if only i could turn time back
like a movie, i'd go back to the beginning when you were next to me
as if this was all just a painful dream

Junmyeon had finally realised the damage he had done to Jongdae.

After a period of time that he had been receiving punches and been called out as a jerk or a 'ing ' by the married youngest, he soon realised that he wasn't on his own mind and that he is still delusional at that time. What can he do, the things he had told to his ex was enough to give him no reason to say forgive him, and that he acted like an to him?

He sighed, tired.

He saw him once on his work place, and noticed there were many changes in him; his permed hair was transformed into a straight, tangerine one, and there was a huge smile on his face. He used to see him smile, it even became a reason why he fell in love with him, but this smile was different... it wasn't the smile he used to show to him everyday. It was like he found someone else...

And Junmyeon's tongue felt a bitter taste on its tip. God, he hoped not.

After a while of self-questioning, he tried his best to ask Jongdae's bestfriend about him. And unfortunately, it wasn't good from what he had expected.

'Please don't ruin Jongdae's happiness now, Junmyeon.' He begged, his eyes pleading him one time they met up. Junmyeon was confused. 'Why would I? I just wanted to get him back, Baekhyun. After all, I know that I am his happiness.'

The blond looked at him in disbelief. 'His happiness? You? Look who's talking after all the things you've done to him.'

'I know I'm a jerk, bu—' Baekhyun threw him a glare as he cut him off. 'Don't you dare come back to his life now. He had found someone already. Someone better than you.'

He stared at him in disbelief. 'He... has a new boyfriend already? You are lying, aren't you?'

He furrowed his eyebrows at him. 'What makes you think I am lying, huh?'

'You're his bestfriend, of course.' He replied with a smirk before leaning back. 'You would do this to protect him.'

'I would, but Jongdae's happy with someone else now. He had moved on from you.' Junmyeon's eyes began to water upon hearing those words. He wanted to say another word, but he seamed his lips. 'Please, Junmyeon. Don't be a . Move on now.'

Despite Baekhyun's warnings and curses at him, Junmyeon was still stubborn. He had wondered for so many times—he had wanted him back no matter what. His mind was filled with him and his regrets of him letting him go, eyes teary everytime he recalls how broken Jongdae had looked as he spat out ugly words to him, making him guiltier even more.

'Junmyeon.' That was the only thing that made him snapped out of reality, and it made him open his eyes wide. He looked up and saw his therapist; a man, a bit younger than him, Chinese and insisted to be called Yixing instead of Dr. Zhang. He had an innocent look, and it made him laugh a bit; it was like he was talking to a kid.

But this is what Chanyeol had suggested the moment he saw him sitting in the middle of his chaotic room with grim tears pitifully flowing from his depressed face after three weeks; he wanted him to go on therapy and recommended this 'therapist' who looks like a joke. He laughed sarcastically. 'Are you serious about this?'

'What do you mean?' asked Yixing in a confused tone, with Junmyeon unaware that this man was more different from what he had seen. Junmyeon pinched the bridge of his nose, and laughed again, his throat growing from what he calls as 'bull'. 'Show me the real therapist. Man, I really need to take a break from jokes.'

'But I am one.' He pointed at the certificate hanging on the wall, enclosed in a frame.

'Then why are you—' He looked at him from head to toe, carefully observing the black and white Converse, ripped jeans and the grey hoodie. '—dressed like a teenager?'

'That's because most of my patients are teenagers and that I have to relate to them,' He explained, the earring on his left ear dangling. 'And I have to contrast what I look from my other work, too.'

'Oh, you got another work, too?' He cocked him an eyebrow. 'That seems cool.'

'This isn't the first time I've encountered a case like yours,' He narrowed his eyes at him as he crossed his legs and placed his grey clipboard over it. 'But you seemed kind of...erratic.'

Junmyeon gave no answer. He stared at him one more time, but there was no answer. He continued. 'So you're here because of a love problem that connecting to the depression and insomnia you've been experiencing now, am I right?'

