Seulgi starts coughing near the end of winter, just as their hiatus begins. It starts off simple, an itch at the back of . Then it starts spreading, ticklish and painful in her chest that makes her want to claw out her lungs just to scratch at them. It gets painful quickly, a fluttering in her lungs that won’t leave and makes her feel like her lungs are rattling against her ribs and knocking painfully and hard on her heart. 

She learns to keep them hidden away, though, after coughing a bit too many times in the living room and getting quarantined to the couch with the thickest blanket in the dorm, a spoonful of the drowsiest cough medication stuffed into before she can protest. 

Seungwan is by her side as she falls asleep, knelt on the ground and petting her head. Her fingers comb through Seulgi's hair as she drowsily blinks, pretty face gentle and soothing. She smiles at her one last time before shuffling into the kitchen (presumably to get more honey water), and leaves behind the faint scent of summer. 

And the last thing Seulgi realises before the medicine takes over, is that what she has, no amount of honey water will fix. 

She stops coughing the next day, and Seungwan’s proud face when she talks about her miracle “Wan’s honey lemon” makes Seulgi taste the first twang of blood. 

She thanks whatever god there is that Red Velvet is on hiatus, as both Yerim and Sooyoung have gone back to their families to visit, and that Joohyun has her own bathroom. She only has to avoid Seungwan’s schedule to use the common bathroom - where she can finally collapse on the floor and dry heave into the toilet bowl, the shower running behind her. Her cough clogs with blood, burning her eyes and she feels as if she’s shattering from the inside out. A steady dribble of blood stains her skin, but the lump in the throat won’t leave. 

-

Two weeks after her cough begins, do the petals finally appear. 

Hydrangeas, she finds out later, after pathetically crying under the covers from the pain. 

And hydrangeas are not small flowers, despite google telling her otherwise. They are big, soft yet tough, and oh god it hurts so much when the first bud comes out, amongst clotted blood and petals. The entire bathroom reeks of blood and nectar. It smells of unrequited love, painful and familiar, and despite the hurting in her chest, Seulgi thinks nothing fits Seungwan more than hydrangeas. They're beautiful, half-bloomed and torn and bloody, but still so beautiful. Just like Seungwan. 

Amongst the small buds and torn petals, lies a single bloomed hydrangea, the petals are faintly blue, almost white. It feels ironic, that the petals are stained red, especially after she herself has said that Seungwan is pure; her flower clean. 

And so, she carefully puts it aside, and cleans out the rest of the mess. She collapses back onto her bed after, lungs burning, with that first flower held gingerly in her hand, and passes out. When she wakes, she gently wipes the flower down, cursing at herself for wasting time and causing the blood to dry into an ugly brown.

She goes out immediately to buy a litre of bleach and a bunch of air fresheners and candles. 

Seulgi never tells anyone, but she keeps that first flower, saves it in a little shoebox, stuffed under her bed. It doesn’t die, doesn’t rot, even after the dried blood turns crackly, even after days and days and the petals she coughs out grow bigger and bigger.

-

Seungwan drags her to a farmer’s market on a Sunday morning. She wears a pink crop top and jeans and manages to find a wicket basket to hold their groceries. When the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, Seungwan looks like an angel, smiling at her. 

She has to excuse herself three times to cough in the public toilets. The cleaner, an old lady with years of wisdom hiding in her eyes, tuts at her gently but wipes off the blood that she somehow missed.

Her face crinkles when Seulgi wheezes, but she can’t bring herself to care, especially when her lungs feel as though they are about to collapse. Black dots stain her vision as she wobbles on her feet. The old lady pats her on her back when she can finally catch her breath. Her own hands are full of blood and blue petals. 

“You poor thing,” she coos. “Are you sure he is worth this pain?”

“I’ll be okay, thank you for your help.” She smiles, as best she can, and stumbles out to find Seungwan before she begins to worry. 

