CHAPTER 3

Et Si Tu N'Existais Pas

 

And if you’re not going to come back…

Tell me why I will live?

Crawling in a world without you, without hope or faith.

 

---------------------

The apartment isn't very large but irradiates home warmth. When they arrive the only sight of the worn out teddy bear seated on the couch next to a book left there carelessly is enough to ease the pain of Jaejoong’s heart and confirm his suspicion. He discards his jacket and his scarf at that same couch.

Jungkyun asks him to wait and heads to one of the bedrooms.

"Are you fine? I've been trying to reach you but your phone is off. You've been acting strange since your return... is everything alright? Uncle wants to see you... for God's sake Jungkyun say something! You're scaring me..."

"I'm... sorry... for breaking my promise..."Jungkyun tells him incapable of sustaining the other’s gaze.

Jaejoong can hear his voice and even when he was expecting it, he feels overwhelmed. He can't help but go to the place his voice can be heard from and opens the door widely.

"I have to go... I'll be at uncle's..."Jungkyun excuses himself leaving the room and soon after the apartment.

The two remaining men just look at each other for a long moment, the taller one frozen in his spot while Jaejoong is observing him silently drinking in his features. Yunho is wearing only a wife beater and sweatpants, his long wet hair knotted in a ponytail can't conceal the scar that crosses the left side of his face from forehead to chin. He observes Jaejoong as well, his hair is slightly longer than the last time he saw him but still short and then it sinks, Jaejoong is in front of him knowing who he is. Yunho doesn't know the extent of Jaejoong's recovered memories but he can know for certain seeing to those big eyes that he came to love so much, that the invisible thread bonding them is still there.

Jaejoong moves towards him, the movement so unexpected that Yunho can't react on time and receives a blow in the jaw that sends him direct to the floor.

"You always knew where to find me! And still you didn't come... I was waiting for so long and you..."Jaejoong continues hitting him and yelling at him and it all feels so surreal. Yunho feels alive for the first time in years so he let the other vent his anger barely managing to put his hands in front of his chest more to be able to graze the skin of Jaejoong's arms than to oppose some resistance.

Jaejoong is a mess of sweat and tears by the time he's done swearing and yelling, he uses his thumb to try to wipe the blood of Yunho's now broken lip and his other fingers to dry the tears of that face his heart has been missing so much even when his mind couldn't recall it at all.

 

"You don't have anything to say?" He says caressing the scar of the other's face tenderly. "You are so cruel..." he tries to stand up but stops feeling a tug on his wrist.

"Time ago, I saw you with your hairstylist at that fancy mall... I waited for you at the entrance... I was so full of hope thinking on those romantic movies… you'd see me and your heart would recognize me… then, all your memories of us would return, I'd take your hand and we would run away without giving a on the world... I awaited, my heart hammering so hard I was dizzy... you didn't even spare me a look, I was there in front of you but there wasn't the slightest sign of recognition..."

"I didn't know... I..."

"I know... I know that even your family was no more than anonymous faces for you but still it hurt…” he sighs deeply, “although my heart broke that time, I kept trying over and over again appearing by surprise near you until someone made me realize that I should stop... it was for the best... I had to let you alone..."

Jaejoong lies on his chest listening to his heartbeats with an arm across his abdomen. Yunho puts a hand upon his arm and caresses softly the skinthere with his thumb.

“At first, I used to pray like my aunt does every day, till one morning... I stopped because I felt like I didn’t need to do it anymore somehow I was sure you would reach me…”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I would have liked to do the things different.”

“They told me that you were dead but deep inside me, I knew it wasn’t true… I would have waited all my life for you to come…”

“Don’t say that… I could never let it happen.” Even when I’d do exactly the same.

“Have you… have you moved on?... find someone else?”

“I don’t think I need to answer that…”

“I tried… but I failed miserably. I’d have liked to be able to recognize you when you came to see me… so unfair.”

 

 

Tiredness takes over Jaejoong, he has not slept since the plane trip and for the first time in years, he feels his body and mind completely relaxed. There are still many things to clarify, many events to talk about, many questions to ask… so many things to do, but at this moment he only wants to relax, listening to that heartbeat like in the old days when the nightmares and bad thoughts plagued his days and that sound was his source of consoling.

 

 

“Jaejoong?” the other shakes him carefully until he opens his eyes again. “I have to take you with me.” Yunho gets up from the floor along with the other smiling at his sleepy face.

Jaejoong looks at him too and feels bad for the punch on his face seeing the broken lip. “I’m sorry for the bruise… I used to imagine the moment very romantic with music and a rainbow… I keep on going cheesier and cheesier…” both laugh, for a short time that for that same short time let them pretend everything is as it was before.

“Don't worry… you know it doesn’t hurt.” Yunho says wincing when he touches his wounded lip while getting a jacket from his drawer and going to the private bathroom in the room to clean his face.

“Where are we going?” Jaejoong appears beside him to clean himself, not really interested to know but more trying to be more time with the other.

“You’ll see.” Yunho takes his hand when both are done and leads him out of the apartment grabbing his wallet and his keys. “You still like using boots…”

“Some things, I just began to doing them instinctively I guess.”

