 

Yes, he was being somewhat ridiculous, and it became more apparent as the days passed by.

He found himself working even harder on his latest song, despite feeling absolutely exhausted after work. He loved music, loved making music, really, but when work left him feeling burnt out, he was just as easy to call it a day and take it easy when there was no deadline involved. This time he kept working as if there was one. As if he was in a hurry to finish the song quickly, so he could meet up and discuss the final details with Jongdae so he could sing the demo, like usual.

He tried to lie to himself for a bit but eventually, he had to admit that he just wanted to visit Jongdae again before Kyungsoo left. They hadn't even talked or anything, but Chanyeol felt this odd little itch spurring him on to hurry up, in case Kyungsoo had already moved out by the next time he'd see him. Maybe Kyungsoo would even hear the song or comment on it. Maybe he'd like it.

 

The entire realization made Chanyeol feel more than a little pathetic. It was just like him to get excited over a stranger and wanting attention and compliments - because at the end of the day, he had never really known Kyungsoo, who to him, had been hardly more than a backdrop to Jongdae's life.

It was also just like his sad, single self to get excited over an interesting-looking man - even if said man was his best friends' brother. His libido really had no shame.

Chanyeol told himself that it was simply a natural reaction that had no meaning. He would have been interested in any man around his age who didn't look like a potato or act like a complete moron, because he'd been single for way too long already. At least that's what he told himself.

It was nothing but a harmless twinge of interest, anyway, already blown out of proportion by his own thoughts. He just had to calm down and wait it out like any other civilized person.

 

It was this unfortunate mix of overestimation and miscalculation meeting his inborn urge to help people out that led to him sending Jongdae a text one evening.

 

'Hey.

Is Kyungsoo still looking for a place to stay? I just saw that there's an apartment available on my floor now. Just in case he's still searching.'

 

Back then, he had no idea what exactly he'd kicked loose, and he still wasn't fully aware of it when he swiveled in his chair in the breakroom at work, swiping through photos of stacked cartons and apologizing once more for not being able to help with the moving process.

That realization, too, took its sweet time.

Days passed and turned into weeks, which then turned into a month when Chanyeol finally found himself staring at the faintly illuminated ceiling at the break of dawn, realizing that he had a problem.

 

Because he was still thinking about Kyungsoo.

And not just a little.

All the time.

It wouldn't stop.

 

His brain wouldn't stop bringing up Kyungsoo, even though there was really nothing to think about - they hadn't talked after Kyungsoo had curtly thanked him for informing him about the apartment and recommending him to the rental company.

Now Kyungsoo was his literal next door neighbour and they hadn't exchanged a single thing aside from very occasional, brief greetings in the hallway. It was as if they were strangers, which, technically, they were. There was nothing to think about. There was absolutely no reason to perk up whenever he heard steps in the hallway.

 

It was then that it slowly dawned on Chanyeol that he was screwed.
 

---

 

Eight weeks ago, Kyungsoo had moved into the apartment next to Chanyeol's. On the day he’d moved in, Jongdae had invited him to dinner while Chanyeol was still at work. By the time he’d returned, they had already finished up and he thought paying him a visit would be awkward.
In conclusion, Chanyeol hadn’t seen a hair of Kyungsoo ever since he’d moved in.

As expected, he was a quiet neighbour. No matter how quiet Chanyeol himself was and no matter how hard he listened, he could barely hear anything coming from his apartment either. There was a very occasional clanking of pots, and sometimes, he could hear music too faint to identify. He even caught himself keeping his balcony door ajar, hoping to hear something. The only thing he got out of this behaviour was feeling like a creepy stalker.

To add to that, he had also searched up Kyungsoo's name online once or twice. He wasn't exactly a celebrity but there was a pretty comprehensive list of all the roles he had dubbed. Most of them were animated movies aimed at children, but there was the occasional, foreign movie, too. Chanyeol started with those, because it was easier to delude himself into thinking he was watching it for the art.

Turned out that Kyungsoo's voice was just as smooth and beautiful as the few words he heard prior had let on. He very vaguely remembered him having a deep voice as a kid, as well, but now it sounded like warm, liquid chocolate, soothing, but not too sweet. It was hard to imagine that he actually knew the person behind this voice, but then he remembered that he didn't.

While the credits rolled over the screen, Chanyeol pulled the headphones off and leaned back into the couch with a sigh. He wanted to know more about Kyungsoo, but he could hardly ask Jongdae about his brother. His brother.

He shouldn't even be asking himself anything about Kyungsoo.

With a small groan, he got to his feet, stretching his aching back muscles. His entire day at work had been spent sitting, editing pages and pages worth of articles, so sitting down to watch a movie really hadn't been the healthiest idea. He should watch the next movie in the gym, while exercising.

He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and stepped onto his balcony. The air was pleasantly chilly and watching the city slowly transit from day to night was always relaxing. Before Kyungsoo moved in and made him try to be a quiet neighbour, this would be the only times Chanyeol was surrounded by silence. With his apartment being on the eleventh floor, barely any noise from the city down below could reach him. This was usually the time he got thoughtful, and if he was lucky, he'd be struck by inspiration.

Just how his days had suddenly become quiet, however, his balcony visit wasn't silent anymore. A low, soothing melody hang in the air, and for a dumb moment, Chanyeol thought his mind was still stuck in the movie. It was definitely Kyungsoo's voice humming a tune.

A look to the right told him that the other's balcony door was left ajar.