She finds Seungwan at the florist, chatting happily with the assistant, a flower stuck behind her ear. The wind picks up slightly, and brushes along her hair, just as she tilts her head back to laugh. And of course Seungwan is worth the pain, with her bright smile and angel heart. She is worth everything, even when Seulgi really honestly feels like death.

She spits out the petals that stick to her tongue before Seungwan notices her presence. 

-

She hears the pitter patter of Seungwan’s feet before anything else. 

“Seulgi!” 

And there she is. Skidding to a stop at the kitchen doorway, cheeks bunched up and flushed. Her hair is a mess and her sweatpants bunched up at the calves. 

She chugs her glass of water, swallows whatever petals that find their way up. Choking on the bitter taste of blood and greenery, spluttering and spluttering but not letting a single red leave . Seungwan cannot know. 

“Oh no! Seulgi! Did I scare you,” Seungwan is immediately at her side, cool fingers at the back of her neck, fretting. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were drinking! Are you okay?” 

When Seulgi looks up, she sees the way Seungwan’s eyebrows are furrowed, cheeks fluffed out in concern, how could she not love her?

“It’s cool, Wannie.” If she stays still enough the pain in her chest can be mistaken as nothing, probably. “What got you so excited?” 

Seungwan squeals. How does she say she isn’t cute when she does things like this, Seulgi thinks. 

“Sooyoung and I got tickets to Bali for cheap! Well, actually Sooyoung got the tickets and offered them to me since I didn’t get to go with you guys the last time. I wish everyone could go though! And I’m sorry I can’t bring you along, I wish I could! But Sooyoung only managed to get two tickets and I can’t ask her not to go to bring you or Joohyun-unnie, and Yerim is still at home-“

She must look insane, staring all besotted at Seungwan with a silly smile plastered on her face. But Seungwan is absolutely adorable rambling with her hands gesturing wildly and eyebrows going everywhere. 

-

Seulgi may be wrapped up in her pain and wheezing, but Seungwan’s and Sooyoung’s excitement is infectious. 

And so when the inklings of spring comes along, she wakes up at an ungodly hour, coughs out a handful of petals with her eyes half-open into the wastebasket she’s taken to keeping beside her bed, and stumbles out into the harsh light of their living room.

To send them off. 

Joohyun is still asleep and so they do a hushed and hurried farewell by the shoe rack. 

Sooyoung hugs her first, sweeps her into her arms and tugs her in strong. “I’ll see you in a week unnie! Be good don’t do anything I’d do.” She earns a swat on the shoulder for that comment. 

And she manages to hold down the flowers until Seungwan gives her a final hug and lugs her luggage out of the door. 

“I’ll miss you, Seul. Text me every day! I’ll send you pictures!”

“You’re only going to be gone a couple of days, Seungwan-ah, no need to act as if you’ll be gone for years,” she retorts, eyes smiling. 

The scratchiness in her voice can be excused by the fact that it’s crazy early in the morning. Not because there’s blood gurgling in and petals lining the roof of . 

The moment she hears their boisterous laughter fade into the lift, she collapses to her knees, and chokes out five more petals, each one less bloody and more blue than the previous. 

When her head finally stops pounding, and her lungs stop threatening to give way, she staggers to her feet and quickly cleans up - scrubbing at the floor until the blood is but a faint pink smear. (Seulgi decides that she’ll bleach the floor when Joohyun isn’t in the house.) 

But for now, Seungwan’s perfume lingers and somehow it both soothes and hurts her lungs. Maybe it’s her heart that’s soothed and her lungs that burn. 

Seulgi spends the rest of the day moping in her room, coughing periodically through her naps, and goes through two boxes of tissues to keep her blood from staining her pretty white bed. 

When she’s finally lucid enough, the fog of pain clearing into hunger pangs, the sun has already begun setting, casting her room in an orange glow. 

She blinks once. Twice. Takes in a shuddering breath, and rolls out of bed. 