They go down in the elevator till reaching the garage of the basement, not even once letting the other’s hand. It felt so good till they have to get in Yunho’s car.

Jaejoong falls asleep not long after the journey has begun, totally relaxed, not wanting to think on his family’s new lies nor anything. He knows for sure, he won’t be having nightmares this time.

While his love is sleeping, Yunho has time to think and remember many things that have happened around and between the two.

 

 

…...............

 

 

“What are you planning to do, uh? When we leave you alone…” one of his friends was saying.

“That’s true… Changmin is already in London, Yuu will return to Japan, Siwon will move on to America and I’ll be living on the other side of the country,” Donghae added.

“We’ll still have internet and cellphones considering that you throw away my address book…” Yunho said rolling his eyes. “It’s not like I’m going to die from solitude.”He was distracted looking on another direction.

“Stop staring at him Yunho… you’ll make holes on the poor guy’s head. You should talk to him.” Yuu said him interrupting his previous chat without even looking up from his book.

“I’m… I’m not staring –how could you know– besides I-” Yunho sighed, “he’s always coming in that fancy car with that enormous chauffeur that looks more like a bodyguard…”

“And you’re worried for your social differences...”

“I wasn’t but I am now, ‘thanks’… I was worried that that guy would give me a beating.” All the table burst into laughter.

 

…................

 

 

“Bad news my friend… he has a girlfriend and it seems they are a quite long time together. You know how it is for people from his social class. 'Arranged marriage' or in his case a long courtship with a girl from his same status and then, engagement, the marriage, the children and so.”

Yunho listened to the news silently feeling defeated, Jaejoong after all, was an impossible for him.

 

….................

 

 

“So, you’ll continue working at that journal right? Don’t forget calling. Don’t lose your phone… I can’t believe that we are all abandoning you…” the friend and Yunho were at the airport and the first was about to board his plane.

“Don’t worry Yuu, I’m not a toddler. We’ll be a call away. Besides with the new coworkers that start working at the journal next week, I’ll have the opportunity to make new friends.”

“I hope so… if only your grandpa was alive…”

 

….................

 

 

“France, Yunho! Paris! I’m so excited.”

“Me too, it’s the first time I’m leaving the country... Your girlfriend will miss you for sure…”

“Girlfriend? What girlfriend? I’m totally single ages ago.”

Jaejoong chuckled and kept moving in excitement while they were securing their seatbelts at the plane.

 

….................

 

 

“I was so scared of you rejecting me…”

“I was more scared of you never telling me anything. You know, it’s kinda difficult to be sure of the other's situation and worse without any prior signal.”

“Maybe I should carry a sign like Donghae used to tell me.” Yunho said and Jaejoong laughed, and how he loved that laugh.

 

…................

 

 

“I had to take them for a life… I’m sick… I…” Jaejoong was trembling showing his pills after explaining about his bipolar disorder to Yunho after a long night of endless nightmares.

“Don’t worry, my love. I'll be by your side always... no matter what.” Yunho hugged him tightly, “you are much stronger than I thought…”

 

….................

 

 

“Then that’s why you came to university with a car with an elegant chauffer…”

“And why I only ate gourmet dishes made at home, otherwise I had had to come to school walking and living drinking only water here, couldn't hang out with my ‘friends’, even when I wasn't particularly close to them, and that’s why I was so desperate to begin to work too.”

“Your aunt is incredibly avaricious. I could never imagine that she was that much of a controller.”

“Each penny, baby, I had to render accounts of each penny. I’ll tell you a secret… Yangmi actually, wasn’t my girlfriend. She’s a really good friend. She feigned to be in a relationship with me so my aunt give me and let me expend more money without being controlled and when I implied that I wanted to marry her, my aunt let me taking her out without chaperone. She didn’t want to be seen as a controller by Yangmi’s family. I saved some money but when my supposed girlfriend told me that she was going to leave the country for the scholarship she got, I was desperate to get a job. And now we are here, I’m so happy of not getting the interview on time at the other place, if so I would have never had the opportunity of spending time with you. I don’t say ‘meet you’,” Jaejoong Yunho’s cheek, “because I’m sure we were destined to find each other…”

 

…..................

 

 

"I can't believe she treated you like that. I truly believed that she loved you... I really hoped she could accept the truth."Yunho was caressing Jaejoong's hair watching him sleep in his arms the first night of them living together after his lover was kicked out of his aunt's house. “I hate having to love you on the quiet when all that I want is shouting our love from the rooftops…”

 

.....................

 

 

"You really hate your boss..."

"Of course I hate him, he's a degenerate. I can't understand how those girls don't say anything..."

"But Jae... maybe they really need the job. We can't know-"

"I need the job too. Would you be okay if I let my boss me and even take me to a motel?!"

"Of course not. I would kill him if he dares to try to touch you even when I know that you'd never let that to happen."Yunho hugged him possessively. "We don't know how desperate their situations are… I don’t know what I would be able to do for you, for me, for us…"

 

....................

 

 

"I'm happy you like the place, even when it's so tiny."Yunho said lowering his head looking at the floor of the rooftop room.

