It's always the eyes. eyes that can never lie, always mirroring those unsaid words. 

 

The lingering stares, hopeful wishes, tears left unshed. He's always on the brink of breaking, just on the brink, because he always had to pick up his pieces. He's strong, he believes. He's always the stronger one. it's just a disease, he shouldn't lose to that. 

 

Donghyuck has always loved flowers. even as a child, he's always been interested, has always been fascinated how these wonderful creations could hold so many meanings. He remembers the time back when he helps out his mom to water her plants in their backyard garden, even talking to the flowers and referring to them as his 'little buddy'. He loved how flowers can be used to express his emotions, if he prefers not to talk and when words are not enough, he turns to flowers. 

 

When Donghyuck's family moved to seoul from Jeju, they had to leave most of his mom's plants back in their old family home. the weather and climate in the city wasn't necessarily healthy for the plants to survive. so with a heavy heart, he half heartedly said goodbye to his beloved flowers and left for the city. 

 

 

As a child, he knew he wanted to become an idol. he wanted to appear on tv, to dance and sing and perform in front of people. it's just something that he can see himself doing very well in the future. He wanted to pursue his dreams. With his parents' permission, he auditioned for SM Entertainment and eventually, got accepted as a trainee. 

 

There he met Mark Lee. 

 

Where does he even start? He doesn't say it that much, but Mark was and is his favorite hyung. There's just something about that Canadian boy that makes Donghyuck draw himself closer to him. Donghyuck annoys the hell out of him, he gets joy from watching mark get fed up with his antics. But despite of Donghyuck's silly pranks and loud mouth, mark remained cool and suave with everything. He still shuffles Donghyuck's hair affectionately, still laughs at his jokes and still helps Donghyuck whenever the younger needs some kind of motivation. 

 

It's not a secret that the two of them are the closest out of anyone in the group. You'll find them seated beside each other, and even if they're seated at the opposite ends, they'll find a way to interact. It's just something the fans love. And it's also something that donghyuck has grown accustomed to. 

 

Donghyuck is sprawled out all over his bed, the tiredness from their whole day practice is seeping through his every bone and muscle. He feels strangely languid. The temperature is colder than the usual too, he notices. 

 

"You're not yet sleeping?" a head peeks in their slightly opened door. "Aren't you tired?" 

 

It's mark, who just came out of the shower and currently drying his hair with a towel. He looks around Donghyuck's shared room with Jaehyun, notices the way how the younger is covered with a thick layer of blanket despite the low blow of aircon, "you okay?" 

 

Donghyuck furrows his brows, "yeah, why wouldn't I be?" he ignores the slight shiver in his body and pulls the blanket closer to him. 

 

Mark makes a face, "it's so easy to know you're sick," he puts his hand on Donghyuck's forehead, and shook his head when he feels that the younger is warmer than the usual. "I think you have a slight fever or something."

 

"Yeah, it's definitely just something mark hyung." Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "but I'm fine though, I'll just sleep this away."

 

That particular night, Mark made sure that Donghyuck didn't go to sleep without drinking medicines. Mark took care of Donghyuck despite the fact that he's tired and overworked too. No questions were asked when Jaehyun found them the next morning, sharing a blanket and cuddled with each other. It was the first time that donghyuck blushed. Blushed because of his mark hyung. And it certainly wasn't the last time. 

 

~

 

The first time it happened, Donghyuck felt so light headed he thought he was about to faint. It's the most strange feeling he's ever had, it wasn't all that painful; but it certainly felt like an empty void. 

 

For the first time in many years, he finally understood what feeling empty is like. 

 

Trying to forget it even happened, Donghyuck hid the yellow daffodil in a book he knows that won't be opened by him or the other members again, pushing the thought of a disease back at his head. 

 

The flower, long forgotten. 

 

Donghyuck tried living a normal life. He managed to convince himself he doesn't 'love' someone because love isn't supposed to make you feel sick, right? It's supposed to bring joy and everything - everything but not sickness and pain. 

