“Happy birthday!”

It was the fifth of February. We cheered, glasses of champagne and beers lifted creating a cheerful noise. The five of us were gathered in our usual bar, with our usual people, celebrating our birthday. It was quite a lively night.

He was seated beside me. Kim Jaejoong. All smiles and busy taking selfies with Junsu. The glass on his hand was constantly emptied and refilled. Look at him, I would never get anywhere near his alcohol tolerance. It was his tenth glass of old fashioned, and yet he remained stone cold sober. Jaejoong is Jaejoong after all.

Although, he did dress quite differently tonight.

Instead of his usual band shirt and ripped jeans, he was sharp and clean-cut; crisp white shirt under a grey suit... pretty.

“You’re staring.” Yoochun nudged my shoulder.
“No?” I avoided his eyes.
“Dude.”
“I’m... Observing the party.”
“He’s your entire party?”
“ off.” I nudged him back.

After a few more teasing words he left me alone, laughing, and I knew Jaejoong had heard that. He just pretended that he hadn’t.

We all knew what was going on, at least the five of us. Especially Changmin. He was so done with my sad one-sided love story, tonight he kept his distance as much as possible.

As for the rest of the guest, they were just acquaintances. Ironically, most of them thought Jaejoong and I were dating. Well…

“Yunho-yah.” Jaejoong leaned on my shoulder, snuggling under my jaw. He smelled like vanilla. “Take a picture with me.”

The crowd cheered, and instead of pulling away he nuzzled my neck and took a selfie -- driving our friends wild. “Kiss!” They shouted and I rolled my eyes, looking away. I knew Jaejoong didn’t mean anything by doing that.

“Hey, they said we should kiss.” He tugged on my collar.

“Are they paying?” I lifted my eyebrows.

He laughed, “I wish.”

After a couple more selfies he made himself comfortable, hugging my arm, resting his head on my shoulder. There he stayed. Quietly sipping on his beer, scrolling through his phone.

… they didn’t think we’re lovers without any reason.

We’ve held our birthday parties together so many times. It was a ritual; the cakes, the drinks, everything was mostly the same. We came here knowing what to expect. Even the invitees were so used to that, they exchanged light conversations like second nature.

“Guys!” Jaejoong abruptly exclaimed. The conversations stopped, and everyone was looking at him, but his attention stayed on his phone. For some reason I felt uneasy.

“He said yes.”
“He who?” Junsu blinked at the vague announcement.

Yoochun and Changmin left their seats and shifted closer to us. To me.

“He Yu.” The birthday boy sat back down slowly, a wide smile on his face. “He said yes. We’re going on a date next Saturday.”

“Yu who now?” Changmin threw himself right between me and Jaejoong, peeking into the screen. I knew that he was trying to create some distance between us, and it snapped me back to reality. I shifted further away from them.

“Remember the model I met earlier, the Japanese guy?” Jaejoong chirped

“Oh, that huge- dude.” Changmin lifted his eyebrows. “What’s so good about him?”

Jaejoong pouted, “Well, he’s really cool, okay. And he has a steady job.”

“Hmmm...” The younger skeptically hummed.

“What?”

“I mean if that was it, Yunho’s cool, and he has a steady job.” Changmin sipped his beer, eyes glanced at me.

“And?” Jaejoong laughed.

“Why don’t you just date Yunho, then?”

This guy, seriously. Naturally the people around us started teasing, so I took a step forward to shut Changmin --

“What are you saying? Yunho’s family, don’t be silly.”

-- but Jaejoong’s answer froze me in place.

I couldn’t help but notice how he subtly avoided me after that. I still remember the way people looked at me for the rest of the night.

Jaejoong
[Yunhooooo, you want the chocolate one right?]

My phone buzzed, I sat up from my bed to check his text. It’s ten months after, and he’s been dating the Japanese model since, yet...

Jaejoong
[If you’re not replying, I’ll just get you both cakes. See you in two hours!♡ ]

He still came to my apartment every Tuesday. I’m two hours away from his place, minus traffic. Sometimes he would call me on his drive, leaving the call connected without either of us saying anything.

I threw my phone to the bed. Shower, groceries, Jaejoong is coming to cook me meals for the week, I need to do all that before he arrives. And I know that I should stop doing this.

“You’re a ing idiot.”

Changmin is right. He’s seeing someone else. In my defense, he doesn’t seem all that happy.

“He’s going out with that guy, Yunho. You need to move on.”

Yes, but Yoochun doesn’t know Jaejoong the way I do. Sure they talk a lot, but not like us. I’ve known him for a long time, and frankly, it doesn’t work that way.

And it’s not like I never tried. I’ve been to dates, meeting other people. Beautiful, smart, successful people, who are all attractive and interesting… but they’re not Jaejoong. Jaejoong is insane in his ways, and sometimes very broken.

