『I'm goaded to take one more step, one more step
But when I lift my head, I'm facing a cliff.』

 

The cicadas had been chirping so loudly, enough so that Minseok can barely hear his own voice.  He still remembers that summer night like it was yesterday.

Despite the humid weather, Minseok's skin had felt clammy and cold.  The younger boy in front of him barely reached up to Minseok's nose.

"Happy birthday, hyung."

"Yeah."

"You're eighteen now."

"...Yeah."

Somehow, though Jongin was smiling, he had looked like he would burst into tears at any sudden movement.  So, Minseok had stayed very still, watching as the fourteen year old Jongin slowly raised his head, looking up at Minseok with those deep, limpid brown eyes.

He had pressed a small package into Minseok's hand.  And maybe Minseok was imagining it, but Jongin's fingers were shaking ever so slightly, like a branch in the wind.

"I don't know if you'll like it but -"

"I love it" Minseok had blurted out.

"But you don't even know what it is."

"I'm sure I'll love it.  Since it's from you."

And with that, Jongin had broken out into the most radiant smile.

"Hyung" Jongin's voice had dropped to a whisper.  

Jongin's face was centimeters away from Minseok's now, close enough to feel Jongin's breath.  

"Hyung, I-"

The cicadas had been too loud, drowning out Jongin's voice.  Jongin was on his tip toes now, eyelids closing.  And before Minseok had known what was going on, he had felt the white hot temperature on his lips.  Jongin's lips had been soft and his flesh quivering.  As Minseok too closed his eyes, he had felt like he was melting.  They were both melting.  And soon, they'd melt into one.

 

The alarm blares loudly, jolting Minseok from his dreams.  No, perhaps it was a nightmare.  It's already been ten years since he quit being a trainee and five years since he's last seen him.  

 

 

 

 

After leaving the company, the scarlet word seemingly branded to his chest is 'quitter' and despite trying, there's nothing Minseok can quite do to fully shrug off the label. 

On the television, a handsome young emcee is announcing the next special stage on Music Core and it's none other than popular boy group EXO.  Minseok recognizes the familiar faces but once the music starts, Minseok has to look away.  He goes back to wiping down the counter top, pushing the melody from his consciousness as if it's just background music and not resounding in his skull.  On purpose, he starts to internally list the different types of coffee drinks in his head before the familiar voices burrow into his ears and become living, breathing insecurities.  

The indicator bell to the cafe tinkles, signaling the arrival of a customer.  It's almost ten at night, which means there's a lull in the string of customers coming into the cafe as well as those walking on the road outside.  The customer looks up at the menu in a business suit, hair a little dishelved and eyes looking tired.

"I'll have a hot Americano, medium."

Minseok remembers when he used to drink Americanos from cafes such as this every single day.  Back then, the few thousand won for his caffeine fix hadn't seemed like such a big price to pay.  It wasn't that the money had seemed trivial.  It was just...  "We'll earn it all back" someone's optimistic comment ghosts in Minseok's head. 

He squeezes his eyes shut.  No, he can't think about that now.  But back then, there had been the very real promise of impending wealth and status; nowadays, even paying for water seems like a luxury.

"Will that be all, ma'am?" Minseok asks politely.  And when the lady nods, "That'll be three thousand five hundred won."

He hands her the receipt but doesn't bother with a buzzer.  She's the only patron in the shop and his shift is almost over.  As he readies the order, he watches the lady from the corner of his eye.  Was she coming home from a satisfying day of hard work?  Was she coming to recharge, only to go back to the office?  Was she living out her childhood dream?  Or was she also settling with the role the real world had handed to her?  Was she also finding her dreams shoved between the calculated and fake promises of society?

