Bobby turned abruptly in his sleep, his right arm knocking into something. The loud groan emanating from beside him, told him that it had not been something, but someone. He turned his head, eyes fluttering open in hesitation. 

“Ah~Bobby…” The groan continued in complain. The familiar voice; rough, deep, like the gravels of a stone driveway. The kind of voice you wanted to bring to bed and wake up to, the morning after.

“Mian-he.” He offered, the same errant hand that had hit the person next to him started moving unheeded, finally finding something. His fingers folded gently over the curve of a Roman nose, before caressing the cheek attached to it in an offer of apology. “Be quiet, or everyone will hear you.” Bobby reminded him raspily, eyes and lips smiling at the vision before him now. Junhoe’s profile gazing up at the ceiling is definitely a view he could get used to in the morning.

“You sleep like a monster.” He complained, but not returning Bobby’s loving gaze, probably not even aware that Bobby was looking at him. He did not push Bobby’s hand away though, letting it cradle against that sharp jawline where Bobby could already feel the first day growth of hair beneath his fingers.

“Did I kick you?” Bobby questioned, still not moving. He was fully immerse into this moment; of waking up and lying next to the person he loves. It was a feeling he thought he would never experience. Another one of the many things he had to get used to.

“Kicked, punched and thoroughly beaten.” Junhoe complained again, but a grin accompanied this statement as he turned abruptly to face Bobby. For Bobby, Junhoe gazing at him would never not be overwhelming. There was always that moment of wanting to look away, because Junhoe’s perfection seem almost impossible. It was like staring directly into the sun. Bobby’s grin went wider, allowing his eyes to get used to this, no matter how hard it got. Other than the slightly unkempt hair, Junhoe looked exactly the same as he did the night before; brows still perfectly shaped, nose still exquisitely sculpted, the cupid’s bow of the upper lips, still supple and tempting. Bobby had all that carved into his memory for the longest time and to experience touching that face was making parts of his body stir and kick up a fuss.

Bobby closed his eyes, pulling his hand away from that face with its fascinating features, willing the thoughts away. Junhoe captured his hand as he was drawing it away, tightly folding his fingers over Bobby’s, almost proprietarily, resting it on his smooth chest where Bobby could feel his chest, throbbing exponentially.

“Also, you don’t have to worry about anyone hearing us. It’s just us in here. Over here.” Junhoe reminded him almost ruefully, although his voice went a notch lower, flashing his beaming smile. The one that is all gummy and made his eyes disappear. Bobby wondered once again if this was all just a dream.

“Ah~I forgot.” Bobby chuckled gruffly. It was their second day in Jeju and it was already shaping up to be an unforgettable two days for him.

 

~ 

 

They had taken the trip, mostly because Donghyuk kept pestering Bobby about it, especially after that Star Live video interview they had recorded. Bobby felt that he should just react the same way to the boy’s teasing as he always had; listening quietly followed by a flurry of protests here and there, but Donghyuk can be very persuasive and utterly annoying, especially when the subject came to Junhoe. Bobby ended up agreeing to the suggestion as a dare more than anything else. Donghyuk, in all his eagerness, had immediately booked the flight and all that was left was to convince Junhoe. The smile on Junhoe’s lips when the subject was broached had been both a picture of happiness and uncertainty. Bobby did not feel as disheartened as he had prepared himself to be and he was even more surprised when Junhoe acquiesced immediately.

“Ung~you will go?” It was Jinhwan, who seem more taken aback than Bobby, standing by the kitchen counter, where Yunhyeong was fixing them potato pancakes for breakfast. He was flashing a look of disbelief in Junhoe’s direction. Junhoe had blushed slightly, lips bared into that grin they all loved, the one that was all pink gums and sparkly teeth, tugging at his sleeveless shirt nervously not looking at anyone in particular, although at that moment, everyone’s eyes were on him.

“I don’t see why not.” B.I. quipped on his behalf, sprawled on the couch, half asleep, but obviously listening in on the conversation. “Maybe it will be good for them to overcome their awkwardness.”

“Maybe they will fall in love!” Donghyuk exclaimed happily, clapping his hands together, slapping away the cushion Bobby had thrown in his direction expectantly, as Chanwoo joined his laughter collectively in satisfaction.

“Ah~shiro!” Bobby yelled, utterly annoyed, but inwardly pleased by the way things were going.

“When are we leaving?” Junhoe had asked, sincerely curious. That sunshine smile was all the affirmation Bobby needed to convince himself that this might work. Donghyuk blinked rapidly, realising that Junhoe was dead serious, seem flustered for a second and then he was on the phone, scrolling for the information and details.

“How many days are we getting anyway?” Yunhyeong asked loudly from the kitchen.

“Jaeho-hyung said Sajangnim gave us one week and a half.” Chanwoo informed him, lumbering to the kitchen, because he could already smell the pancakes. Only Jinhwan remained like a statue, his eyes not on Junhoe at all, but piercing in Hanbin’s direction.

“I booked you both for a week at a pension. Your flight will be tomorrow morning at eight. I’m sending you and Bobby-hyung the details now.” Donghyuk informed them, looking pleased.

“Whatever happens, just…don’t let me know.” B.I. suddenly quipped from the couch, eyes still closed, but a small smile playing on his lips.

“Ya~what is that supposed to mean?” Bobby laughed, nervously and a little too loud, looking as if they had caught him doing something suspicious.

“That’s kind of weird for you to say. What can happen anyway? It’s just two friends going on a trip.” Junhoe retorted, trying to sound normal, even though everyone could see his ears turning even redder.

“Yeah, just two friends going on a trip.” Bobby mumbled, still grinning. And then Chanwoo came in with a plate of piping hot potato jeon and everything else was forgotten.

