CHAPTER 1

Esperándote

 

It’s a brilliant morning indeed and the young photographer is enjoying the sunlight while taking captures around the city. People in Paris, the city of lights and love, seem so full of energy, so full of life that he can’t help but feel the same. Three years ago, he was in an elegant but cold waiting room leafing through a magazine with pictures of this same place on the River Seine banks and imagining how could it be to be right there so free and happy.

It had been a really long journey but finally he is in Paris, almost by his own. He has a unique point of view, his ability with the camera is praised frequently by the experts and he gets more and more contracts. He loves to portray everyday-life scenes; someone even said that he has the gift to show the spirit of people and the energy of places.

He’s taking photos to The Seine when his phone rings. He fishes out his cellphone from his bag and answers the call.

“Hello, Chun.”

“Jaejoong, where are you? I just arrived… Orleans is beautiful but I missed my apartment and you know I can’t keep delaying my classes anymore or I’ll lose all my students.”

“Thank God you remembered your students, I had to replace you a couple of times, I didn’t have the heart to send back to his home to little Henry, he hates his perfect brother and you are his only comfort with your piano lessons,” Jaejoong says chuckling when he hears his cousin clearing his throat proudly. “By the way, Marie came with you?”

“No, she’s still mad at me but well… we had a great time together,” Yoochun says sighing, “maybe I should take the chance and ask her marriage as I’ve been planning.”

“Yeah, you should. Don’t lose your chance, just imagine how it’d be if someone enters her life and you lose her forever, I know she loves you but ‘sometimes love isn’t enou-’” he suddenly can’t continue.

“Jae?... Jae?” Yoochun calls him. “Are you ok?”

“I… am… it’s just…”

“What is it? Jae where are you? Do you want me to-” Yoochun begins to panic.

“No, it’s ok. You know that I can’t help it, hehe,” Jaejoong says awkwardly faking a laugh, “sometimes my mind goes somewhere else but I’m fine, don’t worry and please don’t call my aunt. I’ve already talk to her twice today and it’s only ten in the morning.”

“You know how much she loves you… she’s only worried about you.”

“I know but I’m fine Chun, seriously, I love her too but sometimes it is maddening. I’m a perfectly functioning human being.”

“What time are you coming home?” Yoochun says changing the topic.

“Around three I guess. Jungkyun is coming to meet me and we’ll have lunch together so don’t wait for me to eat.”

“Hmm, that guy… don’t you prefer come and catching up with me?”

Jaejoong snickers, “we’ll have plenty of time for that. I have to go.”

“Jae wait I-” but Jaejoong decides to end the call.

He can’t understand why his family still sees him like a disabled person, he has had an amazing recovery as his two main doctors say, and he’s not lying when he affirms he’s fine. He would have preferred going to Paris all by himself, instead of being monitored by his cousin who has been living there for a couple of years already. At least he goes from time to time to Orleans to meet his not-so-ex-girlfriend and Jaejoong can have a little more of freedom even with the constant calls from his aunt. Finding a friend from the old days it was great, of course he was careful to not say that and Yoochun thinks that Jung Jungkyun is a new friend.

The first time they met, as soon as he knew the other one recognized him, he thought it could be a relative; big eyes, fair skin, even the same good taste for wine, but it was just an old friend as he told him. When he invited him to Yoochun’s apartment for dinner, Jaejoong didn’t miss the expression of uneasiness that flashed his cousin’s face. He wanted to know the reason behind that.

Later that day, Jaejoong is greeting Jungkyun who is waiting for him with a friend.

"Jaejoong, he's John, a friend from the academy." He and the new guy shake hands.

"Nice to meet you!” Jaejoong says smiling. “So... what are we eating?" Jaejoong asks.

"There's a good place near here, the best fried chicken I tasted in so long," Jungkyun answers happily.

"Fried chicken, seriously?"

"You can't be expecting me eating only gourmet dishes. I'm so tired to memorize the recipes and the after listening to my professor's critics about what's wrong every time... I feel like eating junk food today."

"And all the days," John says chuckling, "he has been eating just pizza all week. He's still upset for the last critics he received."

