Fu Jing likes Xuanyi. Everybody knows this. Fu Jing likes Xuanyi as more than a friend. Almost nobody knows this. In fact, she’s nearly positive there are exactly three people who do: herself, Yandi, who she tells basically everything to, and Meiqi.

The last one isn’t her choice.

 

“You should really be more careful,” Meiqi says conversationally one day.

“What? My waist is no big deal, I’ve been using a heat pad on it.”

“I don’t mean that, but you should really get that checked out. I mean Xuanyi.”

Fu Jing’s blood runs cold. “What about Xuanyi?”

“You’re being really obvious, you know,” Meiqi says, matter-of-fact. “Anyone with two eyes can see that yours never leave her.”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Fu Jing, it’s me. You don’t have to lie to me. If you can’t be honest with someone who’s in the same boat as you, who can you be honest with?”

In the same boat as her?

Fu Jing’s throat goes dry. “You mean you…you and Xuanyi too?”

“There is no me and Xuanyi,” Meiqi says. “There never will be. I don’t want to be cruel, but it’s the same for you. You should try to accept it earlier.”

She pats Fu Jing on the shoulder, and then her hand slides down to rub Fu Jing’s waist, right where it’s the most tender. Fu Jing lets out an involuntary sound, whether of pain or relief she can’t even tell.

Meiqi frowns. “You should really get that looked at or you’ll aggravate it even more. If you don’t want to get managers involved, I’ll go with you to a clinic tonight after our schedule.”

“I’m fine,” Fu Jing says in a voice that couldn’t be less fine. “I don’t need your help.”

“Suit yourself,” Meiqi says, raising her eyebrows. “I’m just saying – if you hurt yourself worse because you don’t want to go to a doctor, you’ll affect the group. You’re an important part of our choreography, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Not as important as you, Fu Jing thinks, but that’s how it is. She was tenth and Meiqi first. There is almost the entire group between them. Meiqi is the one who is beside Xuanyi, in every sense, not just #1 and #2, but fellow Yuehua artists, Cosmic Girls members, years of friendship spanning from trainee days binding them together. Fu Jing is just the newcomer who got to spend a summer by Xuanyi’s side.

“Xuanyi is already concerned,” Meiqi adds casually.

Fu Jing swallows. “You mean about my waist, right?” A second later, “She talks to you about me?”

“Let’s go to the clinic tonight,” is all Meiqi says.

Fu Jing grits her teeth. “Fine.”

 

“It’s a good thing you got this checked out today,” the doctor says. “It could have turned a lot more serious if you didn’t pay attention. You have to get a lot of rest, and make sure to refrain from physically exerting activities.”

“Does, uh, dancing fall under that?”

“Yes,” he says mildly. “I wouldn’t advise any workouts that use your back or core muscles either.”

“Did you hear that?” Meiqi says. “No abs training for you. Get some rest.”

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I can’t exactly just lie in bed and do nothing,” Fu Jing mutters.

“Doctor, can you tell her she needs to rest up or she’ll actually end up bedridden? Trust me,” Meiqi adds, “it’s not fun.”

Fu Jing suddenly remembers the time Meiqi had hurt her ankle and hadn’t been able to promote with them for almost a month. That wasn’t a good time, and not just because they had to re-learn the choreography for ten people.

“For the sake of yourself and your friends, please take care of your health,” the doctor says. “And for your many fans too.”

At this point, Fu Jing isn’t even surprised to be recognized. It’s happened so many times that the sheen has worn off. The first few times, she was beyond flattered, amazed that there are people who recognize them on the street, at the park, in the mall, even without makeup, people who follow them around, who scream when they look back and wave, who are delighted to merely be in their vicinity.

This was quite a shock for the twenty-three-year old who had been working as a yoga instructor to pay her bills not so long ago. Now, however, it’s merely…her life.

“My daughter’s a huge fan,” he says. “Can I have an autograph for her?”

Meiqi smiles. “Of course.” She takes the little paper pad he holds out, and starts writing not only her signature but a message, complete with hearts and even a little rocket drawing. Of course, she’s had a lot more practice with this sort of thing than Fu Jing. Both she and Xuanyi have.

“Fu Jing? Are you going to sign?” Meiqi holds out the paper to her, and she takes it automatically. Meiqi starts asking the doctor about heating pads and medicine, and Fu Jing returns her attention to the autograph. Her fans say that she has nice handwriting, and she’s pretty proud of it but she has to concentrate to write that way.

“Here you go.” Fu Jing hands the pad back to the doctor. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you. My daughter got mad at me because I didn’t manage to buy her tickets to your last concert. I think I’ll finally get her forgiveness.”

Meiqi laughs. “I’m sure she won’t hold a grudge. Thank you, have a good night.”

“Have a good night,” Fu Jing echoes, as Meiqi loops an arm through hers and leads her away from the building. As soon as they’re outside, Fu Jing shakes her arm off. She doesn’t do it to be petty; she’s just not used to Meiqi suddenly being so touchy with her. Anyway, Meiqi doesn’t look offended or anything.

“We should go to the drugstore and pick up some muscle relaxants for you,” Meiqi says. “Maybe some painkillers too. I think we’re out of the kind that’s good for muscle pain.”

“Since when were you so concerned about my well-being?”

