CHAPTER 2

On the Quiet

The trip back to Korea goes by silently. Jaejoong takes one of his prescribed sleeping pills and dozes off without dreams.

When they arrive, he calls a taxi and goes to a hotel instead of his house with his friend following him in silence. Jaejoong is going to take his advice and go to see his doctor before doing anything.

While waiting for Jungkyun, he sits on the couch of the hotel room trying to organize his thoughts. He knows now that at least the half of all the things his family has told him are lies, he knows that his only source to find the truth, regarding the part of his life his family avoids the most, is getting ready in the bathroom. The gratitude he feels towards the other is almost as strong as his anger, he needs to know the truth, and he wants to know everything.

They go to the hospital to look for Jaejoong's neurologist. It's Sunday but Jae called him and told him about his situation.

When the doctor comes, the photographer is examined carefully for two hours.

The doctor talks with them and gives his patient a prescription for the headache and recommends him to see his psychiatrist the next day.

 

----------

 

"Well, you heard Doctor Lee. It would be helpful to know about my past to fix the mess in my head. You can speak now."

"It's not like I don't want to tell you. Damn it! I wanted to tell you everything since the first moment but I think... You should... you should talk with your family first. They own you an explanation."

"You're right, I guess. I'll call you later."

Jaejoong gives him the key of the hotel’s room and sees his friend walking away. He keeps thinking about his regained memories. Him living in a humble place, working in a journal being still a student, he remembers images of his first time in France, the argument with his parents.

Across all the years of his treatment he has learnt how to manage this kind of 'memory attacks'. The first year was the worst of all as he was assaulted for continuous dreams and sudden thoughts while struggling to distinguish the real among the fake ones. He used to panic when unknown people or facts appeared into his mind to disappear the next moment leaving him with more confusion. During those times he only went out from his room for his medical dates and his learning therapy avoiding any unnecessary contact with any person.

Little by little he was breaking his shell, baby steps. Learning everything again was the easiest part in his case, it was more like remembering all that he previously knew. As a way to improve his regained abilities and relieving stress for his amnesia and bipolar disorder, he was encouraged to write, to record his every day and finally to take photographs. Each of them helped him to improve his condition more and more and he began to open up to people once again. His cousin was his best ally and his best friend. By the time Yoochun moved to Paris, Jaejoong was already working as a photographer on his own and had received his first important assignment in Spain thanks to his new friend Yuu that made the contact to get him an interview to demonstrate his capabilities.

His social skills were a totally different theme, the uncountable people his aunt Seunghye used to bring to her house claiming they were his friends did never success on making feel comfortable. Not even the supposed ‘almost-ex-fiancé’ of him. He preferred being surrounded by new people even though he couldn't bring himself to consider them friends except for a few of them.

His psychiatrist was in a way a friend for him. Dr. Shim Changmin was the one who knew all his secrets, the one who helped him every time he broke down in front of him. He was really grateful towards the young doctor because he left a promising future in London and came back to Korea partly because of him. His former psychiatrist was retired but he made the arrangements to get Jae treated by one of his most brilliant students.

His recent stay in Paris brought him memories of many sessions in Dr. Shim consultant room especially during the first year of his treatment, the dreams and the nightmares that he constantly had. Both of them have diminished with time and he has mastered the technique to not to panic when they come back from time to time, the same with his 'memory attacks'. He hadn't experienced anything like the Pont Neuf incident before, he is sure that the song from that singer opened something inside him. Maybe the old lady who left his aunt's house was right all the time, that song talked to his heart and now, he desperately needs answers, above all, he needs to know where is him.

 

 

-----------

 

 

The Park's house, a mansion in fact, with a tall black lattice at the entrance, a large garden and a wide terrace with a railing surrounding the place with a blocked access due his aunt's fear for her energetic dog Vick, was the young man’s refuge during so much years but this day, it felt particularly cold and far to his heart.

Jaejoong gets in the house finding his aunt in the garden.

She's relieved to see him. Seunghye knows that he left Paris two weeks before planned even when Jaejoong tried to cover the fact telling Yoochun he was going to Nice with his new friends in the note he sent with Jungkyun. It was to be expected anyways, that Dr. Lee would tell his aunt about his visit to the hospital.

He can't bring himself to return the affectionate hug from his aunt.