It had already sounded nice in the movie but like this, his voice sounded even warmer and more natural. There was a relaxed, effortless ring to it, and just listening to him sing like this sounded almost too intimate. He felt like he should go back inside, but then decided to stay. This was the most personal view he’d ever gotten on Kyungsoo, which really should make him feel like a stalker, but technically, it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong.

For what felt like forever, he stood on his balcony, staring into the growing sea of lights below, listening to the calm, but purposeful melody, until it faded out.

 

He spent much more time on the balcony after that.

Luckily, the walls weren't see-through anywhere, so he could get away with it if he sat down with his back to the wall - at least he really hoped he could. It did make him feel like a bit of a stalker, but the fact that he never really heard anything he shouldn't made it easier to bear.

Kyungsoo seemed to work irregularly, much unlike Chanyeol, so he didn't have much to go off of, but there were days when Kyungsoo clearly wasn't home until Chanyeol gave up and went to bed, while he didn't seem to leave the house on other days. He usually knew whether Kyungsoo was home or not because it turned out that he hummed to himself quite a lot. Almost constantly, really. Sometimes, there was music accompanying him, other times he didn’t need any. Or maybe he was listening with headphones. It was equal parts beautiful and fascinating, because he couldn’t remember ever having heard him do as much as hum along to a commercial before.
Sitting on the balcony after work to just listen to Kyungsoo hum had become such a natural habit that he was really starting to forget how creepy and strange it was... until one Sunday evening, when Kyungsoo stepped out onto the balcony himself.

Chanyeol froze, but if he stayed quiet now, surely Kyungsoo wouldn't even notice-

A sudden thud resounded, and he flinched, dropping his phone, because of course he would.

The humming stopped.

"Chanyeol?"

With a grimace and a heart pounding with guilt, Chanyeol stared ahead, not daring to get to his feet and meet Kyungsoo's probably disturbed expression.

"Yes?"

He could already hear Kyungsoo's voice form the next, logical question.

Why are you sitting on the balcony floor in the middle of the night like a weirdo?

"Did I disturb you?"

 

What?

"No?" Chanyeol asked rather than stated, and shook his head, trying to get himself together before he ruined things for good. "I was just... relaxing," he said almost desperately, stumbling to his feet with the inborn elegance of a three-legged giraffe. Kyungsoo was standing by the edge of his balcony with nothing but the slightest tick of confusion on his face.

Chanyeol smiled, but he could feel it turning out badly, like it always did when he was nervous. Jongdae said he'd look all stiff and like he was inwardly planning to strangle people.

"I was just enjoying the fresh evening air," he elaborated, subtly dusting off his pants. "You know, after being cooped up in the office all day."

That sounded reasonable enough. Lazy, but reasonable.

The other seemed to agree with him, judging by the vague nod he gave him. Keeping eye contact didn't seem hard for Kyungsoo, but he had also not been the one listening in on his neighbor from his dusty balcony.

"I'll turn it down a bit," he said, concluded, really, and if only his expression wasn't so unreadable, Chanyeol might have been part of the thought process that led to this conclusion.

"No!" he said way too loudly, but at least it made Kyungsoo flinch and stop before he could return to his apartment, shut the balcony door and never talk to him again.

"I mean, no," Chanyeol repeated, a little more quiet, clearing his throat. "That's not necessary. You live here, too, and it's hardly a disturbance to anyone."

Not with a voice like yours, he would have loved to add. But his ears already felt a little too warm, a clear indicator that whatever he would say next would not come across smoothly, so he pressed his lips together and shut up.

 

"Oh," was all Kyungsoo said, his voice somewhat soft and, again, entirely unreadable to Chanyeol. Was he relieved, weirded out, eager to end this useless conversation? He had absolutely no clue.

"Sorry, I don't want to keep you," Chanyeol burst out, straightening his posture and readying himself to flee, shut his door and crawl into bed until his regrets could laugh him to sleep.

"I wasn't doing anything."

Chanyeol's awkward flailing came to a halt at the sudden statement. It seemed neutral and open, and just like Kyungsoo, it wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't leaving, his eyes gradually lowering to rest somewhere on the balcony railing. For two long, agonizing seconds, they both just stood there, and while he wasn't moving a muscle, Chanyeol's brain was frantically working, trying to understand if there was any meaning behind this statement, because technically, there shouldn't be, but now Kyungsoo just stood there, a tick of frustration flashing over his expression, his shoulders drawing up ever so slightly, and oh, he was about to leave-

 

"Your voice sounds really good!"

Too loud again. Probably. Everything sounded loud when it disrupted silence. Chanyeol swallowed and readjusted, anyway.

"Can all voice actors sing?"

He could see it now, how the other relaxed again.

"Many of them," he replied, sounding dismissive. Chanyeol nodded slowly, racking his brain on how to uphold this conversation and still doubting whether Kyungsoo would even want him to.

"It's not a given but it helps," Kyungsoo added, one hand sliding along the balcony railing so his body could turn away and towards the city. "Even if you don't have to sing, ever."

Alright, he wasn't about to leave any second anymore. The realization made Chanyeol calm down just enough to allow the next, nerve-wrecking sensation to take center stage - Kyungsoo was talking to him. He hadn't talked to him in years, couldn't remember whether he had ever really talked to him.

"I see," he trailed off, facing the city below as well. "Did you ever have to sing for a role?"

"Only once," came the quick reply. "It was fun."