“I’ve always cared about your well-being,” Meiqi says calmly. “I know we’re not as close as you and Chaoyue or me and Yamy, but we’re still friends, aren’t we?”

Fu Jing suddenly feels guilty. “We are. Friends.”

“So, what’s strange about a friend being concerned her friend is going to throw her waist out? Especially when it’s such a nice waist.”

Fu Jing rolls her eyes. “If you want to see a nice waist, all you have to do is look in the mirror. Plus, you actually have something to look at between your neck and waist.”

“Have you been sneaking some peeks?” Meiqi teases, and Fu Jing snipes back, “You wish.”

They chat lightly and bicker some more on their way to the drugstore and then home. She feels oddly better once they arrive back at the dorm.

“Hey, Meiqi,” she says as they’re waiting for the elevator.

“Yeah?” Meiqi says absently, eyes on her phone.

“Thank you.”

Meiqi looks up. “For what?” she says, like she hadn’t done anything.

“For…you know. Everything. Taking me to the clinic. Getting the medicine with me.”

“It’s no big deal. You’d do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”

Would she?

…

…

…

Yeah, she probably would.

 

“I don’t know, she’s been really odd, I don’t know what she wants. What do you think, Didi?” Fu Jing finishes explaining the situation with Meiqi. Yandi’s expression on the other side of the webcam is thoughtful, not quite surprised or unsurprised.

“I mean, this is Meiqi. She may be headstrong about what she wants but she isn’t manipulative.”

“That’s true. Maybe I’m being too hard on her.”

“You see her as a rival, don’t you?”

“Well, considering how I don’t think Xuanyi would go for either of us—”

“I don’t mean like that. Well, not just like that. I think you’ve always set yourself against Meiqi, even in the show. Remember when you went up against her? You two are kind of alike, and I think you’ve always seen her as a kind of measuring stick.”

“Well, if so then obviously I don’t measure up,” Fu Jing says with a bitter chuckle.

“Don’t say that,” Yandi chides. “If you don’t measure up, what does it mean for me? I didn’t even make the group.”

“Your acting career is taking off, you’re getting success your way.”

“And you are too. We’re not in the show anymore, Laofu, so you can stop ranking yourself against the people around you. Especially against your own group members.”

Fu Jing lets out a sigh. “You’re right. It’s just…”

“You can do it,” Yandi says. “I know you can. I know you, you’re your own worst enemy, but you can win this battle. You just have to believe in yourself. And, I know, I know, it’s easier said than done, but I’m working on it too, okay? You’re not alone.”

Fu Jing gives a genuine smile. “Thanks, Didi.”

“Anytime. And about Meiqi…”

“Yeah?”

“I think you should just ask her what she wants. Be straightforward. You might be surprised at her answer.”

Fu Jing nods and absorbs it. She doesn’t promise she’ll do it because she doesn’t make promises she can’t keep, and Yandi knows that and says nothing more about it.

“Didi, you know, you really are the best.”

“You’ve only told me a hundred times or so,” Yandi says with a laugh.

“Now, tell me about this upcoming drama of yours,” Fu Jing urges. “Three guys battling for your heart! Are any of them winning?”

“Well,” Yandi starts, and Fu Jing is all ears.

 

“How’s your waist?” Meiqi asks.

“It’s a bit better. Do you want to assess for yourself?”

“Well, I’m no physiotherapist,” Meiqi says wryly, and she keeps her hands to herself this time. Fu Jing almost feels disappointed. “I trust that you know your own body. I’m glad you feel better.”

“I didn’t say I feel better, I said my waist feels better.”

Meiqi’s eyebrows draw together. “So how do you feel?”

“Confused,” Fu Jing admits. “About you.”

“Me?” Meiqi points to herself, like Fu Jing could be talking about someone else. “I think I’m pretty straightforward.”

“Yeah, Yandi basically said that too.”

“You talked to Yandi about me?” Meiqi sounds amused and—something else. Something that puts Fu Jing on edge but not in a bad way.

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to talk to Chaoyue or Zining or—”

“Or Xuanyi?” Meiqi says knowingly.

“Leave Xuanyi out of it,” Fu Jing bites out.

“All I did was say her name. Am I not allowed to even do that now? She is one of my closest friends, you know.”

“I know,” Fu Jing says, and suddenly all the fight drains out of her. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I feel like I’m all tense and bothered, and I don’t even know why.”

“But that’s exactly what I want,” Meiqi says, and suddenly she’s leaning in, crowding Fu Jing against the wall.

“Huh?” Fu Jing manages, her voice coming out high and breathless.

“I want to get you all tense and bothered.” Meiqi is shorter than Fu Jing, but she’s wearing platform sneakers and Fu Jing slippers, so they’re about the same height. “And I want to know that I’m the one who did that to you. Not Chaoyue, not Zining and definitely not Xuanyi.”

“Why are you—” Why are you bringing her up again, Fu Jing wants to ask, or maybe simply Why are you doing this, but Meiqi’s mouth over her own effectively cuts off any possibility of asking a question.

Fu Jing completely freezes up for a second, two, three, and then somehow, without full conscious realization, she’s kissing Meiqi back. Meiqi’s lips are soft but firm, purposeful, and when her tongue flits along the seam of Fu Jing’s lips, asking for permission, Fu Jing opens , lets her in.