 

~

 

They had remained quiet during the flight. There was that undercurrent of uneasiness that always accompanied them whenever they were stuck together, alone. It was muted this time, but they realised, without saying a word, that remaining oblivious to it seem to be the best way to counter it. Bobby was glad that their arms kept touching while they were watching the in-flight movie and for awhile that was the only thing that kept him busy. Just that accidental, gentle graze when Junhoe or him shifted in their seats. Halfway through, Junhoe’s head was suddenly on his shoulder and Bobby glanced over, almost in panic before realising that Junhoe had fallen asleep. Again he marvelled at Junhoe’s beauty in disbelief. He had the mask on when the plane took off, but he had it tucked under his chin now and that seem to cup all that mesmerising wonder that is the structure of his face. Bobby bit his lips, admiring up close what he has done secretly from an arm’s length, all these years. The way the fringe covered his forehead softly, the way the stem of his nose contracts slightly when he breathe and the way his lips puckered as if waiting to be kissed. Bobby closed his eyes and slowly, almost agonisingly, rested his head gingerly against the top of Junhoe’s head, not wanting to wake him up, feeling a sense of joy he never thought was possible.

“Are you sure you are okay with this?” Donghyuk had asked for the umpteenth time, watching Bobby throw clothes carelessly into the open luggage in the middle of his room.

“Ah~why do you keep asking me this?!” Bobby yelled in frustration, raking his hair roughly, as if he was not having a hard enough time deciding what to wear and what to bring.

“I feel sorry about it, as if I put you up to this.” Donghyuk repeated, looking guilty as he sat on the floor cross-legged, folding and putting the clothes into the suitcase. He really did. As much as he wanted for Bobby to be happy and to be at peace with his feelings, he did not want to push for things to happen when he still felt uncertain about it himself. He believed from what he had seen so far that there was something promising. However, it was still too early to say and there was no indication at all that Junhoe would reciprocate Bobby's feelings for him.

“Well, like it or not, Junhoe agreed and you’ve set things in motion and…and…” Bobby trailed off, filled with trepidation and uncertainty over what needed to be said next. Then he waved his hand over his head as if it was something he could physically sweep away and continued mulling in front of his wardrobe.

“And…you are okay with it.” Donghyuk sighed with finality. He sounded like he had opened Pandora’s box and starting to feel the first pangs of regret for doing so.

“And I have to be okay with it, right? It’s not like how I feel about him is such a mystery to everyone.” Bobby mumbled that last statement more to himself than for Donghyuk, but the younger boy heard it alright and stopped midway as he was about to fold one of Bobby’s nicer blouses.

“There is a possibility that…” Donghyuk started and Bobby interjected swiftly,

“Aaaah-aah-aah! Shiro! I don’t even want to entertain that thought.” And that was that. For Bobby, it did not matter if Junhoe loved him in return. It was about having his feelings finally validated and whatever came out from this trip, good or bad, he had to be mentally prepared for it.

 

~

 

The pension was quiet and slightly isolated, ran by an elderly couple whose son is a successful financial analyst back in Seoul. Bobby was thankful that there was a connecting smaller room with a bed, because he was expecting that Junhoe might be uncomfortable if they had to share a bed. The trip to Hawaii where he had ended up in the same room as Junhoe had been a bit too close for comfort. Bobby did not get to sleep much during the filming of that special. The night had been spent staring at Junhoe’s face under an effervescent moonlight.

“I’ll take the connecting room, Junhoe.” Bobby had said immediately after the elderly uncle had left after showing them the room, pushing his luggage towards the wooden door entrance. He was completely taken aback when Junhoe gripped his hand that had been pushing the handle of the suitcase suddenly.

“The bed is big enough for the two of us, hyung.” Junhoe intoned seriously. Bobby’s eyes closed in a mixture of pleasure and utter disbelief. Junhoe glanced at Bobby’s face in the brightly lit room. Bobby had stood frozen in his tracks, face in a moue of what looked to be agony. His eyes were shut so tight, it made his glasses slide down his nose just a little bit. Junhoe looked on in amusement.

“Bobby.” Junhoe called, using only his name this time. Bobby finally opened his eyes and peered in Junhoe’s direction. “Are you alright?” Junhoe asked, concern flooding his eyes and Bobby realised that he was at a loss for words. After almost three years of carrying the torch that had burned him on the inside, he discovered that revealing it would probably burn him on the outside as well.

“Ah~shiro.” Bobby cursed under his breath softly. Junhoe let go of Bobby’s hand immediately.

“Sorry, I’ll call you hyung.” He whispered, lips pouted slightly, moving away from Bobby. Bobby caught his hand before he could go any further. The same one that he had pulled away from. He held on tightly, letting the warmth from Junhoe’s hand burn him again, in and out.

“Mian-he, that’s…that’s not what I meant to say. Just call me Bobby. It’s fine.” Bobby quickly explained, shutting his eyes tightly once more and then opening them again almost immediately to look into the dark pools that were gazing back at him without fear. He took off his glasses with his free hand, putting it on the nightstand that was beside the bed. “What I meant was, I don’t hate this. Us being together.” He said, holding out that hand and waited for Junhoe to grab it as well. His heart lurched when Junhoe did. “This. I have been wanting to do for awhile now. I just hate that I am not able to find my words especially now that I have you all to myself.” Bobby explained, interlacing his fingers to Junhoe’s and wondering how each digit could fit so nicely as if they were made for each other. Junhoe blushed but surprisingly, did not look away, the smile on his lips meant everything to Bobby. 

“I know what is in your heart, Bobby.” Junhoe intoned. His gaze did not falter once as he said this and his eyes were the only thing Bobby could see now, the pupils lucid and sincere. They were in the middle of the countryside and Bobby remember the distinctive chirr of crickets and bees buzzing from the open balcony in their room when they had entered. Now, though, there was only complete and utter silence, except for the beating of his heart.

“You…you know?” Bobby asked, lips slightly parted in puzzlement and surprise, as if Junhoe had spoken in another language.

“I know that you love me.” Junhoe admitted, still blushing, still looking into Bobby's eyes and finding all the answers he wanted there. Bobby realised that he had been fooling himself thinking it was only his heartbeat that now filled his ears. He swore he could hear Junhoe’s as well. It was beating in time and rhythm to his own. “And I want to tell you that I love you too.”

“You know.” Bobby whispered in disbelief, stuck in the moment like a broken record. As if he had cease to exist only to be reborn into the same exact body, just with an entirely different destiny.

“Bobby, did you hear me? I said I love you too.” Junhoe repeated, gripping Bobby’s hands even tighter.

 

~

 

B.I. had been lying on his bed when Jinhwan entered. Yunhyeong’s potato jeon had been a hit and now everyone had gone back to their dorms, doing their own things. He was not surprised to see Jinhwan though, as a matter of fact, he had been expecting it.