It’s dinner time. Joohyun should be wanting dinner too. 

It’s just the both of them at the dorm now, and she desperately wants a distraction from the mountain of bloodstained tissues and blue petals that have taken up residence on her bedroom floor. 

Joohyun doesn’t answer the knocks on her bedroom door. But Seulgi knows she’s in her room; she can hear the faint sound of the television playing. 

Maybe Joohyun has fallen asleep. God knows how many times it’s happened. (Joohyun has said the sound of the televisions helps her sleep.)

“Unnie!” She calls through the door, thumping herself on the chest to stop the rattling. “I’m coming in! You need dinner, I need dinner, and it’s hiatus now so we gotta eat as much as we can! Maybe some ttok-“ 

Her words die off when she opens the door.

Joohyun. Her, no, their leader, is curled up on the centre of her bed, small and fragile. There’s red everywhere, staining and staining, and she realises the TV is blasting because Joohyun is trying to drown out the way she’s retching and crying.

A petal slips from her lips just as a barely blossoming flower gets choked out of Joohyun. 

“Unnie!”

She tries to help Joohyun clean up, lifting her up and away from the spreading red, leans her onto her shoulder to ease her hacking coughs. But when she reaches for the petals- 

“Seulgi, no.” It’s soft, breezy, but the determination that rings through is clear. The red and blue is for Joohyun only. She huffs, but drapes one of Joohyun’s arm over her shoulder, and carefully, they both stagger out into the hallway and into her room instead.

At least her bed is clean enough for them.

She sits her by the edge of the bed, watches as Joohyun topples away and melts into the bed. 

And follows suit.

The bed is small, but when they’re both on their sides, facing each other, there’s enough space for the both of them.

“Unnie,” she whispers. A faint red still stains the corner of Joohyun’s mouth. And the blue under her eyes are beginning to look like the petals that are on the bedroom floor. “How long?”

Joohyun sighs. Her lungs rattle when she breathes out, and Seulgi can smell the sickly sweetness of the hydrangeas when her breath wafts over. It’s horribly familiar to her, and she has to hold in a swallow to stop the flowers from clawing their way out.

“Two months,” Joohyun says, resigned yet in love. Seulgi wonders if she will sound like that too, when she talks about her illness. “What about you?”

She splutters, scrabbling up into a sitting position. “W-what do you mean?” She’s been hiding her symptoms so well, but if Joohyun knows. , if Seungwan finds out-

Seungwan can’t find out. She can never find out. If her sweet Seungwan finds out, that her best friend, is being crushed by waves of flowers and pain, Seulgi thinks it’ll be more painful than drowning in her own blood. 

Joohyun saves her from a panic attack though, tugging her back down, snaking a bony arm around her waist. She smells homely, a mix of vanilla and summer flowers and the metallic tang of iron. 

“Seungwan doesn’t know,” she soothes. “But do you think you can hide this from me? I see the way you look at her, Seulgi-ah, it’s like looking at my own reflection.” 

It is true. She’s seen how Joohyun looks at Seungwan, all adoring and strong, as if she’s trying to catch all the stars that shimmer in Seungwan’s eyes. 

She looks at Seungwan the same way too. 

She sighs, or at least attempts to. Every breath she takes causes specks of blue to choke her.

“Almost a month.”

When this is all over. Maybe when they’re both in heaven after suffocating in flower petals, maybe they’ll be able to laugh about it. 

Best friends falling in love for the same girl who will never love them back. 

-

Seungwan likes coming into her room, somehow. She texts Seulgi at the weirdest times, and toddles into her room like a baby. And it’s not like she will ever deny Seungwan anything. 

This time, she’s curled up at the bottom of Seulgi’s bed like a puppy, snuggled into a t-shirt that’s way too big on her, eyes closed and peaceful. 

“It’s so cold, Seulgi-ah. Why is your air conditioner blasting all the time?” Seungwan curls up even more, and she can see the way Seungwan’s little toes wiggle in the socks. 

