the world has been giving her mixed signals lately.

chaewon slides down against the wall of the practice room, breaths heavy and tired. her phone is clutched tightly in her hands, and if she closes her eyes she thinks she can still see the copious pages she has visited over the week. does distance make the heart grow fonder? yes, apparently. why do LDR relationships fail? because distance is also hard. can one fall deeper in the absence of frequent meetings? hell yeah, there are lots of stories about that. can one fall out of love from the lack of interactions? oh, absolutely. flowers die after going a certain period without water; feelings are just the same.

chaewon heaves out a soundless groan.

it's been hard, nowadays, to keep tabs of the other members. (part of her reminds herself that 'members' might have a new meaning soon enough, might start referring to a whole set of different people than she's used to soon enough—but she shoves the thought down for now with a slight twinge in her heart.) her phone beeps now and then, kind questions asking about how she's doing and sometimes a whiny invitation to come to my show already, courtesy of yena, and chaewon wishes she could say that she replies to every single one but—

but.

hyewon: yah, did u know there's a delicious beef tartare place near ur agency? wtf ssamu i thought we mean more than just strangers why didn't u tell ur unnie

chaewon inhales deeply, exiting the chat without replying—as she does way too often now, because it will usually end up with an invitation to go together, eat together, hang out together, which she will have to say no to every single time. she feels a tad more horrible with every rejection even though the members’ next reply will be a joke or a reassurance, and at some point that ugly feeling is too ing big to fit inside chaewon’s chest that she doesn't want to add to it anymore.

she closes her eyes, leaning her back against the wall. a small voice inside her head says, that excuse doesn't work with hitoma, though, does it?

because hitomi is oceans away and she doesn’t really invite chaewon on things. chaewon knows hitomi occasionally does a group call with the other 01z (yuri told her in one of the few joyuriz meet-ups) but hitomi doesn’t really ask her that. their interactions have been through messages, and the rare Instagram stuffs. it’s way less than what they used to have (way ing less than what chaewon meant when she promised to keep in touch with the younger girl), but hitomi doesn’t push. maybe she knows chaewon refuses most things anyway.

maybe she’s fine with this distance anyway.

(“first lesson,” eunbi told her over a boiling pot of ramyeon, “don’t assume things. you will end up being hurt.”

chaewon just continued chopping the spring onions eunbi had ed towards her. eunbi stirred the noodles, humming to herself. it’s not of a song chaewon had heard before; she wondered if it was just a random one, or if it was a tune eunbi had crafted into another song with the group in mind..

and then eunbi added, “you’re my dongsaeng first.” chaewon glanced at her, but eunbi didn’t look away from the pot. “of course i care about you. i didn’t ask how you’re doing because you would usually come to me by yourself, when you’re ready.”

chaewon swallowed. “i know.”

eunbi released a breath. “…i’m sorry for making you think you couldn’t come to me.”

“i know,” chaewon exhaled, voice soft. she felt too open, too fast, like water being boiled away from the pot. but eunbi was genuine—always so genuine—and maybe chaewon missed getting to be open with her a little bit. after all, she was her dongsaeng first.

“i’m sorry for acting up, too.”

eunbi turned the stove off, and set aside the chopsticks. chaewon put the knife away and let eunbi’s familiar arms pull her into a hug.

“you barely acted up,” eunbi said, voice light. “you just scared yujin a bit with all the brooding and criminally sad songs. her words.”

chaewon snorted, and gingerly hugged eunbi back.)

don’t assume things, eunbi’s voice repeats in her ears. her fingers fidget with the phone inside her hold. she presses a button, watches as the screen come to life. her gaze flicks towards the clock on display; it’s barely ten p.m.

maybe she’s fine with the distance, a voice of her own says inside her head. but then—but then chaewon isn’t fine with it, is she? if the gnawing weight at the bottom of her stomach is any indication, if the involuntary clench of her heart every time she as much as glimpses hitomi in their group chat is any indication, she isn’t fine with it, right?

so wouldn’t that be a good enough reason?

chaewon: [a peeking sticker]

chaewon: hitoma?

the moment she hits send she thinks to herself: this is a mistake. it’s probably a mistake. this is going to be the biggest mistake she’s done this week that even yena would probably shake her head if chaewon ever tells her any of this —

hitomi: chaewon-unnie!!

hitomi: (o^^o) (o^^o) (o^^o)

chaewon barely manages to not drop her phone.

don’t assume things, eunbi’s voice repeats again but hitomi is always like this. she always responds to chaewon cheerily, messages sprinkled with cute kaomojis, and this doesn’t mean that hitomi totally doesn’t hate her or doesn’t somewhat resent her for being so unreachable. she takes a steadying breath, reminds herself that hitomi is probably going to sleep since it’s already this late (for hitomi’s standard). she’s probably being a nuisance.

chaewon: [waving sticker]

chaewon: i’m so sorry for sending you a msg this late btw

chaewon: if you’re going to sleep i absolutely totally understand

chaewon: i just wanted to say hi :)

that is a lie.

chaewon wants to say so much more than a hi. she’s bursting with it even though she doesn’t have a clue on how to even begin, but it’s late and she can’t read hitomi’s heart from oceans away and she doesn’t know if she dares to.