"Whatever... what do you say, Jae? Sounds good for you?"

"I like junk food from time to time. Let's go," Jaejoong answers and they go on their way.

 

 

The place is packed; it seems that many people want to eat that chicken today. They are lucky finding a table. Jaejoong and John remain at the table talking casually while the other goes to order their food. Jaejoong's cellphone rings once again and it's the fifth time since they sat, he huffs annoyed and cut the call.

"A stalker?" John asks him curious.

"Kind of... it's my aunt. I bet my cousin told her I was going to eat out," he says and exhales deeply, "I'll send her a message."

"Is it bad for them you eating out?"

"Not particularly it's just… I don't know why but Yoochun, my cousin, dislikes Jungkyun and says that it seems he hates him."

"No reason to say that, it's a fact. I hate him," Jungkyun says taking a seat beside them and earning a surprised look from Jaejoong. "Kidding, I don't even know him," he laughs looking to their friends. "Did he do something to be hated for someone?"

"I... I don't know," Jae says doubtful.

"Man... I'm joking, don't take me so seriously," he pats Jae's back. "We have to wait twenty minutes for our food, so if you excuse me I will be answering some mails," he says taking out his phone.

Jaejoong chats a little more with John when remembers his aunt and searches his bag for his phone taking out two pill bottles for a moment. He writes the message for her aunt and says to answer the unsaid question written in John's face.

"I need them. I suffer from bipolar disorder. Don't worry. I'm a perfectly functional human being as long as I take my therapy and my meds. Not easy but I can manage to do it." He wants to avoid the weird questions and the pity look people use to direct him.

"I only needed one type," John takes a pill bottle. "I suffered from depression since my rehabilitation. Side effect, I was told. My grandmother used to call me every day to remind me I had to take them. I was in the middle of my treatment when I arrived here by the first time."

It’s good for a change to talk to someone who doesn't freak out when knowing about his health condition. John is the second one after Jungkyun except that him seemed to know very well about the issue from the beginning.

"I had a friend at the Rehab Center who has the same problem as you. I met her when I was recovering from a suicide attempt," John says showing the scars on his wrist. "She was too young. Did you begin young too with all this?"

"I... don't know…" Jaejoong smiles seeing the puzzled expression of the other before adding, "I had an accident around four years ago. I fell from a considerable height. When I woke up from a coma a month later, I didn't remember anything. It was awful and terrifying, you know? People, places, all the facts of my life... I didn't remember them."

"Oh man... that really . Could you… remember something now?"

"Some things... I had to learn everything again. I went to therapy for everything. I still have to go to visit my neurologist and of course, this situation means more work for my new psychiatrist. Remembering things isn't easy, but I'm still doing it. For example I remember why I live with my aunt and not my parents. We had a huge fight when I was eighteen, then I went to live with my aunt, his husband and her step-son. He's the one who I am living here with."

"That's why your aunt is so worried for you?"

"I had a cousin too, her son. I recovered some faint memories... he died when we were five. I think that's why my aunt treats me and loves me like her own son. She's the best."

"I'll go to check the food," Jungkyun says suddenly looking slightly annoyed and stands up going to the counter of the restaurant.

"I know that I know him before my accident but I can't remember," Jaejoong says signaling Jungkyun. "Did you meet him for your academy?"

"Actually I met him in Korea, though back then we weren't friends, just acquaintances. You'll see... my father died when I was ten, then my mother got married again when I was fifteen and we moved to South Korea as my step father is Korean. He has two daughters. All of them don't give a damn about me. When I was eighteen I began to consume... at twenty I was already a drug addict. They throw me to the streets of course and then, I met my angel... have you ever been in love Jaejoong? I..."

John keeps talking but Jaejoong is lost in his thoughts remembering a talk with his psychiatrist.

 

 

………………..

 

 

"Doctor... is it possible that I had a secret lover?"

"What do you mean Jaejoong?"

"I have been having dreams and I... I don't know... I felt like, I'm waiting... I..."

"I told you that you could be assuming things."

"I know, but this is different. The other day I woke up early and went to the kitchen... I prepared a dessert, something simple... gelatin with cream and strawberries... then I sat down and waited, I don't know what but I was waiting I..."

