If there was anything she hated more than the color blue it was probably snow. Haseul liked sunshine and a breeze. The type of warmth that just hugs to your skin, similar to the warmth Jinsoul gives.

It was that time of the year again, where the snow stuck to the ground and the wind would cut right through you if you didn’t have enough layers on. Her feet crunched beneath her, against the almost perfect white. She hated to ruin it sometimes but at least she had a purpose.

Haseul was going to visit her mother for her birthday.

Walking up the road she fights back the shivers by stuffing her face further into her scarf. Today always seemed like the coldest of the year which contradicted her mother’s personality. Almost hot from her temper but still the cozy warmth of her smile. Haseul was always compared to her mother.  

At first she hated it, because her mother was so successful. But now that’s what she clinged onto. Her heart would always slow down when someone would tell her she had the same smile. Because it reminded her that just like her mother, she was warm. And maybe she wasn’t as worthless as she felt sometimes.  

God Haseul missed her. 

The only person in her life that had believed in her. Someone that saw the perfection in her no matter how many stupid mistakes she made. That told her to never give up and to make her dreams come to life.   

The one that taught her how to sing. 

Haseul stands in front of the grave, the snow lightly dusting the top of it. Most of the decorations were dampened by the heavy cold. “Happy birthday mom,” Haseul says in a light voice and starts to clean up the grave sight. The last time she was here leaves littered the ground from the large oak that stood nearby.  

After she sets up all the little nick-nacks, some from her brothers and most were from her. This year Haseul had gotten her a single rose and a new trinket from the aquarium. Unlike Haseul, her mother loved the aquarium. And her favorite color was blue.  

Haseul kneels in the snow, not bothered by the cold seeping to her skin. It’s been four years now and it’s finally gotten easier. Haseul can finally talk to her without choking on a word. She visits her now, almost every month just to tell her about her life and how’s it going.

She knows the woman would probably scold her for dropping out of college and giving up on her dreams. But how could she continue when her biggest fan was six feet under.

Patting on the ground a bit she sniffles. She’s starting to realize there’s not much going on in her life, the monthly conversations are becoming all surrounded by one topic since it’s the most important thing to Haseul now.

Jinsoul . 

“You’d be forty eight today, crazy. I wondered if you’d have your first grey hair by now.” Haseul smiles at the memory. Of her mom getting upset when her and her brothers made a bet for when she’d get the first sign of aging. Haseul thought her mother was the most beautiful woman in the world, and millions of other people did too.

Taking out a picture she props it in the snow it’s her and Jinsoul smiling with mickey mouse standing behind them giving them some bunny ears, “we went out to one of those ice skating shows last week. Disney on Ice i think? She loved it whenever they’d do those fancy tricks.” Haseul’s mother had known about Jinsoul for a few months now, while the blonde still didn’t know her name.

Haseul swallows harshly, one day she’d be able to show Jinsoul.  

“You’d love her I think, I know you always wanted me to get with someone that fell in love with my voice first but she’s definitely an exception.” Haseul smiles, she’s never told Jinsoul that she knew how to sing. For some reason, she was self-conscious about her voice. Jinsoul couldn’t even hear her but she still couldn't bring herself to tell anyone of her past goals.

To become a famous singer just like her mother.

Haseul is building a tiny snowman as she blabbers on, “and then she got me this really pretty necklace, I don’t know how she afforded it.” Pausing for a second she thinks of something, “You know, she loves the aquarium too.”  

Maybe it hasn’t gotten easier for Haseul.

“I wish you could meet her mom.” The tears fall into the snow, slowly melting millimeters at a time. How in the blink of an eye, how could it go like this. Haseul’s life was easy, she smiled and laughed. Was well on her way in becoming signed to a label because apparently she was phenomenal.

Then it happened. Haseul lost her voice. Her mother’s voice. In a way she went deaf just like Jinsoul was. Except the silence was in her heart.

She started at the aquarium because her mom wanted her too, now she couldn’t leave because she was attached to it. Even if she could care less about all the weird creatures, and especially the color blue.  

It was starting to become more bearable now. She smiled at children and was genuinely interested in the new specimens they would get. Haseul even teared up a bit when Jiwoo left.   

The color blue was no longer a twisted reminder of how her life turned out. But instead a nostalgic memory in which she remembered how truly caring and inspiring her mother was.