The next little while, maybe only thirty seconds, maybe much longer than that, is lost in a haze of heat and movement and oh my god Meng Meiqi is kissing me.

Suffice to say, this is not how she envisioned her first kiss with another group member would go.

 

“Why did you do that?” Fu Jing asks, afterwards, her voice coming out small and, she hates it, weak.

“Because,” Meiqi says, “I wanted to kiss you.”

“That’s it?”

“Does there need to be a deeper reason? I’m afraid I’m not hopelessly in love with you, if that’s the answer you were looking for.”

Fu Jing glares at her. “I’m not hopelessly in love with you either.”

“Good,” Meiqi chuckles. “That would make things complicated.”

“And they’re not complicated already?”

“They don’t have to be, right?” Meiqi blinks at her. “I mean, you kissed me back. Shouldn’t I ask you why you did that?”

“I-I just…” Fu Jing bites her lip. “I don’t know why I did it. I just—responded to you, I guess.”

“I mean, it was a pretty enthusiastic response.”

Fu Jing’s face heats up. “Yeah, and if you keep talking like that, it’ll be an enthusiastic response in the form of a slap to the face the next time.”

“So there’ll be a next time?” Meiqi asks, with a twinkle in her eyes.

“I didn’t say that.” Fu Jing turns her face to the side. “You still didn’t give me a real reason as to why you kissed me.”

“Fu Jing. Can you look at me?” She feels fingers under her chin, cool and gentle, tipping her face up and around until they lock eyes. Meiqi’s are dark, solemn, the twinkle gone and something almost like worry in its place. “I told you the real reason – I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you, Fu Jing, our badao zongcai, Gouzi’s mom.” Fu Jing lets out a startled laugh at that. “I wasn’t thinking of anyone else when I was kissing you, and I wouldn’t in the future either. Trust me, okay?”

“Okay,” Fu Jing says, her voice small again for a different reason. This time, however, it isn’t weak.

“Okay.” And Meiqi smiles, not her charismatic stage smile but her soft private one. “If I try to kiss you again, will you slap me?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you give it a shot?”

Meiqi does, and Fu Jing responds. With , that is, not with her hand, although her hand does join in by threading in Meiqi’s hair and pulling her closer.

So, it turns out that being straightforward was a pretty good idea after all. Not bad for a word with ‘straight’ in its name.

 

“Dad, are you cheating on Mom?” Chaoyue says one day apropos of nothing.

Fu Jing freezes. “What are you talking about?”

Chaoyue grins. “I feel like you have someone special in your life. Who is it? Does Mom know?”

“Ha ha,” Fu Jing forces out. “That’s very funny.”

“Is it Uncle Meng?” Chaoyue asks, and Fu Jing knows she’s just teasing but that was uncomfortably close to the truth. Not that Meiqi is ‘someone special’ in her life, she’s just…Meiqi and yeah, they kiss quite a bit and there’s been some…action now too and Fu Jing finds herself telling Meiqi more about her day and the solo song they’re pitching her and the conversation she had with her older sister the other day. Okay so she and Meiqi are definitely closer than they were before, but it doesn’t mean anything. For all Fu Jing knows, Meiqi’s just bored and wants a distraction and thought Fu Jing would do.

“Uh, Fu Jing?” Chaoyue asks. She’s using Fu Jing’s name, which means that she’s more serious now. “Are you here?”

“Yeah,” Fu Jing says, pushing down her thoughts. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“Never mind,” Chaoyue says, giving her a look like she thinks Fu Jing is out of her mind but it isn’t worth commenting on. “Hey, can you help me with the new choreo?”

“Sure, anything for my baby,” Fu Jing croons, pinching Chaoyue’s cheek and ignoring her disgruntled expression. “You’re buying me dinner after this though.”

“It’s our comeback. Shouldn’t you be watching your weight? You know, I noticed your legs are thicker than they were before.”

“It’s muscle, thank you very much,” Fu Jing says indignantly.

“Yeah? Then how come your is as flat as ever?”

“Come back here, Yang Chaoyue!” Fu Jing hollers, as Chaoyue takes off and she runs after her, intent on teaching her a lesson.

Kids these days. She pities actual parents.

 

Meiqi insists on giving Fu Jing a massage for her waist, which is almost fully recovered, and well, Fu Jing isn’t going to turn down a free massage, especially since she knows what magic Meiqi can work with her hands.

Ahem, in a purely therapeutic way, of course.

“How does that feel?” Meiqi says, as she kneads a particularly tough knot, and Fu Jing can’t help the moan she lets out. She can’t see Meiqi’s face, and maybe that’s for the better because she’s sure her own is turning red. “You’re really wound up.”

“Isn’t that how you like me?”

“Well, at the beginning, yeah, I thought it was fun to wind you up a bit, but I don’t want to stress you out. We have enough stressors in our lives, we don’t need any more.”

“You don’t stress me out,” Fu Jing says, even though she had a little internal freak out over them and whatever’s going on between them just this morning.

“You sound very convincing,” Meiqi says, as she grinds the heel of her hand into a sensitive spot right between Fu Jing’s shoulder blades. Fu Jing actually yelps, reminding herself of Gouzi, and Meiqi tsks.

“Aren’t you supposed to be massaging my waist? You haven’t even gotten anywhere near there yet.”