Her socks, that Seungwan stole, with tiny bears on them.

She rolls her eyes fondly, and ignores the white flash of pain that sears through her lungs when she in her next breath. There’s a gross whistle at the back of when she breathes. Hopefully Seungwan doesn’t notice it. 

“You know you can go under the covers, right? It’s wool, enough to keep your shivering warm.” 

Seungwan giggles, breathy and happy, and rolls over onto her back. She tilts her head up, and stares at Seulgi, upside down. Her smile is lopsided and Seulgi has never felt more in love. 

“Maybe I just want you to cuddle me,” Seungwan says, pouty. Her lips are pink, full. “It’s unbelievable how warm you are. My personal space heater.” 

The pain stretches even more - she can feel the roots winding and digging deeper. It’s growing and growing and yet Seulgi can never deny her anything. 

“Wannie...” 

It’s all she can say before her head spins and pain blooms from her chest. She grits her teeth, because Seungwan can never find out, and hold her arms out for Seungwan to crawl into.

Seungwan is surprisingly warm for a person who complains about the cold, clammy hands winding down under the covers to hold hers. 

When she falls asleep, Seulgi quietly pulls out a few more petals, tossing the bloodied tissues under her bed. 

burns. But it doesn’t burn as much as her heart, as it rages on for the girl in her arms. 

-

It’s midnight, and she’s found a movie that perfectly encapsulates their miserable life. 

No, of course it’s not Seungwan that made them miserable. She’s the only good thing that’s come out of this bloody, flower-filled situation. 

But anyway, Seulgi’s found a movie that encapsulates their miserable situation - it’s about a girl who has an unrequited crush on a girl at her workplace, and the movie centres around her dealing with Hanahaki. The only difference, is that she chooses surgery in the end, and falls in love with a different man. She clambers her way into Joohyun’s bed, and forces the both of them to watch this movie. 

It feels like a punishment of sorts. 

 “This movie is terribly homophobic, if you think about it,”  Joohyun says, towards the end. And yet she leans into Seulgi and continues paying attention. 

Seulgi thinks that it’s why Joohyun is amazing like that; the movie but she still watches it with genuine sincerity, because Seulgi asked her to.

A second seed takes root in her heart. 

The credits of the movie roll by. Can it even be considered a happy ending, if the main character is happy with another person instead? The flowers once in her lungs removed and memories forgotten? 

They emptily watch the words fly by. Joohyun starts coughing first, chest rattling and rattling as petals spill out of . She’s not far behind.

It’s like a competition that neither of them signed up for. Red dot the duvet and blue piles up. 

When it’s over Seulgi feels as though her life as been cut short by 10 years. 

They sit there for a while, staring at the crimson petals scattered everywhere. They know they should clean up, especially with Seungwan home. Maybe flush them down the toilet or tear them into shred before washing them down the drain. But neither of them move an inch. She holds a lone blue petal in her palm.

"Seulgi-ah," Joohyun asks quietly. "Have you ever thought about having surgery to remove the flower?"

The single petal in her hand gets crushed.

Have the surgery? Willingly remove her feelings for Seungwan, lose the way her heart skips every time she sees Seungwan’s smile? Forget how the sound of Seungwan’s laughter worms between her ribs and warms her up? Discard the way loving Seungwan brings her the one joy in the world? 

"Never," she replies. She forces her fingers to open up, revealing the crumpled petal "That would never be an option."

The silence hangs on.

Before. 

“Good. Me neither.” 

Joohyun lays another petal onto her palm, fingers sticky and staining her hand red. She places the petal there, watches it get cradled against Seulgi’s own crumpled one, and then holds her hand. 

It’s a knowledge that nobody else would understand.

Her heart skips a bit.

That’s new.

-

Joohyun decides to bring her out for a camping trip out in the outskirts. 

