Jaebum feels empty.

 

He feels so much sadness, anger, despair, wants to destroy something, scream until he runs out of voice, wants to run away and shrink in a corner and cry until dry, but the pain and guilt have him numb.

 

All he can do is sit next to Youngjae on the mattress and look at him.

 

His heart rate is stable and he breathes rhythmically with the help of a machine. It seems as if he was asleep.

 

Except he’s not and he doesn’t know if he will come back.

 

His eyes burn when the tears pile up again and he no longer has enough strength to stop it, and lets them run freely down his cheeks as he feels his skin sting.

 

"Jae, baby," he says softly in just a whisper, some of the nurses say he can hear him but he knows they’re lying. Even so, he speaks to him tenderly, "Come back to me... come back. I don't want to be here, not without you... I don't want to..." His voice cracks and tears drain harder, he tries to repress it and it feels like he can’t breathe.

 

"I can't..." he whispers once he calms down again and his hair softly, "I love you."

 

The doctors have not given them much hope, they did what they could in the operating room - the hemorrhage resulted in a shock that left him in a coma from which he may no longer wake up. And if he does, he could develop some kind of neurological problem that they can’t foresee, much less avoid.

 

Everything that has to do with the brain is too imprecise and doctors don’t have an answer for his condition, nor a solution.

 

The only thing left to do is wait, see how it progresses, right now he’s stable and the diagnosis doesn’t seem so daunting, but there’s no guarantee of anything.

 

And Jaebum is going to wait whatever it takes for Youngjae to find his way back, he wants to convince himself that it won't take long, but it doesn’t matter how long actually, he will wait.

 

"Don't leave me," he asks in a pitiful whisper as tears keep moistening his cheeks. He has cried so much that he feels he’s going to go dry at any moment now.

 

The sliding door of the room opens just then, letting in a worried Jinyoung who looks at him with something like compassion in his eyes - Jaebum hates him a little bit.

 

"Hey..."

 

Jaebum turns away and rushes to wipe his tears furiously and then looks at him, trying to form a smile on his face that is nothing but an unconvincing grimace.

 

"How... how are you?" Jinyoung doubts, already knowing the answer to a question that seems silly.

 

"Good," Jaebum shrugs, "Fine... I’m..."

 

"Did you sleep here again?" He asks another thing he already knows the answer to, there’s a sheet on the couch and a change of clothes on a small table. He has slept in the hospital since the baby was born.

 

"Yes."

 

"You have to go home," Jinyoung tries to be as soft as possible, "Rest better, clear your mind."

 

Jaebum sighs, "No, I... I want to be here when he wakes up, you know? Besides, I can take showers here so it's fine."

 

Jinyoung wants to tell him something else about that, but no matter how much he tries to tell him, he knows that his friend won't listen. He has to be there.

 

He decides then to change the topic, "I just saw Youngjae's parents."

 

"They were here a while ago," Jaebum nods and takes Youngjae's hand in his.

 

Jinyoung makes a face, his friend is absent, he looks like he’s not listening to them and hardly answers. He understands, it's been just a couple of days, but it's like losing his two best friends at once.

 

"They want to talk to you, you know? They say that every time they enter the room you leave, as if trying to avoid them."

 

"I'm not avoiding them," Jaebum says playing down, but the obvious false tone betrays him, "They want to be with Youngjae for a while alone, I don't want to break in."

 

"They also want to see you, they’re worried about you. You can rely on them now, they understand you more than anybody, why don't you talk to them?"

 

Jaebum has his eyes fixed on Youngjae's sleeping face, as if he was afraid to turn away and miss the moment he opens his eyes. He takes his time to respond, but in the end he finds no strength to lie to his friend.

 

"I can't even see them, Jinyoungie," he says finally, looking at him briefly, "I feel really bad. Look what I did to their son. Because of me he is... how can I see them in the eyes like that?" His voice cuts off and he uses what little he has left to not cry in front of him.

 

"This is not your fault." Jinyoung replies bluntly, he had no idea that Jaebum's mind has gone so far as to torture himself like that.

 

Jaebum nods, "If I had never suggested we live together and never..."

 

"Don't do this to yourself, hyung." The other replies somehow shocked, he has really gone too far to find a way to blame himself for what happened, "You know that has nothing to do with this and Youngjae's parents would never blame you."

 

"They should."

 

Jinyoung shakes his head. Again he wants to add something else, but there’s no point trying to convince him that it’s not his fault because he knows him, Jaebum’s not going to believe him and until he begins to heal he’ll stop seeing things that way. He just wish Jaebum doesn’t fight this on his own.