She’s not for sure when she’ll be able to sing again, or finally leave that damn job. But the days were sweeter now.

Haseul was finally hearing her mother’s voice again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s almost midnight when she makes it there. Jinsoul’s job was a bit odd. She worked as a night guard at a local business corporation. It paid surprisingly well and the blonde had kept it for a number of years.  

You may think a deaf person would serve as a ty security guard, but Haseul’s baby was exceptionally good at her job. Jinsoul was perceptive so the girl could constantly watch security cams and notice any movement. Unlike other guards who relied on sound. Jinsoul could notice the smallest of upsets in the environment.   

Haseul found it kinda y. The uniform that is, on the other hand she constantly worried about Jinsoul’s safety.

Walking up outside she looks through the glass. She had texted Jinsoul a few minutes ago notifying her of her arrival. Haseul squeals when the blonde comes out of the darkness of the office lobby. The ice that had settled on her heart earlier today quickly melts away.

As soon as the door is opened she wiggles her way into Jinsoul’s embrace who’s giggle is muffled by her lips.  

It was so cold outside so she passes the chill to Jinsoul who grunts when cold hands sneak under her security coat. Haseul rocks them back and forth the slow murmur of happiness flowing through her, finally warm and grounded from her lover’s hold.  

Hugs were a given between them, it always happened when they met and when they parted. It was their greeting and also their farewell. Haseul was now almost fluent in sign language but now she didn’t use it as often, because she was also fluent in Jinsoul.   

Nights alone were her study time. When she’d lay in bed, most often not being able to find the exhaustion behind her eyes strong enough to combat with her constant thinking, she’d relay all of Jinsoul’s movements and expressions. Her touches and noises. Everything that would allow her to communicate with Jinsoul without difficulty, but boy, hasn’t it gotten easy.

Because she thinks about Jinsoul an awful lot.

They haven’t seen each other in a bit, so she can tell Jinsoul missed her by the way the hug is tight and Haseul has no room to slip out. The girl hums every time Haseul’s fingers tickle at her spine and she’s quite literally melting into her.  

She whispers, “I love you.” Jinsoul doesn’t know it quite yet but Haseul says it daily. She has her head against her chest listening to the calm heartbeat. Haseul wonders if Jinsoul knows, the girl could read her like a book. Although she’s never said it officially or where she could never hear , she knows there’s a possibility that Jinsoul knows just by the way she looks at her or reacts to her touch.   

Her head tilts back at the same time Jinsoul’s does, their bodies were almost in perfect sync. They’ve had a lot of practice now.   

The blonde flips her hat up ready to lean forward for a kiss before Haseul stops her with a gentle finger. Haseul could be an actress now with how good she was at making expressions. She remembers dropping out of that class, because the professor kept telling her she needed to convey emotion without words.  

She never knew what that meant until now.

Jinsoul raises a brow at her mischievous smile, already knowing that she was up to something. Haseul was but she didn’t want to give it away just yet. Backing away she almost tears up at Jinsoul’s pout, the girl stomping her feet from Haseul’s escape from her embrace.

But she ignores how adorable Jinsoul is and quickly draws the blonde’s attention to her hands. I have a surprise for you.   

Jinsoul doesn’t raise her hands, only shoves them in her pockets and tilts her head. Giving Haseul the eyebrow quirk. Haseul knows the look and rolls her eyes,  oh really?    

Biting her lips she slowly nods. Jinsoul smiles at her and jerks her head at her telling her to continue. With a twirl and a bit of a jazz hand maneuver she pulls out a single keycard. Haseul forgot how to negotiate without words so it took her a whole plead case and a lot of crying to get the master key to the aquarium.  

Jinsoul questions it with her eyes so Haseul has to tell her, night in the aquarium. Jinsoul’s jaw drops after Haseul stops the motions of her hands. Haseul’s smile is so wide she can barely see out of her eyes as she hops over to Jinsoul, shoving the girl as she covers with a hand. They celebrate by spinning each other around like a couple of kids playing ring around the rosie. 

There, Haseul would tell the first person about her pain. Although she was smiling now, later tonight she would cry herself to sleep.

But right now all she could focus on was Jinsoul’s smile and sparkling eyes.  

Haseul’s goal in life? To make Jinsoul smile . 

Haseul was exceptionally good at her job.  