"I was so worried. Why didn't you come straight here? I would have gone with you to see Dr. Lee... Jae honey, are you okay?"

"I remember aunt Seunghye," he says pausing to study her reaction. "I can remember now. I remember the fight with my parents. I know that I was expelled from university, that I didn't leave my career for my free will. I know that all those supposed friends you introduced me with, were totally strangers. I know that Yoonhee was only an acquaintance, never my girlfriend let alone my almost fiancée. I know you kicked me out of your house... I know about him..." he can see her face paling. "I know about Yunho..."

Everything was said with an unmoving calm but with a crescent anger behind.

"What do you want me to say? I tried my best to help you... I didn't want you remembering painful events. It was your chance to begin again," Seunghye says with quivering voice. "I did what I thought would be better for you... what do you want from me?"

"I want the truth... so many things are a mess in my head... you threw me out when I told you about us..."

"You want the truth. I'll tell you then," Seunghye says regaining her composure a little. "You were always a normal guy, you were being treated for your bipolar disorder and doing pretty well," she takes her handkerchief and wipes her sweat "you were dating a girl and you even talked about marriage... then I got you an interview for a job at my friend's journal. You began to work there..."

Jaejoong is listening to her carefully having some snips of those days while she's talking. The interview, the party with his university classmates that were working there too, his first day at the journal office.

"Then that damned trip to Paris came. When you came back, you were different. You started to going out more often and lying to me too," she tries to avoid the piercing eyes of her nephew, "later I knew it was for him. He tainted your mind, he made you sin..."

"I loved him..."

"That's what you said... I rejected him with all of me." She starts to cry. "I won't lie... I rejected you as well and kicked you out... to you... that are like my own son... I deeply regretted doing it..."

"You didn't look for me..."

"I did, not at first but I did," she keeps crying. "I met him first, I offered him my help because you weren't doing it well, remember?... he was so prideful. He refused of course..."

Jaejoong remembers of course, the cold, the hunger, his fear for his bipolar disorder.

"I kept looking for you... when I found you, it was awful the state in what you were living, even when you assured me that you were taking your meds at the moment. I gave you some money. When I returned to that place a few days later..." she uses her handkerchief to dry her tears as well, "he had broken up with you and you were wandering alone with nowhere to go on that dirty street..."

"You're lying!"

"No, honey. He thought you were a burden... I swear." She's trembling but continues, "I took you back with me that day... I was so afraid that your depression could return all by his fault..."

"He would never hurt me..."

"But he did... he wanted to get rid of you. He started to work as a model soon after that," she looks at him imploring. "He didn't really love you. Don't you get it? He was even to get married to his agent's daughter."

"That's not true!" Jaejoong covers his ears trying not only to block his aunt's words but the voices inside his head as well. "Where is he now?... Where is Yunho?"

"You want to know the truth, honey-"

"Tell me!"

"Jung Yunho is dead..."

Jaejoong slumps on the floor dangerously in the verge of breaking down but he can't believe it. His entire being refuses to believe it.

"How..."

"Some months after you were with us again I arrived from a short trip with your uncle. Yoochun wasn't at home and neither you were," she tries to prevent new tears from falling, "you had left your phone and I checked it over out of curiosity... I thank to God for doing it, because the last messages you had were from him..."

Jaejoong is still on the floor trying to give a meaning to his aunt's words.

"I went to the address in the message... I saw you both in the roof of that miserable place. I could only scream your name and I know you didn't want to doing it when you heard me but he took your hand and you jumped..." She's sobbing uncontrollably.

"The accident..."

"It wasn't an accident... It was him, it was his fault... unlike you, he didn't survive to the fall... God forgives me but I'm glad for that..."

 

 

----------

 

 

After what seems like hours, Jaejoong locks himself in his bedroom and wonders why his heart isn't broken. He feels the pain but still everything seems so alien to him, like something is still keeping him from falling.

Fragments of his memories from his first time in Paris and other events flood his mind.

 

……………..…

 

"So, we are now... according to the map in Rue-"

"Pont Neuf, Yunho. See the giant sign.”

.....................

 

 

"Jaejoong... about last night-"

"It doesn't matter. I was drunk.”