"We are in February, Jaejoong, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and maybe that's triggering something inside you maybe not. As I told you, in your condition you could be recalling facts not only from your life but even from movies or books. I had a patient once who was sure he had an affair with a friend but he was just assuming facts from a movie. That kind of thing could-"

"This is different doc... I am sure it's different. Sometimes I felt too much pain when I see or listen to something specific..."

"If this lover really exists then she could find a way to approach you. Don't you think?"

"Maybe she's poor and she's too afraid to come near to me... when I was still at the hospital, a humble guy... Kim Junsu, came to visit me... he had a pot with a daisy… he told me we were friends and even when I didn't recognize him I felt at ease with him but when he was leaving... I saw my aunt talking to him... he did never come back... my aunt is too-... you know... she doesn't like to relate with people not her class... what if I have not just a lover but even a kid... doctor I..."

 

 

………………..

 

 

"...after that I touched bottom. She died and it was my fault." John keeps telling his story and Jaejoong pays attention once again. "Fortunately my dad's mother, my grandmother, made me call from the States and when I got there she sent me to rehab right away. Almost four years after, I'm here learning French Cuisine but what was I going to tell?... oh yea... how I met Jungkyun. Well, I met him casually when I was trying to survive with my addiction living in a miserable place and we used to greet each other sometimes. I think he had someone with serious problems back then..."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because one night, he knocked at my door and asked me for help to get smuggled sleeping pills. I remember that very well, he was saying something about how evil the world was and... he was crying. I got him the pills... some time after, I left, so I don't know what happened next," John continues with the story, "when I arrived here, I met him again. He doesn't like to talk about the past and I guess I'm the same. You're the first one I talk to about my life in so much time."

"Well... I'm the same I guess," Jaejoong says smiling for the words. "I think we could be really good friends."

Once again Jaejoong can't help drown in his memories. He curled on Dr. Shim's divan trembling as usual even when his therapy with him was his principal refugee from all his struggles, from all his ghosts.

 

 

………………..

 

 

"I need friends, doctor. I don't have any... these people who come to see me and say we are friends... I don't know them, I don't recognize them, I don't like being with them. They are all so... I don't know... they get along better with my aunt than with me... I... I just..."

"I told you it would not be an easy task. Your recovery will take its time."

"It's been already a year. I could manage to learn many things really fast but it's my social life what is so difficult. I can't, Doctor Shim… I can't..." Jaejoong was looking at his shaking hands. "I even tried to find Junsu, but I couldn't... I'm so incapable to do anything..."

 

 

………………..

 

 

Jungkyun is already with them again; their food trays on the table, the three of them enjoy their lunch.

"So Jungkyun, what's yours?"

"Mine?"

"Your story, I mean. We never talked much about that," Jaejoong says munching his French fries.

"Well... let's see. I'm from a little town far from Seoul where I lived with my parents. I went to the capital to study. Later I contacted to an uncle who was living in Japan when he came back to the country and he sent me to study here. We always thought he wasn't the kind of man who helps his relatives at all but-" he sighs deeply, "we were wrong... I wish I'd have known that on time... that's all. Oh yes, I live with my brother in Seoul, I'd like you to meet him someday."

"And when exactly did you meet Jaejoong? It was at the university?" John asks.

"I know that I was studying journalism majoring in photography, I don't know why exactly but I left it. We met then?" Jaejoong inquires.

"Oh no... We were... we were neighbors at some point..."

They keep eating and chatting occasionally.

After having ice cream to comply Jaejoong desire of something cold and sweet and spending the afternoon visiting stores without buying anything, they head to a night club, John's favorite place in Paris.

"I feel lucky today. Yesterday I dreamt with my angel. She approves, I'm sure," John says grinning.

"So you are not going to the apartment tonight?" Jungkyun asks as they are sharing a place since some months ago.

"If my feeling is right, then I don't think so," John is really happy now. "You'll see Jaejoong, I've been trying to get that cute waiter with the green apron since forever, and we have been flirting but nothing more. Today will be different."