Jinsoul lifts her up into a hug and spins her around. They laugh, although it’s completely silent to one of them. But laughter was much more than a noise of happiness. It was something you couldn’t really control when you meant it.

Times like these Haseul will never forget how many times she’s faked a laugh, never again will she lie to someone like that.  

Once Jinsoul puts her down Haseul has to hold her breath when lips connect to hers. Jinsoul’s boots make her even taller so she has to tippy toe to even reach the girl, sneaking her arms around her shoulders to seek leverage.  

This kiss is enthusiastic, Haseul has a mental note of every type of kiss Jinsoul has ever given her and how they make her feel. Their first kiss was still separate from the rest of them because Haseul doesn’t think she’ll ever have a kiss like that from anyone else. They still go to the train station sometimes and sit all day just to capture that feeling, they still kiss there and it’s so different.

Haseul can’t describe that feeling in the least. So she doesn’t, she just knows it’s one of the greatest in the world.

But she can describe this one, it’s eager and full of desire. One that tells her she’s done a good thing by getting this key. One that says, I’ve missed these lips.  Some of Jinsoul’s kisses are slow and deep, ones that feel like lullabies. That soothe her and draw the blonde in a dreamy filter. Then there’s ones that take her breath away, her heart races to the rhythm of their lips as she tries to keep in the noises.  

It’s not like Jinsoul can feel the vibrations, or the heat of her body. But Jinsoul likes it when she holds back, because it makes her work harder to see the results.

This kiss is the latter, Haseul knows soon she’s not going to be able to handle standing on her feet for too much longer. Especially the way Jinsoul’s hands were gripping on her hips. Haseul had another language, she’s noticed it’s kinda hard to sign when you’re in a rush or when your mind is too numb to move your hands.

So she does the usually, three taps on the shoulder and a tug on Jinsoul’s lower lip. The blonde instantly knows, their bodies are in sync after all. Hence, the awkward stumble begins.

The supply closet is not an ideal place for making love, but they’ve found the stacks of paper towels comfortable from time to time.

It does help however, that Jinsoul is exceptionally good  at her job. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Since meeting Jinsoul, Haseul has learned to enjoy the little things.

Not everything is as annoying now. Kids are pretty interesting to watch, it’s crazy how fast emergency vehicles go, and it’s funny seeing people talk on cellphones, still making facial expressions as if the other person could see them.

The city was...something. Without paying attention to all its noise. Haseul’s discovered that there’s a lot of pretty things to look at, such as all the fountains. The lights that reflected off the skyscrapers. Although there was still one noise that Haseul didn’t mind, it was all the music.

Especially at night, the lights flashed off the miles of glass, and there were thousands of beats if you’d go far enough to listen.

Haseul smiles as she walks through the streets, she was meeting Jinsoul here in a minute to go into the aquarium that had closed a few hours ago.  

She was nervous to say the least. Haseul had something special planned. She’s been practicing all week. I love you was kinda hard in sign language.  

The wind blowing reminds her that Jinsoul could feel the same. She did show her the train station after all. What she found out to later be Jinsoul’s safe place.

Haseul several months ago would have been negative about it. Thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

But now she only thinks of all the possibilities.  

In a few months would be their seven month anniversary from the kiss, she’s known Jinsoul for almost a year now. Well she’s known known  her for a year, she watched Jinsoul for quite some time before ever interacting with her. 

R.I.P to Jinsoul’s fish fat Albert. He was a real one for introducing her to the love of her life.

It’s crazy how time flies when your content with how things are.  

Haseul used to hate her entire existence and in some hours. Especially late at night when the loneliness is the loudest, she still does.  

It was different now, she didn’t worry too much about her mistakes or failures. She was doing just fine really.  

Jiwoo puts out her first single 

Haseul listened to it...a lot. Because damn could the girl sing. But her heart kinda sunk when she watched an interview starring the red head. Jiwoo looked tired, way too tired. And the usually spark in those black eyes were dull. Jiwoo didn’t seem so perfect in the studio light.  

Yeah, Haseul was doing just fine.  

What would have happened if she had toughened up and stuck through with her dream when she was at her lowest. Well she probably would have looked more empty than Jiwoo did.  

Still, she thinks that she’ll never be able to sing again. It leaves a hole in her heart.

The thought leaves her however when she spots Jinsoul, in normal fashion. As gorgeous as ever leaned up against a brick building scrolling through her phone.