“I’m working my way down,” Meiqi says, and it’s an innocuous enough statement but Fu Jing feels her face fill with heat. “Your waist is not the only part of your body that needs attention.”

“…you’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Doing what?” Meiqi says innocently.

Fu Jing abruptly sits up, clutching the towel to her body, and spins around to face Meiqi. “You’re telling me you put us in a dark room with candles and music and scented oil and all you want to do is give me a massage?”

“I mean, if all you want is a massage, all I’ll give you is one.”

“And if I want more?” Fu Jing drops her voice, and then her towel.

Meiqi keeps her eyes on Fu Jing’s. “Are you sure?”

“I think you’ll find that there are other parts of my body that require attention,” Fu Jing takes Meiqi’s hand and works its way down, and she sees Meiqi’s eyes darken.

In the end, she probably ends up straining her waist more than healing it, but she has no regrets.

 

At this point, Fu Jing can’t deny that there’s Something between them, worthy of a capital s. She doesn’t know what to call it, or if she even wants to give it a label. They’re not girlfriends, that’s for sure, but she wouldn’t call them friends with benefits either. She doesn’t know what to call them, or Meiqi, except sometimes when she sees Meiqi playing with Gouzi, who obeys her more than Fu Jing; or when Meiqi puts on one of Fu Jing’s over-large dress shirts and it’s even bigger on her, skimming her thighs like a dress; or when Meiqi grins at her and teases her about something, often followed by a playful elbow or nudge…

Well, during those moments she has a thought rather like mine. The possessiveness behind it startles even herself a little. She’s careful not to show it around Meiqi, but she’s never been very good at pretending. She has a feeling that Meiqi picks up on her hooded glances, her lingering touches, but Meiqi never says anything. For that matter, Fu Jing catches Meiqi looking at her, reaching for her in similar ways, all without saying anything about it.

They’ve always been rather alike. It figures that they’d be the same in this regard too.

 

Still, whether for better or for worse, Fu Jing has always been rather taken with labels. Banana Entertainment Trainee Fu Jing, Produce 101 Contestant Fu Jing, Rocket Girls Member Fu Jing. She likes having those words to affirm what she is, even if they can’t affirm who she is.

“What is this?” Fu Jing gasps as Meiqi’s mouth finds her neck. Meiqi knows that her neck is one of her erogenous zones.

“This?” Meiqi lifts her head; her eyes are dark and hooded, full of promises that Fu Jing knows she’ll collect on. “This is called making out. And this…” She lifts her knee, and it presses against a very sensitive spot, tearing a moan from Fu Jing’s throat. “…is called no more talking.”

It’s hard to argue with that.

 

Meiqi nudges her in the side. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” Fu Jing says automatically.

“It’s definitely not nothing.” Meiqi studies her. “Come on, fess up.”

“Yeah, I feel really motivated to spill my guts now.”

Meiqi looks at her through her lashes. “Please?” she breathes, and Fu Jing’s mind goes blank, not just because of the expression but because it’s so unlike Meiqi.

“Okay, if you’re going to try the alluring expression route, why don’t you put on something y and try again?”

“Ugh, you’re such a zhinan^[1],” Meiqi groans, flopping back against the couch.

“You’re one to talk.”

Meiqi leers at her playfully. “If you want to put something y on and ask me a favour, go ahead.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but the iest outfit I own is a swimsuit.”

“Is it a bikini?” Meiqi asks after a beat, and Fu Jing snorts.

“Who’s the zhinan now?”

Meiqi nudges her again, and then once more, until Fu Jing grabs her by the arms. “Don’t make me put you into a headlock.”

“I’m the one banging my elbow against your abs. I think I’m going to get bruises at this rate.”

“What abs? I’ve basically lost all the definition in my stomach,” Fu Jing grumbles. “Somebody keeps distracting me when I’m trying to work out.”

“I asked you to work out with me twice this week and you said you were busy.”

“I was busy, it was my Sanmao watching time. I can’t give up that time for anybody, not even you.”

“Even me?” Meiqi repeats, a sparkle in her eyes. “I feel really special.”

“Don’t test it,” Fu Jing mutters, but the corners of are pulling up.

“You’re feeling better now, then?”

Fu Jing hesitates. “It’s my sister. She’s sick and if it were before I’d go home to take care of her but.” She shrugs, and Meiqi’s expression softens.

“I’m sorry,” Meiqi says gently. “Is she going to be okay?”

“Well, it’s not super serious but it’s not just a mild cold either. She’s going to have to stay in the hospital for a while. And our parents live far away so she’ll be alone a lot of that time.” Fu Jing bites her lip. “She always took care of me and now that it’s my time to take care of her, I can’t do that. It’s just.”

“Unfair? That’s our lives. The highs are very high but the lows are very low too.”

“I shouldn’t complain,” Fu Jing says, eyes down. “I know I’m really lucky. A lot of people would trade a limb for what we have.”

“Would they really? If they truly lived through weeks, months, years of it? It’s easy to say your waist doesn’t hurt while standing up^[2].”

“Well, my waist hurts in any position anyway so.”

“It still does?” Meiqi says, sounding alarmed. “We should go back to the clinic. Well, they’re probably closed for the day. Tomorrow, then. Do you have your hot compress? Do you want some painkillers?”

“I’m just joking, Meiqi,” Fu Jing laughs, but almost without her volition, her hand finds its way to Meiqi’s. “I’m fine.”