“Ya~what was that all about?” Jinhwan demanded, sitting down by the bed, putting on that hard expression on his face he always does, when things did not go his way.

“What was what about?” B.I. muttered lazily, although there was a slight sparkle in the eyes that were searching Jinhwan’s face.

“Letting Bobby and Junhoe go on a trip. Together.” Jinhwan stated, folding his arms and crossing his legs. B.I. shrugged, but kept his silence. It hung heavily between them in the room.

“Yah~uh, aren’t you going to say anything?” He demanded when he realised B.I. was not going to answer him. He looked like a petulant child, who did not get the pony he asked for Christmas and was now sulking behind the tree.

“You…” B.I. closed his eyes, as if contemplating what to say next. “You need to back off.” B.I. finally stated softly, as if placating him, even though his words were contrary to the statement. Jinhwan’s eyes widened in surprise.

“I don’t understand, Hanbin-ah. What has this anything to do with me?” Jinhwan looked confused now, as if B.I. had totally changed the subject when he probably hit it closer to home than anyone else ever did.

“You blocking Bobby. It has got to stop. We all know he is in love with Junhoe, but your sweet has been monopolising the boy for almost four years now.” B.I. drawled, eyes still closed. Jinhwan always thought that out of the studio, B.I. always looked as if he had the life out of him. When he was in it, he was energetic, full of life and excitement and then he was back at being a frail, old man when he leaves. It was as if B.I. exists only in the recording studios and Hanbin is the one living in the real world.

“Ridiculous. If Bobby put you up…” Jinhwan started protesting vehemently but B.I. interrupted.

“Bobby has never said anything bad about anyone. Not even once. You know he’s incapable of that.” Jinhwan was silenced, arms remained folded, crossing his legs. He was still unhappy. B.I. did not even need to glance in his direction to know this. It emanated from him like the sour sweat that permeated their bodies after a day’s worth of dance practice.

“It could end badly. The whole group’s dynamics, this kind of thing…” Jinhwan started then faltered when he realised that B.I. was gazing at him intently. There was no emotion in his gaze, just a blankness that reeked of resignation. As if he had given up the fight, before it had even begun.

“You remember the day Jaeho-hyung introduced Junhoe to us?” B.I. asked, his eyes shut, his face calm. Jinhwan bit his lips and his memory returned to that summer night in 2012 when Jaeho-hyung walked in with the lanky, awkward teenager with the snapback on backwards. His eyes had been just slits, but the pupils sparkled in contained excitement. He had strong, handsome features and his dedication was what impressed them the most. He had learnt most of the choreography by the end of the week and his voice had a promising timbre that obviously sets him apart from most singers they know. Everyone was ready to be in love with Junhoe, but Jinhwan, being the eldest and most easygoing, had become the closest to him.

Truth was, he had to be the one, because at that time, he had thought that if anyone would be his fiercest competitor, it would be Junhoe. Except he had not noticed, or chose not to notice, how hard Bobby was trying to be close with Junhoe or that Bobby had been completely smitten.

“Do you remember?” B.I. repeated again and that snapped Jinhwan out of his reverie.

“Yes.” Jinhwan finally said, almost hesitantly, his eyes closed, trying to unsee what his brain had already culled from memory. Him, hugging Junhoe after every practice, not giving the slightest chance for any other members to talk to him that much. He, who volunteered to be there for Junhoe when things turned sour for them months after their debut, even though Bobby offered vehemently to talk to Junhoe.

“You did back off this time round. Why?” B.I. seem to know the most important questions he had to ask. Jinhwan’s gaze fell on him for the merest seconds before he turned back in front, closing his eyes again.

“He told me to back off too.” Jinhwan was speaking real softly. As if to himself.

“What?” B.I. asked once more, tipping him ever so slightly. Not too much, because angry Jinhwan was sulky, moody and did not want to talk. B.I. pushed just hard enough to make him spill the beans. He knew all of them that well, especially Jinhwan.

“Because…Junhoe told me to back off too.” Jinhwan declared now. B.I. did not need to open his eyes to know that tears were b in his eyes, the way his voice wavered had been enough. The statement surprised B.I. though. He never put Junhoe down to have that much guts. The boy had always pretty much bulldozed through everything, reckless and that was mainly why B.I. left him under Jinhwan’s care, but realising that Bobby was holding a torch for him, made the matter a little more complicated than it should be. Junhoe worshipped the ground Jinhwan walked on, but that was not love. Jinhwan was someone he looked up to, same way he looked up to B.I. for matters pertaining to the group. Love was a different story altogether. The fact that he could not look Bobby in the eye or stand having Bobby near him was something that was not easy overlooked.

“When?” B.I. prompted, interlacing his fingers and putting it over his tummy, body resting, but brain constantly whirring.

“Yeosu.” Jinhwan finally admitted. They did go to Yeosu for a day trip, B.I. recalled. Something about drinking the home-brewed soju. Jinhwan wiped one eye before a tear could track warmly down his cheek.

 

~

 

It was over dinner. They were grilling fresh unagi and some baby squids. The place had been bustling and slightly smoky, but they had a quiet corner all to themselves and Junhoe had been slightly broody since the trip began.

“Ya ~ what’s bothering you?” Jinhwan had urged, pouring the soju in excitement. They both tipped their glasses and drank quickly, then Junhoe was refilling it again. He had a rueful smile plastered across his lips. Jinhwan had been around him long enough to know that smile. He had stuff to unload from his mind and Jinhwan was ready to listen.

“Nothing.” The boy had stated, turning over the fish quickly and then the squids. Jinhwan cocked one brow up. It was unlike him to not open up immediately after the first drink. Not to Jinhwan anyway, so he just nodded, realising that it must be a pretty heavy subject, since it was going to take more than just one shot of soju.

They ate, mostly in silence and Jinhwan was utterly piqued by what was bothering Junhoe. They strolled by the river quietly after dinner, taking pictures to commemorate the trip. It was the kind of companionship they both shared and treasured. If anyone had bothered to ask Jinhwan, Junhoe was not always loud, his silence often meant he was trying to decide how to put across what was on his mind. That, or something was bothering him completely and he could not find any words at all.

