You were a beautiful flower I must not touch
But I couldn’t help touching you
And so the thorn pierced my finger

- taboo no iro - miyawakisakura|kodamaharuka

Watching you like this is fine with me. Seeing you doing well in life makes me feel as if I was a part of that happiness too. The way you laugh gives me enough strength to go on with life. Even if you are not beside me.

I can still remember the first time you told me about your dreams. You wanted to be a doctor. A OB-GYN to be exact because you love babies. You want to become a kind of mother that our mothers can never be. I saw how your eyes lit up to the idea of us having children of our own. Too naïve that we are deluded to think we can achieve having those children we were dreaming of without hurting each other.

Flashback

“I want us to have five kids” I said. Your already big brown eyes grew much bigger with the idea of having more than two children like you wanted.

“Two is enough Jjae. We cannot raise a lot of kids.” You laughed at me as if I was crazy. Maybe I was, and still I am crazy till now.

“Why not? We can just leave this country. Go to a country we can raise them normally.” Normal? Is there a thing that can be normal in our situation like this?

“Wish we can really do that. You know I can't leave my family. They are all I have.”

“I know. I know” You put your head to my shoulders, a gesture you always do whenever you want to feel comfort from me.

“ I love you Sakura. And I will do anything just to be with you.”

“I love you too Jjae. So much.”

But even if our love is too much, it wasn't enough. Because that was the last time you told me about your dreams.

End of flashback

“We should stop doing this Chaeyeon. This is not healthy.” My good friend Hyewon told me once, that I should stop being obssessed with you. We already separated for years, yet I can't help but to look after you even from afar.

“I know Kwangbae. Just give me this one time. I can't concentrate with the upcoming exams because I you had me locked up in our dorm. I didn't see her for weeks. That is God damn torture.”

“Well you need to study. And we had so much school activities we need to do. I know you are smart, but this stalking Miyawaki Sakura is not the smartest thing. Can you imagine your Aunt Chaerin will do if she finds out you are doing this? AGAIN?”

“Shh. Stop reminding me. And don't you dare tell her about this.”

“As if I will make your already problematic life more miserable. I'm here because I want you to be careful. Your family is still not convinced you moved on from her.”

Moving on is not really an option for me. Remember when you ran away from me because you cannot take the amount of criticism we got from our families? Remember that day Sakura?? That was that day I almost died.

Flashback

“Hey, I heard Sakura is leaving. I saw my sister's car picking her up.” Your cousin told me as I was packing for the surprise trip I was planning for the both of us. But I was surprised instead by the level of insensitivity and the audacity of you leaving me behind when I thought we're gonna fight for this relationship.

“What???”

“Eh? You are not aware of her leaving?”

How would I know? We were fine just a day before. You told me how much you love me. We made love and said our vows to each other. I should have known that was the last. That maybe you just want me to not overthink about your actions for the past couple of days. We've fight like there's no tomorrow. Keep pushing me away but making love to me after our fight. I tried to understand you Sakura. I really do. I've been a very patient woman so I can keep you from self destruction when I'm silenting holding for a piece of my sanity. I was losing it too. But it was you who keep me sane.

I tried to convinced you to stay and fight for us. But you ran away like a coward and threw everything. You left me with questions and doubts about myself, about your feelings for me. Did you really love me or it is just because it was convenient for you?

After a couple of months I followed you. It was a surprise visit and you can't believe I found your home in the city.

“Jjae? What are you doing here?” You lost a lot of weight. I can see the pain and longingness in your eyes. I knew life wasn't good to you too.

“I... Actually..I don't know.”

It was true, I don't know. I just let my heart lead me to you. Once school was over, I packed my bags and rode the first bus and looked for the address that you told me before. And there I was infront of you, wishing you were happy to see me.

You were happy.

You hugged me and cried.

“Chaeyeon. Why are you here? How are you?? I'm sorry I left. I.. I don't deserve you. And I'm sorry.”

You cried your heart out. I felt broken when you mentioned that you don't deserve me. Because Sakura, I don't deserve you but you chose me to be with you. You sacrificed a lot for me. And being there for you was just a small thing compared to what you did to save me.

“I'