“You really are?” Meiqi asks meaningfully, threading her fingers between Fu Jing’s.

“I am,” Fu Jing confirms, and squeezes.

 

My parents are going to go over and take care of my sister. As soon as Fu Jing gets the news, she texts Meiqi. And she’s doing better already.

Good, Meiqi sends back almost immediately, even though Fu Jing knows she’s in the middle of filming. I’m sure she’s touched at how much you’re worrying, but you can worry less now.

Yeah. Thanks for listening to me earlier.

Of course. You can always talk to me, Meiqi replies, and Fu Jing’s heart feels a squeeze. I have to go now tho :( Filming waits for no one.

Okay, go wow them! Shanzhi for the win.

You’re so silly, Meiqi writes, followed by a Thanks :)

Fu Jing texts back a row of pig faces in reply.

“What are you grinning like an idiot about?” Chaoyue wants to know.

“You mean, grinning like you?”

“You wish your smile was as beautiful as mine,” Chaoyue says, unruffled. “I get that from my mom, not you.”

Fu Jing gets a laugh out of that. “And how has your mom been lately?” she asks, trying for a casual tone. Judging by Chaoyue’s narrowed eyes, she doesn’t fall for it.

“Why don’t you just ask her? Don’t do the making your kids be the middleman thing if you want a divorce.”

“I don’t want a divorce, I just—” Fu Jing breaks off. She has no idea how to finish that sentence anyway. “Anyway, she’s been so busy I rarely see her.”

“I rarely see her either. I always get stuck with you for some reason.” Chaoyue is really laying on the expression of disdain.

“Please, it’s a privilege to be ‘stuck’ with me.”

“Why don’t you go inflict that privilege on Xuanyi then?” Chaoyue isn’t using “Mom” anymore, Fu Jing notices, and there’s a crinkle of concern in her forehead.

“Xuanyi and I…are going through something.” Fu Jing reaches out and pats Chaoyue’s head, like she really is a child. “Don’t worry about it, we don’t want to get the kids involved.”

“Did you do something? Is it your torrid affair with Uncle Meng?”

“My…what?” Fu Jing asks, almost choking.

Chaoyue puts a hand on her arm and looks at her very seriously. “You know, if you want to remarry, that’s okay with me. I want you to pursue what’s right for you. Don’t worry so much about other people. You deserve to be happy.”

“I—” Fu Jing is too floored to talk. Chaoyue had preceded her talk with light-hearted teasing, but Fu Jing gets the feeling that she was being completely serious and meant more than she said. It’s typical Chaoyue, to disguise sentiment behind humour. Fu Jing is like that too. “Chaoyue. Thank you.” It comes out almost like a question.

“Anytime.” Chaoyue smiles at her. “Consider that your Father’s Day present for this year.”

“Hey, Yang Chaoyue, don’t be so cheap!”

 

Fu Jing makes up her mind. She has a feeling that if she never tries to step out of this no man’s land, to pass this place of limbo, Meiqi wouldn’t either. They would just remain as what they are, whatever that is, for the foreseeable future. It’s not a bad place, certainly, but it’s not what it could be either. And if Fu Jing wants things to change, she’s going to have to do it herself.

Meiqi had taken the lead this whole time. Now it’s Fu Jing’s turn.

“Meiqi. I need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Meiqi says, looking unsurprised.

Fu Jing tugs at the collar of her shirt, feeling awkward, uncomfortable in her own skin in a way she hasn’t in a long time, whether on or offstage. “Is this just some kind of twisted competition?”

Meiqi blinks. “What?”

“Because of Xuanyi. Because you know I—and I know you—but neither of us…” Fu Jing trails off, biting her lip.

And Meiqi…laughs. “Is that what you think this is?”

“Don’t laugh at me!” Fu Jing whines. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you here.”

Meiqi’s expression sobers. “Maybe it was, at first,” she concedes, “but it hasn’t been for a long time, at least not for me.” She searches Fu Jing’s face. “Is it for you?”

“No,” Fu Jing says honestly. “I wouldn’t want something like that.”

“But you want this?” Meiqi asks quietly, and there is more insecurity in her voice than Fu Jing has ever heard from her.

Meiqi has always seemed so confident, so sure of what she wants and ready to seize it. In many ways, Fu Jing has always envied her, this girl who’s more than three years younger than her and yet more assured, more poised, more capable of taking on the world. She envied her for her friendship with Xuanyi too, for those years in Yuehua and Starship dorms that Fu Jing would never get to have. Somehow, throughout this time, that envy has naturally tapered into its healthier relative, admiration and, alongside that, pride. Meiqi is no longer merely her bandmate or even rival but has turned much more dear to her than Fu Jing would ever have thought, more dear, even, than Xuanyi, if in a different way.

“Of course I want this.” And as Fu Jing says it, she feels surer than ever. Sure of herself, of Meiqi, of what is happening between them. “I want you.”

“Well,” Meiqi says, starting to smile. “You have me.”

 

Fu Jing shouldn’t really be surprised when Xuanyi corners her one day and asks, “Fu Jing, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Uh, sure,” Fu Jing says as she follows Xuanyi into an empty practice room. She doesn’t feel like she really has a choice.