He sounded curt, but there was a hint of fondness dusting the syllables. It did funny things to Chanyeol.

"I can imagine," he trailed off helplessly, looking for an appropriate follow up.

"Don't you sing as well?" Kyungsoo asked, sounding like he was patiently stringing Chanyeol along. He really had to get himself together.

"Somewhat? Not as good as Jongdae or you, by far not," he waved him off, inwardly cringing over having mentioned Jongdae because it seemed somewhat wrong. "I don't really practice as diligently, either. I'm more on the composition end of things at the moment."

"I see."

It returned again, the sudden, lingering silence. Chanyeol prided himself on being chatty and friendly with most people but talking to Kyungsoo would already be hard if he wasn't threatening to choke on his heart every time he opened his mouth.

"I'm used to practicing whenever. I could go to the studio but there's no guarantee it'll be free," Kyungsoo said. Unlike Chanyeol, he never trailed off or tacked on any indicator of where he was going with his statements. He just said things and then he was done, seemingly uncaring of the reaction he'd get.

"What kind of practice do you do, aside from singing?" Chanyeol asked, fingers clenching around the railing to have an outlet for his nerves.

"There's many exercises. Most of them are rather loud though, so I can't do them at home."

"Like screaming and shouting?" Chanyeol asked, a weak attempt at lightening the mood.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kyungsoo shrug.

"Maybe. That's a rough strain though. It's just lots of warming up or going through your script out loud."

"You lived with other voice actors before, right? So you practiced at home then?"

Chanyeol asking questions and Kyungsoo answering them seemed like a safe, comfortable tactic.

"There was only one other voice actor. I used to go to the industrial park to practice since it was nearby."

Chanyeol hummed knowingly. The old, abandoned factories were sometimes euphemistically called an industrial park. It made him think of something though.

"I know a nice park, actually," he began. "Have you ever been on the subway line 41?"

"The one going to the northern train station?" Kyungsoo asked with mild interest, and Chanyeol nodded.

"If you keep going until the second to last station, there's a pretty big park, too. There's a playground at the entrance but in the far back, there's usually nobody at all, especially around noon. It's not an exciting place to be in. I think their original plans were scrapped and now it’s mostly grass and a few trees. Doesn’t really keep up with the national park which is kind of around the corner, so maybe that's why. But you'd be alone at least. I sometimes go there if I have to think."

"If your balcony isn't doing it," Kyungsoo stated, and alright, Chanyeol was back to being embarrassed within a split second. He knew Chanyeol had just been listening to him. Didn't he? Did he?

"I'm just joking," Kyungsoo added, blank as ever. "I'll try going there."

Chanyeol chuckled weakly.

"I hope it works out for you."

"Thanks. I should be going now."

Chanyeol wasn't sure whether he was disappointed or relieved, and whether there was a state perfectly balanced in between those emotions. Either way, his smile ended up smaller, but more balanced.

"Sure. Uhm. Good night?"

Kyungsoo's expression was still rather blank, but Chanyeol swore it softened just a little bit.

"Yeah. Good night."

 

With that, he was gone. All alone, he stood there, breathlessly chuckling to himself.
As if he’d actually manage to fall asleep any time soon.

 

---

 

Jongdae was doing spontaneous adlibs again. Chanyeol scribbled small symbols onto his sheet to mark the spots.There was no such thing as cheating when it came to these things - Jongdae was a fantastic singer with a strong, controlled voice that allowed him to play with a song and enhance it, make it sound more natural, comfortable, or enticing. Chanyeol had always made it clear to everyone that they were a team, and while he initially composed songs on his own, Jongdae added a significant part to the polishing - and he usually did so like it was nothing.

"You know," Chanyeol began when Jongdae left the rented studio booth with an easy smile, "they're not gonna find anyone able to sing this song like you do. It's almost a waste to give it away."

Jongdae only rolled his eyes with a benign smile, opening a bottle of water.

" If anyone's gonna buy it. Also, you're flattering me. Every company has amazing singers who will do this song justice. You're just biased cause you heard me sing it first."

"You tell yourself that," Chanyeol quipped, because they both knew they were capable of actually arguing about this, but he decided to cut Jongdae some slack after recording multiple demos for two hours straight.

Jongdae stretched like a cat and let out a yawn.

"Alright. I'll leave first, if that's okay?"

"Sure. It's late, after all. I'll wrap up in a bit, too. Thanks as always."

Jongdae hummed and grabbed his jacket. It really was late, and while they could very well rent the studio late into the night, they both had day jobs to attend and all too soon, the insomniac artists of the company would arrive. Chanyeol liked to pack up by then, to leave them to it.

 

"Oh, right. Chanyeol?"

He hummed, eyes still glued to the screen until a book blocked his vision.

"Can you return this to Kyungsoo?"

Chanyeol's heart skipped a beat, and in the process, poked itself on a thorn of guilt.

"Uhm. Sure. A book, huh?" he asked mindlessly, looking at the turquoise cover with the title written in golden, irregular letters.

"Yeap. It's the source material of the American series that's coming out soon - the one where he speaking the lead role."

Oh. That sounded exciting.

With new-found interest, Chanyeol turned the book around to read the text on the back. When a palm landed on his shoulder, he flinched.

"I'm sure you can read it, too, if you want. Kyungsoo isn't much of a reading kind of guy, anyway, and recordings are over by now, so I doubt he's gonna miss this book."

"I'll ask him," Chanyeol said evasively. He wasn't much of a reading person either - not because he had anything against books, but usually, he lacked the time and patience. This book, however, had suddenly gotten very interesting.