"And you're saying that for a dream?" Jaejoong says amused for the way John is looking to his waiter.

"Never fails. I always dreamt with my angel when a good day is coming... you don't mind I'm checking out a boy, do you?"

"Not at all. I believe you can love whoever you want as long is not illegal," Jaejoong smiles, "he's at least twenty one I guess."

"Marco is an adult. He's around your age... twenty three."

"I'm actually twenty nine," Jaejoong says laughing for the expression of disbelief in John's face.

"Oh my gosh!... Jungkyun, how old are you?"

"Twenty eight... you are around the same right? I can’t believe I’ve never asked you."

"I'm twenty four... I look so old!"

"That's not it, it's just that we have a blessed physiognomy," Jungkyun says and joins to Jaejoong’s laughter when John bangs his head on the table.

The place isn't very packed, the most of people are foreigners, including a group of three friends who send drinks to Jaejoong that he refuses politely; after all he's not interested on having a passing affair with a random person which is clearly their intention.

"Jungkyun has a girlfriend. She's a ballerina who visits his brother at home. I told him that when he goes back, he won't have a girlfriend or a brother anymore."

Jungkyun glares at John, "and I told you that my brother isn't like that. He already has someone he loves, even if not, he would never do something like that."

"Whatever makes you happy... so Jaejoong, my waiter can introduce you to a beautiful girl or a boy, what do you say?" John says wiggling his eyebrows, "or do you already have someone?"

"I don't know... I know this sounds stupid because it's so long since my accident but every time I've tried to going out with someone I felt like cheating..."

"But you aren't, I mean, what if you are the same as me and have a dead lover, then you can feel their presence but it's no real anymore. My psychic says that..."

Jaejoong isn't listening anymore; he suddenly feels an awful pang in his heart, totally feeling the darkness wanting to creep on him once again. It's curious but never before, even with all his painful recovery, he felt this much desire to cry. He uses all his willpower to suppress the sensation and stay composed.

 

 

………………..

 

 

"Doctor, I've been having dreams again... is it possible to forget… Is it possible to forget that I was… gay?"

"No, Jaejoong. That kind of thing isn't associated to your memories itself. Even if you don't remember anything about it, you’d always be the same. Nevertheless, it's important that you know that your memories related to a gay relationship you could have had in the past, if they are real, maybe you were just experiencing, as many people do on a point of their lives."

"Is it possible that something that feels so important and deep... could be just the result of an experiment?"

"You'll see, straight individuals can have a homoual relationship and that could be definitive in their lives and it could work the other way too. I had a gay patient that is married now, with his best friend, he loves her deeply. It's something not common but happens. The most important thing here is that you don't force yourself to try to remember or believe in something that could be a delusion or a hallucination for-"

"My condition, I know… But I don't think this is a psychotic episode... doc... I can feel his presence I can see him in my dreams... It's just that I can't remember how he looks when I wake up..."

"Would you be okay with being gay?"

"I don't care doc... it’s so overwhelming the happiness I feel just thinking about him without even know how to reach him… but I don't think my family feels the same. Please don't tell them, specially my aunt..."

"I won't. You know that everything we talk about here is totally confidential."

"I think he'll be coming soon."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's for the dreams... when I have them, I have a good day, and I feel better especially on the bad days when I begin to hear that voice in my head that drags me to the darkness... I will go to buy new clothes and cut my hair... I don't think he likes me looking like this... I know everything will be right when he comes... he promised stay by my side and that wasn’t a dream… I remembered it, I’m sure is a real memory."

 

………………..

 

 

"I told you that your psychic just wants your money... you shouldn't believe her," Jungkyun is saying to John.

"It's about energy... even if someone is dead you can still feel their energy. Don't you think Jaejoong?"

"I think it's possible... feeling someone's presence even if that person is not by your side..."

"Ok, but to believe that she's coming to him in a full moon night only if his psychic makes a special ceremony that will cost all of his savings, for me it's bull... she only wants your money John!"

"He's just envious because he doesn't have that connection with anyone... you know what I mean Jaejoong, something beyond physical..." John sticks out his tongue to Jungkyun and changes his seat to go nearer to Jaejoong. "You know what? I think you'd look amazing as blonde."

