2009.

The aroma of coffee brings him back to reality, and Howon realizes with a start that he’s crying. Wordlessly, Naeun hands him a napkin, and he takes it gratefully, blowing his nose, wiping away the tear tracks on his cheeks.

“I don’t know why I said it.” Myungsoo’s voice is quiet, desperate. He almost sounds like he’s begging, but Myungsoo never begs. “If I could take it back, I would, like that, but I can’t, and all I can do is say I’m sorry and hope that you’ll forgive me. Will you?”

Perfect, prideful Myungsoo, begging Howon to forgive him? Now Howon knows; what happened twenty years ago affected his friends just as deeply as it had affected him.

“I do,” he says, quietly. “We were children, brought up in a time and place where it really was a disgrace. It wasn’t your fault, and your apology shows your growth.”

Shamefully, tearfully, Myungsoo nods, and he slumps against his seat, as if suddenly released from years upon years of guilt. It had eaten him up over time, Howon notices, from the sheer amount of silver in his hair to the dark purple bags beneath his eyes. Myungsoo looks tired, exhausted, and Howon hopes that he can sleep a bit easier now.

Naeun’s eyes are teary too. “I never stopped him,” she whispers, pressing her fingers to her eyes. “I sat there and let him say it and I never did anything to help you, Howon, I’m so, so sorry…”

“It’s not your fault,” Howon says again, and he means it. Who was to blame for simply existing, for being the victims of the vastly, violently narrow-minded world of a small seaside town on the southern edge of Korea?

---

1989.

Naeun had taken it well, but Myungsoo had decidedly not. The next time Ryosuke was in school and said hi like he usually did, Howon had to watch Myungsoo turn away cruelly and Ryosuke’s face fall in confusion.

“Maybe he just didn’t see me?” Ryosuke wondered in Japanese. “Is Myungsoo okay? He seems a little off today.”

“He’s probably just stressed,” Howon lied through his teeth, turning them away. “You know, class president and all that.”

Naeun’s support came in the form of a small card in his desk during second period, and Howon nearly stopped breathing when he saw her handwriting. He smiled as he read her message, and his erratic heartbeat calmed when he saw her signature, a small bunny head, like she used to do in middle school.

So at least he still had a friend. That was comforting. But then there was the problem of telling Ryosuke that he’d told Myungsoo and Naeun, and for some reason, Howon didn’t think he’d appreciate it.

He didn’t. During lunch, Ryosuke marched up to Howon, dark eyes glinting with anger, a storm brewing on his delicate features, and hissed, “What the did you do? Naeun asked me if there was anything she could do for us and I knew she knew. Why did you do it? Is that why Myungsoo looked at me so weirdly? That’s what it was, wasn’t it?”

He’d said it in a mix of Japanese and Korean, and said it so quickly that Howon could barely understand. But he’d known anyway, and he suddenly felt so small in front of Ryosuke’s tense posture, his clenched fists, and he felt like he was seven years old and just broke a vase from playing too hard. Ryosuke’s jaw worked, and all Howon could do was stare at the boy he loved and the hurt and confusion and betrayal flitting across his face and held his angry gaze until Ryosuke finally tore away, pushing his way through the crowd gathering around them to rush outside, even as classmates called out to ask what was wrong.

“What’s going on here?”

No, not him, not now. Howon couldn’t stand hearing Myungsoo’s voice, not after everything that had happened. He, too, turned tail and ran, out of the lunch room and into the hallways, searching desperately for a classroom, any classroom, and dove into a closet, shaking and whimpering and trying not to cry in case other students heard.

It was almost time for class to start when Naeun found him, curled up and half-asleep in the floor. Without a word, she’d sat down next to him and leaned her head against his, and he’d started crying.

“I support you,” she said, so softly that he might have missed it. But he didn’t, and he nodded, desperate for any warmth from his friends to counteract the ice-cold of Ryosuke’s running away, of Myungsoo’s derision.

Ryosuke didn’t return to school that day, and when Howon went to find him, he was sitting on the beach, aimlessly throwing rocks into the water, and hadn’t reacted when Howon sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry,” Howon said, and Ryosuke scoffed.

“You should be,” he said, not looking at Howon. “I never told you that I wanted them to know. I never wanted anyone to know. It’s so bad if anyone at all finds out, haven’t you heard? Haven’t you heard about the couple who got beaten up for being homoual? People die for their love, Howon. I wanted us to be safe.”

“But I hate hiding it,” Howon burst out. “I hate hiding myself and our love because of some stupid fear that we’ll get killed and all we can do is hide because honestly, honestly, can’t I tell the world I love you? Why don’t we deserve a love story like Myungsoo and Naeun?”

“Because we live in such a dangerous world!” Tears began to stream down Ryosuke’s face, and he pressed his palms to his eyes, trying to stem the flow. “I don’t want you to die for us, I don’t want to die for us, I don’t...”

And like that, something broke in Howon’s heart, and he’d pulled Ryosuke to his chest, held him close until the sun disappeared down the horizon. The world wasn’t fair, but by God, was he going to make it. Burying his nose in Ryosuke’s hair, Howon steeled his heart and decided that, even if he died for it, the world would know and accept them.

---

2009.

“I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through.” Myungsoo orders three more coffees. “I know I should have helped stop the rumors, but some twisted part of me wanted to see you suffer, or at least… I wanted to see how you would deal with the problem on your own.”

Howon shakes his head. “You really couldn’t have done anything. We were brought up in a time of ignorance. Besides, it was my fault, and I completely deserved everything I received.”