 

But that was a few months ago, when feelings were a tad bit too complicated for him, when he was unsure if the feelings he had were either platonic or romantic. Maybe he was too much of a stupid too, the lone yellow daffodil coming from his throat was a dead giveaway for his feelings to just be simply platonic. 

 

Now, he throws up handfuls of flowers like there's no tomorrow. it's straining his throat - makes it harder for him to breathe and even swallow. Donghyuck feels his chest contract when the disease attacks, the petals before became a whole flower and though it's pretty to look at, it serves a reminder that he's in a dead end situation. 

 

Reminds him all too much of the fact his love is not reciprocated. It's the bittersweet truth of reality. 

 

Donghyuck is trying really hard not to let the other members know because it'll really cause some kind of drama between them. He doesn't want that. He knows they're in the height of their careers and they have to do everything they can. The least they should be worrying about now is one member who's sick of a foolish disease because he can't keep his feelings under control. 

 

Donghyuck heaves out a heavy sigh, at least he has medicines to relieve the vomiting and pain for now. For now. He doesn't know until when the meds will work but at least there's still hope for him for a few months.

 

"You don't look too well," Doyoung announces as soon as Donghyuck came out of the bathroom. It took him a while to clean up the mess he had made so it wasn't really surprising to see one of his hyungs to point him out. 

 

Donghyuck tried to wipe his mouth discreetly, "I...my stomach wasn't feeling well." He gave a sheepish smile to the older. Lying most definitely became one of his forte these days, it's actually concerning him how he's so good at it now. 

 

He didn't noticed the look of concern Doyoung has given him on his way to the kitchen. There, he took his medicines for this ed up disease to calm down and for his throat to ease up again. 

 

Donghyuck looks back at what triggered his disease just a while ago: was it because Mark sat beside him when they ate lunch? Or was it because he kept thinking of the older? Nonetheless, he's set on keeping distance between the two of them. 

 

It makes his heart hurt, really. The thought of avoiding Mark just so that he's sure he'll not throw up immeasurable amounts of flowers is kinda absurd if you ask him. Donghyuck doesn't even know if he can avoid mark for a long time, they're just too close for him to do that. It'll not even take a long time till one of the members will notice how Donghyuck, Mark's literal best friend, is avoiding the other. 

 

Donghyuck whips out his phone and types in the words Hanahaki disease. He's been reading stories of survivors of the said disease. It helps him go through his disease, knowing there are others out there who suffered the same thing he's going through. He just doesn't want to think of how they survived. 

 

He was too engrossed with his reading that he literally yelped when a certain someone spoke from beside him, "what are you reading?"

 

Donghyuck clutches his heart first before he looks up and , he feels his chest contrast- both in a loving and painful way. He quickly closes his phone and tries to will away the impending thoughts of flowers in his head. He shouldn't be thinking about that right now when the literal cause of his disease is right there in front of him, sporting a genuine and cute smile. 

 

"Doyoung hyung's right, you do look sick. are you okay, hyuck?" Mark sits beside him. There's a look of worry spread on the older's face and Donghyuck can't help but feel warmth in his chest. 

 

"I'm not sick, my heart- I mean my stomach wasn't feeling really well. it's just my face." Donghyuck rolls his eyes, trying to play everything off. "..how exactly do i look?"

 

"Well," the older starts. He shifts his whole body to face Donghyuck and it's kinda unbelievable how Mark still looks good under the dim lighting of their kitchen. There's a flash of something for a split second in Mark's eyes, but he was quick to blink it away, leaving Donghyuck staring at brown orbs looking at him with so much intent. 

 

"You look like you're not your usual self," Mark continues, his eyes squinting as if trying to take a closer look at the other. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" Mark spoke it with so much sincerity and care, even rubbing Donghyuck's arm as if to soothe him, and that's when his whole cover breaks down. 

 

Donghyuck feels it: the slight rumble in his stomach, his chest contracting so painfully that he can't help but clench his whole fist together. His throat spasms from the coming pressure of flowers, but he can't throw up. not in front of mark. Not in front of the man he loved ever so dearly. There's no way donghyuck will let him find out. Not like this. 