Maybe I just knew him way too much, and it’s hard to picture my life without him.

I doubt Yoochun has ever seen Jaejoong curled up in his apartment, refusing to eat for days. He never hand fed him, watching life come back into his eyes little by little. Changmin most definitely never picked him up in the middle of the street, lost, crying, after a beating from an ex-boyfriend.

They never saw him unfurl, hurt, vulnerable --- not the way that I do. I’ve seen Jaejoong on his lowest and his best, his dreams, favourites, and every little thing.

He needs me.

The cold shower got me going, and grocery went by quickly. Jaejoong told me what to get every week. He knew how helpless I am in the kitchen, so he made sure I got all the nutrients that I need.

He would come and cook dishes that I could reheat easily, spending all day working in my kitchen, making my favourite dishes -- all that without me even having to ask.

The weather was getting colder, and I hurried back to my apartment. By the time I got back Jae was already standing in front of my door, cheeks turning red from the cold.

“I got cakes and strawberries.” He grinned.

“I’ll just go.” Jaejoong wiped the tears off his cheek, grabbing his car key.

“No, stay. Tell me what’s wrong.” Junsu groaned, pulling his friend back to the sofa. “You can’t go on like this, Jaejoong-hyung.”

“It’s just… you won’t get it.” Jaejoong's teary eyes glanced at a picture of Junsu and his girlfriend.

“I can try!!” Junsu frustratedly clenched on the other’s arm, surprising the older. “I don’t get it, but I can try. You can’t just go to Yunho-hyung every single time.”

Jaejoong placed his car key back on the table, eyes looking down apologetically. They were in Junsu’s apartment, it was almost midnight. Jaejoong came by earlier to drop some documents. They ended up talking, and when Junsu was telling him about his own relationship, Jaejoong suddenly exploded.

“I need to see Yunho, he’ll... know what to do.”

“Look, if it's about your relationship... I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I haven't been through what you guys have." The younger sighed, "But you do know what you’re doing, though?” He tightened his grip, “You do know how Yunho feels about you?”

Jaejoong leaned his back to the sofa, closing his eyes, letting his tears fall. He knows, of course he does. He’s not blind. It’s just not that easy.

“If you really need to see him, please don’t be cruel.” Junsu stood up, cleaning up their tea cups. “I’m his friend too, and if you break his heart, I’ll hate you.”

Jaejoong smiled, “Would you?”

Junsu walked to the kitchen, mumbling, “No.”

“Hyung.”

After calling my name three times and got no response, Changmin nudged my arms with his feet. I opened my eyes. My head was hurting, there were noises in my ears, and I felt sick.

“Get up.” He kneeled. “Can you?”

I tried to look back at him with struggle, and seeing my pathetic state he sighed in sympathy. Changmin might be harsh sometimes, but he has never been cruel. He gave me a hand and lifted me up. That night I was out cold in front of my apartment. thankfully I managed to call Changmin before passing out.

Sometimes it ended up like this. Jaejoong came over and poured his heart out, and in exchange I turned into a drunk mess.

“You should stop seeing him, hyung.” He helped me to the sofa, then walked to the kitchen.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you?”

My phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket to see who it was, but Changmin snatched it away, replacing it with a glass of water. Sometimes I felt like I was the younger one. I drank the water and dozed off soon after. The last thing I heard was the sound of my phone buzzing.



*click*


“Jaejoong-hyung.”
—
“Yunho-hyung is sick.”
—
“Yes, it’s because of you! --- no, look. This isn’t right, hyung.”
—
“I’m not telling you what to do. But if you really care... you know what to do.”

To : Jaejoong
[It’s Thursday, and I’m starving. Where’s my grocery list?]

[Are you okay?]

I waited all week, but there was no answer. All my calls were declined. For some reason it felt liberating. On the other hand I really missed him. I asked around, Junsu said he probably went overseas with his boyfriend ‘or something’. It felt bitter. If that was true, he would’ve at least sent me a message.

Have I been deserted?

“It’s for your own sake!”

Changmin barked. He held his cheeks, lying on the floor of our usual bar. The place was quite empty, but people were staring at us. Yoochun held me back, I pushed him off.

“You don’t know him, Changmin.” I heaved, my hand stinging from the harsh impact against his cheek. “It’s been three months! You don’t know what might happen.”

“ what might happen to him,” He stood up, “you were hurting.”

“That’s not for you to decide!”

He stared solemnly towards me, and I knew he was doing this out of goodwill. But Jaejoong didn’t work that way. Changmin didn't know. People think that he has Junsu, or Yoochun, but he only has me. If something was to happen, he would be lost.

“What did you do?” I hissed.

“I told him he was hurting you.”

“I was fine!”