“You and Meiqi,” Xuanyi starts, and Fu Jing’s heart goes through a motion akin to a roller coaster. Xuanyi breaks off and looks expectantly at her, like she’s waiting for Fu Jing to finish her sentence. Fu Jing just stares back dumbly.

Xuanyi smiles. “So I see there is a you and Meiqi.”

Fu Jing finds her voice. “I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t deny it.”

“You didn’t even say anything! You just said our names together.”

Xuanyi tilts her head to the side. “Am I wrong, then?”

“It’s not something official. We’re just… There is a we.”

Xuanyi nods like she had received the answer she had been waiting to hear. “Is she good to you?” she asks, and Fu Jing replies, “Yeah, of course” before she even has a chance to think about it. She doesn’t need to.

“Are you good to her?” Xuanyi continues.

Fu Jing scratches the back of her head. “I mean… I think so? I try to be. Nobody has tried to kill me yet so.”

Xuanyi laughs. “Who would try to kill you?”

“I don’t know, you? We all know that the Shanzhi Dage^[4] thing is just a nickname, you should be… I don’t know, Renyi Dajie^[5] or something.”

“Renyi Dajie,” Xuanyi repeats, looking like she can barely keep a straight face. “I can’t say I’ve ever been called that before.”

“That’s me, always putting a new spin on things.”

“That’s you,” Xuanyi agrees, soft, a smile halfway between warm and teasing on her face, but it disappears all too quickly. “Fu Jing, don’t sell yourself short. You already do enough of that as an idol, don’t do it as a girlfriend too.”

“I don’t—what do you—we’re not girlfriends.”

Xuanyi sighs. “Okay well, whatever you are, don’t underrate yourself, and don’t let Meiqi do it either. Meiqi’s lucky to have you, and you’re lucky to have her.”

“I know that,” Fu Jing says, quieter now, mostly agreeing to the second point.

“I don’t know who I should ask to take care of whom, but I know I don’t need to ask. You’ll take care of each other.” Xuanyi looks at her very intently for a moment, and once such a look would have made Fu Jing’s heart threaten to beat out of her chest, but her heart feels more secure now, anchored in place. “I can tell she makes you happy, and you make her happy. That’s everything I could hope for.”

“For some reason, I thought you were going to lead up a scary talk, like ‘hurt Meiqi and I’ll make you regret it,’” Fu Jing jokes.

“Would I scare you?” Xuanyi smiles in that way of hers. “Maybe I’m saving that talk for Meiqi.”

“What, you think she’ll hurt me?”

“I think…maybe you’ve both been hurt and you found solace in each other.” Xuanyi’s expression is soft but solemn. “For what it’s worth, Jing, I’m sorry if I hurt you. I wanted to say it before but. Anyway, I hope it’s not too late.”

Fu Jing’s mind is whirling. She knows she can be dense but it’s obvious even to her that Xuanyi is saying she’s aware of Fu Jing’s feelings, has been aware of them for who knows how long. And, for that matter, of Meiqi’s feelings too.

“Are you going to tell Meiqi that?”

“I think she already knows.”

“So it’s just me out of the loop again,” Fu Jing says, with a hint of bitterness she can’t help.

“Hey,” Xuanyi says gently. “It’s not like that. I’m sure she didn’t mean to keep it from you. If anything, you should be mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“I should have talked to you earlier. At one point, with you and Meiqi, I was…worried. But it turns out I didn’t need to be. I’m very happy to be wrong in this case.”

“You were worried we were using each other as a substitute for you?” Fu Jing translates. “I mean, that’d be a pretty terrible substitute. Meiqi is nothing like you. And I’m not either. If anything, we’re more like each other.” She makes a face. “That makes it sound like I’m some narcissist who wants to date myself or something.”

Xuanyi laughs. “I don’t think that’s something you have to worry about. You have many problems but being a narcissist isn’t one of them.”

“Hey!” Fu Jing protests. “What do you mean I have ma—”

Xuanyi holds out her arms. “Hug?”

Fu Jing very pointedly gives Xuanyi a miffed look, but still steps into her embrace. Xuanyi folds her arms around her and her hair with one hand the way she used to but hasn’t in a while. She must have been distancing herself for Fu Jing’s sake. She’s glad Xuanyi isn’t anymore. The hug feels—good, but simply, wholesomely so, not like before, when she ached for Xuanyi’s attention, when being away from her hurt but being around her hurt too. She’s relieved, happy they can move past that, that their friendship won’t fall apart the way she feared.

Of course, that’s when Meiqi walks in.

 

“It’s not what it looks like,” Fu Jing says hurriedly. “She just wanted a hug after she said I’m not a narcissist. I mean, after we had a heart-to-heart. But not that kind of heart-to-heart, we were just—”

“It’s okay,” Meiqi interrupts her, sounding amused. “You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s not like you need my permission to hug someone.” There’s no sting in her words, no jealousy, and Fu Jing goes from panic to something oddly like disappointment in a few seconds.

“But…it’s Xuanyi.”

“I know. I saw her.”

“You’re not jealous?”

“Do you want me to be jealous?”

“No,” Fu Jing says, but the word sounds oddly false on her lips. She takes a breath. “Xuanyi knows, about my past feelings for her. And yours too.”

“I know she knows,” Meiqi says, “and she knows I know she knows. Geez, this is starting to sound like some kind of middle school game.”