“You and I both need a break from this,” she mindlessly gestures at their position, half-cuddled on the couch, a documentary on pause as they way for Seungwan to come back from the toilet. 

She lets her head fall onto Joohyun’s shoulder, breathing in the mix of hydrangea and vanilla, and nods her head.

“What are you guys talking about?” Seungwan pops up from behind the couch, startling Joohyun, who yelps and jumps half a feet. 

And Seungwan laughs and laughs, her dimple flashing and nose scrunched up. A petal lodges itself in , and she can only watch in silence, as Joohyun flicks at Seungwan’s forehead, gently, of course, before drawing her between them because of Seungwan’s pout. 

When she is finally confident that opening won’t start a scream, she replies Seungwan. “Just talking about how short you are.”

“Yah!!”

Seungwan’s indignant face is adorable.

The roots of the hydrangea plant is definitely growing, she feels them throughout her chest. Festering and nourishing the plant, a physical reminder that her love is not returned. 

A glance at Joohyun tells her that she’s also realising the same thing.

Reality sets in fast when you’re two heartbeats away from roots in your heart. 

They pitch a tent in an empty clearing, and Joohyun laughs ruefully when the tent collapses on itself. 

The burn in their chests fades a little, clog in their throats clearing slightly. 

Joohyun looks so at peace and happy gazing up into the night sky, and Seulgi realises, a catch in her breath and pang in her heart, that holy , she’s beginning to fall for Joohyun too. 

Then Joohyun turns, adoring eyes catching hers, and smiles, brilliant and wonderful and the love that settles under her ribs blooms so beautifully.

This time, it doesn’t hurt, though. A pleasant surprise. 

She holds Joohyun’s hand under the starry sky. It’s quiet. All they hear are the faint sounds of nature. A nice break from the bustle of the city. She clears .

“Wannie-“ she waits for Joohyun’s hacking to begin. And waits for her own wave of nausea to come. 

It’s a bad one for Joohyun this time, as she slips her hand from Seulgi’s, clutching at while she coughs and heaves into the grass. A reminder of their love for Seungwan. Seungwan... 

A burst of pain manages to squeeze past her own lips, and suddenly she feels like she’s on fire, burning and shuddering on the grass with Joohyun. 

Sticky petals tumble out onto the ground. Crumpled and bluer than ever, even through the sticky red. 

“,” Joohyun gasps. She carelessly wipes with the back of her hand, smearing blood across her cheek. Seulgi thinks she’s never looked more beautiful under the moonlight. “For something that smells so sweet, it sure tastes like .” 

There’s still something heavy and scratching against the back of , but it won’t come out, even with more dry heaving, and so she gives up, offering a painful laugh for Joohyun’s statement. 

They lean against each other, soothed for the moment, before Seulgi speaks up again. She needs to finish her sentence, because as much as it hurts, they still love Seungwan too damn much to fight the pain. “Wannie would love this place.”

Joohyun sighs, reverence in the way her fingers graze over the petals on the ground. “She would. Seungwan belongs...” A small cough wheezes out, picked up by the breeze and carried away into the night. 

She doesn’t need to finish her sentence for Seulgi to understand.

Seungwan belongs in the moonlight, in the freedom, and in the beauty of love. 

“You should bring her here sometime, unnie.”

“I think I will.” 

****************************

next chapter would be the final chapter, and im alr halfway done with it so that means this is the first few fics that will actually be finished. it probably doesnt really make sense tbh? i rushed this out in a sitting because i had many feelings after reading a wenrene fic about hanahaki. if u want you can also listen to troye sivan's talk me down - it was the song i wrote this story around too. 

if youre free too, please please come talk to me about unrequited crushes and loves and this hanahaki disease because i would love to know your thoughts and headcanons about it - its so curious to me, to think about a physical manifestation of your love, and how painful it must be to be reminded that the person who you love, doesnt love you back. part of me wishes that it exists, but the bigger part of me is grateful it doesnt. its ed up.