“You weren’t! Look at you now, you’re better off without him!”

I threw another punch, and regretted it immediately. He kept his gaze away from me. I knew this time I was the one hurting him. Changmin was trying to be a good friend, and here I am acting like a fool. I kneeled to offer him a hand.

“He’s at his apartment.” He mumbled.

“You’ve been in touch?” I pulled him up and apologized. He brushed it off.

“He's been looking for you.”

‘Bang!’

It’s the middle of a Thursday night. His neighbour will get angry, but I don’t care.

‘Bang! Bang!’

A couple minutes passed and there was no response. ‘He’s probably out.’ I told myself. My fingers tapped his number in my phone through muscle memory. ‘He’s with his boyfriend.’ I dialed. There was no answer. I dialed again, but this time I pressed my ears to his front door.

His ringtone. He’s inside.

“Jaejoong!” I banged on the door again, “It’s me!”

“Yunho?” He picked up his phone.

“Hey,” my heart raced, “Is everything okay? I’m outside.”

“I’m sorry.” A sob, “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’ll be fine, please open the door. It’s gonna be okay.”

Soon enough the lock was opened, and I was met with a very disheveled Jaejoong. He jumped straight into my arms, hugging me tightly. His shoulders were trembling and suddenly I felt like crying too. I saw the bones on the nape of his neck. He has lost so much weight.

“It’s cold, let’s go inside.” I patted his hair.

We were very young when we first met. I didn’t particularly like him, and neither did he. But we ended up being in the same class. Same middle school, high school, until finally we lived together through college. I knew all of his boyfriends. He knew all of mine too; nobody. I never had any.

His parents got to know mine, and they got along. They trusted Jaejoong in my hands, and to this day I’m still unsure what they meant by that.

Breakups, failures and everything in between, I have seen how much Jaejoong has grown over the years, as a friend, as a family, but never more. Not that I didn’t want it. He was just… so much more.

“I can’t live without you.” He sobbed. We were sitting on his bed, him curled between my arms. “I’m sorry. I’m being selfish, I’m so sorry.”

I chuckled, patting his hair constantly. That usually calms him down. “And I will die from malnutrition without you. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yunho.” He looked up. “I’m sorry I didn’t cook for you. I’m sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have asked you about Yu, that was my problem--”

“Shush.” I covered his mouth, but he kept crying. It made me want to kiss him, but that’s not what he needed. “It’s all over now, isn’t it? It’ll be okay. You’ll meet someone better.”

I knew he wanted to say more. He wanted to say that Yu was the best guy he had ever met, the kindest -- and how no one would ever compare. And I actually might agree. Despite the hurt, I knew that guy was at least being good to him.

“He’s never around.” He sobbed. “He works all the time, I wish I was as busy. I’m a failure, I’m too lonely.”

“Okay,” I pulled him out of the bed. “Let’s get you out of here.” He stared at me, tears dripping down. “We’re going to the bar. Now go shower.”

“Now?”

“Everyone has been waiting for you, Jae.” I ruffled his hair, “And it’ll make you feel better.”

He was laughing at Junsu’s new haircut. The answer was always to go out and meet our friends. Junsu put on his hat again, pushing beer in Jaejoong’s face to make him stop laughing. Yoochun’s at the corner, recording them and laughing his off.

“They broke up?” Changmin whispered.

“Didn’t you know?”

“Hmm, I had a hunch.”

Jaejoong glanced at me and we locked eyes, as if he was saying thank you. Soon he got back to messing with Junsu. Changmin watched our subtle exchange, as he usually does, and sighed.

“I can’t with you two.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve always loved each other.”

“You two!” Jaejoong shouted, startling both of us. “Let’s take a picture with bowl haircut right here!”

“Yaaah!!” Junsu protested, but we both quickly joined them.

“Hey, remember this?” I took the worn old photograph out of the box.

“Oh, Junsu’s hair, poor guy!” He laughed and took the picture off my hands.

“His girlfriend made him do it.”

“Hey, you think their kids would like this?” He grinned. “He would kill us though.”

“Oh yeah, this definitely would amuse those rascals. But maybe a couple years from now.” I wrapped my hands around his shoulders.


Jaejoong rested his head on mine, his hair smelled like the food he just cooked, and I could see the strands of white hairs -- not that I would mention it to him. It would shock him, and he’d rush to the salon immediately. I laughed to myself at the image, and Jaejoong looked up at me.


“What?” He blinked.

“Nothing.” I rested my jaw on the top of his head. “When will your husband pick you up?”

“Any minute now.” He yawned, “You wanna come with us? We’re getting lobster.”

“Nah, I don’t want to come between you two.”

“What are you talking about?” Jaejoong laughed. “You’re family, Yunho." His finger brushed a strand of hair off my cheek, "Don’t be silly.”