"We have a bathtub, it's old but it still works, baby. Maybe we can take a bath together later,"Jaejoong said smirking mischievously.

"I wanted to spend the evening at the balcony again but I like your idea better.” He lifted Jaejoong over his shoulder and carried him to the bathroom filling the little place with his laughs.

 

….................

 

 

“Let’s invite him to dinner. He seems nice, besides he doesn’t have even a plate or a cup. You don’t mind if we give him a blanket so he doesn’t freeze, right?” Jaejoong was pouting while talking about their new neighbor, Jungkyun.

“Have I ever told you that I love you?”

 

…...............

 

 

“Yunho!” Jaejoong jumped to his arms and kissed him roughly. “Today is day three since I sent my boss to hell. I’m free, baby!”

“Jaejoong?..." a deathly tired Yunho said, "let me take a shower first…” Jaejoong was leaving a hickey on his neck.

“I don’t care. You’re perfect like this… yummier…”

"Let's go together then."

"Ok but if you fall asleep again I'll... bite your !"

"What?" Yunho laughed amused. "I thought you'd say 'no for a month'."

"You're the one who is supposed to be punished, not me!"

 

…..................

 

 

“The thing is, I found him painting the ceiling last night. I don’t even know where he got the paint from… something is off, Jungkyun, and I’m scared.” Yunho was nervously talking with their new friend.

“I think he’s faking about taking his pills… you have to confront him so we could be prepared if the situation worsens…”

 

….................

 

 

"You lied to me... how you could? You know how important this is!"

“What did you expected me to do?!... We are barely doing it! I… I’m fine now… I didn’t have an uncontrollable episode in a long time…” Jaejoong looked deeply hurt.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have yelled at you…” he said hugging the shorter one, “we’ll figure this out.”

 

….................

 

 

“It’s worse than the last time… when I arrive home, he curls on the bed like I was about to attack him or something but if I try to give him space later he says I don't want him close to me… I don’t know what to do, Jungkyun…”

 

…................

 

 

“You should try to contact that man. What if he was being serious?” Jaejoong said while Yunho was kissing his collarbone.

“If you’re thinking about that right now, it means I’m doing it terribly wrong…”

Jaejoong chuckled softly, “it’s not that, it’s just that seeing your body, your face…” he was caressing his face with his fingers, “I think you could be a great model.”

“As I told you before, no business man who claims to be one, goes to a place where he can literally be thrown into the back alley. He just wanted to be kind as a way to show his gratitude to me for being nice to him and get him a cab to go home. More important, he was totally wasted.”

“You could try…”

“Baby, probably the only thing I'd find if I go there, will be a gang ready to me…”

“Don’t say that!”

“I was joking, love, I told you I won’t go nor contact that man.”

“I think I could die if someone touches you… I don’t want you to be hurt…”

 

…................

 

 

“I’m telling you that Junsu makes me eat every kind of sweets he tries to bake… I even brought you cookies, remember?” Jaejoong was telling him annoyed trying to avoid the spun from Yunho’s hand.

“I know but still, love, you’re so thin… I don’t want you to get sick again…”

“I won’t, I don’t sleep on the balcony anymore. Jungkyun doesn’t let me. He says he’s immune to my pout,” Jaejoong said looking at his lover, “you’re so thin too, your face is getting sharper…”

 

….................

 

 

“So, Junsu is gone…”

“Yeah… I told him that I got a job in a bar cleaning tables.”

“I don’t like that place but well… mine is no better. At least that Kichun guy seems nice.”

 

…................

 

 

“I couldn’t do it… I didn’t want to… please don’t hate me… Kichun was right, that guy was kind, he stopped when I… please don’t hate me…”

“Don’t cry… it’s over, my love… everything is over. You’re with me now…” Yunho really didn’t care what Jaejoong wanted to do, he knew they both were desperate. The only thing that mattered to him was that he was safe in his arms again, that he stopped on time.

 

….................

 

 

“You want my help? Then beg for it…” the stern voice of the woman pierced his soul, but he was desperate.

“Please,” he begged on his knees, “he could die ma’am…”

“If he dies, it’s the heaven’s just punishment for your sins.” The woman sneered looking at him disdainful. “Leave!”

 

…...............

 

 

“What did you do? Jae!” he entered the bathroom to the vision of his bleeding lover lying on the bathtub almost unconscious. He had sliced his wrists.

 

….................

And if you’re not going to come back…

Tell me why I will live?

Sad days of immense solitude, and I will never love again.

 

--------------------

 

Yunho remembers that day and it’s like watching a slow motion movie, the panic and the despair and once again he feels like he can’t breathe as thick tears come out from his eyes. He stops at a red traffic light and tries to calm down, everything happened years ago but the fear he felt to lose the man sleeping next to him is so real like it was happening right now. He dries his tears and continues driving after the light changes.

“Yunho?” Jaejoong says barely opening his eyes. “Thanks for taking care of my teddy bear, it would be sad if it ended in a dumpster…” he closes his eyes going back to his slumber again.

When Jaejoong left their little home, everything seemed so empty for Yunho that finding that old toy was like a ray of hope in the middle of the darkness surrounding him. He would never be able to throw it away, at some way it brought him a faint memory of the warmth of his lover.