So interesting that he forgot to feel bad about potentially using this opportunity given by Jongdae to talk to Kyungsoo again.

 

That night, Chanyeol returned too late to still show up at Kyungsoo's doorstep, and he wasn't on his balcony either.
The next day, he rang the doorbell right after work, with his rumpled dress shirt and his hair being in a fragile state of tamed disarray, but Kyungsoo didn't answer. He probably wasn't home. Or maybe he didn't feel like opening the door if he wasn’t expecting anyone.

The mere idea of coming across as too eager and impatient was scaring him greatly so he didn't try again the next day, despite itching to. Chanyeol had always been a little too intrusive, a little too close, a little too much. He wanted to learn from past mistakes, despite his nature yelling at him to fall back into it.

It was two days later when he sat on his balcony on an early Tuesday evening, just around dawn, enjoying the breeze and staring at the book in his lap. He had meant to ask permission before reading it, but showing up at Kyungsoo's doorstep to then ask if he could keep the book seemed ridiculous - and so did mentioning it off-handedly.
'Hey, by the way, your brother gave me your book but I decided to read it first.'
...no, that really did sound bad.

Chanyeol wondered why even the most basic social interaction was so tricky and difficult when it came to Kyungsoo.

It was probably him making it difficult.

Most likely him, yes.

The back of the book didn't say much, just mentioned a narrator introducing his brother and saying he'd die soon. Was it about terminal illness? He really hoped it wasn't because that was not the type of story Chanyeol enjoyed.

"No work today?"

Instinctively, Chanyeol pulled his feet closer, but obviously, Kyungsoo had seen him already.

"Ah, no," he muttered, getting to his feet, careful to hold the book low to keep it from Kyungsoo's view.

"I get random off days, depending on how much I'm needed."

Kyungsoo nodded, the smallest 'ah' on his lips. He was wearing a loosely-knitted, cream-colored sweater today, and even the slightest diversion from the usual black seemed to be enough to impress Chanyeol. It suited him, the gentle color, accentuating how his features could very well be interpreted laid back and soft instead of cool and slightly scary. His slightly wet hair and flushed cheeks added to the impression. The distance between their two balconies was small and if Chanyeol reached out, he'd probably be able to run his fingers over the soft-looking wool - not like he would. Ever.

Now was as good a time as any though, so he lifted the book, trying not to look too sheepish and guilty.

"Actually, Jongdae told me to return this to you."

Kyungsoo stared, looking confused. Then he blinked, and forced his expression to relax.

"I'm not wearing my lenses, sorry. Which book is it?"

Oh. Right. He turned the book around so he could see the front cover.

"The source material to one of your roles? At least that's what he told me."

Subtle understanding bloomed on Kyungsoo's face, followed by slightly raised brows.

"And you've been carrying it around ever since?"

Chanyeol was definitely cursing his warm ears for sticking out the way they did. The only part of him that blushed, and yet they seemed determined to rat Chanyeol out every single time. As if he himself wasn't doing a fine job already.

"No! I just- I was looking at it. Just now. Just reading the back and stuff. It's pretty," he stammered, every fragment of a sentence painting a less comprehensive picture like bangs being gradually cut too short.

Kyungsoo nodded, despite looking almost worried for Chanyeol.

"It is..." he said slowly, and this time, he was trailing off, silently asking Chanyeol to fill the gaps, to tell him what he was actually meaning to say.

"Can I read it?" he burst out before this could get any more awkward. Kyungsoo relaxed immediately, though he did seem mildly surprised.

"Oh. Sure."

"Thanks! Was it fun to record this series?"

It was definitely a thing he did, just keeping the ball rolling to play over his own embarrassment and awkward behaviour.Kyungsoo went along with it, less out of obligation and more because the question sparked genuine interest in him.

"It was. I didn’t recognize it straight away because I used a different version to work with - my script, too - but I read it. It's actually about schizophrenia, the book," he explained, and Chanyeol couldn't help but notice his perfectly structured sentences jitter ever so slightly under his excitement. "The story is told through the main character's eyes, who developed schizophrenia-"

He cut himself off, hesitating.

"I mean, I guess saying that much isn't a spoiler," he eventually shrugged. "Either way, preparing for this was a real challenge."

"Did you research on the disease?" Chanyeol asked, just sprinkling in small questions because Kyungsoo seemed more eager to talk than ever. The other promptly shook his head.

"None at all. It's because I wanted it to feel personal and in tune with the book that I only analyzed what I found in there. Reading up on it would make me try to portray it in a correct way as opposed to the individual, intimate perspective the book is going for."

He caught a glimpse of Chanyeol just smiling at him, and it prompted him to stop, which, in turn, made Chanyeol bite his lips.

"Sorry. It was just interesting. Keep going?"

Kyungsoo stared at him, looking almost wary, like he was expecting Chanyeol to , or to admit to being bored.

When none of that happened, he seemed to make a decision.

"Have you eaten already?"

"What?"

Kyungsoo leaned back a bit, but his hands were still lingering on the railing.

"Whether you've eaten already. I was about to make dinner, and I wanted to thank you for pointing out the park to me. It's a good place to practice in. Do you want to come over?"

What a terrible idea.

"Yes! Of course, I mean sure," Chanyeol blurted out, already feeling his hands getting sweaty at the mere prospect.

Kyungsoo backed away from the railing with a small exhale.