"But I wasn't... and I was hoping you were as sober as me-"

"So, what, Yunho? You will say that you are in love with me or something? Because-"

"Actually, I will. Maybe you’re disgusted now… I know that you had a girlfriend before and perhaps what I'm saying will become no more than an awkward memory for you but... I love you, Jaejoong, since long time ago. I don't know if you believe in fated love but I do, from the first moment I stood in front of you. I-"

Jaejoong had interrupted his speech with a kiss, grasping tightly Yunho's shirt.

"Oh, my gosh... it's better than I imagined," Jae chuckled before the stunned face of the other. "I wasn't drunk either but I was scared that you wanted to say that it was a mistake. I enjoyed the kiss from yesterday but this one, knowing that you feel the same, it was even better."

"This means you accept my heart?"

"Only if you accept mine," Jaejoong said blushing lightly, "we're so corny."

"Love makes us corny" Yunho said before sealing their love pact with another kiss.

....................

 

 

"I like his song... in what language is he singing?" Jaejoong asked to his newly boyfriend.

"I think it’s Spanish... I'll record him. I have a friend, he's half Spanish. I'll ask him to translate it."

"And then you'll sing it for me?" Jae said winking.

"Whatever you want, love, whatever you want," Yunho said while wrapping his arms on Jaejoong waist making him giggle and gaining a playful slap. The shorter guy was taking photos of the bridge at that moment.

"Next time we have to come earlier or booking for the Vedettes. I really wanted to take the cruise," Jaejoong pouted.

"Don't do that. You know it's my weakness," Yunho pecked the blonde's pout away, "next time we’ll come earlier I promise. Now let's go."

"Oh yea, the conference! You'll have to run, hun." Jaejoong speeded off and waited for Yunho to come. He took the other hand and began to run.

…………….....

 

 

"I'm scared Yunho," Jaejoong said without stopping drawing invisible circles with his fingers on Yunho's chest. "What if they don't accept it...? I don't wanna go through the same pain again… like with my parents..."

"I would like to tell you that they will understand but I don't know how it is. I didn't realize my own self till way after my parents died. And for my grandpa I would have liked to tell him but he passed away so suddenly I couldn't say anything. I was totally alone... then I found you. I don't want anything else."

Feeling inner warmth trough the soft kiss on the top of his head, Jaejoong pushed the fear aside. "I guess this couldn't be as bad as if I was telling my parents. Can you imagine it? They would kill me for sure."

"Do you want me to go with you, babe?"

"Babe?! Seriously? Don't call me that way."

"But you call me baby..."

"That's okay but not babe. It sounds too 'Pamela Anderson'"

"What?" Yunho laughed and Jaejoong rose from the bed and straddled him sitting on his belly.

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't have any idea..." Yunho said caressing his knees, "but you both are blond..."

"Do you wanna die?" Jae huffed. "I'll cut my hair then, and dye it red or blue or green."

"You'll look stunning."

"And with a Goku style or a Krilin style better?... I'll shave my head."

Yunho chuckled with the idea caressing his thighs, "still amazing... stop bouncing on my belly unless you want to go for anoth-"

"Wanna switch?"

"Not today, love."

"Then no more today," Jaejoong slapped Yunho's bare arms. "I'm tired and I have classes later, bear!"

"Naughty bunny! Seriously, don't move or else, you'll skip your classes today too," Yunho said trying to avoid the playful hits of his lover. "You didn't answer me. Do you want me to be with you when you talk with your aunt?"

"No, I want to do this alone. Besides if things get ugly I prefer coming here with you to nurse my wounded heart."

"You could live with me… I mean, this place isn't at all as fancy as yours but... maybe... if you want..."

"Of course I want! I was actually thinking about that since forever." They kissed lovingly for a while. "Even if they accept everything I want to live with you."

…………….....

 

 

"Tell me that you're lying... you're not like this, dear... this is not true..."

"I'm not, aunt... I'm-."

"Don't say it! You are not. You are normal!"

"I'm in love with a man, aunt."

"You are wrong... this can't be happening!" Seunghye wasn't yelling, she was raising her voice but still maintaining a calm in her tone that sent chills through Jaejoong's spine, he had imagined her screaming and crushing everything around her, maybe that would be better than that.

"Aunt, please... I'm still the same. Nothing has changed except for my heart... I-"

"Of course everything changed... that man has erted your mind," she was messing her hair. "You're not like that... You're not a sinner..."