 

…..................

 

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t pay enough attention.” He was apologizing for the umpteenth time when Jaejoong fell sick once again.

“It’s not your fault, Jungkyun. Fortunately, this time it isn’t as serious as the previous one. It’s just a cold. I’ve already closed the access to the balcony but well… it’s not like he can’t find the way to open it again. What worries me the most is his stomach problem… he’s not eating as he should.”

“I'll make sure that he eats.”

“I asked for help to the guy of the basement, he’s nice. He’ll make sure Jaejoong doesn’t leave the building while we are out.”

“So sad that he’s into drugs… I hope he can really help us.”

 

………………..

 

 

Yunho would like to know what happened to that guy that helped them in moments they really needed. Jungkyun hasn’t told him yet, he found John again in Paris because he wanted to save him from sad memories.

 

…................

 

 

“So… where are you going, Jungkyun?”

“I’ll be living with Seungho on the first floor for the time being, until his father comes back because they will be leaving then. He is a good friend… it's a pity to find him so late. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on Jaejoong like always even when he’s pretty well these days.”

 

…................

 

 

“Then Yoochun is going to America to visit his uncle. I wonder what my aunt would say if only she knew about that uncle married to another man.” Jaejoong laughed devilishly, “Maybe I should tell her, so her picture of the perfect family will shatter into pieces. After all she’s a divorced woman married again but still…”

“You can’t do that, if so, you would betray your cousin’s trust on you.”

“You’re right, but still…”

 

….................

 

 

“It’s the worst of all them… he wakes up screaming and trembling like a leaf…”

“I know… but what can we do? He’s already taking the sleeping pills, what else you could do?”

“I don’t know… we have to leave the room by the end of the month. I owe several months of rent. I’m still paying for the loan my boss gave me. I don’t know what to do… where I would take him? Under a bridge?” Yunho was crying his heart out sobbing uncontrollably, “That is no life for him!”

 

…..................

 

 

Yunho was running like crazy to the hospital, Jungkyun called him crying inconsolable to tell him about Jaejoong’s condition due an overdose of sleeping pills. He had helped him to throw up when he found him but still, Jae wasn’t out of danger yet even with the treatment that he had already received at that place. He took Jaejoong’s hand between his asking him to be strong once again. He needed money so with a heavy heart he asked Jungkyun for his phone, never before like at that moment he felt lost, wishing he still had a way to contact his old friends.

He knew after finishing his second call that night, that it was a definitive turn on their lives.

 

....................

 

 

"So, the reason why you, ma'am, are here is that your brother in law had an existential crisis after suffering a heart attack and suddenly remembered he has a son... I'd say that ‘I can't believe your level of ambition’ but I know that you're capable of anything."

"You're an impertinent," Seunghye said him with a sneer, "you can't stop him from visiting his father."

"I don't need to," Yunho answered smiling wryly, "I guess you haven't realized yet that Jaejoong is a grown up man very capable of making his own decisions."

"It's the perfect chance for him to resume a normal life."

"You are only worried about the management of your wealth..."

"I love my nephew like my own son. I know that he will take the reins of everything that belongs to him by right. I'm sure you're pretty aware about my entire knowledge of your situation... What are you going to do if the next time he has a crisis –because we both know, it will be a next time if he stays with you— no one is there to help him? When you are thrown out from that miserable place?” the woman kept talking exuding her poison. “You can't provide him the help he needs.What are you going to do when he knows everything you did?" She scoffed seeing him falter. “You wouldn’t gain anything if you speak, maybe you just make his state worsen. But if I speak…”

 

..................

And if you’re not going to come back…

I’d be just another sailor

In the world that comes and goes

Pitiful my life will be, if you’re not here.

 

-------------------

 

 

"...And you make a call and that awful woman mysteriously appears to take him with her?... you have to go talk to him!"

"Jungkyun... don't you realize that we are in the middle of the night... in a park, with nowhere to go... jobless... that the last time we eat something substantial enough was a week ago? And you want me to go get him and drag him to hell once again... I just..."

They stayed in silence for a moment.

"I always imagined that you'll get married in a beach... Australia would be great...”

“Where do we get the money?”

“I don’t know, I only imagine the good part, when we spend it.” Jungkyun smiled to Yunho. “I'd be there with the girlfriend Jae promised to me –he has to get her for me, I’m still waiting– ...the people all dressed in white..."

"White? I'd prefer light blue..."

"But Jae would say white and pout and you'd agree... it's your weakness," they chuckled a little, "for your first dance as husband and husband you'd dance, you know, that Il Divo's song about loving till the end, and everyone would be moved and then... as your best man, I'd say the cheesiest speech I could say totally wasted. I'd end giving Jae's cousin, the punch he deserves for what he did and then I'd run cause Jae will want to punch me too and you'd laugh even if I ask for your help..." they laughed for a while adding more and more absurd details to the image in their heads.

"I don't think I can do it... "Yunho said after their laughs subsided. "Even if I lived a thousand years..."

"Do what thing?" Jungkyun asked.