Dressed all in black, Haseul’s heart still thumps as loud as it did the first day she laid eyes on her. God she was so in love.  

Jinsoul from a distant glance oozed chic and city girl coldness. But as soon as her girlfriend spots her she’s reminded that the blonde is nothing but a goofball that was biological embodiment of a space heater.  

Haseul let’s put an oof when Jinsoul hugs her. The blonde is excited for their little date. The last three have been in the comfort of Haseul’s tiny apartment because Jinsoul enjoyed her couch and cuddles. Also her dog Dumpling who fell harder for the blonde than she did.  

Returning the hug with just as much passion she smiles as she takes in Jinsoul’s scent. It was fresh just like everything else about her. Although Jinsoul liked a routine, she was unpredictable.

Giving the girl a kiss for hello , she takes on of her hands and shoves it into her coat pocket. Haseul shakes around a little one handed sign language for small talk. They’ve become good enough to understand the half signs, it’s all become routine now. 

Hungry?  Haseul pats on her tummy. 

Jinsoul shakes her head.

How’s,  Haseul pokes her in the chest, day? 

Jinsoul smiles and throws her a thumbs up.

Haseul stops when the blonde leans over to bite at her ear, shoving Jinsoul away she eyes her. Jinsoul winks to show that she’s been thinking of her and it leaves a red blush all the way down .

Excited ? 

Like a kid Jinsoul swings their hands between them and nods her head. Haseul can only smile at her girlfriend. It was amazing how happy she could be all the time. So much that it was contagious.  

It’s comfortable, their love. It’s something not too intense or scary. But Haseul knows if it would go away, it would leave an immeasurable amount of pain.  

Like the day she knew she was falling in love with Jinsoul, she knew she’d never be able to forget her.  

Romance really was the sweetest medicine. But if not careful it could leave a nasty side effect.

So far with Jinsoul, she was the best dosage of love she’s ever gotten. And she wasn’t letting go of this hand for a long time.

In a perfect world, forever.   

The aquarium seems much more ominous in the dark. Haseul finds herself clinging to Jinsoul. The blonde doesn’t mind it though, if anything, she deeply enjoyed it.

Haseul snuggles into her side. Finding it attractive how Jinsoul was protecting her from the big baddies in glass cages. The tanks were still lit up and the area was all but blue. When they get to the shark tunnel. Haseul could almost say it was pretty . 

While usually, white fluorescent lights dulled out the intensity of the blue, in the darkness the blue was almost overbearing. Somehow, Haseul found herself relaxing in the hue.   

Glancing up to her love her heart drops to her stomach. Jinsoul has never looked so...breathtaking. It’s stuck in . The blue magnifies her features. The sharp edge of her jaw, the perfect shape of her cheeks.

The glow off of her eyes and the long curve of her lashes. Haseul has never found a nose this kissable. Jinsoul points up at the tank as a shark passes by, still keen on swimming late at night.

Haseul was too focused on the display beside her.

Jinsoul pulls away from her and walks up to the tank. Just the way Haseul first found her she leans against the glass.   

Tears almost sprung to her eyes, recalling all that time ago when Jinsoul was just an infatuation to her. Someone she knew nothing about, now while she knew Jinsoul like the back of her hand.

There was still things she learned about everyday.  

Sliding her way over she hugs her from behind and closes her eyes. Jinsoul doesn’t move, so they stay like that. Haseul doesn’t even know how long but she keeps Jinsoul in her hold because that’s what she knows best.

The next thing Jinsoul does scares her. It was like she was reading her thoughts now.  

Jinsoul stands in front of her after pushing her away. An expression on inquisition present on her face. Jinsoul’s not excited for some reason, even if in normal circumstances she should be. That’s why it scares Haseul. Jinsoul really was so observant.

Can you show me your favorite place here? 

Haseul understand the complex sentence and swallows hard. She could say no, but she knows Jinsoul would then pull her phone out to ask. Then she wouldn’t have an excuse and Jinsoul would know that there was a deep detachment to this place.

But there wasn’t, Haseul was stuck on this place.  

Often she’d tell Jinsoul she hated it here. Once upon a time she did. When her mother died, the first few months she wanted to break the glass that seemed to suffocate the animals. After some time she realized this was all she had.  

Something unchanging, stable. A memory she could always come back to without anyone tainting it.  