 

 

❆

 

 

Though things should change over time, Minseok feels frustratingly stagnant even when he's alone.  Every time Jongin calls, the feeling of being left behind penetrates his bones in an excruciating way so it's for survival (he tells himself) that he doesn't pick up.  Since isolating himself, it feels as if all his dreams are gone and now they're just insecurities that he tugs along in the dredge of life.  One constant in his life now is coffee, which he still finds fascinating even after college and graduate school.  So, when he realizes that a master's degree doesn't automatically get him a job, he finds a new dream - the dream of becoming a barista. 

But sometimes (maybe all the time), the sparkle of his former dream is too bright and casts a shadow on his present life.  It seems, these days, all Minseok does is live in the shadow of what could have been.

 

His mother finds this all so regretful and she often tells him, unafraid to speak her mind. 

"You have so much potential.  You're still young and so handsome.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it." 

But Minseok is almost thirty, has already tasted the letdown of trying and failing to do something, and all of his friends have passed him by in life in one form of milestone or another.  Since it's his mother, Minseok always finds it hard to look past the bias that clouds her judgement.

For example, Jaeyoung, his friend from middle school, had called yesterday to tell Minseok that he's going to become a father.  Daejun from high school has already received a PhD and was working on his tenure.  And Siyoon, from college, is opening up a restaurant in Itaewon.  Minseok sits in front of them now, at a small barbeque place in Songpa-gu, listening to all the recent news.  There's the familiar smell of burning meat in the air and he should feel happy for them.  No, he does feel happy for them.  But a tiny part of him is ice cold and judgemental, mostly against himself, saying, "You're the only one standing still." 

Every five times his friends ask to meet and catch up, Minseok agrees once. He's avoided them plenty over the past few months and so Minseok meets them today after his evening barista classes.  He's more than just a little tired, but he tries to find solace in the normalcy of meeting old friends and catching up.

"How's married life treating you?" Minseok asks once they have eaten most of the meat on the grill.

He asks the question mostly so that the spotlight isn't on himself.  But as Jaeyoung talks, Minseok's not really listening because the old television in the corner is playing commercials now and EXO is the model for a famous chicken franchise.  Jongin's mischevious face flashes on the screen and sends an icy fissure into Minseok's chest.

"Honestly, it's a lot better than I expected" says Jaeyoung shyly.  

"You little bastard!  Before the wedding you were crying about how you would never be able to look at another woman again!" teases Siyoon.

He tosses another shot of soju into his mouth, exhaling at the strong fumes.  Jaeyong and Siyoon bicker a little while longer before Jaeyoung faces Minseok again.

"You should really try it, Minseok-ah.  Being married... isn't bad.  Isn't bad at all."

There's a blissful look in Jaeyoung's eyes that wasn't there before and Minseok nods slowly, smiling.

"It suits you" Minseok tells him.  "Married life suits you."

And maybe it's the two bottles of soju that Minseok has finished by himself.  But he can see the wispy apparition of Kim Jongin in the corner of the restaurant, smiling the exact same way, talking about his own wife, how married life is the best thing that's ever happened to him, and how Jongin is thinking, the more kids the better.

"Ah..."  Unconsciously, Minseok drives a fist to his chest to break up the little shards of pain.

"What's wrong?  Did you eat too many of these spicy peppers?" Daejun asks in a low voice, catching Minseok's expression.  "Choke on something?"

Minseok shakes his head, willing the tears away.  He has to do something to shake this feeling so without thinking he asks, "Are you thinking about kids yet?"

Jaeyoung tilts his head with a goofy smile on his face and a faint pink tinge on his cheeks.

"Well...I guess we're trying" he admits, scratching the back of his neck bashfully.

Siyoon punches him on the shoulder.

"Our diligent little bunny rabbit!" Siyoon exclaims.

They all burst out into laughter.  Minseok does too because that's what he's supposed to do - what he would have done - had he not been able to see the hallucination of Kim Jongin in the corner, blissfully playing with his own children and looking down fondly at his wife.

Kids... Minseok's smile is bittersweet as he looks at the mirage again... Jongin had always wanted kids.