"Forgetting about him... you know? Among all the things that his aunt told me that day, she said it will be a day when he doesn't even remember my name... I wish for that to occur..."

"Wishes are dangerous Yunho... don't come with that of 'I'm happy if he's happy'."

"That's not it... it's just that I'm sure that if he appears in front of me and smiles... I'd drag him with me and my ty life just for the ephemeral happiness we could have because deeply inside I'm a selfish bastard dying to hold him in my arms once again..." and tears replaced the laughs from before.

 

.....................

 

 

"I wasn't expecting find you here young man," a man with an elegant suit and very sober that time, approached them when they were enjoying his shared instant meal in a street bench, "you really should pay me a visit to the agency. I was expecting a call at least."

 

....................

 

 

"Do you like my new hairstyle? I wanted something different. I was going to the gym too." Jaejoong says startling Yunho waking bringing him back from his memories. "I think is too short, maybe I'll try red next. I like your brown hair… is it long because of the scar? What happened to you?”

“I like your hair… it suits you, everything suits you.” He says smiling not too sure if Jaejoong is totally awake now.

“I went with the Krilin style too, when I was at the hospital… I guess it couldn’t be helped.”

“Still amazing” Yunho says smiling before the memory.

“Liar!… you didn’t see me.”

“Of course I did, I was there every day… actually every night.”

“But you weren’t there when I woke up…”

“I…”

“I’m still sleepy.”

“Then sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

Jaejoong falls asleep once again and Yunho covers him with a blanket he takes from the back seat. He’s taking longer turns in their route on purpose because he wants the drive to last as long as possible.

He can realize that Jaejoong hasn’t remembered everything yet, but he does. He remembers how hard it was seeing his lover between life and death on that hospital where he was a patient too. He remembers very well his Jae laying on that bed and after, being hit by the reality of the oblivion. Jungkyun was right, whishes are dangerous and he was suffering because his wish became true, Jaejoong had lost his memories and he was a scared creature trying to understand the world surrounding him.

 

 

…..................

 

 

“How are you planning to convince him if you don’t wanna tell him your story…”Jungkyun was huffing exasperated.

“I don’t know… but if Changmin doesn’t come, that woman could get him an awful doctor that I'm sure won't help him at all…”

Yunho wasn’t going to waste the chance to find his old friends. He had the resources now, he could use his savings from when he worked as a model. He was going to do everything as long as it helped to his love, even when he couldn’t get close to him, even when Jaejoong didn’t recognize him at all.

 

…................

 

 

“It’s done then… I was expecting a sign and I guess your call is that sign. I’ll be returning home next month. We have a lot to catch up, we did lost contact for so long.”

"Of course we will be chatting a lot. I’m so happy you’ll come back here. I’ve been missing to all of you, Changmin.”

“But you can’t disappear this time, Yunho. I’ll tell the guys I found you, well, you found me, but more important, we don’t lose you again.”

 

 

The first one he found was Changmin, one of the best students of a renowned psychiatrist that happened to be the now retired Jaejoong’s ex-doctor.

It was one of the rare occasions that luck was on his side.

When he knew his other friend, Yuu, was looking for someone to make a photography job for his company in Spain, he didn’t lose the chance either to get a little early push for Jaejoong’s photography work even when that meant lying to his friend.

 

 

“You shouldn’t hide your face, the scar looks fine in you somehow.”

“Nonsense, I’m fine like this. So… will you consider going to his photographic exhibition? I’m telling you he’s really talented.”

“Of course I’ll go, maybe Kim Jaejoong is the one we are looking for. This assignment in Spain is really important. It’s a pity that you did never have something with him.”

“Couldn’t be helped I guess.”

“Maybe this time, you and him-”

“I’m living with someone right now, Yuu. The only thing I feel for him now is admiration, besides, even when we worked together we did never become close so we weren't meant to be...”

 

..................

 

 

When they arrive to that place, Yunho asks for permission to park in front of the lattice at the entrance. When the access is open, he stops the car before waking up the other.

"What are we doing here?"Jaejoong is awake looking at him questioningly.

"This is your home Jae, you-"

"What the hell! I don't want to be here. They lied to me again... Let's get out of here!"

"Jaejoong I can't... we can't... you have-"

"So that's how it's going to be. First my parents, then my aunt and now you are going to decide what I have to do? I don't have a voice about my own life?!" Jaejoong gets out of the car slamming the door after. Yunho goes after him and tries to stop him.

"Jaejoong, please... you don't understand..."

"Of course I understand... if you don't want to be with me," his voice trembles involuntarily, "if you don't love anymore... just say it! But don't pretend to know what's better for me!"

Jaejoong rushes into the house without looking back. Yunho follows him but the other climbs the stairs to his bedroom hurriedly.

"Give him some space," Jaejoong's uncle tells Yunho, "you can talk to him later." The man just looked at them entering the place.

"It has no sense, sir. You know I can't. I better go." Yunho heads to the door and Seunghye enters at that very moment.

"Who let you in... what are you doing here?!"

"I let him in," her husband says, "Jaejoong-"

"He could return at any moment and I don't want him to find this blighter here!"