"It's not a sin, aunt... it's love... I love him and he loves me..."

"It's an abomination... you are an abomination..."

"Aunt, please..." Jaejoong tried to take her hand and she avoided him and slapped him hard across the face.

"Don't touch me... Don't dare to touch me. Get out of my house you ungrateful miserable!... you should have died instead of my son... my Seunghoon would never have been as dirty as you..." and that words hurt him thousands times more than his burning cheek.

…………………

 

 

He was waiting for Yunho in front of his door, with only his camera, an old bag and an even older teddy bear. He was sure, his aunt will throw and burn all his things and that toy was the only reminder of his grandparents’ love, the only thing he had brought to his aunt’s house after the fight with his parents when they had kicked him out too.

When his boyfriend arrived and after entering the place he could only utter one word “Hug.”

He buried his face in his lover’s chest. The last time he had cried was when he left his parent’s house but not in front of them, he didn’t give them the satisfaction. Yunho for sure felt the wetness of his tears because he tightened his embrace.

“Remember the song from Paris? My friend translated it for me… I don’t remember all the lyrics nor all the rhythm fits well now… but, wanna hear what I can recall?”

Jaejoong nodded without lifting his face.

“Today like tomorrow and always

And from January to December

A bed as white as the snow

Will be our refuge from six to nine…

 

On the quiet

I have to love you

On the quiet… like a coward…

On the quiet… every evening…

My soul vibrates… my body burns

 

We are the favorite conversation

From people who think they’re perfect

We’re of those loves… forbidden…

 

…I told you I can’t remember all the lyrics but I-” He couldn’t continue chocking with his own tears with a broken Jaejoong sobbing in his arms.

…………………

 

 

“I resigned,” Jaejoong said a morning some time after moving in to his boyfriend’s place, “my aunt got me the interview, our boss is her friend. I don’t want to owe her anything else.” He took the mugs they drunk in from the table. “Besides, the news about us being expelled from university will be used as an excuse soon, I’m sure.”

“Then maybe I should resign too before being fired.”

………………..

 

 

“The new place is small but we’ll have a good view,” Yunho was telling to Jaejoong. “We can’t afford this apartment anymore.”

“You, me… we don’t need anything else,” Jaejoong said kissing the sadness from his lover away. “Geez… I’m cornier and cornier every time. I need a beer.”

Yunho laughed but got serious and asked, “you still have your medicines, right? You should be taking your therapy as well…”

“I do, I told you that I have saved money especially for that. And about the other issue, Dr. Yang is now a permanent professor in England, he used to be one before as well but unlike then, he’s not returning twice a month. I don’t want to go with a new doctor; moreover, it’s too expensive.”

……………..…

 

 

“I wasn’t expecting the roof room,” Jaejoong was arranging their few furniture in the tiny place, “but as you say, the sight is impressive.”

“We have a balcony” Yunho smiled and went there with a blanket. “Come here.”

The couple spent the rest of the day sitting on the balcony wrapped in the blanket sharing each other’s warmth.

……………..…

 

 

Jaejoong tries to keep recalling all the past events of that time but everything is still too blurry. He remembers his childhood vividly, his grandparents and the day his cousin Seunghoon died practically in his arms. How different it would be the life in that house if the one drowned in the pool would have been him?

Then it was Yunho, he can give a name to that presence surrounding him, even haunting him accusingly sometimes. Was he really gone?

 

 

…………….…

 

 

"Stop doing this Jaejoong... You're hurting me too!"

…………….…

 

 

Was it like John had suggested him and everything was his fault?

 

 

……………..…

 

"You lied to me... how you could? You know how important this is!"

……………..…

 

 

"We both knew this was not going to last. There's no future for us..."

"Then what is it, Yunho?" He was so mad that words got stuck at his throat "I'm tired of this so off?"

"I'm tired, so tired... We're still on time to find som-"

"Still on time? What the hell!" And he put all his anger on the punch at the other's jaw, "you have been acting weirdly for too long... what you are up to? Why now that you got a better job and I'm taking my medicines again? Everything was getting fixed... Are you expecting me to beg you? I don't beg to anyone... Didn't you say you loved me? You ing liar!"

"I didn't lie... but sometimes... love isn't enough..."