 

"I thought they were gone." Jaebum says as if he knew that his friend is trying to find words but right now he doesn't want to hear it, preferring to talk about something else.

 

Jinyoung seems confused for a few seconds, until he links one thing and the other, "They are upstairs, with the baby."

 

Jaebum nods but he suddenly looks awkward. The change is slight, barely noticeable but Jinyoung feels it, at the mention of the baby, Jaebum gets unusually tense.

 

"I just saw him too," he says watching his friend's reactions closely, "He's so pretty and really funny."

 

Jaebum raises an eyebrow for a second, enough for Jinyoung to notice it, "Oh, is he?"

 

Jinyoung frowns, in his mind his friend should be showing off how precious his son is, not asking him that as if he didn't care.

 

Anyway, he follows the conversation normally, "He’ll be discharged in a few days so you can take him home. You have everything ready, right?"

 

"Yeah, something like that," the other presses his lips in a thin line and this time it’s too obvious that something is going on.

 

"Jaebum, is there a problem?"

 

A small, awkward pause floods the room and Jaebum directs his gaze to him finally, "I've been thinking."

 

"And?"

 

"And maybe it's best to give him up for adoption."

 

"What?!" Of all the things that may be going wrong, this is the most unexpected one.

 

"I can't do this without him, Jinyoung..." Jaebum speaks in a whisper, as if justifying himself, trying to make Jinyoung understand and get him on his side, to tell him he’s doing right, "It wasn't supposed to happen like this and he baby... I can't, not without Youngjae."

 

And his friend really understands him, in addition to everything, now he has a baby to take care of, he would also be afraid of being in his place but he knows Jaebum, he knows that there’s something else he’s not telling him and he’s quick to deduce it.

 

"You blame him, right?" Jaebum tenses immediately and Jinyoung knows he hit the spot, "Because of what happened to Youngjae."

 

Jaebum is slow to answer, he’s doubting it, and relatively doesn’t deny it, "Jinyoung, please. He's just a baby."

 

"I think you do."

 

"I don’t blame him." Maybe he does, maybe deep down he thinks it was the baby who did this to Youngjae. He has to blame someone else than himself.

 

"How many times have you gone upstairs to see him?"

 

Jaebum shrugs, not in the mood for Jinyoung's scolding, "A couple of times."

 

Any. He doesn't want to see him.

 

"Liar." As expected, Jinyoung can read him as an open book, "You haven't even seen him since he was born, for sure! He's still your son, hyung."

 

"Youngjae needs me more for now, the baby is fine." He says emphasizing the word a bit angry, as if regretting the fact that he’s fine and Youngjae is not. Jinyoung understands it now and sighs heavily.

 

"Even if you're stuck to the bed, there's nothing you can do for Youngjae except wait. Your baby is awake, alone and needs you with him."

 

"Our parents are with him, he’s not alone."

 

"But…"

 

"Enough, Jinyoung!" Jaebum raises his voice slightly, he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think about anything other than Youngjae, because it's the only thing that matters to him. "Stop it. I have to be with Youngjae now."

 

He looks back at Youngjae and turns his back completely, indicating that the conversation is over.

 

Jinyoung shakes his head, and sighs sadly. He wants to help him, but he doesn't know how.

 

*       *        *        *

 

 

It has been 3 weeks and there have been no changes in Youngjae's status. It’s the expected, but Jaebum feels a little disappointed that he hasn't woken up yet.

 

But every minute that passes becomes worse, the possibility of Youngjae coming back is reduced and hope evaporates. The longer he stays like this, the less likely he’s to wake up and Jaebum is desperate.

 

Youngjae is stable, it's the only thing doctors can tell them for sure.

 

Jaebum tries not to collapse again, or more than he already is, he tries to talk to people and leave the hospital from time to time, even if it's just to buy food and pick up clothes, he feels like he wants to be strong for him. He thinks that Youngjae is there, somewhere and is struggling to come back and Jaebum wants to fight along with him, he would wait 10 years if necessary.

 

And he appreciates that Youngjae's parents have helped him arrange everything with the hospital so he can stay despite not being a direct family member. At first he felt bad, he has no right to anything despite the relationship they had for years but after that, that problem gives him a new motivation, when Youngjae wakes up, he’ll marry him.

 

No one is going to tell him again that they’re not related.

 

Meanwhile, he waits. Because it’s the only thing he can do.

 

He has been told to go home, to go back to work and take some time to himself, but none of them understand. They don't know what it is to have everything and in a second, run out of nothing.

 

Jaebum needs to be there with him, it’s for the only thing that he finds enough strength and the day he returns to his apartment, it’ll be the day he can go with Youngjae. If not, it wouldn’t matter. He won’t go back to an empty house where everything reminds him of him when in fact he can be with him, even though a weird chasm separates them.