"Of course I'm leaving. I don't wanna be near you!"

 

Jaejoong is packing some things in a suitcase when he hears the yells and goes to peek what's going on. The white big dog, Vick, is by his side and when he sees it and hears the argument, he remembers a day from his past.

 

 

....................

 

 

"Come Vick, it's too cold here." Jaejoong got out from his bedroom; he had been discharged from hospital for a high fever and stomach sickness recently. His aunt discovered that he wasn't following his treatment for his bipolar disorder correctly and she was mad at him.

He was at the terrace taking sun wrapped in a blanket leafing a magazine.

"Look, Vick, he looks really good even with that outfit," the dog looked at him attentively then continued digging in a pot near the railing, "don't go there, my aunt will see you and she'll freak out because that railing is too frail."

The dog went near him, wiggling its tail. "Do you think he'll be happy with that girl, Vick? My aunt says they'll get married in two months... why it has to be like this, Vick? He's modeling for important brands, ready to marry and I can't bring myself to follow my ing treatment!... No, Vick, I won't cry... I do never cry for anything, right Vick?... not for him... not again." He embraced the dog to feel some comfort when he heard yells from the ground floor, looking to the garden three levels down, he saw his aunt going out and arguing with someone he knew too well. "Yunho? What does he want? Invite me to his wedding?" He gritted his teeth in anger.

 

"Get out of here!"

"I won't! You promised... you promised you would take care of him. I'd disappear from his life and you'd protect him!"

"And you could do it? Just because you're doing it fine right now it doesn't mean I can destroy you if I want!"

"You said you loved him like your own son and I was a fool to believe he will be your priority… I believed in your words but no more! I want to talk to him, I love him, I’m gonna ask him to leave with me. Jaejoong! Jaejoong!...”

“What are you waiting for? Get him out of here!”

 

 

….................

 

 

The day of the accident, Jaejoong can remember now. He managed to see how some workers of the house including his aunt’s chauffeur approached to them, in a desperate attempt for stop those people to drag his lover out of the house he ran to the railing screaming Yunho’s name and then it happened. Like in slow motion he revives the fall, the piece of railing yielding to his weight, a glimpse of the white fur of the terrified dog, people screaming in horror, his lover screaming his name, the paralyzing panic and in the end the same man trying to stop the inevitable. Jaejoong remembers now how Yunho tried to catch him being hit for the piece of railing in the process, he actually did it but due the force of the fall both of them fell hard against the ground. Jaejoong felt the impact in his head and at his last seconds before submerging in darkness he could see the other covered in blood already unconscious and tried to hold his hand.

 

It was an accident in fact, the scar of the other’s face, it happened because of the railing. He knew for sure that Yunho would never have jumped with him like his aunt told him but he really believed that he tried to kill himself once again and made the other do the same.

The screams of the argument on the lower level can still be heard.

 

 

“Do you really want me to tell him what you did to make money?!”

“I know perfectly that I’m not longer worthy of him… but I don’t regret what I did because we needed it. I was desperate and it was the only way!”

Jaejoong stops his way towards the living room and the conversation of a few hours ago with Jungkyun comes to his mind.

 

….................

 

 

"He was so disappointed of me that rejected me at any way every time I tried to be close to him... I remember that now..."

"I thought the same at first, that he was disappointed or tired or didn't love you the same anymore," Jungkyun heaved a sigh, "until I checked my call log... He had had made two calls that fateful night and..."

Jungkyun was uncertain to continue but Jaejoong encouraged him with his gaze.

"The first one to your aunt and the other one to Kichun..." he was tearing again, "life isn't supposed to be like this... it's so unfair..."

"Do you mean... did he..." unable to continue Jaejoong curled in his position sobbing while the meaning of that call sunk in his mind. He remembered their breakup and could understand why Yunho acted like he did back then.

Jaejoong himself asked for help to Kichun out of desperation. He knew very well what that second call meant and what Yunho had to do.

 

 

…...............

 

 

"He’s here for me," Jaejoong says interrupting the dispute between Yunho and his aunt and puts his bag on the floor. “He came here for me and I’m leaving with him, aunt Sunghye.”

“If you only knew how filthy he is.” Seunghye hisses with a livid expression, “You can't even-”

“Of course I can. I’m doing it now.” He stands besides Yunho and intertwines their fingers grateful that the other secures his grasp. “I know everything and I don’t care.”

“You should calm down and try to understand your aunt, she only-” his uncle tries to tell him touching Jae’s shoulder.

“You don’t say anything! Don’t dare to touch me!” Jaejoong snaps. “You had the nerve to take me to the place ‘you scattered his ashes from’ seeing me suffering because I blamed myself and now… I remember the accident now…” Jaejoong is crying, this time from anger. “I always thought you were watching over me all the time because you were being overprotective out of love for me,” he says sneering, “but now I can see that the only thing you wanted was that I don’t remember anything else than what were convenient for you… that’s why you wanted me to change Dr. Shim, right aunt? And your condition for letting me continue with the photography as my job… how lucky was Seunghoon… how lucky was your son for not having to live with all your selfishness…”

“Don’t say that… please don’t tell me that…” Seunghye slumps on the floor crying but her nephew can’t bring himself to be moved. “I love you my dear… I really loved you all my life like my own son…”

“Let’s go!” Jaejoong takes his luggage with his free hand and he makes Yunho follow him out of the place.