"Okay. I have barely started, so it will take a bit longer-"

"That's okay," Chanyeol cut him off. "I can help if you want. If I'm useful. I'm not that great of a chef, to be honest..."

It wasn't the first time he had seen Kyungsoo smile, it definitely wasn't, but it was the first time he could remember, the first time it had been directed at him, and the first time it really edged itself into his mind. Just wide enough to display a subtle heart shape of his lips, just small enough to add a playful vibe to it.

"Everyone can peel potatoes," he joked, and Chanyeol internally bemoaned that this would be the sentence he'd remember for years to come.

 

---

 

Somehow, Chanyeol managed to keep the ball rolling. It was most certainly not due to his flirting skills because there was no way he'd dare even trying to flirt with Kyungsoo.

Flirt. With Kyungsoo. Just about any word in that sentence had the right to be italicized because it seemed like an outlandish concept.

No, Chanyeol had simply been nice, had tried not to run his mouth too much and let Kyungsoo talk, and in a moment of quick thinking brought on by sheer desperation, he commented on how Kyungsoo's homemade dinner was way too much to repay that little recommendation of his; how he should be cooking for Kyungsoo next, despite not being all that capable in the kitchen.

Kyungsoo seemed to just go along with it, not showing any signs of annoyance, and a few days later, he was standing in Chanyeol's kitchen, chopping vegetables with him. It was entirely surreal and Chanyeol was constantly on edge, making sure he looked presentable and even diligently reading the book in case he ran out of things to talk about. It was amazing how easy everything seemed. Kyungsoo wasn't naturally outgoing or talkative, and yet he showed up on his doorstep instead of ignoring the invitation or avoiding him. At first Chanyeol thought the other was simply bored or maybe even lonely, but a few shared dinners later, he found out that Kyungsoo had plenty of friends among the industry (even though they all seemed to be way older than him). He also found out that Kyungsoo might be of a reserved, but ultimately gentle nature, so maybe he just didn't mind indulging him.

 

Deep down, however, Chanyeol knew that what he was doing wasn't doing any good for anyone. It may just be indulgent behaviour to Kyungsoo but in the end, Chanyeol would hurt them both. At the very least he'd hurt himself, was already doing it, really, because while he couldn't ignore the itch to get closer to Kyungsoo, neither could he sate it. Ever. Being around Kyungsoo was great, but the fluttering wouldn't stop, always bugging him, tugging and pushing and pulling, wanting more.

Well, Chanyeol thought as he angrily stared at the wall at night, tough luck for the stupid feeling, because there wouldn't be any more. Kyungsoo hadn't shown signs of being even remotely interested in men (though to be fair, he didn't seem interested in anyone at all), and that aside, he was still Jongdae's brother. It was easy to cast that thought aside... until he talked to Jongdae and the guilt came creeping back to eat away at his ugly self. He hadn't even mentioned meeting up with Kyungsoo yet, which was already a testimony of how none of this was the harmless, innocent companionship it should be. At least not to Chanyeol.

Of course, Jongdae had to find out sooner or later.

It took him an entirety of three months, but one day, he called Kyungsoo while Chanyeol was over at his place, assisting him in preparing a soup. Unlike Chanyeol, Kyungsoo had no reason to hide him being there, and while Jongdae did shrug it off, he brought it up a few days later, at the studio.

"I didn't know you hung out with Kyungsoo?"
The question came out of nowhere, an Chanyeol froze.

. He had somewhat expected it, but that didn't mean he was prepared.

"Uhm. Sometimes, yeah," he said evasively, pretending to read his notes. "Is that weird or anything?"

"I guess not?" Jongdae replied behind him, and yes, he did definitely find it weird, Chanyeol could hear it. Of course he did - if he'd suddenly find Jongdae hanging out with his sister, that would be the weirdest feeling, as well. Where Chanyeol would have immediately suspected attraction, however, Jongdae's thought process seemed to go down a different road.

"You instantly replaced me, huh? I mean, I guess Kyungsoo wouldn't bother giving you a hard time, like, ever."

He made it sound like a joke, and he did an admittedly fantastic job, but they had known each other for all of their childhood, so Chanyeol didn't even hesitate before he turned around with a genuinely horrified expression.

"What? Are you crazy?"

"I was just joking," Jongdae replied, rolled his eyes and gave his shoulder a half-hearted nudge, but Chanyeol's feet were firmly rooted to the ground, preventing the chair from rotating. He wasn't having any of it.

"Like I'd actually replace you, Jongdae, please. You know you're my best friend."

"God, you can be so disgusting," Jongdae complained, attempting to nuge the chair again, and when that didn't work, he quickly jabbed him into the side, causing Chanyeol to jolt violently.

"Ow! You prick," Chanyeol whined, but he didn't play along because this was important. "You started this by talking nonsense! What, you think you're kinda second best to him? Like there's a ranking or something?"

"Oh god, fine, you win, just shut up," Jongdae gave in, throwing his hands up.

"I usually do, let’s face it" Chanyeol sighed dramatically, leading to Jongdae listing all the occasions where Chanyeol had lost miserably, and everything was well.

For Jongdae, at least. Jongdae was smiling, and Chanyeol felt all the guiltier for it.

Sure, he'd never replace Jongdae with Kyungsoo, but that didn't make his intentions any better - or the fact that he was keeping them from him.

Jongdae was one of the very few people who knew about his preferences, and the fact that he didn't even consider Chanyeol to have those thoughts about his brother made everything worse.

