1987.

"I met Myungsoo when I was in seventh grade." He kicked at the rocks on the small dirt road. "I didn't know he was class president until school started and he came up to me and there was a little nametag on his uniform. Imagine that! Kim Myungsoo, my only friend, class president!"

"You must have been shocked." Ryosuke's voice hitched with amusement, and he stretched his arms out, reaching up towards the sky. Howon laughed, shaking his head a little. "I would have been!"

"I was, but what was even more shocking was that he had no friends." Howon snuck a glance at his new friend. Ryosuke's bangs fell into his eyes as he looked to his left, towards the churning waves of the gray winter sea. "I mean, I honestly thought he wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore since he had so many people who wanted to be his friend, but turns out, I was the only one who bothered to get to know him."

Ryosuke let out a hum. A gust of salty sea-wind blustered by, and he shivered, retreating lower into his thick winter coat. "It's cold, Howon, let's go inside."

In the warm yellow light of Ryosuke's room, the dullness of the outside world didn’t seem to matter anymore. He peeled off his scarf and coat, discarding them on the floor beside the door, and Ryosuke chuckled, folding his own coat neatly. "I can't believe this," he joked. "Pick up your clothes, Lee Howon, I'm not your mother!"

"Yes, Mother," Howon teased, complying. Ryosuke huffed and flopped down on his bed, looking out the window at the rolling sea. "You seem sad today."

"No, not really." He paused. "Tell me how you met Naeun."

Howon did, sitting down next to him, and Ryosuke laughed at the thought of young Howon almost falling off the monkey bars because of a girl. "That's so funny!" He sat up quickly, nearly hitting Howon. "And now they're dating?"

"Ugh." Howon couldn’t help the sound of disgust coming from his mouth. He fell back onto the bed and stared at the cracks in the ceiling. "I almost wish they weren't. We used to have so much fun together, and then people started saying that they'd look so good together, they're such a great couple, and I was the one who made it all happen." He sat up again, stood and paced around the room. "Without me, would they have even gotten together? Maybe, but definitely not as quickly. They wouldn't have even been friends without me! And suddenly everyone forgets I exist, poor Howon, and only remember me when they're asking me what I think about them dating."

"Well, what do you think?" Ryosuke asked quietly. His eyes were unreadable but curious, and Howon hesitated. "Do you think they're happy? Do you want them to be happy?"

"Of course." Of course Howon wanted his friends to be happy. He squatted down, putting his head in his hands. "I just don't want to feel left out."

And that was the truth he'd been searching for all this time. It was cathartic, being able to admit his own selfishness, and Ryosuke smiled, nodding as if it had been the answer he was looking for as well. "Yes, we never want to feel left out from our friend group." He moved to sit beside Howon, placing a hand on his knee. "But you know, you didn't need to feel left out."

The warmth of his hand on his knee caused Howon's brain to short-circuit. He stammered out something about 'yeah, I know', which made Ryosuke laugh. He still didn’t move his hand, but Howon pulled himself together enough to focus on the words coming out of his mouth.

"...so I thought we could go together." Ryosuke looked at him, and Howon nodded. "You weren't listening, were you?"

"No!" He really couldn’t come up with an excuse and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Um, maybe I didn't hear everything you said...?"

He adored the way Ryosuke's nose scrunched up when he laughs, and the thought flushed his cheeks with heat. "I said, I saw this cool Christmas event in Busan. It's pretty far away, but if we all go together, it should be fine, right?"

Outside the window, soft white snowflakes floated down from the sky, but inside, all that mattered was the slight curve of Ryosuke's eyes as he smiled. They did not end up going to the Christmas event, but Myungsoo and Naeun came to Howon's house on Christmas Eve, dragging a weakly-protesting Ryosuke along, and Howon's parents laughed and made them all hot chocolate, and they sat beside the fireplace and told stories about each other and about the town and about anything and everything and suddenly Howon felt safe. He felt safe and comfortable and warm and ended up leaning his head against Ryosuke's crossed legs and fell asleep.

And when he woke up, it was a white Christmas, and Myungsoo grabbed his arm and yelled, "Let's make a snowman!" and so they did, and wrapped Naeun's scarf around the neck and Howon never remembered laughing so hard, and Ryosuke tackled him and they tussled around in the snow until Naeun shouted at them to stop or their ears would fall off. And Howon remembers when they finally did stop, lying panting on the snow-covered ground, cheeks apple-red, and Ryosuke struggled to sit up in his puffy jacket and held out a hand to help Howon too, and the faint stars shining deep within the dark chocolate brown.

"Good game," he'd said, and Howon smiled and took his hand and said, "Yeah, but I still won."

Now, he wonders if he really did win, or if Ryosuke had simply let him.

---

2009.

It's been days since he first saw them in Busan. Howon looks at the text on his phone. 'We really need to catch up!' it says, in Naeun's distinctive voice. 'How about the coffee shop on Fifth Ave at 10am?'

They're late. He's not surprised. Myungsoo was never the best with time, and he's sure Naeun took too long choosing her outfit again. Unwittingly, a laugh bursts out from his chest, startling a couple of passersby. He shakes his head, partly in wonder yet also somewhat in bitterness. Even after all these years, he still knows them so well.

When Myungsoo and Naeun finally do show up, Howon's not at all surprised that their reason for being late is exactly what he'd expected. He only smiles as Myungsoo orders an iced americano and a vanilla latte. Then, to his surprise, he orders another drink, a caramel macchiato. After they sit down, he blurts out, "How did you remember?"

Myungsoo only smiles, a genuine smile. "You were never the type to change so easily." Howon can only laugh at that, but this laugh feels warm, real, like they were young and still friends, and Naeun tries to hide her smile behind her hand but fails.

"It's so good to be together like this again," she says, as the coffee arrives. "Howon, we really missed you, you know?"

"I know." He doesn't have the energy or willpower to be angry right now. "I..." He hesitates, the words welling up in his throat, the truth just a fraction away, if only he could admit it. "I missed you too."

The smile on Myungsoo's face and the joy in Naeun's eyes makes the embarrassment worth it. Howon dips his head, blows on his coffee. He'd never been the type to admit that he cared about his friends, but maybe it's time to change that. Maybe it really is time to move on. Steam from the coffee rises up, obscuring his view for a brief moment, and all he can think about is how far they've come.

From the young high school students playing around in the snow to grown adults wearing suits in the workplace, they've all been through so much in their lives, and Howon knows that it's time to let go. He feels it deep in his heart when Myungsoo clears his throat and apologizes, along with a vague, painful sorrow that will never truly fade away.

But perhaps it's time to confront his feelings. It's time to admit the truth, and Howon pushes away his coffee and holds out his hands, one to each of his friends, and silently, they take it.

"I'm sorry."