 

While they are walking across the long way to the lattice Yunho is still thinking about everything that just happened.

When they are out of the property and Jaejoong tries to get in the car, Yunho stops him. “What your aunt said before… she’s right I-”

“Kichun? I know about that and I really don’t care.”

“But I do…”

“Yunho,” Jaejoong says taking his face with his hands, “I’d have done the same… if not for my depression, I’d have done the same. For you, for me, for us... remember yo said that to me? It was only your body, your soul always belonged to me as well of all of me belongs to you. My body is yours, my soul is yours, nothing else matters…” He dries the involuntary tears from the other's cheeks with his thumbs.

“But I really can’t… I couldn’t protect you, I can’t…”

“I don’t need your protection. I don’t want a guardian… I want my lover back, Yunho. Be mine again and let me be yours… please, let me decide this time, let me have what is better for me.” Jaejoong kisses the scars of the other’s face, the one under his eye that he knows very well and the new one for him, the one that crosses Yunho’s face. “Is it true then? You don’t love me anymore?” he retreats his hands and turns around, dejected.

Two arms wrap themselves around Jaejoong’s torso from behind. “I love you… of course I love you, there is no way I could stop loving you even if I lived a thousand years… do you still love me?”

“I love you Yunho, even when I didn’t remember you,” he turns around breaking the embrace and puts Yunho’s hand on his heart, “I always feel you right here.”

They look each other lovingly and finally they kiss, with all the emotions of a long wait, with all the love that the gesture allows them sighing in relief.

Yunho lets out a moan of pain when Jaejoong puts too much pressure on his wounded lip and they decide to take a pause to recover their breath, smiling from utter happiness.

“The last time I had kissed you was the night before you wake up from the coma… I almost can’t believe I did it again…”

“Can I have my romantic reunion now?” asks Jaejoong, his arms still wrapped around Yunho’s neck. “There’s no rainbow but still –Forget the rainbow, it’s too cheesy– …”

“Do you want me to put some music?” Yunho says laughing teasingly.

“No need, I’ll be playing the song from Paris in my head.” He jumps and secures his arms and legs around his lover that looks at him amused holding him by his waist.

“Your aunt’s neighbors will freak out… your aunt will freak out.”

Jaejoong kisses him again trying to avoid the wound, “now they can freak out all they want.”

 

 

--------------------

 

And if you’re not going to come back…

Tell me why I will live?

I could try to change, but it wouldn’t be true.

 

--------------------

 

 

Once again everything seems so unreal; Yunho has to look at the passenger seat over and over again to make sure it’s not another dream.

“Stop doing that, we’ll have an accident.”

“Don’t say that…!”

“Baby, I’m kidding. But seriously, I’m not going anywhere.” After the lunch they had, Jaejoong called to his psychiatrist to make an appointment for the next day.

“Are you going to dye your hair brown again? I liked your hairstyle a lot back then.

“How do you know about that? I just tried it like for a week.”

“Don’t take me wrong but I’m your personal stalker. I even became friends with your hairstylist… I wanted so bad being close to you, watch over you so no one and nothing could hurt you again… sorry I guess I just was being creepy…”

“I could feel you near me somehow, you know? Someone waiting for me… I was waiting as well. Our wait is over, my love.

“Jungkyun will stay with uncle today, we’ll be alone, so we can talk.”

“Do you really want to just talk? bear!”Jaejoong laughs joyfully when the other wiggles his eyebrows. “Dr. Shim knows about us?”

“Changmin? No, he doesn’t know anything. He left before I saw you for the first time and well, I asked the guys don’t tell him about my huge crush on you. So, he doesn’t know, but I’ll tell him. Don’t you wanna be alone with me too, naughty bunny?”

Jaejoong laughs again and wiggles his eyebrows too. “Yuu is the friend who translated the song from Paris… he knows, right?”

“No, he thinks Jungkyun was my partner and after a breakup we ended being good friends. I told him I never confessed to you.”

“He didn’t believe you at all.”

“Why you say that?”

“Because every time I got into his car, he used to play that song. He said it was one of his favorites,” his expression darkens a little, “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize it… but it always made me feel strangely happy and I always dreamed with you those days, you didn’t have a face tough… I’ll kill Jungkyun, and then I’ll give him a bear hug and send him to a trip with his parents, somewhere near, maybe in a couple of years I could send them to a cruise.”

“His parents? I guess you haven’t remembered yet… the fire, the trial…” Yunho sighs sadly, “I’ll tell you everything someday.”

They remain silent until Yunho turns on the player to put the song, now they both sing it holding hands and smiling to the future.

 

 

----------o----------

 

[3 years later]

 

A night in Paris, once again he’s looking at the Seine River from the Pont Neuf, just above the port for the Vedetes where that special unnamed singer uses to make his street act. Memories from their last time there floods Jaejoong's mind.