“Spill.” Jinhwan demanded when they finally stopped by the railings near the bridge that would take them back across and to the train station. Junhoe glanced at him, then turned his gaze back to the river. Tracks of lights were dancing across the surface of the river in neon streaks, courtesy of the lighting from the stores near the waterfront.

“I’m in love.” Junhoe whispered. He rarely whispered. If he did, then it must be the truth and he probably had a hard time admitting it to himself even. Jinhwan’s brows furrowed upwards, indicating his surprise.

“In love?” He repeated. Junhoe nodded. “Who?” Jinhwan asked, although on hindsight now, he already knew. In the back of his mind, he had always known.

“Bobby.” Junhoe confessed easily, still whispering.

“When?” Jinhwan was not sure what it was he felt inside, but he felt like he had an inkling of when it had happened. Donghyuk might have known too, judging by how eager and excited he was in organising the trip for them. There was a lump now stuck in Jinhwan's throat and it seem as if it was not going to clear easily. Junhoe looked down his gloved hands as if trying to recall. Every time he exhaled, his breath came rushing out like steam from a kettle.

“Mollado.” He was still gazing down at his gloves. Jinhwan was willing to bet that he was blushing even though the lights were not shining bright enough where they were standing.

“Then how do you know?” Jinhwan argued, not knowing why he was suddenly angry about this. He sniffled against the wind that breezed through. Junhoe unwrapped the scarf from his neck and offered it to Jinhwan. Jinhwan pushed his hands away, undecided whether his eyes were watering due to the cold, or because he was about to cry. Maybe it was both.

“Jinan-hyung…” Junhoe started, looking at his own hands, at the scarf Jinhwan had refused and then stopped. Junhoe never addressed him by rank, not in any of their normal conversations. They always spoke informally to each other, even fans knew this. “You’ve always been my closest friend.” Junhoe began after a few moments. He was taking time, considering his words, thinking. Junhoe does not do all that, deep thinking usually meant bottles of whiskey or soju. Deep thinking was not at all related to Junhoe in any way, but here he was doing it. Jinhwan sniffled again, wiping his watery eyes in frustration. “I need to know. Who am I to you?”

“Like my baby brother, umh. I looked after you from the beginning, umh.” Jinhwan knew he was rambling, skirting issues, not focusing on what Junhoe was really pulling out from the sudden cold of this darkness.

“You love me.” Junhoe tied it up into that one sentence. Jinhwan did not dare answer. “You love me, the way a master would love his dog.”

“Ya~how can you put it that way.” Jinhwan protested. His objection was weak, because it was true. Perhaps at first it was. Junhoe’s talents had always made him feel threatened. His height, his looks, his voice, his moves has always made Jinhwan feel as if he was wanting. Not that Junhoe had ever used that against him. Junhoe might be many things, but in terms of sincerity, his heart was truly blameless and innocent.

Jinhwan knew, because he had been by his side almost constantly for the last five years. He could be crude, had disgusting habits and prone to causing misunderstandings with his smart mouth, but talent wise, Junhoe knew what he had and he was contented with it. He never compared, or felt like he was lacking in any way. It was just the way he was. That, or maybe knowing he had nothing lacking and that his faults always boiled down to his personality. Junhoe had always been transparent with his intentions.

Jinhwan was only doing what he always had; questioning himself. The way he had always been even since trainee days. His lack of self confidence and overall belief in himself. He had played his cards well, always keeping Junhoe under his thumb, at his beck and call. It was inevitable that Junhoe latched on to him. He was always available to Junhoe, even when Junhoe did not really need him. He appealed to Junhoe’s need to be taken care of. He drove Junhoe to think that he needed no one else, but him and that they only had each other, after all.

When it came to Bobby though, Jinhwan pretended to be nonchalant about it. He knew something was amiss, but he kept a blind eye to it. How Bobby found it hard to approach Junhoe for the slightest thing, even something as minor as sharing a bottle of water. How Junhoe could not be in a room with Bobby for way too long. How they averted each other’s gaze even if it was something as menial as watching TV together in the common room. They all witnessed this, yet no one talked about it. It was not taboo or something that was grossly uncomfortable, even. Just that no one wanted to approach the subject other than teasing them about it.

For Jinhwan, it was mostly how Junhoe was hesitant to talk about Bobby. He avoided any mention of Bobby in their conversations or diverted it elsewhere and Jinhwan never urged him to come clean.

“I am not saying it in a bad way.” Junhoe said now, throwing his gaze far across the water now as if thinking even harder. “Maybe I liked it because…I don’t know what else there is. You are the closest I have to an elder brother. You don’t treat me like a kid and you respect my opinions. That’s…that’s better than how one would treat a dog, right, hyung?” Jinhwan turned to look at him, he could not possibly stop his tears now.

“I…you know, I never meant for it to be intentional. When you first arrived, I wanted you to be the maknae, to cherish you like a little brother, but you did not want to. Remember?” Jinhwan was whispering now, wiping his tears, realising how long he had led Junhoe along. Always thinking it was for the boy’s own good, but really when it was for his own good.

“And I don’t want it to change.” Junhoe stated assertively, as if reading Jinhwan’s mind. He was being too loud and Jinhwan had to shush him, because the people passing by was starting to look up and stare. He ameliorated immediately, whispering fiercely, “I still want you to keep me on a short leash. Ignore me when you can’t stand me and get angry when you have had enough of my jokes. And I want to continue being your drinking buddy. I don’t want us to change, Kim Jinhwan.” He declared passionately. He was the one sniffling now and Jinhwan was not sure if he was crying, or if he was going to catch a cold. “But, I also need you to let me go, sometimes.” He added, and under the neon lights, Jinhwan could see the shadow of a smile, as if there was comfort in the thought of facing up to his real feelings. The one he tried hard to keep so well hidden from all the members.

“Let you go?” Jinhwan asked, uncertain of what exactly he was stating, but for some reason, absolutely understanding. He sounded...mature.

“Let me experience this. Whatever this is, without you feeling the need to hold me back or keep me sheltered.” He declared. “I love Bobby, but I don’t want you to feel as if your standing with me is in jeopardy. What you and I have, I could never possibly have with Bobby and what Bobby and I might have…” He drifted off here as if just the thought of that, that he could be with Bobby was something unheard of and improbable.