"I was blonde before, for the time of my accident and the first year after once my hair growth again... when I was recovering I decided for a change and tried some new looks, so I have my hair black since then, more recently I cut it."

"Now your forehead is more visible. Before you used to say that your blond and longer hair made you look too cute and people tended to take that for weakness... you hated that," Jungkyun says pensively.

"Is that so? Well I still hate people pitying me thinking that I'm weak."

 

 

----------

 

 

Later that day, they decide to go to Square du l’ Île de France Park in Île de la Cité on the heart of Paris, the island in the middle of the Seine to keep talking. They are laughing enjoying their time telling stories about each other. When they want to smoke they can’t because no one bring a lighter, now they are accompanied by Marco, the water of the club, comfortably seated on John's lap.

"I thought you were French."

"I'm not, I'm Italian," Marco says to Jaejoong.

"I want to learn to speak Italian."

"I could teach if you are more around here, it'd be easier if you speak Spanish."

"Actually I can speak English, Japanese, Spanish, French and Korean of course," Jaejoong tells him. “It’s a little funny, when I recovered my consciousness I already knew words and phrases on those languages, besides mine of course, I didn’t even know who I was but I could spout a complete Japanese poem.” Jaejoong smiles, “I was living in Spain for a few months with my aunt and her husband as chaperones some time ago. My friend Yuu got me a work assignment there, my first important task as a photographer. But being all the time with my aunt was so suffocating that I take the Spanish lessons just to have a break… I love her but seriously, she can be so overprotective. Anyway, that’s how I’m able to talk to Yuu in three languages.”

"You are so smart. I knew it. You're not just the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever met but the smartest too. I mean John is fine, JK here is so handsome, but you… man, you are beyond handsome.”

“Hey, I’m here! You know?… you’re sitting on my lap!” John whines.

“I know, I already chose you, didn’t I?” Marco gives a peck to the sulking guy while the other two can’t help but laugh. “But seriously you can’t deny he’s as handsome as intelligent. I have been almost a year and a half in Paris and my French still if it wasn’t for my decent English skills I couldn’t find a proper job.”

“Why you decided to come here?”

"Well, Jaejoong, as I told you, I'm Italian. I came here following a woman who went to visit my town with her brother as a tourist. We have an intense affair so I decided to follow her. Here I came to know that she was already married with two kids and when my heart didn’t break until I knew that her brother was married as well I realized that I used my relationship with her as an excuse to be closer to him. My family is so religious that, when I told them, they claimed I was dead so… No home to return to, this city is my new home and this guy is my only beloved one. I was so stupid to come to a total unknown place for ‘love’…”

 

 

………………..

 

 

“Doctor… Why I still can’t remember? I try and try but there’s still this immense hole in my mind, in my life, in my soul… the other day, my aunt brought a girl to the house… she said that I was almost engaged with that girl… how is it possible then that she didn’t remind me of anything?… I feel so empty…”

“I told you not to try to force yourself to remember, it’s not good for you, it’s the same for the information you receive, you can’t take it everything in one go. This process will take its time you-”

“I don’t have time… I feel like dying now. My parents came too… I can’t understand why they seem to hate me this much… but I remembered a fight with my aunt, don’t know why but she slapped me and told me to leave her house… I’m so scared because what if she accepted me again out of pity and someday decides that I should leave her house again?… and I keep waiting, waiting and waiting… I don’t even know what anymore… it’s just like hoping that someone is doing the same somewhere but I don’t know…”

“Remember when you were here six months ago? You were so optimistic about the future-”

“But nothing happened… he didn’t come… he won’t come because I’m not enough... am I so worthless?… he doesn’t care, he’s not waiting… he doesn’t even exist! He has to be a delusion… cause if he exists and doesn’t come… means that I’m nothing for him and to think that my only source of faith is a lie is terrifying… I want to disappear and stop being a burden for everyone around me…”

 

 

……………..…

 

 

“Jaejoong?” calls him Marco breaking his little trance.

“Yes?”

“I’m asking you if you’d do the same, leaving everything to follow someone.”