 

That evening, Chanyeol texted Kyungsoo that he was too busy to meet up and then, a few days later, he actually got too busy to meet up, with a company requesting four songs of his to be tweaked by a certain deadline.

It was stressful, yes, but in a somewhat sick way, Chanyeol embraced being too busy to breathe. It meant that he didn't have to think about how to avoid Kyungsoo, and didn't have to feel guilty towards either Jongdae or Kyungsoo.

He had just a little less than one day to finish his songs when he vaguely heard a knocking on the door. Thinking he must have imagined it, he dubiously stared towards the door with one headphone lifted until the knocking returned. He hadn’t ordered something, had he?

The headphones ended up on his desk and Chanyeol trudged to the door, opening it to see Kyungsoo standing there with a plastic bag in his hand, patiently looking up at him.

"Hi. It's my turn to cook," he said simply. "Since you're busy, I'll just do it alone today."

Chanyeol was staring there, in his wrinkled, striped pajamas with his hair being a wild mess and his face and eyes probably looking puffy from staring at the screen all day... and his first instinct was to slam the door in his face.

He only barely stopped himself.

"Uhm. You sure? I really have to work," he asked instead, one hand already trying to fix his hair. Kyungsoo's eyes flitted down, and Chanyeol wanted to curl in on himself, but then he only lightly lifted the plastic bag.

"I can do it on my own just fine," he said simply. Chanyeol really had no choice but to let him in.

That evening, he sat at his desk with his headphones on, and after a while, he managed to stop thinking about Kyungsoo moving around his kitchen like it was second nature to him by now. He didn't even ask Chanyeol to sit with him, just placed a bowl of delicious, spicy stew on the table. Chanyeol had meant to put his work aside but one little change turned into a much bigger one and before he knew it, he had eaten alone while Kyungsoo was sitting on his couch, watching something on his tablet with his own headphones plugged in. Since he was sitting with the back to him, he couldn't notice Chanyeol throwing glances at him, lingering on his shoulders and back, the curve of his neck and the way he was leaning his head on the headrest. The way he was sitting there like it was just natural, like he belonged there.

It was bizarre, but Kyungsoo made bizarre situations look like the norm.

He made stopping by his apartment to cook food for him and even clean the dishes before lounging on his couch look like a normal thing to do.

For the longest time, Chanyeol just uselessly sat there as his eyes kept lingering on Kyungsoo, as his heart kept twinging and refusing to stop.

It just wouldn't stop, and the more he willed it down, the more it ached in his throat.

It ached so much that for a very brief moment, Chanyeol somewhat resented Kyungsoo for being like this. For being so nonchalant about this, for making it look like any of this was a given, and for making it so easy to hold on to him.

The moment passed as fast as it had come, washed away by a fresh wave of guilt.

After all, it wasn't Kyungsoo who was in the wrong here, but him.

 

---

 

"You know..."

"Hm?" Jongdae asked around a mouthful of noodles.

Chanyeol fished for a piece of broccoli, halfheartedly poking around his food.

He had to tell him. He really should. This was like that time back then, when he'd come out to Jongdae. He'd been nervous, sure, but the guilt over not telling him sooner was what had really made it hard. After all, Jongdae had always been there for him, and yet Chanyeol had doubted him enough to keep the secret for so long.

This was that situation all over again and Chanyeol wished it would have gotten easier the second time. But when he opened his mouth, inhaled and chose a sentence that would start off the conversation... it just wouldn't come out.
It wouldn't, he couldn't say it.

It's about Kyungsoo.

I think I got a thing for him.

I'm in love with your brother.

"Chanyeol? Earth to Chanyeol?" Jongdae asked, half-jokingly, but when Chanyeol only reacted with a forced grin of his own, his expression sank into one of genuine worry.

"What is it?" he asked, slowly lowering his chopsticks.

"I just," Chanyeol began anew, eyes wandering between his food and the table, the shiny chopsticks in Jongdae's hand and the perspiration on his water glass-

"I ed up," he blurted out. Jongdae looked taken aback.

"Oh? What happened?"

Oh god, I can't, how am I supposed to say this, you don't tell someone that you like his brother, that's gross-

"Never mind," Chanyeol muttered, shaking his head.

Jongdae made an indignant noise.

"Huh? Come on now, don't leave me hanging!"

Chanyeol could only lightly shake his head again. He didn't dare look up or open his mouth, in case he'd start tearing up like an idiot.

"Chanyeol, please. Have I ever judged you? What happened?"

The more serious Jongdae got, the less Chanyeol dared to look up.

"Nothing," he whispered.

"Is it about a guy? Did you meet someone?" Jongdae finally asked. Jongdae never brought up his uality, and Chanyeol knew that his way of making him feel comfortable, but somehow, it had only led to them not talking about it ever, which had been fine when there was nothing to talk about. The fact that he brought it up now, figuring that this was the only topic Chanyeol had ever had genuine qualms to talk about freely only made him feel worse.

He stared at his food while Jongdae stared at him, he could feel it. For a few, tense seconds, they both waited for the other to give up.

In the end, Jongdae was too nice to make it hard for him though.

"You're not in, I don't know, legal trouble, are you? Messed with the wrong people or anything? Killed a guy?"

Chanyeol shook his head once more, and Jongdae sighed.

"Alright then. Fine. You’re really worrying me though, not gonna lie," he stated lightly, grabbed his chopsticks and plucked a piece of meat off Chanyeol's plate.

