『The things expected of me were always a little above
where I could reach with the stretch of my two hands,
the world's standards increasingly like Everest.』

 

There had been a time when the unsaid expectations of him where too much to bear.  He was the oldest son.  He had a younger sister.  His parents weren't getting any younger and he knew how much his father wanted to retire.  He had caught his mother crying alone too many times.  He had been at the receiving end of hurtful words from his father - a culmination of frustration, worry, and disappointment.

There had been a time when walking home late at night, he'd stare out into the sea of headlights and think, "What if one of these cars swerved and hit me right now?"  He was weary - both in body and in spirit.  Life had pushed him to the edge of a cliff and these expectations - that had definitely been there for his well-being at some point - were no more than devious schemes to try and make him jump at the brink.

There had been a time when the longing for 'home' was so strong that he would ache from somewhere deep within him.  Sure, there was a house where his parents lived.  Sure, there was an apartment where he was living.  But 'home' had been lost to him since high school and he had been so busy trying to find a place in the world, trying not to get lost in the sea of faces, that he was farther from 'home' than he had ever been.  Now, he was just floundering and trying to get back, but maybe 'home' was gone now.  Or maybe 'home' never existed.

 

This time, when Minseok looks at his caller ID, it says "Kim Junmyeon".  He hesitates, but eventually picks up.

"Hello?"

"Kim Minseok!  Long time no see!"

Junmyeon's voice is cheerful and he wants to meet and catch up because it's been too long.  But Minseok just laughs, a noise that sounds like sighs in short succession.

"Sorry, Junmyeon-ah, I'm busy these days..."

 

He pushes the call back to the recesses of his mind.  He doesn't want to go drinking again because that's how these things end - with alcohol.  Because very time, he gets drunk, an apparition visits him, no matter where he is, no matter who he's with.  So Minseok doesn't think about it and he makes it until the end of the day.  Once he's back in his studio apartment, he opens a can of beer and opens a bag of chips.  Tan curls around his lap and Minseok thinks that this could be his little slice of happiness.  But his phone rings yet again, breaking the lull and causing Minseok to grimace.

He half expects it to be Junmyeon again, but he's surprised at the name on his lock screen.

"Do Kyungsoo" it says.

This time, maybe it's the half can of beer sitting in his belly, but Minseok doesn't hesitate.

"Hello?"

"Hyung."

"Yeah."

The sound of Kyungsoo's voice had always put a smile on Minseok's face.  Deep and reassuring, Minseok had once thought that Kyungsoo's voice reminded him of 'home'.

"Are you doing OK?"

Minseok chuckles.  This is why he likes Kyungsoo so much.  It's not "Are you doing well?" because Minseok can't say yes to that.  Nor is it "How are you doing?" because where would Minseok start?  Instead, it's "Are you doing OK?"  Because that one is a question Minseok can answer.

"Yeah.  I'm alright."

"We just finished promotions last week.  We have a break now until the end of the month."

Minseok nods as if Kyungsoo is right in front of him.  His fingers mess with the beer can's tab, bending the aluminum tab.   

"I've been thinking about you lately.  And I want to see your face, hyung."

Minseok exhales through his nose.  He'd said no to Junmyeon but Minseok's always found it hard to deny Kyungsoo.

"Me too" Minseok admits eventually.  "I want to see your face too."

Because it's true.  And though Minseok sees Kyungsoo often on the brown screen at work and all around town on advertisement posters, he misses Kyungsoo's true face - the one without make up or styled hair or colored contact lenses.

"Let's do that, Kyungsoo-yah.  Let's meet."

 

 

❆

 

 

Kyungsoo texts Minseok the name of a Japanese restaurant in Cheongdamdong. 

"Where should I drop you off?" asks the taxi driver, breaking Minseok from his zoned out view of the fancy streets.

"In front of Seonggu Station please."

Getting off the taxi, Minseok's already nervous staring up at the glittering store front.  The place looks expensive.  He smoothes his shirt and adjusts his cardigan, hoping his attire is formal enough.

When he enters, a women in a kimono asks for his name.