“I’d do, the sad part is that I don’t think someone would do the same for me,” Jaejoong smiles sadly.

“I think it depends of the circumstances,” Jungkyun intervenes, “a person can’t always do what they wanna do.”

“Bull! If you have the possibility then just go for it otherwise it's just cowardice."

"You said it yourself 'if you have the possibility'... I'll go find a lighter. Come with me Marco." Jungkyun stands up and walks off, together with the youngest guy, from the bench where they were sitting.

 

 

"If your angel hadn't died... hadn't you done everything to reach her and be happy with her, John?" Jaejoong asks the guy when they are alone.

"If someone would have asked me that same question until two years ago, I would have said 'yes' without any doubt but now... I wouldn't, I hurt her so much... I only brought her pain and gave her darkness when she gave me light. I was the worst she could find in her life. If she'd have survived to the overdose, I would have let her be happy away from me... maybe that's the reason the person haunting you in your dreams -if it’s still alive- never comes to you, maybe that person destroyed all of you and your amnesia became a blessing to forget all the pain..." John releases a breath.

"I thought about that so many times... I really believe that sometimes but there's still this stupid desire to maintain the last trace of hope... this faith that makes me wait... I would like to know what the hell he wants from me, even better if he just leave me alone if all this is meaningless... but a bigger part of me just wants to keep waiting," Jaejoong ends his rant with a sigh.

"Or it could be the other way around; it could be you the one at fault. Remember the friend with the same condition as you I talked about? She used to need being hospitalized during her manic episodes without treatment... during one of them, she cheated on his boyfriend with two guys. He knew that she wasn't at her right mind but still, he was too hurt, he was trying to deal with her disorder and find the best way to help her and when that happened he left."

"The worst thing is that ‘I don't know’ -my favorite phrase I guess- I don't know how I was before..."

 

 

----------

 

 

Around two in the morning they are still talking and smoking while walking around de l' Île de la Cité.

"So, to put it simpler," Jaejoong continues with his explanation to Marco, "there's two kinds of states or episodes you experiment when you are bipolar, in a manic episode you could feel overly energized, happy, like you could do or be or get anything and even doing crazy things when it's too intense. Then there's the depressive state like everything in the world means nothing, I think this one is easier to understand." Marco nods and Jaejoong goes on, "in the middle are the normal periods or the mixed ones. In my case I experience major depression states and hypomania. The good part is that I'm very productive in a hypomanic state, my only alarm when it happened the last time was that I didn't sleep for too much time... maybe that's why I could learn Spanish so fast." Jaejoong smiles, "well that's when I don't follow my treatment correctly which didn't happen recently."

"So you have to take meds and go to therapy al your life..."

"It sounds worse than it is, even when I changed my psychiatrist. The old one was retired for the time of my accident and now, I’m being treated for one of his best students, Dr. Shim, and he’s young but incredible. The toughest part for me was come to know about my condition when I was still trying to find out who I was. But I'm fine now," Jaejoong says. "Still, it would have been great to be able to remember everything faster. Like, seeing my aunt Seunghye and to know all about her instantly... I wonder why there weren't more people that give me a good feeling coming to visit me, like Kim Junsu, he-"

"Junsu!" John exclaims. "He was an amazing baker. He used to give me the broken cookies from his little store for free."

"Do you know him? Do you know where he is?"

"After what happened to his bakery I lost contact with him. A false report to the health authority ruined him. They came and took everything... his oven, his utensils, his pots... everything. Poor guy, he was really nice, and his business was increasing, he even had an employee. I remember him so proud of being ‘a boss’. And the bastard that filled the fake complaint mysteriously got an audition for his son at a talent agency. But the kid quit at the first chance, he wanted to be a doctor, so the bastard sold his soul for nothing. I'm sure it was the big store two blocks away from Junsu’s place."

"That’s awful… When did all of that happen?"

"Way before your accident," Jungkyun says, "but he's okay now. He’s leaving in Yangju, working and saving to open a new place. His name is clean but all his old bakery things were garbage for the time everything was clarified."