 

 

❆

 

 

There had been a time when Minseok had assumed that, in his thirties, he'd be a father, married happily, and working on his children's college savings.  Now he'd be lucky if he could send his pet cat off to a grooming session with what little he had in his savings account. 

Logic had told him that he wasn't ready for a pet.  Never mind the responsibility of caring for another living being, but what about finances?  What if the pet got sick?  Would he be financially fit enough to save the poor creature?  Mentally fit?  But more than logic, loneliness had won the war inside him and the next thing Minseok knew, he was picking up a kitten from a friend of a friend who was adopting the cat out for cheap.

It's late when he gets back from the dinner.  It's almost two in the morning and his cat Tan's plaintive meow tells Minseok that Tan is pouting.

"I left you dinner!" 

"Mrow."

Minseok peers into Tan's food bowl, the bottom is ever so slightly showing.

"Mrrrow" Tan cries again, pawing at the ground next to the bowl.

Minseok shakes the bowl, redistributing the kibble.

"There."

"Brrt!" comes Tan's happy little chirp.

Minseok chuckles, sinking into the couch.  The alcohol in his system is dissapating.  And it's only after he downs the hangover drink that he lets himself look at his phone.

There's a missed call from his mother and when Minseok listens to the voicemail, it's more of the same.

"I hope you're doing well.  You should show your face around the house more often.  Your sister misses you.  You should come visit."

Minseok makes a mental note to decline in the morning.  He's too busy, is what he tells his mother.  Besides, he can't stand to look at the expression on his mother's face when she thinks Minseok isn't looking.

He stands up at pets Tan for a few minutes before setting up a camcorder that's stored behind the sofa.  He sets up the video camera so that he's just a silohette.  He attaches a microphone and fixes the mic's position to aim at his mouth.  He clicks his laptop on, looking for that MR file he downloaded not too long ago.  And then, he starts to sing after pushing record.  Tan's tail swishes in and out of the camera's frame, but Minseok keeps singing, eyes closed and heart bare.

 

「To me, who had nothing
Thanks to the wounds you gave me
I too become the main character in a sad love story.」

 

 

Even now, he should probably be putting all his eggs into one basket, focus solely on getting that barista license and opening up his own cafe.  It's do or die because he's not getting any younger.  He knows this in his head, yet his past dream still clings for dear life in small things like posting a snippet of a ballad song that he likes on his Instagram.  Among ten photos of coffee and his cat, there's one post about music.  There's the fact that he gets a sense of satisfaction when he learns all the lyrics to a new song and manages to sing it quite well in the shower.  There's the matter of his top secret YouTube channel where he uploads covers of songs, hiding his face, going under the pseudonym of Xiumin.  And then, there's the small curling sense of pleasure in his belly when someone comments saying that he has a lovely voice.

 

 

❆

 

 

Sometimes, late at night or early in the morning, a call comes on Minseok's cellphone.  The caller ID shows "Unknown".  The first few times it had happened, Minseok had picked up.

"Hello?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"..."

And just by the faint sounds of breathing, Minseok had known.

"..."

"Hyu-"

And because Minseok was a coward back then (even now), he ends the connection before the other person can speak.

 

 

 

It's always painful to hear Jongin's voice and even more painful to hear those of the people around him in the background of Jongin's phone call - calling his name so familiarly, being closer to him than Minseok is.  So, more often than not, Minseok ignores the calls from Jongin. 

It's funny because there was once a time where Minseok's 'Recent calls' screen was overrun with Jongin's name.  Now, as he stares at the word "Unknown" in his call history, a funny sort of electricity flows through his body.  Minseok makes up all kinds of excuses: he can't; he shouldn't; it's because Jongin's tired;  or it's because Minseok's too weak.  And at the end of it all, Minseok knows too well how it will play out, so once again, he puts down his phone and pretends that he can fall back asleep.