"Ah, my name is Kim Minseok, but the reservation should be-"

"This way, please."

He follows the lady, who's taking small steps in the constricting kimono, past the main dining area and down a low lit hallway.  It's quieter as the white noise of the other diners fade into the distance.

"Here you go.  Room B."

She bows after opening the door.  And before Minseok can tell her 'thank you', he sees Kyungsoo, smiling up at him from his seat.  

Kyungsoo gets up to hug Minseok and Minseok hugs back firmly.  He'd missed his dongsaeng very much and the emotion is multiplied by seeing Kyungsoo in the flesh.  Kyungsoo ushers Minseok back into VIP room table, seating him at the chair next to his.  And Minseok had figured that it would be something like this because Kyungsoo and Junmyeon are celebrities now.  No need to cause a stir by eating at the open dining area.  But the large silence of the room is intimidating and added to the fact that Kyungsoo's eyes are boring holes into Minseok's face, Minseok clams up, unsure.

"Hyung, it's been a long time."

The younger man opens his mouth first.  Minseok listens to Kyungsoo talking and the voice should be a little unfamiliar to him because he hasn't seen Kyungsoo in a very long time, but the voice is all too familiar because he's heard it on TV just yesterday.

"Yeah" Minseok agrees.  "It has been a while.  You... look good."

Kyungsoo laughs a little, adjusting his glasses.

"Do I?"  Kyungsoo asks, but Minseok notices that Kyungsoo doesn't say the same for him.

 

 

All they do after is discuss what they should order.  Minseok balks a little at the prices, but tries to hide it.  Kyungsoo doesn't notice (or maybe he pretends not to notice) and goes on talking in dulcet tones about the quality of the fish here and how he's spoken with one of the chefs here before.  Kyungsoo is still talking about the food when the door slides open again.

"Kim Minseok!" comes a whining voice.

Minseok gets up.  

"Junmyeon-ah."

The next thing he knows, Junmyeon's hugging him, but also complaining about how Minseok said yes to Kyungsoo but no to him.

"I thought you would put me first over Kyungsoo.  I'm your friend you know.  Friends!"

And here, Junmyeon's talking about being same-aged friends, so Kyungsoo and Minseok laugh.  It's an old inside joke about how Minseok had only found out later that Junmyeon was actually a year younger.  It had been too late of course, they'd dropped the formalities.  But it didn't matter now.  Minseok had dropped formalities with all the members, even - 

Minseok smiles awkwardly, apologetically.  Kyungsoo's eyes flicker to Minseok's face, then back to Junmyeon.

"Hyung" Kyungsoo turns to Junmyeon.  "We were talking about what to order."

"Ah!" Junmyeon grabs the menu and just like that he's talking excitedly about how he's been craving sea urchin these days.

Minseok sips his ice cold water, gulping down the water that doesn't want to go down.  In the presence of these two, it's too easy to get mired in the past.  Sure, it's comforting and fun while they're together in this allotted space.  But Minseok knows that once he's back in his apartment alone, everything will come crashing down.  He hopes he doesn't throw up after the meal.  After all, he thinks, glancing at the prices of what's being ordered, it would be a waste.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo and Minseok were never very talkative.  But thanks to Junmyeon, the topics range from music to the latest Marvel movie. 

"Last Halloween, Chanyeol - "  Junmyeon is saying.

And Minseok freezes.  They've steered clear of talking about the other members for now, but Minseok supposes it's time.  He braces himself. 

"And he was so mad!"  Junmyeon cackles.  "He wasn't even able to attend the party, so he didn't win.  Remember, Kyungsoo?  Remember?"

Kyungsoo nods, but his eyes do that flickering motion again, making Minseok squirm in his seat. 

"Should we order some sake?" Kyungsoo asks.

Junmyeon agrees happily.  Kyungsoo looks at Minseok, searchingly.

"Did you bring a car?"

Minseok shakes his head.  They both know he doesn't own a car.

"Our manager can drop you off!" Junmyeon says gleefully, unaware of the subtle probing question.

And briefly, Minseok thinks about the expense of tonight's meal.  But in the end, he waves their concerns away (as well as his own), and nods.