……………..…

 

 

His aunt was right; he had become a burden for the other. Jaejoong remembers that he had been hospitalized; he only has clear at this moment that it was for something related his disorder. He remembers how the other began to avoid his closeness, rejecting his presence more and more before the breakup. Yunho was like that since that last time in the hospital definitely, when he noticed that the sparkle in those eyes wasn't there anymore, no more warmth, only emptiness. Maybe that time meant a totally change in Yunho's heart.

It could be like in his nightmares... the body covered in blood... was it him?

 

 

Jaejoong leaves his bedroom and finds his aunt and uncle in the living room.

"Where is he? I want to go... You say he's dead, I want to see his grave..." he says hating his trembling voice.

"We decided to incinerate him," his uncle says hesitantly. "Yoochun and I took care of everything while you were in coma. He didn't have any family left... I can take you to the site we scattered his ashes."

"I want to go..."

 

----------

 

 

Around 5 in the morning, Jaejoong is still there where his uncle left him. He's wearing a heavy jacket with his face and neck wrapped in a thick scarf. He's smoking, still thinking and trying to organize his memories that are scattered like the ashes of his beloved one released at the wind from that hill.

"I hope you have all the answers you needed by now," Jungkyun says joining him at that spot.

"I wasn't sure you would come," Jaejoong says releasing the smoke of his dying cigarette, "I didn't even know if you would read my message."

"I was waiting... I hope you don’t mind I took your luggage to my place."

"I was so scared by then... we needed help so desperately... my aunt said he refused when she offered help...” he pauses unable to continue talking for a moment, “it doesn't matter anymore... now Yunho is gone and I don't even have a place to cry out my broken heart..." a single tear escapes his eyes.

 

"The first time I arrived here, it was near Christmas. I was so excited. I came with my parents. They said that I was too talented to just stay in our little farm where always the three of us were. So I came to study at university. I wasn't that young anymore and couldn't get a scholarship, so when I was admitted, we had to use my grandmother's heritage and our family savings to pay. I reserved my personal savings for the things I would need. They helped me to find a place to stay and bought me a mattress while I bought me furniture and so. When I was left alone I was scared but really excited. The day I wanted to buy the laptop I needed and open a bank account, I was mugged. They robbed me everything, even my books. Stupidly, I hadn't even paid the rent yet so, I had to leave the place and sell almost everything I had to be able to buy what I needed for university once again," Jungkyun blurts out in a breath lighting a cigarette, "that's how I arrived to that old building on that dirty street with my clothes, my books, my laptop, a stove, a pot and my mattress. I didn't have anything else."

Jaejoong has a flash in his mind of a younger Jungkyun struggling to carry his mattress up the stairs to the flat under theirs.

"No one lent me a hand to carry my parents' gift... then, you two appeared. I'd never had to ask for the nature of your relationship... you were holding hands and even if not, it would be enough to see the looks you gave to each other. You helped me not only with the mattress but with everything else. That day was Christmas Eve and you invited me to dine with you and even gave me away two blankets because I didn't have any. You just met me and I was already your friend... you had so little but you shared it with me." He inhales and exhales the smoke of his cigarette before continuing. "You were like my brothers. I got a part time job as a messenger with a miserable salary by the time I came to know about your bipolar disorder..."

"How long-"

"You were living together for almost three years already. Yunho worked at a nightclub carrying boxes and doing errands with other occasional jobs in the middle. You had the habit to wait for him in the balcony at dawn so I had the mission to verify you weren't sleeping there after you got sick and had to go to the hospital. You worked at a photo studio that you really but really hated."

"I got sick for the cold?"

"Pneumonia." Jungkyun throws his cigarette . "Then, it started. Yunho discovered you were lying about taking your medicines. You quit your job and told your boss that he was a degenerate,” he smiles, “but it wasn't until Yunho caught you painting the ceiling of your room at three on the morning in one of his free days when he realized something was wrong."

 

……………..…

 

 

"What are you doing love?"

"I don't like the yellow ceiling anymore... I want blue now."

"Again you weren't sleeping?" Yunho asked directing him to bed, "what's wrong baby, tell me..."