"I'll go to meet him. I'm sure that he could tell me all the things you don't want to tell me… You know Jungkyun? It's not like my head would explode if you tell me-"

"How long did it take your family to tell you about your passion for photography?... two years? –Don't pout at me you know that that doesn't work with me– And you think that I can just blurt out everything I know about you so carelessly. The day will come, and I'll tell you all, until then, please don't ask me anything."

 

 

----------

 

 

While appreciating the beautiful architecture of the buildings surrounding them, they decide to give up the idea to try to walk around the entire island, leaving it for another occasion. When the four friends can be together again. Jungkyun is going back to Korea the next day and John will be flying to America the next month but he and Marco will be traveling around France for the time in-between. Jaejoong still has two weeks to stay in Paris due his work; he’s already planning to contact Jungkyun in Seoul.

John and Marco say goodbye and head to the latter's place. Jungkyun and Jaejoong are crossing the Cardenal Lustiger Bridge to go back to his respective places too.

"So, Jaejoong, which one is better for you, the trip for the Seine at night or during the day? You have made the River Cruise, haven’t you? Vedettes du Pont Neuf… speedboats… no?”

“Actually, I haven’t.”

“No way! Two times in Paris and you haven’t taken the cruise?”

“When was my first time in Paris?” Jaejoong asks with a serious tone.

Jungkyun exhales deeply, “years ago, you were working as a photographer for a journal office. They were invited to come to an important ‘young journalists’ encounter or something like that. You came here for a week with some of your colleagues.”

“I knew it –well, not really– but you know… I had this feeling, so I chose Paris for my new assignment. I-”

“Let’s take the sightseeing cruise. Tomorrow, well, later today. Eleven in the morning. Square du Vert-Galant Park. Do you know where it is?”

“I think so, I can always check on a map, but-”

“Taxi!” Jungkyun makes a driver to stop. “No time! Take this one, try to sleep a little. See you tomorrow.” He pushes to a very puzzled Jaejoong inside the vehicle, giving unnecessary instructions to the driver and the taxi moves again.

 

 

When Jaejoong arrives to his cousin’s apartment, Yoochun is sleeping on the sofa waiting for him to arrive. They talk a little and go to sleep. Alone once again, Jae recalls all what has happened this day, about Junsu, about his previous travel to Paris. His family never told him anything about that last thing.

How would it be if the lovely old woman fired from his aunt’s mansion had stayed with him? He still remembers when she left telling to his aunt that ‘the memory of the heart was more powerful than all the damned oblivion’. The look of her eyes when she glanced at him for the last time is still engraved in Jaejoong's memories.

He falls asleep hoping for a night without dreams but he cannot help having nightmares and wakes up later that day sweating and panting. Once again is the fear of the fall, the pain and the metallic taste in his mouth and the other person covered in blood.

He keeps thinking about the nightmare as gets ready to go out. He knows it’s a memory now, the only thing he can retrace from the accident.

 

 

……………..…

 

 

“Doctor, there was someone with me?... Who was it? When the accident… the image of that other person came to my mind… the head it’s bleeding, I can’t see the face…”

“It could be a visualization of yourself-”

“No doctor… I’m seeing that person, there’s no way I could remember seeing myself… I see the blood, I try to reach that hand but I sink into the darkness…”

 

 

-----------o---------

 

 

He arrives to Pont Neuf Bridge a few minutes before eleven and goes to the stairs that descend to the Vedettes du Pont Neuf watching amused a disappointed tourist couple because they can’t put their padlock on the grilles around the place like was in the past, an insane quantity, all of them from couples expecting their love lasting forever.

He takes some photos of the place and goes to Square Vert-Galant to wait for Jungkyun. From that beautiful park, he has a good view of the river and the Bridge above. He takes more pictures of the place a little far from the port of the speedboats outside the park where a street singer is making a little introduction for his next song, he’ll sing in Spanish, a tango from a singer of his land.