 

"Here I love you and in vain the horizon hides you. I am still loving you among these cold things. Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy ships, which run by the sea to where they don't reach."

 

Jaebum gently reads the line of a poems book he has been reading. Poetry, they say, brings physical benefits, stimulates and activates some parts of the brain to process the verses, thanks to the type of complex language used. It also helps clarify feelings, something Jaebum surely needs.

 

But he doesn't know if Youngjae can really hear it. Maybe not, a doctor told him one day that he saw him reading, that those patients can't hear. Another told him it was good to talk to him. He doesn't really know, but he doesn't care what doctors say, he’s decided to think he can.

 

And he reads him every day, poetry and some short stories, he sings his favorite songs, and still unfinished songs composed by Jaebum himself and tells him about anything and nothing. Youngjae, as an artist, had always believed that art saves lives, Jaebum wants to believe that he'll find his way faster like this.

 

"I already see myself forgotten as these old anchors. The docks are sadder when the afternoon comes alongside. My life grows tired, uselessly hungry. I love what I don't have. You are so distant.

My weariness struggles with the slow twilights. But the night comes and begins to sing me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.

Looking at me with your eyes, the biggest stars. And like I love you, the pines in the wind, want to sing your name with their wire blades."

 

He finishes the poem and closes the book, sighing. He looks at Youngjae carefully but there’s no change, he doesn’t know why he expects something different, some signal that he’s coming, he can’t see anything and his heart sinks a little more.

 

"I miss you," he whispers, although there’s no one nearby who can listen and stares at him for what it looks like to be centuries, until someone enters the room and interrupts his trance. It can’t be other than Jinyoung, he has gone to the hospital at the same time for the lasts few days.

 

"I brought food!" He announces with a happy, improper voice of him, he’s behaving more optimistic and lively than usual, it was weird at first but in the end Jaebum appreciates the effort his best friend makes to encourage him - not that it works at all, anyways.

 

"I already ate," replies the other standing up from the edge of the bed, if he keeps doing that, he’ll end up sinking the mattress on that precise spot.

 

"How long ago?" Jinyoung rolls his eyes and puts the food on a small table, he knows that Jaebum hardy has a coffee for breakfast and thinks he’ll live with that, "Just eat and thank me."

 

"Thank you, Jinyoung," Jaebum snorts, "I'll eat later."

 

"When are you going to go back to your apartment?" Jinyoung suddenly spats, he would usually talk non-stop in an attempt to distract him before going to the scolding, but this time it seems he’s determined to call him upon things from early on, Jaebum isn’t in the mood to hear him.

 

He shrugs, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes in an exasperated expression, “Do you think you can live here or what? Jaebum, and what about your job?”

 

"I have some time off, okay?" Jaebum can't remember how many times he has told Jinyoung that he doesn't need to get back to work right away, the manager understands what happened and gave him time to put everything in order. There’s nothing in order, of course, but it doesn't matter. "I'm going to stay here, whatever it takes."

 

"And what about Yejun?"

 

"What about him?" The older makes a face at hearing the name he and Youngjae had chosen in advance for the baby, he’s named like that now but he’s not sure that the name will stay once he goes with his adoptive family.

 

Well, that’s what he says to himself in his mind, because in reality, he hasn’t done any paperwork for the adoption, he has neither time nor want to take care of the child when he has to take care of Youngjae.

 

"God, do you even care?" Jinyoung says between surprised and annoyed, it's amazing that Jaebum doesn't worry not even a little bit about his son's well-being or that’s what it looks like. He doesn't know what's so wrong with that baby that Jaebum is so mistrustful of.

 

"Of course I do."

 

"Yeah, right. At least do you know where is he now?"

 

"Over the maternity wing." Jaebum answers confidently but Jinyoung laughs dryly.

 

"He's with Youngjae’s parents."

 

"Are they here?" The older is somewhat surprised that Mr. and Mrs. Choi didn’t go to see Youngjae first, if they were in the hospital.

 

"Jaebum, the baby was already discharged, he's home!" Jinyoung screams angrily and Jaebum bites his lip a little guilty, he has no idea how or where the baby really is, he doesn't know anything about him - he doesn’t even knows him.

 

He knows he's in the wrong, he knows that he has to worry about him more now that he's been born but he can't, he can't dedicate his time to someone else when Youngjae is in a bed for that someone, it wouldn't be fair.

 

"Oh. He’ll be fine with them."

 

Jinyoung sighs in exasperation, because if he tried to understand him before, he can't anymore. He doesn’t understand how he behaves so indifferent towards his own son, when while Youngjae was pregnant he looked so forward to it. He’s only hurting himself and hurting someone innocent on the way.