"Bring on the alcohol."

 

The sake is delivered and cups are distributed.  They clink cups and the alcohol is sweet on Minseok's lips.

"But what about you, hyung?" Kyungsoo asks.  "What did you do for Halloween?"

Minseok shrugs.

"I just worked.  My life is boring."

He laughs, self-deprecating.  And he hates that at times like this, Junmyeon's mouth is full.  The awkward silence is deafening and he doesn't want to meet Kyungsoo's eyes, fearing there is pity there. 

"You're working towards your license, right hyung?" Kyungsoo continues.  "A barista license?"

"Oh!  Our Minseok-ee is finally acheiving his dream!" Junmyeon exclaims.  "You always did love coffee."

Junmyeon's alcohol content is already showing on his cheeks.  Minseok chuckles, looking down at his own sake cup.  It's not his dream, he wants to correct.  At least, not the one that matters.

Instead, he says, "You were always such a lightweight."

Kyungsoo laughs and Junmyeon protests, blaming the lighting of all things.  And Minseok tries to focus on not drinking too much.  But the more they talk, the more Minseok finds himself drinking to dispel the awkwardness.  The more questions they ask, the more Minseok finds himself knocking back the cups of sake as he sidesteps the curious looks.

 

Once they polish off a few bottles, Junmyeon gets a little depressing and a lot pedantic.

"I really miss you Minseok-ah, you know that?" Junmyeon slurs.  "The... the group dynamics.  They're just not the same!  Everyone just walks all over me."

And it's cute how Junmyeon pouts.  It's adorable when Kyungsoo tells him, "It's because we're fond of you, hyung" with a soft genuine smile.  But Minseok just wishes Junmyeon would shut up now.

"You know, everyone took it so so hard.  When you left like that -  Well, I'm sure you had a hard time as well.  But-  You know?  While you were off living out your dreams of college, we took it real hard."

Minseok closes his eyes.  He can hear Kyungsoo muttering now, "Hyung, you've had too much to drink."

But even Kyungsoo's too tipsy to successfully maneuver the conversation like he's been doing the whole night.

"Especially Jongin" Junmyeon says, sighing.  "It took him so long to finally admit he was hurting.  And when he did -"

Junmyeon sighs again, this time, deeper.

"He was a wreck you know.  Practicing all the time.  Working so hard that he was practically killing himself.  He was sick you know.  For a long while - I mean, he's better now but-"

Minseok turns his head.  There's enough alcohol in him that the ghost appears, silent but right on time.  Jongin's hologram floats in the corner of the room, looking at him, smiling.

"Say something!" Minseok wants to shout.  "Yell at me!  Get mad!"

But Minseok doesn't say a word and Jongin isn't really there.

Minseok bites his lip.  He can't hear this anymore, so he stands, chair clattering behind him.  Junmyeon is slouched over the table, half asleep now.  

"Bathroom" Minseok tells them before he leaves the room.

 

Out in the hallway, the air seems a lot lighter.  He breathes deeply and starts walking.  He's not sure where the restrooms are.  It's not like he really has to go.  He's trying to clear his mind.  He pretends the apparition behind him isn't following him whereever he goes.  He tries to think about something, anything, other than Kim Jongin.  And when his eye catches the front desk, he thinks, "Ah, there's that."

The woman in the kimono looks up at him.  "Sir?"

"I... I wanted to pay.  For the meal in VIP Room B." 

The woman bows.  "Very good, Sir."

He's waiting for the receipt when a warm hand covers his wrist with a firm grip.  Suddenly and quite impossibly, Minseok thinks, "Oh, it's him."

But it's just the alcohol and Minseok turns to find Kyungsoo looking at him sternly with furrowed brows. 

"I was going to treat today.  I called us out here."

Minseok shakes his head.

"But hyung, I-"

Minseok covers Kyungsoo's hand with his other.

"Please" Minseok whispers.  "At least let me have this, Kyungsoo-yah."

Kyungsoo drops his hand and steps back a little, nodding.   Minseok turns back to the lady in the kimono, taking out his wallet.  Minseok watches as the employee swipes his card.  Then, hesitating, he leans in.