Jinhwan did not know what to do with all this…revelation. He had nodded, then thought he would just stand back and watch how it unfolded. Except, he just did not know that things would turn out this way; because in the duration between Junhoe first informing him to B.I. telling him to back off now, Jinhwan realised, rather belatedly, that he might have been in love with Junhoe all along.

 

~

 

They sat on the wooden deck chairs at the balcony, waiting for the sun to set. Junhoe was reclining back on the chair, with only a bathrobe on, his chest exposed and he was wearing that gummy smile that Bobby loved so much. Bobby only had printed slacks on, his hair still damp from the shower he just took. There was a bowl of tangerines on the table and Bobby started peeling them, feeding Junhoe slices of the nectarine sweet fruit.

“Ah~Bobby.” He exclaimed moments later, his mouth full of tangerines, “Too much! You have it!” He mumbled, turning his head away, holding Bobby’s advancing hand, pushing it back, urging him to eat the slice he was offering now. Bobby laughed, head thrown back and started eating the slices himself.

“It’s really sweet, isn’t it?” Bobby commented as he stood up, walking over to where Junhoe was and sat down facing him, peeling another tangerine.

“You are going to miss the sunset if you turn this way.” Junhoe informed him, shifting slightly, to the side and made space for him to lie down, but Bobby remained seated beside him, shaking his head adamantly.

“I am already getting a wonderful view where I am.” Bobby whispered saucily and Junhoe’s laugh was hearty and full, a sound Bobby was beginning to familiarise himself with. It was amazing how he kept discovering more things about Junhoe which he continued falling deeper for. The way his eyes creased when he was listening intently to whatever Bobby had to say. The way he caressed Bobby's fingers when they were sitting together just having a conversation. Everything that Junhoe did, every gesture, every look seem anchored to Bobby now and he loved it with every fibre of his existence. 

“Lie down, love, it’s happening.” Junhoe said awhile later, chewing on the last few slices of tangerine Bobby offered him. Bobby loved being called that too, it made him grin, so wide that his eyes disappeared into crescents. He wiped his hands, against his slacks and proceeded to lie down beside Junhoe, enjoying the sky that was painted liberally in a watercolour wash of striking hot pinks, electric blue with intermittent dabs of bloody orange.

“It is amazing.” Bobby exhaled at the sight before him, allowing his body to relax, letting his heart with all its burden of keeping a secret love to rest, fingers intertwined with Junhoe’s long, tapered ones. “I could lie here forever just watching the sunset with you.” Bobby admitted. He released Junhoe's hand, sliding the same arm up against the top of the chair and almost instinctively Junhoe move his body up a little, enough to let Bobby slide an arm behind his neck.

“Ok?’ Junhoe whispered, Bobby nodded. It was more than okay. It felt good and right. Most importantly, his heart was filled with so much happiness, because the Junhoe whom he first met, would barely ask after others, but here he was making sure Bobby was comfortable. “We’ll be heading back home tomorrow.” Bobby sighed aloud.

“Mm-hm.” Junhoe answered, sounding a little disheartened. “Is it bad if I say I am not looking forward to it?” He muttered, a little hesitantly. Bobby side-eyed him, not surprised to see the sunset reflected in the pools of his eyes, his lips unsmiling. Junhoe really looked sad and Bobby wished the getaway could have gone on for longer as well. 

“What made you realise that you were in love with me all along?” Bobby asked, ruffling Junhoe's hair absentmindedly between his fingers. It had been on his mind since yesterday, he had meant to ask over dinner, but the thrill of being with Junhoe, actually having dinner, sharing shots of after-dinner whiskey and holding hands as they strolled down the garden pathway behind the pension, made him forget it completely.

“When I got into trouble for the shirts. Do you remember?” Junhoe said as if it had not happened only months ago. Bobby nodded. “You insisted on being there for me. Even though Jinan…”He drifted off here, as if the name was unfamiliar to them and Bobby shifted, clearing his throat.

“I insisted on being there for you, even though Jinan said he had always been there, in the first place.” Bobby stated firmly. No use skirting around the issue. If it had to be discussed, now would be the best time than later. Better for it to be out in the open.

 

~

 

Junhoe had been a complete mess and it had turned Bobby inside and out to see him hurt. He barely left his room, barely ate, barely talked.

Barely lived. 

This time, not even Jinhwan could turn him around.

“Ya~get up! Ireona!” Bobby had barked pulling him up roughly by the shoulders. He was , stank of whiskey and probably last showered two days ago. His sister had called the manager, sounding concerned, because he had not been answering her messages. He mumbled something inaudible. Something about leaving him alone or letting him sleep, but Bobby, whose tears were now smarting in his eyes and could not care less if they woke up the dead with his barks, was not going to stand watch and let the one person he truly loves despair in such a miserable manner. “Ya~Koo Junhoe!” He barked again and this time, he managed to drag the boy off the bed and out into the hallway.

Donghyuk emerged from his room, rubbing his eyes sleepily and Jinhwan stood in front of his, mouth gaped open as Bobby hauled Junhoe straight into the bathroom. They could hear the shower being and Junhoe was groaning loudly now, as the cold water hit him hard. Jinhwan started walking into the bathroom, but Donghyuk pulled his arm and whispered in that gentle, coaxing voice he uses only when he sang,

“No, hyung, no. Let Bobby-hyung take this. He knows what needs to be done.” Jinhwan glanced at Donghyuk. His brows were furrowed in concern, but Donghyuk seem calm. Junhoe’s groans had turn into hoarse shouts now. Bobby had not only run cold water over him, he had begun soaping Junhoe’s hair.

“Ya~Koo Junhoe-ya. If you keep being this way, I swear I’m going to kick your . You buck up and face it like a man, or I swear I'll kill you, myself.” Bobby half-screamed, half-whispered into his face. “Are you listening to me, Junhoe-ya?” Junhoe was nodding underneath the shower, gripping Bobby’s hand that had a death grip over a handful of his hair.

“Bobb-Bobby…” He gasped under the torrent of shampoo and water that was fast waking him up from the stupor of despair he had buried himself in for the past two weeks.