 

"You are amazing, really. How can you do that? Are you really going to abandon him to his fate just like that?"

 

"I’m not! I just said he'll be better with Youngjae's parents or mine than with me. Don't you get it, Jinyoung? How am I supposed to take care of him when I need to be here?!"

 

Jinyoung massages his nose bridge and breathes deeply before answering, more calmly this time, "God, hyung! Loving your son doesn’t mean that you’ll love Youngjae less, nor for caring for one, you have to neglect the other. Youngjae is going to..."

 

"Don't say he's going to be fine!" Jaebum cuts him angrily, stopping himself from shouting, "You don't know it."

 

"Yes!" The other one says loudly but also tries not to shout, "Youngjae will be fine! One day he’ll wake up and he’ll be happy for the way you have taken care of his baby, and very proud too! Or do you think he would prefer you to stay here without even knowing where your son is?"

 

Jaebum is silent, deep down he knows that Jinyoung is right, like most of the time. Youngjae would definitely ask him to put the baby as a priority and if he himself was the one in bed he's sure that he would ask Youngjae to worry about the baby first. It just that he can't.

 

After a few good minutes in silence, Jinyoung talks to him again, much calmer, like the usual Jinyoung.

 

"Mark hyung is outside... can he come in?" He asks, pointing to the door, Jaebum nods, looking away to the wall on the opposite side of the room. He has a horrible feeling in the pit of his guts and he doesn’t think the sensation is going away soon.

 

When Mark comes in, Jaebum turns to them and frowns when he sees him carrying a small, weeping bulge between his arms, Mark smiles.

 

"Look, I have someone who wants to meet you."

 

Jaebum sighs heavily and shakes his head, "Why did you bring him here?"

 

“He needs you, Jaebum. Not anyone else’s parents, you, his dad.” Mark says softly, evidencing that he heard at least part of the conversation but it doesn't matter anymore, Jaebum's heart starts beating hard and fast for some unknown reason and it’s as if two magnets were throwing him at opposite sides. One side pulls him towards the baby and the other, wants to force him to look the other way.

 

Mark decides for him and approaches, the baby is awake and moves his little arms, he’s crying quietly and Jaebum is terrified.

 

"Take him. Yejunie, say hi to your dad," The older one says putting him in his arms, with no option to cower away and Jaebum hugs him for the very first time, his chest hurts, he feels that he’ll explode at any second, but he doesn't think it's a bad thing.

 

The baby suits comfortably in his arms and slowly, stops crying. He’s so small and seems so fragile, Jaebum touches him carefully, he’s so afraid to break him. He’s so soft and so pretty, he looks at him with small, beautiful eyes. One of his plump little hands wraps his finger and it feels a slight pressure, barely noticeable, but it’s there and then he explodes.

 

He smiles softly and thinks the baby smiles back before closing his eyes. He looks so much like Youngjae, and it's as if something clicked inside. Yejun is something that he has left of him. He has a part of Youngjae and himself in his arms, the best thing they have done together and it’s perfect.

 

"He’s beautiful," he says as his voice cracks, and his two friends nod, they’re smiling because witnessing how Jaebum falls in love in a second of his baby is precious.

 

Tears of everything that Jaebum has stored inside him run down his cheeks and he no longer knows what he’s feeling. He’s happy, the baby has just turned him around and feels guilty, for not having been there since day one. He’s very sad for Youngjae, and so disappointed in himself. He’s a mess.

 

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the baby as he looks at him with adoration, "I’m so sorry, I'm not going to leave you alone again, never."

 

And then he looks at Youngjae, with the same love he has always had for him.

 

He realizes that Jinyoung was right once again, although he will never admit it in front of him - it's not about sharing or dividing the love he had between two, it's about adding and making it bigger, so much that he doesn't know if it will fit in his chest.

 

"Thank you," then he looks at his friends, who smile at him and with his son in his arms he smiles back, a genuine one this time.

 

And though he still doesn’t process everything he’s feeling, he’s pretty sure of one single thing, that baby has just become his entire life.

 

---

 

A short update. This chap was actually going to be longer but meeh, I didn't want to wait, aaaand yeah, this is growing longer and I don't know what to do with my life, lol

Oh btw, the poem Jaebum's reading it exists (like if it's even possible for me to write something like that), and it's called "Aquí te amo" by Pablo Neruda. In case some of you want to read it fully. 

Aaaaand, I dunno I was going to say something else but I don't remember. Oh! And Jinyoung keeps saving the day :v

 

So, see yah next time guys! 

 

Let me know what you think! ;)