"Tell me next time, okay? No more excuses then."

"Okay," Chanyeol mumbled, and only at the third, stolen piece of food did he intervene, sparking the conversation between them again.

Yes, Chanyeol told himself.
Next time.
No more excuses.
He had to sort this out by then.

 

That evening, he was over at Kyungsoo's place, chopping ingredients for a seafood japchae the other had seen online and wanted to try.

Kyungsoo seemed calm and focused as ever as he skimmed the recipe once more, gathering seasonings. Chanyeol debated with himself on how to bring up that they probably shouldn't meet this often anymore.
He could of course try to pen the reason on Jongdae, say that it would make him uncomfortable, but that wouldn't be entirely fair. Also, Kyungsoo wasn't an idiot. No, he should put his cards on the table and tell him the truth - that he was gay, and that he had a hard time hanging out with him this frequently without getting attached.
He probably wouldn't even have to launch into a frantic explanation on how he wasn't just desperate or how he'd certainly not feel like that about just anybody. There would be no need for any of that. Surely, Kyungsoo would simply nod, tell him how it was alright and then quietly disappear from his life without ever letting on what he really thought about any of this. It would be humiliating, but easy, like ripping off a band aid.

It was also a terrifying thought.

 

And because Chanyeol was a terrible, terrible coward, he still hadn't said a word when they were doing the dishes two hours later.

"You're quiet today," Kyungsoo commented, handing him a plate.

"Sorry. It was just a long day," Chanyeol lied, and Kyungsoo hummed noncommittally.

"For me, too," he said casually, fishing around the sink for a glass. "I've recorded all day and only got home just before you came."

"Oh. You want me to leave so you can get some rest?" Chanyeol asked immediately, hating himself just a little bit for being so inconsequential towards his own heart.

Kyungsoo only shook his head with a small hum.

Then, after a beat of silence, he added, "a co-worker asked me out today."

Chanyeol's hands froze with the damp towel around the plate. He couldn't help it, it just happened.

"Really? That's- great," he stated awkwardly, placing the plate back into the respective cupboard a little too loudly. "Isn't it?"

He couldn't look Kyungsoo in the eye and only took the offered glass.

"I don't really know her," he heard Kyungsoo shrug, and of course it was a her. Of course.

It... should have been obvious. Probably.

Chanyeol's brain was full of thoughts and yet strangely empty.

"Well, maybe you should give her a chance, then," he heard himself say, because this was the perfect opportunity. The perfect opportunity to rip off the bandaid, to get it over and done with. "Maybe she's nice. No harm in trying, right?"

Out of the corner of his vision, he saw Kyungsoo looking up at him, attentive and unreadable as ever, before his gaze flitted back down to the plate in his hands.

"If you say so-"

"I gotta go, sorry," Chanyeol cut him off, squeezing the words through his clogged up throat. He placed down the glass and the rag, turned around and fled the apartment without looking back. Not that he would have been able to interpret Kyungsoo's subtle expression through his blurry vision, anyway.

 

He really was stupid. An absolutely irredeemable idiot, like Jongdae sometimes liked to say.

That evening, he lay curled up under his blankets, staring through his window and into the cloudy night sky, feeling like the biggest loser on earth. First he created this huge unnecessary drama that was really just inside his head and then, when fate played into his hands to offer him an easy way out, he started crying like a baby, anyway.

So useless.

Well, at least his problems were solved now.

Kyungsoo would probably grow tired of him soon enough, so he just had to suffer a little more until he could get over it in peace and he’d never have to mention his stupid crush toJongdae in the first place.

He ignored the small voice in the back of his head telling him that the ‘getting over it’ part of his plan might be a long and painful progress.

For the time being, he was sick and tired of himself and wanted nothing but a bit of silence to recover.

 

The next day, he went to work as usual, still keen on ignoring himself (he really was an idiot, Jongdae was right). Jongdae didn't message him, and neither did Kyungsoo, which helped a lot. After clocking out, he already knew how to spend the rest of the day - he didn't feel like being home and staring at the wall separating his and Kyungsoo's apartment - not to mention that Kyungsoo might actually ring his doorbell to ask about that stunt he pulled the day before, and then what?

No, Chanyeol was going to take his notebook and phone, to take a trip to the park and maybe think of some new songs and concepts. The sun was about to set, and the park was usually deserted around this time on a weekday. It was the perfect time to leisurely stroll down the winding paths, breathing in the faint scent of rain clinging to everything. He could only hope that the rain would wait a longer, since he quite liked his notebook.

 

He made it to the farthest corner of the park when the first raindrops hit his face.

Chanyeol sighed. He really shouldn't have hoped for the best. With his notebook held under his jacket, he speed-walked to the entrance of the park, but the rain was faster, coming down in increasingly heavy drops. He'd be dripping wet by the time he got to the subway station and home.

Rounding a corner revealed the playground. Seeking shelter might be a good idea.

There was a large, colorful climbing frame with wooden houses a few feet above ground - he might not even have to duck his head to fit below there.

He stumbled across the sand and yes, he did fit-

It was then that his eyes met Kyungsoo's, who had been standing obscured from his view, also obviously seeking shelter from the rain.

Chanyeol wanted to turn on his heels and face the rain instead, but it was too late.

How could anyone possibly have luck this bad?

"Hi."

Kyungsoo's voice was quiet, barely audible over the rain, really, and Chanyeol gave up.

"Hi," he responded weakly, leaning against a wooden beam.