“What? What?” Bobby sounded like he was interrogating some criminal. “I can’t hear you Koo Junhoe-ya. What are you going to do after this?” He asked repetitively.

“I’ll call my sister! Hyung! I’m sorry! I’ll wake up! Sorry, hyung!” Junhoe shouted repeatedly, trying not swallow mouthfuls of water.

 

~

 

“That?!” Bobby sat up immediately, his lithe body gently shaking in mirth. “That made you realise you love me?” He was gazing at Junhoe now, his winsome face filled with amusement.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” Junhoe exclaimed, sitting up abruptly, slapping Bobby on the knee. He was amused to have Junhoe become so comfortable with him, but it was also something he could really get used to. It made Bobby laughed even louder, surprised by the fact that it took something as serious as that to make Junhoe submit to the feelings he had for Bobby. Junhoe grinned, as if he found comfort in Bobby's laughter. 

“I was tough on you back then.” Bobby admitted a little later when the laughter tapered off. He had laid back down, but Junhoe had remained seated beside him. Between the view and Junhoe’s broad, magnificent back encased in the bathrobe, Bobby had no complains. None at all.

“Sometimes, you need to be tough on the ones you love, right?” Junhoe inquired, without glancing back. His voice had a faraway quality to it, as if he was recalling the incident and ruminating over it carefully. “I mean, that’s what people meant when they say tough love, right?”

He added. Bobby sat up again. Something in the thick quality of Junhoe’s voice made him realise that this was a subject that weighted heavily in his heart. Bobby could sense him stiffening his shoulders as he spoke. As if, just by remembering, all that darkness had easily seeped back into his mind and his heart.

“Hey, hey.” Bobby comforted softly, encircling his arms around those huge shoulders for a tight hug. Junhoe relaxed against Bobby’s hold, turning his face so that he could exhale Bobby’s scent. It was something he was familiar with, a memory he could return to that would provide instantaneous relief. It was completely amazing how comfortable it felt to be this near to him without losing his bearings. “I’m sorry if I had hurt you, you know, back then.” Bobby’s eyes had welled up with tears now, recalling the whole thing as well. Junhoe sighed, still leaning against Bobby, not really knowing what to answer in reply.

He had spent that night still sleepless, but with so much clarity for the first time in his whole life. He had to force his feelings for Bobby out, the way he had upchucked all the liquor he had swallowed in the mornings, during the weeks he had imposed misery into his life.

How long had he denied that his heart had belonged to Bobby? The stolen glances during practices and performances, the sudden, accidental touches and then backing off, as if they had been hit by electricity. They had been awkward for the longest time, but he had never really been proactive enough to find out why and when he did, it took him almost two days to figure out the truth and how it had shook him to realise that it had been Bobby all along.

 

 ~

 

Junhoe sat on the sofa, shivering despite the shirt and shorts Bobby had thrown at him and commanded him to put on after dragging him out of the showers. Jinhwan had tried to pry Bobby’s hands off Junhoe’s shoulders as they emerged from the bathroom, but Bobby had pushed his hands away abruptly.

“Ya~Kim Jiwon-ah. What do you think you are doing? Let him go.” Jinhwan had warned softly. Tried to, anyway. It was not going to work on Bobby today, not when Junhoe’s well being was at stake.

“Back off!” He rasped a return, those crescent pair of bright eyes turning into two pools of murky steel that caught the eldest by surprise. Jinhwan took a step back from Bobby, as he advanced into the living room dragging a thoroughly soaked and completely awake Junhoe. “Dongie, get a towel and some clothes.” Bobby ordered. Donghyuk, who had been sidled against the kitchen entrance, biting his lips; still considering if he should at least text Hanbin or Yunhyeong, was galvanised into action. He returned moments later, passing the items to Bobby. “Put this on and dry yourself.” Bobby commanded firmly.

Junhoe consented silently, lips pouted and quivering, drying himself with the towel and putting on the clothes hurriedly. His eyes were swollen from way too much crying, his cheeks red and puffy from the lack of sleep and the hefty amount of liquor he had been imbibing recently; but it was still a relief, because it had been while since anyone saw his face.

“What do you want to do now?” Bobby asked and Junhoe’s eyes flitted to Bobby’s unsmiling face briefly in uncertainty.

“Call my noona.” He whispered, still shivering more out of fear than anything else now. Bobby loomed over him proprietarily like some horrifying entity, hands on his waist.

“And?” Bobby pushed.

“And tell her I’m okay.” He answered in a rush, swallowing the constriction in his throat. Bobby nodded to Donghyuk silently. Donghyuk answered with a returning nod as if he understood perfectly what Bobby asked him to do.

He came back awhile later, holding Junhoe’s phone in his hand, passing it to Bobby, who immediately threw it into Junhoe’s chest. Junhoe caught it and made the call. He spoke briefly, said something about having a schedule and was unable to come home for awhile. His voice was shaky but knowing his family, they were contented enough to, at least, hear his voice. Bobby remained standing where he was, gazing down on him like a hawk scouting for a place to find prey, indicating that he was barely done here.

Junhoe did not dare look up, staring down at his own feet, still petulant and probably starting to sulk. Bobby looked up, staring long and hard at Jinhwan, almost daring him to say something. Donghyuk understood immediately what Bobby wanted and grabbed Jinhwan by the shoulders, literally dragging him away from the living room and into the kitchen. Jinhwan glanced at Donghyuk then back at Bobby, not even sure to ask what was happening now. Bobby knelt in front of Junhoe. The sudden movement caught him by surprise and before Junhoe could stand up or move, Bobby was cupping his cheeks tightly between warm, callused hands.

“Junhoe-ya.” Bobby rasped softly, his face inches away from Junhoe’s. He did not sound as if he had been shouting just awhile ago. He sounded…soft. It was the first time that they were this close to each other.

This close.

Junhoe gazed into his eyes. There were tears b there. Tears. Junhoe tried to find words, wanted to look away, push him off, but he ended up doing nothing but only drown in that tear-filled gaze.

“Bobby. Hyung.” Junhoe tried to speak, but these were all the words he could muster, because seeing Bobby cry made him feel helpless. Bobby crying in front of him, for him, was rendering him speechless.

