My dearest, my sweetest person.

I remember the first day I saw you.

You walked into the room surrounded by your friends, laughing. You looked stunning.

Well, in reality you looked like an average kid dressed in average clothes with an average black hair. But for me, you looked stunning. The way you smiled and your gums were showing. Apparently you were shy about it, you always tried to cover your mouth with your hand, but I honestly loved them. I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to do it because you look beautiful.

The way you laughed. Your voice sounded so soft and soothing whenever you did that, and even though it was the first time I ever saw you, I thought that I really want to hear your laughter more often because I loved it. I simply wanted to laugh with you.

The way you talked to others. Maybe I envied. I was a newbie at our school, I was quite talkative and always tried to make friends, but for some reason kids weren’t always welcoming, and I became shy to approach them first. But you, you knew everyone and it looked like talking to people was something you’re really good at, unlike me. I felt uncomfortable when too many people looked at me, I got lost because of the attention, I felt shy. But I just wanted to make friends.

And I immediately wanted to be your friend. Gaining some courage out of nowhere, I remember how I approached you, all shy and unsure, but tried to smile. Your friend, who will become one of my best friends later, somehow frowned and asked what the hell I want here.

Yeah, kids weren’t always welcoming.

You looked at me, a clear curiosity in your eyes, and I felt lost for a few seconds. All the people you were with and you too were looking at me, and I felt nervous, but I remembered what I wanted to do, and scolded myself.

‘Lee Donghae, you’re not going to make friends if you won’t talk to anyone,’ I thought that time.

And so I smiled awkwardly and muttered, knowing perfectly well I sound pretty much like a child, but who cared, ‘I just… I wanted to ask if maybe we could, you know… become f-friends?’

I stuttered, and I hated myself for it, but that was me. Always stuttering when nervous.

I remember how the kids around laughed at me, I remember someone saying that I better need to go away, and I’m sorry, but for a few seconds, while you were observing me, I thought you’ll do the same.

But you didn’t do it.

***

We became friends, and started hanging out together since that day. At first your friends were surprised you agreed, but later we all started talking and they even apologized for their behavior. I was happy. I slowly stopped feeling worried, and now I was the one who actually talked the most among all of us, sometimes people even asked me to shut up, even you did. However, you never sounded truly angry, that’s why no offense was taken.

We slowly started hanging out together, but not like us and your friends, it was me and you only. You never minded it and slowly, I admit, I became very clingy. That was just another thing about me. When I really liked being around someone, I kind of forgot about the definitions of ‘personal space’ and ‘borders’. I just always wanted to be with you, and I always kept asking you to go with me.

‘Hyukjae, please, go to a book store with me today! I really need something there.’

‘Hyukjae, I’m hungry! Let’s go and eat something.’

‘Hyukjae, are you free today? I just wanted to ask if we could go to the cinema together.’

‘Hyukjae, let’s do this.’

‘Hyukjae, let’s do that.’

Apparently I was annoying. You can’t even imagine how many times I was called annoying in my life, how many times people kept telling me I need to let them breathe. You can’t imagine how many friends I lost because of it… and I really tried to not be like that with you. I swear, I tried, it’s just that I really wanted to see you, and I felt so lonely when you weren’t around. I felt sorry I was that clingy, but could do nothing about it.

I expected that someday you, like all other people, will grow sick of me. That you’ll start avoiding me, I was even a bit ready for it. I was ready to hear you telling me I’m annoying.

But you didn’t do it.

***

I fell in love for the first time in my life, but for the first time I couldn’t share with you.

Because I was in love with you, my dearest Hyukjae.

There were so many reasons to love you. There were no reasons to not love you.

Even though sometimes you acted annoyed with my behavior, you never actually meant it because in the end of the day we always did everything together.

Even though you always were a closed type of a person and never liked sharing what’s on your heart, it was me who you called in the middle of the night because you needed to talk.

Even though you hated talking by phone, you ended up talking for hours with me.

Even though you never were that type of a person who loved all the cuddles and soft things, you always welcomed my hug whenever I offered one. You always held my hand back when I wanted to hold yours. You always caressed my hair whenever you wanted to praise me. You always allowed me to caress your hair whenever I wanted to.

Slowly, but surely we became really close to each other, you could tell we became best friends. Your friends even started mocking us, calling us an inseparable couple. That’s when I started thinking about it that way.

Thinking about the reason why I always wanted to be with you and you only. I never wanted to be with someone that often, even though I was clingy.

The reason why I felt so happy whenever you called me, not someone else when you needed to talk.

The reason why I wanted to hug you. Hold hands with you. Kiss your cheeks. Kiss… you.

I realized I was in love. And I was scared.

Don’t blame me, a young boy at his 17s, for being scared to discover his first ever crush was a boy. His best friend who trusted him. The person he cherished the most.

I was scared. Scared of my feelings, scared to lose you because of them. There was no way I would confess, there was no way you would accept because I knew what others thought about it.

Wrong. Unnatural. Ugly.

Those were the words I heard from others about two people of the same gender being in love. Such a hypocrisy. They loved watching their idols hugging on the stage, they loved watching those dramas with boys being in love with boys, and girls being in love with girls, but when it came to an ac