One...two...three...four...

I guess some people would say it’s weird. I can’t pretend I haven’t thought about it since the beginning, since that first stage where the lights were so hot on my face I was worried that the beads of sweat collecting all over me would ruin my makeup. Isn’t that funny? It’s like I knew from the beginning I was hiding behind a mask. So why didn’t I stop then?

The further I walk down this path, the steeper the hills I climb become and with each one, I can feel myself being revealed and I don’t know yet if I’m okay with that. I want to do my best, for my band-they are like brothers to me, for my fans, for my family and friends. But I feel so burdened, I don’t know if I’m succeeding anymore. 

I want to ask for help, to find out what I need to do next in order to keep true to myself, to not feel weighed down with the pressure of winning...but I don’t want to tell anyone that I’m struggling either. Suga of BTS? No. I have to be fine. You know that, right? I have to redo my makeup, I’ll apply more layers this time, that way it will last longer. That way, as I work hard, I can rest assured that no one found out how much I was losing myself. That way, I can rest assured that I haven’t made myself a burden. I am Suga of BTS and I don’t need your sympathy.

***

Five...six...seven...eight...

This feels all wrong. I’ve come so far but I want to give up everything now. What I would give for peace and quiet. What I would give up to be still for a lifetime... 

But I can’t give up now. My life choices aren’t for myself anymore. I must keep going for the people I inspire, for the people I give hope to, for the people who love me. I don’t want to be thought of as selfish if I decide to throw it all away. My actions don’t just affect me anymore. I am Suga of BTS. Continue to support me and I will prove that you made the right decision.

***

Four...three...two...one...

I sit in front of the mirror. I see reflections of many people but I am the only one here and I don’t even recognise myself anymore. When did I stop trying to resist it? I can’t keep going this way. If I try something else...is that okay? Would you mind? Maybe if I just start by removing one layer. But it’s so thick, will I ever be able to remove the stain of the mask I’ve worn for so long? I can’t do it alone, I really don’t think I can. Please, help me. I am not Suga, I am not Agust D. I need your help to reveal what I’ve hidden for so long. Please, give me words of encouragement. Please tell me that it’ll be okay and that you’ll love me no matter what. Please cover my ears when people start telling me they hate me and that I should’ve left myself as I was. 

I am me. I am Min Yoongi. I am ready to show you now.

Zero.