“Ya, Koo Junhoe.” Bobby tried again, swallowing the constriction against his throat. The grip on Junhoe’s cheeks became gentler, tender almost. “You cannot do this to yourself and expect me to be quiet about it.” Bobby began, his voice on the verge of breaking again. “It was a harmless thing and you didn’t mean it. And you apologised. You…Junhoe, you cannot live like this. Not now.” Bobby was half sobbing now.

Junhoe realised that his own eyes were stinging with tears. They were hot, almost as if he had kept them broiling inside him for way too long and now they were on the verge of overflowing.

“You know you cannot live like this. We love you so much. I love you so much…” Bobby drifted off, hands falling despondently onto Junhoe’s knees, keeled over as he broke down.

“I’m- I- I’m so- Sorry- Bobby-hyung…” Junhoe’s voice began to hitch now. He was both touched and surprised by Bobby’s words. One hand came up to rest on Bobby’s shoulder and started patting him gently. “I’m s-s-sorry.”

He managed and that was all he could as the tears overpowered him. Bobby pulled him in for a hug and they both cried in each others’ arms, while Jinhwan and Donghyuk witnessed it all from over the kitchen counter trying to hold back their own tears.

 

~

 

“Did you know that you saved me that day? That if you had not dragged me out of my room and…” He drifted off once more. Bobby could feel hot tears spilling against his neck and Bobby’s own trailed down his cheeks to join the tracks made by Junhoe’s.

“Ah~shiro! Why are we crying!” Bobby shouted in exasperation. Junhoe sat up and turned to Bobby, gazing at him in admiration and something else Bobby had never seen before. Perhaps it was because they almost always avoided each other’s gaze that to truly look into the other’s eyes has somewhat become such a meaningful gesture. Junhoe wiped Bobby’s tears, almost caressing the cheeks tenderly and Bobby returned the favour just as sweetly. Junhoe gazing at him with love reflecting off his pupils was definitely something he had to get accustomed to.

“This is something we have to get used to, don’t we?” Junhoe whispered softly. “We are so used to being tough that it is really hard to be soft to each other.” There was a ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he said this. Bobby crossed his legs on the chair, grasping both of Junhoe’s hands and placing it on his lap.

“Did you know that Love and Fall was for you?” Bobby admitted softly, smiling brightly, looking deeply into Junhoe’s eyes. Junhoe gazed at Bobby in disbelief, mouth wide open, trying to fathom what Bobby just said.

“You have got to be kidding me?” Junhoe exhaled, his exquisite face filled with disbelief; eyes wide, nose slightly flared and lips forming an O that Bobby wished he could reshape with his own. “Bobby, you must be joking!” He tried to laugh only it came out stifled, as if he was still trying to absorb this piece of information.

“What did you think I was trying to tell you before I flew off to L.A. that time?” Bobby asked, clasping his hands tighter in confirmation. Junhoe remembered that awkward conversation in the kitchen very well. How Bobby was saying that he was not even hoping for the album to do well, just as long as it was out, he was fine. Then he had said something really weird. He had said that he love Junhoe and that Junhoe should wish him all the luck in the world. It had been so weird that the Junhoe back then had reacted the way he always had, he had answered with an ‘I love you too’ and then quickly removed himself from the kitchen. “I tried telling you but it came out the wrong way. Love and Fall is all you. That is the truth, I did not even want it promoted, I just wanted it out. It was supposed to be a testament of my love to you.” He admitted earnestly. Junhoe could see the relief mirrored in Bobby’s eyes at being able to finally expressed what he had probably wanted to confessed to back then and realised that he was speaking the truth.

“I don’t know what to say.” Junhoe still looked dazed, as if he was understanding, but his mind had yet to wrap itself around the idea that the masterpiece of an album had been Bobby’s declaration of love for him and him alone. He had loved that album so much and the songs especially, In Love and I Love You had been stuck in his mind for the months following the album’s release, almost as if the songs had a special connection with him. Even his father had loved it.

“Ah~why was I so stupid! Why didn’t I see how much you loved me? And why didn’t I admit that I love you too!” He groaned in exasperation much to Bobby’s pleasure. Bobby laughed aloud, releasing Junhoe’s hands and hugged him tightly. Junhoe returned the embrace with equal intensity.

“We were just a bunch of idiots, weren’t we?” Bobby whispered against his shoulder and Junhoe nodded, not wanting to let him go, not now that everything was out in the open. “Make it up to me, love.” Bobby added after a moment of silence. “Sing for me.”

“Kapjaeggi?” Junhoe asked, releasing Bobby and staring at his expectant face, already bursting with that buzz of excitement he always worked himself into before every performance on stage. “Not just any song. I want you to sing one of my songs.” Bobby demanded now, his chin jutting out almost petulantly. Junhoe knew that look very well too. It was the look that Bobby had when he was intent on chasing after something and having it fulfilled, irregardless of what stood in its way; whether it was having ice-cream despite having a bad cough or wanting to release an album even if Sajangnim had unequivocally refused him. “You know I’m your biggest fan.” He added in an urging whisper.

Junhoe nodded, patting the top of the deck chair requesting Bobby to lie back down. Bobby did as he was told, opening his arms in Junhoe’s direction, a gesture Junhoe accepted, settling himself gently against Bobby’s shoulder, wrapping one arm across Bobby’s chest, anchoring his hand to the other shoulder.

“You never know how I feel, baby. When you kiss me, you driving me crazy…” Junhoe began and Bobby kissed the top of his head, eyes closed, letting that wondrous, rapturous voice flit across the balcony and fill the world that now belonged to them. Bobby basked in the glory of Junhoe’s voice, absolutely contented and incandescently ecstatic to know that he was with the one person whose happiness meant the world to him.

 

~

 

The dorm was pretty quiet today, by normal standards. Jinhwan was on the couch watching a rerun of Running Man when there was a beep at the door and Donghyuk entered. Jinhwan stood up nimbly, standing at the end of the doorway to see who it was.

“Ah~you’ve returned?” Jinhwan asked, smiling expectantly. Yunhyeong was behind him carrying bags of what he could perceive were groceries.

“Ya-hyung? Are you alone?” Yunhyeong asked, settling the bags on the kitchen counter.