 

Jaejoong remembers that last time together in Paris a little more than two years ago very well. They didn't get to meet with the singer but they could do the tour on the Vedettes.

The night is cold and Jaejoong takes his camera to capture the beauty of the nocturnal view. He hears a soft melody and paying more attention to the sound he realizes he's listening to the singer and he goes as closer as he can to listen better.

He chuckles bitterly, “are you the one being mad because I’m calling you ‘lady’ with a song now, Yunho?”

He listens to the song and ‘My Lady D'arbanville’ is already at the part that brings him the most painful memories now.

 

My Lady d'Arbanville, you look so cold tonight… Your lips feel like winter… Your skin has turned to white, your skin has turned to white

 

That night he received the call, he didn’t think it was something so serious, but when he arrived to the hospital he knew that Jungkyun had softened the news for him; once he was staring shocked to the doctors hurriedly applying his science to try to save a life; once he was feeling the chilling sensation in his guts get to his heart when the doctor came to say they did everything in his hand and that he was sorry… he understood that something awful had happened to them.

He didn’t listen to the full explanation the doctor was giving about a late Posttraumatic Seizure that the patient experienced while he was driving. The only thing that got through his head at the moment was that Yunho had a car accident for a seizure caused for an old traumatism he had due an old accident, he didn’t need to be told that it was the same accident that made him lost his memory.

He didn’t even realized how, but he was in front of that bed looking at the lifeless body. He could distantly hear someone sobbing and Changmin’s voice talking with people that wanted to stop him for sure.

Except for the bloody bandage around his head, he seemed to be just sleeping. Jaejoong took his hand and leaned his head on Yunho’s chest hoping everything not to be true but his heart was terrifying silent. He could still feel a faint trace of warmth in the chest but he knew it will leave soon the same as I left from his hand. He kissed his lips and the coldness on them reached Jaejoong’s soul. Then it hit him, Yunho was gone and he was laying there hugging his body and bawling his eyes out before fainting.

 

 

My Lady d'Arbanville, why does it grieve me so?... But your heart seems so silent… Why do you breathe so low, why do you breathe so low

I loved you my lady, though in your grave you lie… I'll always be with you… this rose will never die, this rose will never die…

 

 

Jaejoong realize his tears had been falling freely while listening to the song. It had been almost two years already but every time he enters their home he’s still expecting to see him waiting for him, even now, he knows that when he’s at his lying in bed in the hotel room, he’ll be waiting to feel his arms around his body turning him around to make him love. Later, one of them would stay awake seeing the other sleeping… but all of that is impossible now.

Jaejoong feels his phone vibrating. It’s his aunt again so he rejects the call. He can’t help blaming her for all his misfortunes, if only she had supported him, if only she had helped them, if only she hadn’t tried to keep them apart, if only she hadn’t stolen four years of their lives… but she is the target of all his hate now.

He receives a message from his uncle with a picture of his cousin’s son on it. He smiles, his cousin is a father of two now. After his aunt’s divorce he came to know that his uncle was the drunkard that offered a job for Yunho as a model. The man loved Jaejoong’s aunt so he did it secretly even when it didn’t work out at first, at the end it was thanks to him that Yunho and Jungkyun could live a decent life again.

His phone vibrates again, this time it’s a call from Siwon, then another one from Donghae and after another from Jungkyun. He knew it was a matter of time his friends find out about his lie. They have been taking good care of him almost not letting him alone at all; he learned why all of them were so precious for Yunho when each of them were watching over him and his bipolar disorder. He told them he was going to be at Paris with John and Marco that in fact, were in Italy by now. He lets the calls go to his voicemail.

He pays attention to the singer once again and he’s singing the same song that all those years ago helped him to recover his lost memories. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea being in Paris all by himself after all, unlike that time, he is certain that nobody is waiting for him, at least not in this world and that thought makes emerge the despair from the bottom of his heart.

 

 

“What am I going to do, Yunho?” he says crying again when he’s lying on his hotel bed. “I’m trying and trying and trying but I can’t keep going anymore, not without you… I’m not as strong as you thought… I’m so tired of fighting.” He curls his body clutching at his stomach, the pain there has returned and it’s worse because he hasn’t eaten well since he arrived there three days ago. He closes his eyes hoping sleep could take him away soon.

 

 

It feels so warm there. Is it another dream? He raises his eyes to look up the smiling face of his lover. If this is another dream, Jaejoong doesn’t want to wake up; still this one feels different to any other he had had. He can feel everything, even Yunho’s breathing caressing his cheek. He hugs the other’s body and kisses him with all his might. Were you waiting? he wants to ask but time stops when Yunho looks at him like all those years had never passed, as if they were still so young and naïve, a blond Jaejoong discovering love in the arms of his lover… and time doesn’t matter anymore, they are in a place away from the hurt of a world that treated them so unfairly and Jaejoong wants to stay.

“I’m always here, love, waiting for you.”

 

 

--------------------

And if you’re not going to come back…

I think I will find the secret of the life, the reason,

just to invent, someone exactly like you

 

--------------------

 

Et Si Tu N'Existais Pas (Spanish Version)- Joe Dassin 

 

If you want, you could read the original ending here:  Adagio