For a minute or so, nobody said a word as they stared into the rain pitter-pattering down around them, bouncing off the metal structures and soaking the wood.

"The park really is empty around this time," Kyungsoo said eventually. Chanyeol hummed.

Silence wasn't unusual between them, but right now, Chanyeol just felt a little sad. Like he had broken a spell that couldn't be restored again.

"Did you end up meeting the girl?" he eventually asked because quite evidently, he hated himself.

"It's only been a day," Kyungsoo responded off-handedly. When Chanyeol didn't have a fun response ready, he added, "But no, I don't think I will."

He sounded calm, almost serene in a way that no role had ever asked of him.

After a short pause, he turned to Chanyeol. When he didn't immediately meet his eyes, he felt a light palm rest on his upper arm.

Begrudgingly, Chanyeol turned to face him, expecting a lecture on his childish behaviour. What Kyungsoo did instead was allowing his hand to slip around his side and up his back - a touch way more intimate than anything they'd ever shared - and then he was pushing, gently but decisively, but he had to stretch up a little, anyway-

"No, wait-" Chanyeol spluttered, pulling free and even taking a step away from Kyungsoo, who shot him a look that was hard to decipher.

"You don't want to?" he asked slowly, and now there was a small but noticeable crack in his reassured demeanor.

"Of course I do," Chanyeol burst out, instinctively smothering Kyungsoo's doubt, the words tumbling out before he could think things through.

"But, I mean. We shouldn't. Right?"

Kyungsoo seemed confused.

"Why not?"

"What about Jongdae?"

The confusion only grew and was joined by a tick of insecurity which wasn't reflected in his nonchalant voice.

"What about him? You like him?"

Chanyeol choked on nothing.

"No-"

"He likes you?"

"God, no-"

"Then I don't see the problem," Kyungsoo concluded, as if it was that easy.

Chanyeol could only shake his head in disbelief.

"But..." he trailed off, and now Kyungsoo was crossing his arms, looking a little unhappy.

"You don't need to look for an excuse. You can just tell me straight up."

"No, that's not it," Chanyeol stammered desperately, taking half a step towards him as if he feared the other would leave any moment - as if it hadn't been Chanyeol who'd been flighty and unsure all along.

"I didn't even know you liked- men," he said, partly because he was simply baffled and partly to stall time, to drag out this moment before everything would inevitably come to an end.

Kyungsoo only shrugged.

"Now you do."

"Why are you always acting like this," Chanyeol whined, and now Kyungsoo was tensing up a little.

"Like what?"

"Like everything is really simple," he burst out, more desperate than accusing. "Like, you're always put together and confident and I'm just bumbling and stumbling and behaving like a complete idiot when-"

"I'm not put together though. What makes you think that?" Kyungsoo cut him off calmly, but looking a little puzzled nonetheless.

"Why shouldn't I be thinking that?" Chanyeol asked back, giving him a quick once over. "You're even put together right now while I am obviously freaking out-"

"I'm terrified right now, I can assure you that," Kyungsoo stated as if he was informing him of the weather.

Chanyeol blinked.

"Huh?"

Kyungsoo shifted, grabbing his own arms a little tighter.

"I just made an advance on a person who has been utterly patient and spent a lot of time with someone as socially inept as me - a person who's also my brother's best friend and has probably just been nice out of pure obligation, which I misinterpreted horribly. What do you think I feel right now?"

Chanyeol's shoulders sank a little as his brain went from fight or flight to actually thinking.

"...oh," was all he came up with, and now Kyungsoo's posture relaxed as well.

"Yeah. Oh," he echoed, eyes flitting to the ground.

 

It was silent while Chanyeol tried to stuff the different perspective into his already cluttered mind, but it was simply hard to believe.

All this time, Kyungsoo had been nervous, too?
He’d need much more time to even try to imagine that.

"But what about Jongdae?" he asked eventually.

The other sighed a little in exasperation.

"What about him? Are you seeing him anywhere?"

"No, but-"

This time, Kyungsoo was the one not having it and he pulled Chanyeol down into a clumsy kiss, pressing his lips on Chanyeol's with firm decision. It was over too fast for Chanyeol to freak out, and then he was back to looking into imploring, dark eyes.

"Then let's forget about him for a moment. I don't wanna think about him right now," Kyungsoo murmured. "Besides, did he hurt you in the past for you to trust him so little?"

Chanyeol had a hard time breathing, so his answer came out unintentionally throaty.

"No?"

"There you go," Kyungsoo hummed, and his voice was low and velvety as ever, but the grip on his shirt was hard. Almost too hard to feel the lightest tremble running through his fingers.

Chanyeol braved running a hand down his arm, feeling the hidden tension give way just a little.

"You really do make it sound easy," he breathed out, and Kyungsoo’s lips twitched into a barely there smile.

"It's the only easy aspect about any of this," he countered, and Chanyeol hummed, carefully placing his other hand around his waist.

"I can think of another one."

Kyungsoo looked mildly questioning, but whatever he'd been expecting, a kiss was apparently not it.

It really was easier with Chanyeol ducking his head a little, even easier when Kyungsoo was leaning against the wood, relaxing with every careful, slow brush of their lips.

Chanyeol was gradually relaxing, as well, and he was pretty sure that this was not the only easy part about being with Kyungsoo.

He could think of plenty more. Like having him around, or holding him, or falling asleep to his voice.

There were definitely enough to last him through any occurring difficulties, that much he was sure of.