“I know,” Fu Jing says quietly, “that it’s not a game.”

Meiqi’s eyes soften. “You said past feelings,” she says. “Your past feelings for Xuanyi.”

“Uh…yeah?”

“You don’t have them anymore? Not at all?”

Fu Jing thinks about it for a moment, because she wants to give an absolutely honest answer to Meiqi. She deserves that. “Maybe I still feel a tiny something for her, maybe I always will. But that doesn’t matter.”

“Because she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Because I have you,” Fu Jing says, “and you’re not a substitute, you’re not a replacement, you’re not a backup. You’re the one I want, you’re the meng^[3] of my life.”

Meiqi swats Fu Jing, but it’s gentle, and her eyes have gone all soft, fond. “You’re so lame,” she says. “I can’t believe we have fans who think you’re some cool goddess.”

“Hey, excuse you, I am totally a cool goddess and you’re lucky you get to come home to this cool goddess.”

“Yeah, yeah. Remind me to pray to you next time.”

“Plus, I could say the same to you…” Fu Jing leans in and breathes into Meiqi’s ear in her silkiest voice. “…Qiqi.” She sees the tips of Meiqi’s ears turn red, a tell she’s never been able to control.

“Let’s,” Meiqi starts, and Fu Jing doesn’t even need her to finish the sentence as she meets Meiqi with a searing kiss.

 

Fu Jing tries to ignore the looks she’s receiving as she and Meiqi walk into dance practice together, on time by the skin of their teeth because they had overslept due to being tired from…certain strenuous activities. She’s pretty sure her hair is somewhere between “I just rolled out of bed” and “baby birds may be roosting in this nest.” Meiqi doesn’t look much better, but her back has started acting up again and so Fu Jing had a hand on the small of it, surreptitiously supporting her.

“Sorry,” she says. “We’re still on time, right?”

“You are,” Yamy says. “Just on the dot.” Fu Jing doesn’t understand her smirk until she says, “Felt like exchanging your wardrobe?”

Belatedly, Fu Jing glances down and realizes that she’s wearing Meiqi’s shirt and Meiqi is wearing hers. They must have grabbed each other’s by mistake while they were rushing to get dressed.

“It’s good to try something new,” Fu Jing finds herself saying, and then promptly wants to slap herself.

“Yep,” is Meiqi’s helpful contribution, followed by a large yawn.

“Are you sleepy, Meiqi?” Chaoyue asks innocently, and Meiqi is about to reply when she adds, “Laofu tired you out?” There is nothing innocent about her subsequent smile.

“Chaoyue,” Fu Jing starts in a warning voice.

“Aren’t you tired yourself, Chaoyue,” Xuanyi says mildly. “You were up all night gaming with Yihan. Or trying to teach her how to game, I should say.”

“She’s really bad, okay, she needs somebody to teach her or she just dies in three seconds.”

“You never have any patience to teach me,” Sunnee says with a hurt face.

“You’re a lost cause,” Chaoyue sniffs. “You’re a disgrace to the House of Yang.”

“Hey—”

“Now, now, kids,” Yamy raises her voice. “Are we here to bicker or have a dance practice?”

“Why not both?” Chaoyue says.

“Fine then, next time you need help with dancing don’t come to me,” Fu Jing says, and Chaoyue gives her a pout that really does make her look like a child.

“Okay, okay, I’m ready,” Chaoyue says, getting into a pose that looks more like she’s ready to start a fight scene than dance.

Yamy rolls her eyes but it’s more fond than anything. “You guys good, Meiqi, Fu Jing?”

“Yep,” Meiqi says again, more energetically this time, getting into her dance mode, spine straightening, muscles coiling, expression focusing. Fu Jing can’t help the way her eyes linger on her.

“Whenever you’re done checking out Meiqi, Fu Jing,” Yamy says dryly.

“Didn’t you do enough of that last night?” Chaoyue hollers.

The practice has to be put on hold so the other members can hold Fu Jing back from strangling Chaoyue.

 

Meiqi is helping Aojuan with a move and Yamy with Chaoyue during the break, and Xuanyi approaches Fu Jing.

“You shouldn’t get so mad at Chaoyue, she’s just trying to rile you up. I feel like I can see your blood pressure skyrocketing.”

“Do you have any BP lowering medicine?”

“Unfortunately not.” Xuanyi smiles. “Maybe you should save this fervour for whatever you were doing earlier.”

“Not you too,” Fu Jing groans. “Are you and Chaoyue just going to do this whole wink wink nudge nudge thing from now on?”

“Like you wouldn’t do it to her and Yihan.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Fu Jing says emphatically. “I don’t want to think about Chaoyue doing anything above PG-13. Ever.”

“You really do sound like a protective dad,” Xuanyi laughs. “Are you going to get out the rifle for anyone who dares to court her?”

“Please, I’d pray for the poor soul Chaoyue sets her eyes on.” Fu Jing gives Xuanyi a sidelong glance. “Is there really something going on between her and Yihan?”

“Why don’t you ask Chaoyue?”

“Like she’d give me a straight answer.”

“I don’t think the answer is straight here.”

Fu Jing can’t help but laugh at that. “When did your sense of humour turn so dad-like, Laoxuan?”

“Maybe I got it from you,” Xuanyi says with a smile. “You look happy,” she suddenly says. “Both of you. I’m glad.”