So Haseul it up and takes her there. First she was going to take her there anyways but after some nights of considering, Haseul planned not to. Of course though, Jinsoul had proven again that she’s no ordinary person.

Stepping into the room, it's almost completely dark. The only light comes from the creatures inside.

The jellyfish dome.  

Haseul smiles when she sees the glowing animals floating effortlessly through the dark waters above and all around them. Jinsoul makes a cute noise at the site of them.

She agrees, jellyfish were beautiful in their own way.  

Grabbing her chest, the constricting feeling settled in like it always did when she thought of this place, except she’s finally here.

Jinsoul’s features are barely visible. It’s just enough darkness to hide Haseul’s pain. And after some time she starts to talk, “This was my mother’s favorite place to come.” Haseul says out loud. Jinsoul is still shifting around the area only paying attention to the variety of glowing colors.

“She always though they were pretty, how they just float around without a care in the world. She often compared me to them.” Haseul continues. Her mother had once got her a dress made. That was designed similar to the form of a jellyfish. Her mom would call her, the little glowing princess. 

Haseul smiles and turns the opposite way to spot more of them. “Mom always thought this place also had great acoustics for singing, she’d bring me here to show me.” Pressing her hand up against the glass she can quite remember how her mother's voice echoed off of it.

“It’s where I learned to sing to…” Haseul chokes up then. It all comes flooding onto her, like the glass broke and all the water had gushed out and drowned her.

This was her first time talking about this. Ever, not any of the countless therapists she went to. Not her brothers that gave up on her after she started day drinking. Not any of her friends that didn’t know what to do.

But to a girl that didn’t have a clue to what she was saying.

Haseul considered it a first step. Because this was the first time she was saying out loud, to herself.   

One day she’ll really be able to tell Jinsoul. But for now this was good enough. One day, she’ll be able to introduce Jinsoul to her mother.  

“She died over four years ago,” Haseul’s fault.

She should have said yes. She should have not went to that dinner party. She should have been there for her mother.  

But she wasn’t.

Now she deals with the consequence of not being able to remember her voice.

“When it happened I was about to be signed to a label and start my career.” Haseul was the reality to someone like Jiwoo. The redhead was an expectation .  

Not everything goes perfectly.

But the way you handle a bump in the road is whether it’s a mistake or not.   

She didn’t go back, she didn’t sign the papers. Haseul dropped out of college and blocked the agents numbers. Because why on earth would she keep singing after that.  

The person who gave her this voice was gone. It was unfair.  

Haseul blames herself all the time. She hated the color blue she hated the goddamn aquarium she hated everything that reminded her of her mother.

Until she didn’t.

Now she clings onto it like a blanket you can’t let go off from your childhood. Something that has been torn apart by emotion. Now cherished with nostalgia and the good memories.  

“I miss her Jinsoul.”  

“She would have loved you.”

“Just as much as I do now.”

Haseul chokes out a sob, it’s finally released. How she wasn’t able to walk into this room until now because she’d get so sick she’d run to the bathroom to throw up. But it's a relief. That the pain is pouring out of her.

It’s comforting that no one hears her.

Peaceful, no one to listen to her cries. Because there’s nothing more unsettling to hear someone wail out. She’s glad Jinsoul is focused on the jellyfish.

It doesn’t last too long, however, because Jinsoul turns around and can see the reflection of the glow on her cheeks.  

Haseul tries to stop her but Jinsoul rushes over to pull her into a hug. Jinsoul may not be able to hear her cries but she can feel them.

How they rip through her and make her body tremble. How hard her hand is clenched onto the girl’s black coat. How weak her body is supported by the stronger one.  

Jinsoul is silent.  

But she does the unexpected, because despite having a routine, Jinsoul always was unpredictable.

Haseul’s cries stop when she hears her name, it’s almost unintelligible, slurred and mispronounced along with the other words. But it’s still words, coming out of Jinsoul’s mouth. The first time the girl has ever spoken to her and she replies with silence.

Jinsoul keeps repeating it and the forth time Haseul finally understands, “ Haseul please don’t cry.”   

Her voice is smooth and melodic.

Just like the color blue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In this AU Jinsoul lost her hearing due to a disease when she was young. So she remembers how letters sound but her pronunciation is way off and slurred.  

Also I think that sometimes if trauma causes you a lot of stress you forget things? So in this instance Haseul forgets her mom’s voice.