…………….…

 

"Fortunately the weirdest thing you did at one of your manic episodes was trying to match me with a childhood friend you hadn’t seen since you were fifteen," Jungkyun smiles softly at the memory. "The worst came later, with your depression. You didn't want to go out, and locked yourself sometimes avoiding any contact with me and even with Yunho. He was by then working in another nightclub, same job lower salary and you began to work at Junsu's bakery..."

 

……………..…

 

 

"How's going everything Jae"

"Junsu says that I'm a terrible baker but I have a gift for decorating and glaze cakes."

"That's great, love. I’m happy you’re enjoying your job. Don't be late. I'll be waiting for you before going to work."

……………..…

 

 

"Then the false accusation came and Junsu had to close. They were hard times for the three of us, even worse for you two. Every time things started to get better, something bad happened. I kept your secrets. You didn't know Yunho was working in an even worse place gaining an even more miserable salary and he didn't know you were working in a brothel masked as a bar..."

"Did I-" Jaejoong cuts himself horrified before the idea, trying hard to remember.

"No, you only cleaned the place. The bartender, Kichun, was an old friend of mine who had left my town years ago. He used to help the people working there. Yea… he helped the male and female es that worked there..."

 

……………..…

 

 

"Kichun, please... I need your help. I know that he's barely eating... doesn't even have a jacket..."

"Are you sure? I don't think this is something its consequences you could bear. Think it better."

"I'm sure... I am... desperate..."

"Ok, I'll do it."

…………….....

 

 

"This guy is not the one who pays the best but he’s really kind. He’ll take good care of you… if anything… just call me,” Kichun told him before leaving him in that room.

……………..…

 

 

“You’re so beautiful...”

Jaejoong was trying to put his mind in a blank state, but he couldn’t. The guy indeed was gentle but everything felt so wrong.

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t!” Jaejoong pushed the guy that was trying to undo his belt. “Please don’t!” He was totally terrified protecting his upper body with his arms.

"Calm down. I won't force you. I'll go to bring Kichun," the man said smiling reassuringly.

…………….…

 

 

"I went to pick you up," Jungkyun continues the story, "you didn't want Yunho to know but at the end, you told him yourself. Things were worsening, no food, no meds and you were in a major depression…"

"My aunt offered help-"

"One day, Yunho asked me to drive him to that house. I had the old van the company gave to do my deliveries. I couldn't park there so I left him and took a drive along the neighborhood," Jaejoong notices that he's doing his best to control his anger. "I don't know everything they talked about... but when I came back, your aunt was telling him that if you died was the heaven's just punishment for your sins." He makes a pause to make the information sink. "She's right, Yunho is a man of pride and he was kneeling in front of her begging for help... I took him home and he made me swear never to tell you."

Jaejoong is watching the dawn in front of them remembering and placing many things Jungkyun is telling him in the correct order in his memories, many of them are making sense.

"That was the first time," he takes Jaejoong's wrists and shows him the scars he knew very well, "he found you bleeding in the bathroom. When he kicked my door open you were already unconscious wrapped in a towel. I can't even describe you how terrifying it was."

…………….…

 

 

"Why did you do it Jaejoong? Did I make you that unhappy? What would I do without you?..."

"I'm sorry, baby... I didn't want to hurt you... I..." Jaejoong was crying in that hospital's bed.

……………..…

 

 

"To pay the bills, Yunho got a loan from his boss, I got one too. The doctor that time, was really kind and help us to reduce the costs of your treatment and to avoid reporting what happened to the police." Jungkyun looks the rising sun absentmindedly, "after that, he got sick, you got sick again for the cold and developed your stomach problem. Not like a cup of rice as only meal a day would had helped..."

……………..…

 

 

"You have to stay in bed. The doctor said you need to rest." Yunho was adjusting the pillows of their bed, "You shouldn't sleep in the balcony. I don't think you want to go back to the hospital."

"Hug." Jaejoong was enjoying the warmth of his lover's embrace. "I hate the hospital, the only good thing is the bed. 'White as the snow'... I remember the song... I remember Paris... I remember you, and when it's you in my mind, I feel healed..."

…………….....

 

 

"What would you like to do first when we can do whatever we want?"

"Go to Paris again and then, hold your hand and walk across the Pont Neuf... no more loving you on the quiet..."

…………………

 

 

"It sounds like we were a totally burden for you..."

"Not at all... if I told you everything you did for me... You were my friends, my family."