"Can you do a three month payment?" Minseok whispers.

One of the woman's perfectly drawn brows raises, but she nods curtly and discretely. 

He puts his card away once he signs the copy and bows at the wowman.  When he turns, Kyungsoos waiting for him, pretending to be interested in the fish tank lining one of the walls.  He walks with Kyungsoo, back to the private room.  And even in that moment, the mirage of Jongin dances a few steps in front of them.  He looks happy.

"Kyungsoo-yah" Minseok turns to the younger man.  "I think I'll just go home for today.  I think I had too much to drink."

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to protest, but Minseok smiles weakly, shaking his head, and adds, "Tell Junmyeon for me?"

Kyungsoo nods and hugs him.  In his ear, Kyungsoo whispers, "Don't forget we're always going to be brothers, hyung."

"Thanks Kyungsoo-yah."

 

 

The next part is fuzzy as he somehow hobbles home, cries in the shower, and eventually tries to sleep.

 

 

❆

 

 

Sometimes, he wishes someone would just take control of his life.  He would willingly be the marionette if it meant less pain and less of feeling this way every time he thought of a certain boy (no, he was a man now).  His lips twist bitterly into a semblence of a smile when EXO once again pops up on the television screen.  It's just his luck that Kim Jongin is a superstar.  He doesn't think about how he could have been shining alongside him.  There's not many people in the cafe now and he's the only one working the front, so he takes up the remote to change the channel.  Anything, anything else would be better than this torture.  

"Oh, can we go back to the previous channel, please?  We were watching that."

The three women at the table closest to the counter shoot Minseok with slightly annoyed eyes.  As if saying, "Why did you turn the channel?"  

"Ah" Minseok bows and apologizes as he turns the channel back.  "I'm sorry."

His cheeks turn pink at the small interaction like he's been caught doing something wrong.  The customers' attention go back to the screen, but Minseok plasters on a polite smile.  He stifles a sigh because the women are still within hearing range.  He grabs a rag and starts wiping down the counter so that he can keep his eyesight down.

It's just his luck, Minseok thinks.  Because perhaps he was already fated to love this boy.

 

 

Many aspects of Minseok's life are still littered with the presence of Kim Jongin.  Or maybe it's that Minseok's just particularly sensitive to him.  Whatever it is, it's like an unescapable and pesky ghost that's constantly clinging at his back.  Sometimes, it's the mirage of Kim Jongin's voice whispering into his ear.  Sometimes, it's the echo of touches along his body. 

It was puppy love, he tries to reason with himself.  They were too young for it to have been anything serious.  If anything, it was a mistake, he tells himself.

 

That night too, Minseok goes to bed and closes his eyes, trying to sleep.  But instead of sleeping, he dreams.

 

 

❆

 

 

 

It had been a couple of weeks after celebrating Junmyeon's birthday.  The warm spring air was turning into something hotter and heavier in preparation for a classic Korean summer.  So, when Minseok walked into the small practice room in the late morning, the others had thought it was because of the heat.  But when Junmyeon had opened his mouth to remark about how it was unusual for Minseok not to be in the practice room from the crack of dawn, Minseok had beat him to it.

"I'm quitting" he had said, eyes a little detached from emotion as he spoke softly to Junmyeon.  "I'm thinking of enrolling in college."

Though Minseok's speaking to Junmyeon, everyone else hears and everyone is shocked, unable to say anything for the next three minutes, until-

"Hyung, why-?" comes Kyungsoo's small voice.

Minseok shakes his head, still only looking at Junmyeon.

"There's no guarantee that we'll debut.  And even if you guys do, there's no guarantee that I'll be included."

"That's nonsense!  We're a team!" Chanyeol protests.

"I'm a realistic person.  I want to apply and go to college before it's too late.  If this doesn't work out, what am I going to do as a living?"

It's the age old question that many trainees have, so no one can say much in rebuttal.  But there's a look of betrayal and sadness in Jongin's eyes and Minseok wonders, why do you look like that when I'm the one giving up my dream?