 

So with every ounce of strength and courage, he swallows back the flowers (kinda disgusting, if you ask him) and it hurts more because the thorns rake his throat and his lungs literally get blocked, making it even harder for him to breathe. 

 

What's worse is Mark's presence doesn't make his condition any better. 

 

"You look pale, are you okay?" Mark asks frantically. He reaches out to touch donghyuck's shoulders but the younger stood up abruptly, "b-bathroom.." was what Donghyuck muttered before rushing out of the kitchen. 

 

Mark is bewildered. It's his first time to see Donghyuck like that. And he's a hundred percent sure that donghyuck's not okay. 

 

~

 

Mark pulls Jaehyun's arm before he can even get inside his shared room with Donghyuck, "hyung," 

 

Jaehyun looks at the younger, puzzled. "yeah?"

 

"Can you watch Donghyuck closer for me?" Mark peeps at the open door to a sleeping lump of Donghyuck on the bed, his whole body covered with blanket. "I think he's sick but he won't tell me."

 

"Sure. I've noticed it too," the older replies. They both stare at Donghyuck's sleeping figure for a few seconds until Jaehyun turns his gaze to Mark again. "are you sure there's nothing going on between you two?" 

 

Mark was quick to shake his head, "I'm just worried about him. he's my best friend after all." 

 

But as Jaehyun drifted off to sleep, he didn't heard the muffled coughs and silent tears of Donghyuck, holding a lone anemone in his hand as he tried to force himself to sleep. 

 

~ 

 

Practice hours are literal hell. Donghyuck is sure more than glad that now it's over. He lies down on the floor of their practice room, hair messed up and his back all sweaty. He tries to catch his breath as he stares at the ceiling above him, I just want to sleep, forever. 

 

But his breathing came to a hitch when Mark came into view, wiggling his eyebrows. "you shouldn't lie down like that, you'll get sick. plus, Doyoung hyung will nag at you like forever. you know how he's like." Mark stretches his arm towards the younger, "c'mon, stand up."

 

Donghyuck swallows thickly before he grabs Mark's hand, the very same hand he's aching to hold all the time. "thanks, hyung." 

 

"No problem, Hyuckie." the older shuffles his slightly damp hair and hands him a bottle of water. Donghyuck was quick to accept it and chugs down the water as if he's been deprived of it (which is you know, kinda true. practice drains a lot of his body's water.) but it's because Donghyuck has learned before that drinking water calms his entire system, meaning he has less chances of throwing up flowers. 

 

The younger was packing up his things when mark comes up to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder in the process. "Let's eat somewhere later."

 

Donghyuck doesn't think it's a good idea, but he ends up raising his brow to the older. "Only if you pay."

 

"Wow," Mark grins. "I'll only pay because I love you."

 

Donghyuck tensed at what the other had said, luckily Mark didn't noticed it as he was busy babbling on about other things that Donghyuck had missed. 

 

I'll die soon if this continues, Donghyuck thinks. 

 

But of course, he still eats with his supposedly just 'best friend' on a bbq place near their dorm because he likes pain and making himself suffer. He's wondering when spending time with Mark became his most favorite thing in the world to the most dreaded situation he'll ever be in. 

 

Donghyuck's glad that for now, he was able to set aside his not-so-platonic feelings for his bandmate. They are back to being the old, silly best friends that they are. With Donghyuck throwing playful insults to Mark and Mark shrugging him off and continuing his random stories. Mark's happy, and for as long as Donghyuck sees the older happy, he's content with what they have. 

 

It's not until midnight that Donghyuck has woken up ever so abruptly, the flowers in his throat pleading to escape. He runs to the bathroom, clutching his mouth for fear that he accidentally throws up in the middle of the corridor. He feels like clawing his throat out; tears are prickling on the corner of his eyes and he may or may not have faintly seen a taint of blood mixed along the petals of anemones. 

 

"Donghyuck?"