“Thanks,” Fu Jing says quietly, no longer embarrassed to hear it. “In an odd way, none of this could have happened without you.”

“I don’t think I can take any credit, but if there’s anything I can do, now or in the future, just let me know.”

“Okay,” Fu Jing says, thinking about how odd it is for her ex-crush offering to help her in her relationship with someone for whom she was also an ex-crush. Or well, it should be odd, but it isn’t, somehow.

“What about you, Laoxuan? Is there anyone you’re eyeing?”

“Mm, not now, but if there is one day I’ll let you know.”

“You’d better.”

“Of course.” Xuanyi smiles. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

“We are,” Fu Jing says, and the thought no longer brings her any pain.

“Hey,” Meiqi comes over, sweating and breathing hard, and practically collapses next to Fu Jing. “Pass me some water, will you?”

“There are like ten new water bottles over there, get your own,” Fu Jing says, but she passes her own to Meiqi as she speaks, opening it before putting it into her hand.

“Thanks,” Meiqi says and drains what’s left in the bottle in about three gulps.

“Whoa, you’re really thirsty, aren’t you?” Fu Jing says, absently brushing her sweaty hair away from her face.

“I’m hungry too. Do you want to get lunch at that noodle place after this?”

“Noodles? I want hot pot.”

“Hot pot is too shanghuo^[6]. Your mouth ulcers just got better, you should eat more qingdan^[7] foods.”

“I want hot pot,” Fu Jing repeats, giving her best puppy dog eyes.

Meiqi sighs. “Fine, but don’t get the spicy one.”

“You’re telling a Hunan girl not to eat spicy? I’d bring shame to my ancestors.”

“Pretty sure you did that already when you had trouble peeling crawfish last time.”

“I had a finger injury, okay?!”

A new voice cuts into their conversation. “Wow, I thought it was bad when there was this weird tension between you two, but this flirting is so much worse.”

Fu Jing gives Sunnee her best glare, and Sunnee actually takes a step back.

“Hey, Yang Yunqing, weren’t you fighting with Chaoyue over the honour of the House of Yang or something?” Meiqi says lazily.

“She’s texting Yihan again,” Sunnee says dismissively. “Or well, she said ‘a friend’ but she never smiles so goofily at just any friend. She looks just like Laofu when she smiles at you.”

Fu Jing turns red, and the tips of Meiqi’s ears follow but she smiles, eyes on Fu Jing, as she says, “They are father and son, after all. There’s bound to be some resemblance.”

“How’s that gonna work now that Fu Jing is with you? She gets Chaoyue in the divorce then? Or is Xuanyi going to contest custody?”

“Are you going to fight for that hell spawn, Laoxuan,” Fu Jing asks, but notices that Xuanyi isn’t there anymore. Somehow she had completely missed her leaving.

“Xuanyi went to take a call,” Meiqi says, tracking her gaze. “I think she’ll be back soon.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just ask her later.” Fu Jing reaches out a hand towards Meiqi. “If we survive the rest of practice, are we still on for hot pot?”

Meiqi takes her hand. “Only if you tone down the spicy seasoning.”

Fu Jing sighs theatrically but relents. “Fine.”

“Okay then.” Meiqi smiles. “We’re on.”

Just like last time, she laces her fingers through Fu Jing’s, and Fu Jing squeezes.

---

A/N: Even in a non-FuXuan fic, my Fu Jing is into Xuanyi hahaha. I had to rewrite several scenes so that there wasn't too much chemistry between FuXuan lmao I am #trash.

[1] A 直男 (zhinan) is literally "straight man" but is a rather derogatory name for a certain type of guy, often implying a certain incapability of understanding women or even disrespect towards them. But it can just mean you're dense / direct like a dude, and Meiqi has called Fu Jing and herself this exact word before.

[2] “It’s easy to say your waist doesn’t hurt while standing up” is literally translated from a Chinese phrase 站着说话不腰疼 which means that it's easy to talk about something when you're not in the situation yourself, basically pointing out a lack of empathy in a difficult situation.

[3] Meiqi's last name, 孟 (Mèng), sounds the same as dream / 梦 (Mèng), so I shamelessly made a pun there. Look at me making puns in more than one language now hahaha.

[4] Meiqi's nickname is Shanzhi Dage / 山支大哥 or literally Shanzhi Big Brother because the Qi (岐) in her name is made of the characters Shan (山) + Zhi (支) put together: 岐 = 山 + 支.

[5] I wanted to do the same thing with Xuanyi's name and big sister / Dajie (大姐). Long story short, it didn't totally work since the left part of Yi (仪) is not a word. However, it has to do with the character Ren (人), so I just rolled with it: 仪 = 亻+义.

[6] Shanghuo (上火) is...a quality of certain foods that I can't really explain, but spicy foods fall under this category. It's believed that shanghuo foods can cause things like mouth ulcers, nosebleeds and toothaches.

[7] Qingdan (清淡) is like light, bland food; they would be good to counter the effects of shanghuo foods or at least to recover from them.

Whew, that was a lot to explain and I don't think I did it very well and I'm honestly not qualified enough to be explaining these things but at the same time I couldn't not use them so I wanted to try my best to explain. I don't even know if anyone read all that but there's your Chinese lesson (or rather several lessons) for the day!