1989.

March smoothed over into April, and though they still hid, Howon received the impression that Ryosuke was slightly less nervous about showing affection in public than before. They let their guards down, and it was only a matter of time before they became sloppy, careless, and when he rumors swept through the school like a storm, they had no one but themselves to blame.

“Do you know Lee Howon, that dude who’s best friends with the class president? Yeah, apparently he’s queer. I saw him kissing another boy just the other day.”

“Oh my god, ew! Who was it?”

“I wish I knew, but I was too far away to see.”

By the end of the week, the school knew that Howon was gay, and Ryosuke stopped speaking to him in class.

“I’m scared they’ll hurt you,” he said in the dark, after they’d both snuck away into the woods. “I don’t want them to find out and confirm it. Maybe if we just leave it alone, it’ll die off or they’ll assume it was a girl or something.”

“Okay, but what’s wrong with letting them know?” Howon, at least, wasn’t bothered by the rumors. They didn’t affect his social standing - he still hung out with Myungsoo and Naeun - nor his grades, and his classmates still interacted with him as if they hadn’t heard the rumors. He understood why Ryosuke was worried, but he didn’t think it was big enough of a deal, honestly.

“They’ll hurt you!” Howon tried to silence him with a kiss, but Ryosuke pushed away angrily. “Howon, be serious for once. I’m scared. For us, for you.”

“They won’t find out,” Howon promised, “and if they do, I’ll make them accept it.”

As April passed into May, they saw each other under the pall of the night, and the rumors did die off. The entire grade geared up to take the college entrance exam and no one had the energy to worry about some stupid rumors anymore. But, as May melted into June, Howon grew impatient again, carefree and careless, and things started for the worse.

---

2009.

They leave the coffee shop and walk down the street. Howon can’t stop looking at the red roses in the windows of the flower shops. Ryosuke had been red, bright and fiery red, befitting of a boy as bright as the very sun itself.

“I wonder if there was anything we could have done,” Naeun starts to say, but Howon’s already shaking his head. “There must have been.”

“No, there really wasn’t.” Howon hates the grayness that takes over the city. It shouldn’t be cloudy, shouldn’t be gray, shouldn’t be sad. But it is. “He knew what was inevitably coming.”

---

1989.

“Did you know, Lee Howon is gay after all! And he’s dating the Japanese kid!”

“Wait, Yamada Ryosuke? No way!”

“Yeah! Ugh, he was so nice too. I can’t even look at him anymore.”

They’d brought it upon themselves, and there really was no one else to blame. Yet the only thing keeping Ryosuke from finding out that everyone else had found out was the fact that school was already out. The only reason why Howon even knew was because he’d conveniently come across two former classmates at the grocery store.

Ryosuke couldn’t know. It would destroy him. Howon would never let the words reach him. It’d break him and his eyes would never sparkle again. And yet in some twisted, evil way, Howon was glad that the news had gotten out. Now he wouldn’t have to hide anymore, and maybe if Ryosuke agreed, they could officially tell everyone then.

Myungsoo was cold, as always, and Naeun absent. Howon couldn’t depend on his friends, not anymore, and so, in his young impulsivity, he’d come up with his own simple plan. One lonely day, he’d pulled Ryosuke out to the park and kissed him in public, in front of everyone who was not there to see.

Perhaps it was fortunate that no one wanted to go to the park that day, but faced with Ryosuke’s anger, Howon blurted out the sheer extent of the rumors.

Ryosuke hadn’t said anything, hadn’t reacted at all. Instead, he’d simply nodded and, in hindsight, Howon wonders if that was when the tragedy started.

---

2009.

“They did catch him after you left.” Naeun looks up at the sky. “It was one of the kids who’d never liked him anyway.”

“They figured he never really wanted to kill him, only hurt him enough to land him in the hospital.” Myungsoo blows out a long breath, and the clouds part to reveal the slightest bit of sun. “So he got off lighter than he should have.”

---

1989.

June 17th, 1989. A day that would be branded into Howon’s memory for the rest of his life. June 17th, 1989. The day that Yamada Ryosuke died.

It was a rainy day, one that came without warning. Nothing had been out of the ordinary, except that Howon had asked again if Ryosuke wanted to reveal their relationship to the public.

“You mean, hold hands? Kiss?” Ryosuke smiled, though it was a bit sad. “Do you really want it?”

Howon did, and Ryosuke smiled, held out the hand, and they ran into the summer rain, gasping with the cold of the water pelting their skin and laughed, pressing their lips together in a hungry desperateness as the world disappeared and all that was left was themselves.

And neither of them paid attention to the possible people passing by, nor if there was even anyone passing by, but there must have been, or else what happened later would not have happened.

The news had come later that night, as Howon sat in his room still high off the euphoria of kissing Ryosuke in broad daylight. He remembers the shock, the feeling of the world shrinking smaller and smaller until it was just him in a room and nothing else seemed quite real.

Time, slowed. Ryosuke, dead. Dead? Ryosuke? He wouldn’t believe it until he saw it, still didn’t believe it when he saw it, the delicate body lying broken on the pavement, soft brown hair stained red with the blood that dried on the concrete. He’d choked on the blood running down his throat, the police said, what a pity, he was so young, who’d do such a thing?

But Howon knew who would do such a thing. He didn’t know, but he knew, and he couldn’t tell anyone in fear of putting himself in even more danger than he was already in. For the first time in his naivety, Howon finally realized what Ryosuke was so scared of, why he was so scared in the first place, and even through the heartbreaking pain of losing him, Howon knew he had to leave.

The funeral killed his heart and colored it gray. Howon stood in front of Ryosuke’s picture - his hair, his smile, his eyes - and felt his heart tear into a million pieces. His Ryosuke, his love, his life, gone, because someone decided that their love wasn’t worth living for and killed this impossibly bright boy with a crowbar and a hammer. Howon closed his eyes and prayed, and he hoped that Ryosuke could forgive him.