hitomi: it is true that i am in bed（ ´-`）.｡oO

hitomi: but i always have time to talk to unnie ∩^ω^∩

hitomi: hehe

i miss you, the thudding ache inside chaewon’s heart says. i miss you so much, what the . she just stares at the messages for a few moments, drinking in every word. three dots appear to indicate hitomi is typing, and it jolts chaewon into being aware of the lack of her own reply.

chaewon: ah i don’t want to disturb your sleep

hitomi: it’s alright if you need to do something else though, unnie!

chaewon stops. something akin to desperation flicks past her.

hitomi: thank you a lot for checking in. i really do appreciate it, i know unnie is busy :)

chaewon exhales a breath. it feels painful, tight with the words she can’t ever seem to straightforwardly say. don’t assume things, eunbi says. chaewon can’t look away from the single ‘:)’ emoji and feels significantly worse—as if it’s possible.

chaewon: no, no. i don’t

chaewon: i don’t have anything else to do

it’s not quite what she wants to say. it’s pretty ing far from what she wants to say—ah, it.

chaewon: do you want to, maybe call? i have time to call. if you can :)

her words are stilted, her palms are clammy, it’s probably a mistake. but chaewon thinks her life is filled with too many mistakes already that one more won’t change it all that much, so she doesn’t delete it. doesn’t retract it.

she just watches and watches and holds her breath at the three dots appearing to indicate that hitomi is typing.

hitomi: oh!!!

hitomi: sure thing, unnie! ( ^ ∀  ^)

something inside chaewon restarts. it’s still heavy, a little panicked (because it’s been so long), but it’s also a little less pathetic. maybe she’s a little less pathetic.

she dials hitomi’s number, and—despite herself—doesn’t even try to stop a smile from breaking out of her lips at the first hello.

--

hitomi is still as soft as she remembers, and chaewon still struggles with saying what she truly means. the conversation still flows, though, like they’re face to face, back inside the dorms, sitting or lying next to each other and laughing lightly about the littlest things. sometimes the atmosphere breaks—chaewon realizing she doesn’t know a lot about hitomi’s life now (which , but partly her own fault) or hitomi seemingly wanting to ask about something only to stop and correct herself with ah, no, you probably aren’t allowed to answer that (which hurts, but it is what it is).

but it’s also—it’s really nice to hear hitomi’s voice again, to softly say hitoma and hear a smile in hitomi’s reply. it’s really nice to listen to her talk with eyes closed, the warmth coursing through her veins almost enough to fool her into thinking hitomi is just right there in the room. it’s really nice to know that hitomi still doesn’t mind chaewon’s occasional lapses of silence, and it’s really, really nice and it’s a pity chaewon will probably fail at keeping this special thing going in her life.

“...so i um, have been exchanging weekly pet pics with nako-chan and saku-chan. pome is pretty chill, so it’s easy. saku-chan struggles the most, honestly.”

i miss you, chaewon thinks. “you should tell eunbi-unnie,” she says instead, because it’s easier. “she would totally do a geumbi spam everyday.”

hitomi laughs. i miss you, i miss you— chaewon could probably write a song out of all the tunes she has sung these three words with. she closes her eyes again, tries to keep her heart from bursting open.

“ah, that unnie. i had to stop her from sending snack boxes every month—i haven’t even finished everything she sent me the last time—”

“hitoma,” she abruptly calls, three syllables uttered almost in a hush. “i—”

miss you, her heart coaxes, sings, pleads. i miss you so much. moves, a deep breath in, and then hitomi is waiting and she has to say it now say it faster say it—

“…i miss japanese snacks.”

you’re an idiot, a voice in her head that sounds too much like yena scolds. but hitomi just snorts, chuckling, unaware that chaewon is pulling at her own hair and suppressing a devastated sigh.

“i thought—i thought you were going to say something else! your voice was so soft, so... but you're craving the snacks here? that’s cute! okay, so i can definitely send you some! what do you want, unnie? there’s—there’s mint choco pepero which I have sworn to never touch with a ten feet pole… no, no! i can get it for you, if you want. i will do it, just don’t tell nako-chan. there’s also—”

(hitomi is still as soft as she remembers, and chaewon still struggles with saying what she truly means. water is wet and the grass is green, but you know what?

thank god they are.)

--

chaewon: thank you for this. for picking up

chaewon: [a bunny giving a finger heart sticker]

chaewon: please have a good rest, hitoma :)

hitomi: of course!

hitomi: thank you a lot for the chat, chaewon-unnie ∩ ^ ‿ ^)∩

chaewon smiles at the messages, warmth buzzing inside her chest.

hitomi: oh, and chaewon-unnie?

she pauses, not expecting the talk to still continue.

chaewon: yes?

hitomi: i missed you

hitomi: i thought i would feel better after we called! but

hitomi: i think it just made me miss you a bit more hehe

hitomi: anyway that’s all! please have a good rest! unnie is a busy person

hitomi: please take care of yourself. i’m always cheering you on!!!（ゝ。∂）

her sight blurs.

her sight blurs and her next breath is choked up, but she manages to get a reply out. i miss you, she thinks and hitomi said she misses her back, misses her more, and chaewon doesn’t know how to go home and sleep with a longing this big, but if that’s what she has to deal with in exchange of getting to call hitomi like this, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

chaewon: i miss you a lot, too.

chaewon: thank you, hitoma. have a sweet dream :)

chaewon: [a heart sticker]

[ ♡ ]