 

……………...…

 

 

"I didn't want Jungkyun to leave university... it's so unfair... I don't understand why... we aren't bad people..."

"I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine but I..."

"I only want you to promise never leave me, Yunho... I don't want anything else..."

"I promise you my love will never die... Even if I couldn't be with you physically... You'll feel my love and hear my voice in the wind..."

 

……………..…

 

 

"You said when I cut myself was the first time th-"

"Your cousin used to visit you once a while. Then, you told us he was going to America, not long after, your depression hit again with all its force. Yunho was so scared you could hurt yourself again... I asked John for help to get some smuggled sleeping pills because we didn't have a prescription." Jungkyun runs a hand through his hair. "You were there like a doll... sleeping most of the day suffering even in your dreams and that was killing him..." his voice breaks. "It was my fault... Yunho asked me to take care of the pills and I left the bottle forgotten in your room..."

Jaejoong remembers that day, when everything seemed so dark and impossible to endure a single day more. Tears fall from his eyes.

"I took the bottle from your jacket... you didn't leave it... I can't believe what I did..."

"It wasn't you… you were sick..."

Jaejoong sits on the ground trying to stop his tears.

"We weren't lucky like the last time... the doctor from before wasn't at the hospital anymore, the bill was higher and even money for a bribe to not contact the police was needed. They didn't want to keep with your treatment unless we pay for all you had already received," Jungkyun sits on the ground next to Jaejoong, "we were totally broken, I had sold my laptop and my books long time ago and you didn't have nothing more of value to sell. Yunho asked me for my phone to make a call, none of you had one and mine was pretty simple but useful for the three of us... in the end when he came back he had more than enough money to pay for everything and even for your meds for your disorder. He said after, he got another loan from his boss-"

"He was so disappointed of me that rejected me at any way every time I tried to be close to him... I remember that now..."

"I thought the same at first, that he was disappointed or tired or didn't love you the same anymore," he heaves a sigh. "Until I checked my call log..."

 

 

Jaejoong now can join the pieces of his scattered memories of that night while Jungkyun is telling him the story. He keeps talking and Jaejoong can place his memories at the right place.

……………..…

 

 

"Yunho... I'm so sorry... please, look at me... I didn't..." Jaejoong had just regained his conscious, "baby, please..."

"You need to rest..."

Jaejoong tried to take his hand but the other avoided the contact, he didn't even look at him. "Yunho?"

"I can't... I just can't." He was crying still wanting to hide from his lover's eyes.

…………….…

 

 

"Barely two months after that... I saw your aunt leaving the building. You told me she came to ask for your forgiveness. Yunho broke up with you a week after. I had a glimpse of that woman leaving the place again, but that time, she was leaving with you." Jungkyun moves his numb limbs a little, "when I found him... saying that he was broken would be an understatement..."

"He worked as a model after," Jaejoong says drying his tears with the back of his hand, "I saw the pictures." He has a vision of himself tearing apart a magazine.

"It turns out that the drunken man was telling the truth. I don't know if you remember about him but he was serious about his offer for Yunho. Anyway, it didn't last too much, until your accident..."

Jaejoong stands up breathing deeply trying to put his thoughts in order at the same time of trying to ease the pain in his heart, it's so much that he can feel it physically.

"I think it's important that you know that Shim Changmin was Yunho's best friend before university..."

 

----------

 

 

Jaejoong moves away a bit from that place. He needs to think, to put himself together once again to be able to face his rediscovered reality. He recalls all the facts from his memories, the day when he met Yunho at university, Paris, their first kiss, their first-time together, Yunho's apartment, the room of the roof, Jungkyun, the hospital, the breakup and his return to his aunt's house. He wasn't doing it very well after the breakup, he was taking his medicines in front of everyone but refused to go to therapy, without realizing it himself, he barely ate and he fell sick and went to the hospital again, he was submerging into the despair of his broken heart.

There are still many blank spaces in his memory like the accident's day, all he can recall is Yunho's face covered in blood, now he can see him clearly in his mind.

 

 

Jungkyun is exhausted but he's still sitting on the ground waiting for his friend. He just had taken a weight off his shoulders. There are still so many things he would like to say to Jaejoong that appears next to him once again and tells him only one thing.

"Take me with your brother."

 

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“Piel de Ángel” (Angel Skin)

Camilo Sesto