 

Estoy soñando, sí

(I’m dreaming, yes)

Sólo imagino

(I just imagine)

Todo es real

(Everything is real)

Ojala que así lo fuera

(I hope so it was)

Es sólo otro día

(It’s just another day)

Otra noche fría

(Another cold night)

No sé si me buscas, o si me esperas

(I don’t know if you’re looking for me or if you are waiting for me)

 

…

 

As the song continues Jaejoong feels totally restless, there is not enough air in his lungs; each note is triggering something inside him. There are places, people, voices… everything coming at once.

 

…No puedo dejarte, y menos olvidarte

(I can’t leave you, let alone forget you)

No puedo saber qué quieres de mí

(I can’t know what you want from me)

Puedo tocarte, incluso verte

(I can touch you, even see you)

Ven hacia mí

(Come to me)

 

…

 

He feels like crying, like screaming because it’s too much. The air has been knocked out of his body; the noises inside his head are louder and louder.

 

…Dime quién eres

(Tell me who you are)

Dime dónde estás

(Tell me where you are)

¿Qué quieres de mí?

(What do you want from me?)

¿Qué necesitas de mí?

(What do you need from me?)

No puedo saberlo... ¿qué quieres de mí?

(I can’t know it… What do you want from me?)

 

…

 

His head hurts, it feels like crushing and he crouches down from the pain, he’s holding his camera tightly against his chest like if that could reduce the physical pain and make him breath normally again.

 

…Dime amor que me quieres... que todavía me anhelas

(Tell me love that you love me… that you still long for me)

 

…

 

There is a face, a face that he can see clearly now, an unbearable cold, a voice whispering sweet nothings on his ear… the same voice he can hear in the wind of his loneliest days.

 

…Ay amor, te esperaré toda la vida

(Oh my love, I'll wait all my life for you)

Te esperaré hasta la muerte...

(I'll wait for you until my death...)

Siempre... siempre, siempre... estoy amor... esperándote

(Always... always, always...I'm always, love... waiting for you)

 

…

 

As if someone had opened the tap of his lost memories inside his head, tens of thoughts flood his mind. A fight, blood, someone screaming at him, one touch, arms wrapping his body. The same voice over and over again accusing him, yelling at him, crying for him. The headache is now so potent that his vision is blurred and without noticing he’s in pain curled on the ground.

 

…No lo soporto, no me persigas,

(I can't stand it, don't chase me,)

¿Por qué me torturas?

(Why do you torture me?)

¿Qué quieres de mí?

(What do you want from me?)

 

…

 

He’s crying out in pain. There are some people surrounding him and someone suggest calling an ambulance.

Jungkyun appears in the middle of the crowd and goes to him holding him and taking him away from there, Jaejoong stumbles in the stairs but his friend never lets go of him. His mind is a mess but he can see clearer than ever since the accident. The younger one asks him to go to a hospital or contacting his cousin but Jae refuses requesting him to take him to Jungkyun’s apartment. He doesn’t hear the song anymore but it’s still resonating inside his head during their way.

 

 

 

He can’t say how much time has passed, he’s staring at the ceiling of Jungkyun’s bedroom, and the headache has diminished considerably leaving only a dull throb. When his friend enters once again to check up on him carrying a tray with food, Jaejoong sits on the bed.

“I know you won’t want to tell me what I want.” He makes a pause even when he knows that his friend can already guess what he’s going to say. “I remember now, but not everything, all of it is so confusing… I’ll go back to Korea tomorrow with you. I don’t want to see my cousin right now… please go to his apartment and bring my bags, almost everything is already packed. There are some things outside. Collect everything, please. There is a box inside the bathroom under the sink… bring it too please. Take the key.” He takes a piece of paper and writes something on it giving it to the other when finishes, “put this on the fridge.”

“Are you sure?”

“Totally.”

Jungkyun leaves. Jaejoong knows that Yoochun isn’t at home at this hour so there won’t be any problem. He drinks the juice and eats the sandwich his friend left for him. He’s trying to distract himself even though the same voice, his voice, keeps replaying in his mind over and over again.

 

…

 

“…You shouldn’t sleep in the balcony, you’ll get sick… what would I do if something happens to you… don’t be late, I’ll be here as always, love… waiting for you…”

 

 

--------------------

“Esperándote” (Waiting For You)

Rika Muranaka – Vanesa Quiroz (Silent Hill OST)