“Ani~lovebirds are in Bobby’s room.” Jinhwan whispered. “They’ve been in there since this morning.” He added conspiratorially. Yunhyeong glance hurriedly at Bobby’s closed door. Donghyuk strode over to the bedroom door and knocked hard.

“Room service!” His shrill voice broke the silence. “I can’t believe that at one point, Bobby-hyung made me promise never to leave him alone with Junhoe, ever.” He exhaled, as he traipsed to the kitchen to help Yunhyeong arrange the groceries. Yunhyeong giggled at Donghyuk’s antics.

“Are you cooking dinner today?” Jinhwan was asking, resting his elbows against the kitchen counter, hands folded underneath his chin. Yunhyeong nodded, rummaging through the fridge, taking out things that had expired or were expiring, and putting all these in a trash bag Donghyuk was holding out to him.

"Yes. The rest will join us in awhile." Yunhyeong said as he discarded an opened can of peaches into the bag. The door to Bobby’s room opened and Junhoe emerged. Bobby came next, an arm wrapped around Junhoe’s broad shoulders. Both of them were shirtless, wearing tropical beach pants, the ones with drawstrings to pull them up and matching gummy smiles. The pants probably belonged to Bobby; the smiles, to their respective owners.

“Love is a many splendid thing…” Jinhwan was singing now, teasing them, his sweet voice filtering down the hallway. The smiles faltered a little and Bobby trudged to the bathroom, as Junhoe continued walking towards the kitchen. “You had a good rest?” Jinhwan teased and that gummy smile that had disappeared slightly just now, returned as Jinhwan put an arm around his waist, because that was only where he could reach without stretching too much.

There was that familiar beep at the door and Chanwoo walked in with B.I. behind him. Bobby came out of the toilet, grinning at the sight of the two who just walked in.

“You’re here?” He asked, letting Chanwoo pass him with a high-five and then grasping B.I’s hand. B.I. was wearing his happy smile. The one that lit up his eyes and there was more than enough reason for that happiness. It had been less than a month since Bobby’s trip to Jeju with Junhoe and B.I. had never seen Bobby look this happy.

Come to think of it, he had never seen Junhoe that happy, either. There was the apprehension and worry that it might not have worked out between them and when they returned it became more of a concern that the two of them might not be able to keep their hands off each other during schedules. Surprisingly, both of them practiced good self-control. Junhoe remained stuck like a leech to Jinhwan and Bobby did not seem affected by this. He and Junhoe maintained the same code of distance they had before their Jeju trip. From what Jinhwan reported to him, things were absolutely different when they were in the dorms.

Donghyuk complained last week that he had walked into the bathroom, to both Bobby and Junhoe in the shower, which was probably a good thing seeing that it was impossible to even have them sitting in the same room at one time, except Donghyuk had to leave immediately because the sounds emanating from the shower was not just running water.

“Hyung, they were…” Donghyuk trailed off, looking very traumatised as he rushed into Jinhwan’s room, leaning against the door, completely out of breath. Jinhwan sat on his bed, gazing at him in amusement, waiting. “I don’t think they are showering at all.” Donghyuk surmised. And true enough as he said it, Jinhwan could hear Junhoe's groans filtering out from the bathroom door even with his room door closed. Donghyuk’s eyes widened in horror, a hand coming up to cover his mouth and Jinhwan muffled a giggle. There was definitely no showering going on in there. “Hyung…” Donghyuk pleaded and was probably regretting that he ever wanted Bobby and Junhoe to get together, after all.

More groans ensued, this time it was obviously not just coming from one person and it was definitely way too loud. Jinhwan ran out.

“Ya~keep it down the two of you!” Jinhwan shouted, knocking the bathroom door. Then there was utter silence before the sound of running water came on again and Jinhwan could discern that familiar 'pfffft' of Junhoe stifling back his laughter and Bobby shushing him.

"Sorry, hyung!" Bobby's voice seeped through the door. Donghyuk stood at the entrance of Jinhwan’s room, mouth agape. Then he was collapsing to the floor in unbridled laughter, because in some twisted way, it was all funny and cute. Jinhwan, scratched his head, looking rueful, uncertain about how he was supposed to react to it now.

When Jinhwan told B.I., the leader, flashed his whimsical smile and scratched his head.

“Ah~too much information, hyung!” He whined at the end of Jinhwan’s recollection. “I told you, don’t let me know!” He added.

Yet, he could not possibly berate the lovebirds now. After all, the efforts to bring them together, it would have been absolutely impossible to keep them apart now. They lived with it out of respect for the two of them.

“Ya~who is going to help me boil the pasta!” Yunhyeong shouted from the kitchen now.

“I’ll help.” Junhoe offered and Yunhyeong smiled in approval. Jinhwan released him and watched from the counter as B.I., Bobby and Chanwoo walked over.

“Wow, Koo Junhoe, what a helpful boy you have become!” Jinhwan was cheering and teasing all at the same time.

“Ya~I’ve always been helpful!” Junhoe quipped filling the pot with water. Bobby grinned from the doorway, gazing at him, eyes sparkling with pure, untainted joy. “You want a beer?” Junhoe asked, looking at him expectantly as he lighted the stove. Bobby shook his head.

“Coke would be great, though.” He requested. Junhoe opened the fridge, grabbed the nearest cold can and threw it in Bobby’s direction. Bobby caught it, blushing slightly at the resplendent smile Junhoe was directing at him. He opened the can and chugged the drink, walking in to stand beside Junhoe. Junhoe pouted expectantly and Bobby brought the can up to his pursed lips tipping some of the drink into Junhoe's mouth. Bobby gazed intently as Junhoe drank. 

“Ah~jjinja, I'm gonna barf!” Chanwoo teased and then demanded,“I want Coke too, Bobby-hyung!” Bobby blushed happily as Junhoe rolled his eyes. Bobby wiped the stray droplet from Junhoe's mouth and then passed the can to Chanwoo who whined,"Ya~why aren't you feeding it to me?"

"Jung Chanuu!" B.I. scolded jokingly and everyone exploded into collective laughter, even Donghyuk, who was helping Yunhyeong chopped the onions and capsicum could not help containing himself. Yunhyeong slapped Chanwoo's as the maknae ran out of the kitchen, still giggling uncontrollably. B.I. put his arms around Jinhwan’s shoulders and smiled without saying a word.

 

FIN