BEFORE YOU

Eunha's POV

I did it. I confessed to her.
But she said she didn't feel the same. No, actually, she didn't say anything. She stared at me for a long time. Quiet. Then she closed the door. And I went home. I probably shouldn't say it. I tried to call her but she didn't answer. I came to her house again she's gone. And then there I was, alone on top of the mountain looking at the scenery. Sipping the water from my bottle.
I was thirsty. Of course I was. It was quite a hell trek up. I rubbed the back of my hand to against mouth trying to wipe all the liquid around it. That was when I came to a realization that even if I could turn back the time I would still do the same. I'll confess to her. At the end she was everything for me even though I was nothing for her.

2 weeks, at least. She had been missing for 2 weeks. I thought I knew her. But I couldn't even figure out where she was.
I was such a fraud.
The place she always go, the friends she met that I know, I've visited all and called everyone, but still no sign of her.

Was it me? Or there was something else. Why didn't you say anything back then? What were your eyes trying to say? Where are you?
Do you think of me? Like I always think of you.

Time didn't fly fast for me but strangely it was almost 3 months since the last time I saw you. That very moment was still vivid in my mind but the memories of you were fading away. It was so odd, knowing that you always crossed my mind every day.
Are you still alive? I just want to know at least you are.

I went to the mountain again right 4 months after you left. In each and every step I take, every heavy breath I breathe, I realized I slowly becoming myself before you came into my life.
The loner Jung Eunbi. Who would eat alone at the back of the school. Not because I chose to be alone but I just couldn't bear being around people without them thinking me weird.
We were in the same school. I saw you a few times because you were in the woman baseball team. But never have I thought that I would get to know you better than that. Until that day a month before we graduated.
I was on my way back home when I passed near the baseball field. You were there bumped into me because you were trying to catch the ball your friend threw. I almost fell, but you grabbed me. You apologized to me. I said it's okay. Then you offered to accompany me home. I don't know why I let you that time, but I guess it was a good decision. We talked more than I expected that day. You were very funny. I guess even after that you're still very funny because I laughed a lot when I'm with you. You changed me.

I got that thought a lot. That I should've met you earlier.



That day on top of the mountain I decided to forget about her. To start everything all over again. It was not easy for me. I love her. But I don’t even know if she feels the same and that everything will be worth it. Or if she ever comes back.
So with that spirit that evening I went down the hill. I got back to my house and the next day I went to the campus just as usual. The friends that I got while she was here with me, I slowly kept my distance from them. Just because they reminded me of her. I was okay for a couple weeks. I even thought that I finally can be happy again. I was wrong. The more I tried to forget her the more she crossed into my mind.
I was just passing by her faculty building when it started raining. I didn’t bring umbrella so I went in. Waiting for the rain to stop near the main door made me bored, so I took a little tour inside. I probably shouldn’t do it.


I miss you.
I remember how you used to not wanting to go to this campus. In fact you didn’t’ really know where to go. Weird though. At that time I thought you have a clear vision of your future. I told you where I wanted to go, you asked me more about it. Then you asked me if you can go to the same university as me. I was confused I said ‘sure’ at the end.
Now that I think about it, I’ve known you for almost 2 years.
 

My heart was aching. One day, two days, I thought it would be gone already. It was not. Then it became so hard for me to just live my daily life. I couldn’t do my chores properly nor that I could go to the campus. I didn’t even know what I did all day. If I could recall it properly probably just lying down on my bed, drained with the thought of her.


How can someone occupied other’s mind so much? I hated myself.
I hated you.

So, today I decided to take another trek up the mountain. It doesn’t take long for me to reach the top. There are not many people here. Actually, there’s only me now. Standing at the edge of a rock on top of the hill. Looking straight to the vast blue sky.

I’m going out of my mind.

I’m sorry.
 

“Halo?”