He nodded. 'Why don't you tell me something about it?'

He hesitated at his first word. It was kind of embarrassing, he had thought, to share the desire of getting back his ex-boyfriend whom he pushed away and had been treating like a jerk to. But the depression was seeping up to his bones, his lack of sleep obvious from the way his eyes would slowly close and how the color of his eyelids were far different from his skin color. He his chapped lips, and sighed. 'It's my fault.'

'Ah,' He looked at him flipping clipped pages of the clipboard; white, slender fingers grasping the thin sheets slowly. 'According to your friends, you broke up with your boyfriend on a wedding night because you don't want him anymore.'

'I was basically tired.' He replied, his eyes moving down on the brown wood flooring with his hands playing against each other, friction slowly building heat up. 'And I was not on my right mind when it all happened.'

'In what way were you not on your right mind?' He asked, voice calm that amused him. He bit his bottom lip. 'There were different things happening in my life, and I can't keep up to him; there were plays and offers that were given to me, making it harder to reach it to him. And....'

'And?'

'It seemed like I was overwhelmed and blinded by these things that I believed that I....' His eyes were looking around in a quick manner. 'That I thought I fell out of love.'

Yixing nodded; his right hand busy scribbling notes into the papers of the clipboard. There was silence between them; he noticed how tensed Junmyeon's body was after he spoke those words, and how he had furiously rubbed his skin all together that it had the reddish tint on the tips of his fingers. 'So you wanted to get him back, right?'

He nodded.

'Junmyeon,' He started, the way his name rolled off from his tongue had gave him a calming stimulation, as if he was high with a drug that calmed him down, and stared at him sheepishly. 'Always remember that love is just an illusion that will trap you from reality.'

He scoffed. 'You're romanticising my problem, aren't you?'

He shook his head. 'I am not.'

'Then why do you think it's an illusion with a trap?'

'It's because people get blinded because of love,' He replied, locking gaze of the older man. 'But for you Junmyeon, it was the opposite. You had fooled yourself because you let yourself be inside the pressure of life.'

'Maybe my guiltiness made me sleepless for days, you think so?' He asked him, anticipating for an answer. Yixing slowly observed him, his legs get untangled after a few moments being crossed. 'You're trying to change the topic, Mr. Kim.'

'But I'm asking you a question.'

'I know, but do you realise that because of that guilt, you are trying to place back the love that was lost?' He had this calm demeanor and Junmyeon could not help but to seam his lips again. 'You aren't being sorry about what you did, Junmyeon. You are just excusing yourself.'

Junmyeon lowered his eyes from the therapist's ones that were boring holes. Sure, he did underestimated his ability through his appearance, but what he was spewing in front of him was just for him to understand what's going on. 'So what medication do you prescribe me?'

'Nothing.'

His eyes widened in disbelief. 'Are you serious about this, Yixing?'

His therapist gave a stern look as he placed the clipboard on the table, with the clicking of the pen, before he crossed his arms. 'No medication. You have to know yourself even more, because you are someone who doesn't tend to understand himself; just a complex human being.'

'But in what way are you implying?' He was pressing some questions that made the therapist inhale sharply and made him sit with his shoulders tensed. 'I suggest taking a vacation. Junmyeon, you have to be away from what causing you pain.'

'You meant.... I should get away from the person I love?'

'If that's what it takes to stop you from the delusion,' He paused before nodding. 'Yes.'

Junmyeon stood up, his feet feeling heavy after listening to his words. His chapped lips twitched at bit as he rearranged his glasses, and had started to walk away. He only stopped when Yixing called out his name, and turned around with eyebrows furrowed. 'What?'

'There's one thing I have to say before I let you go.' He spoke, his fingers intertwined in front of his face. He noticed that his eyes were narrowed as if he was eyeing him.

Junmyeon gave no answer, however, when he fully turned his body around, he then started talking.

'You should always think before doing anything. From what I have observed, you are an impulsive person. Think very carefully, because the consequences of the things you've done without thought will ruin your entire life.'

He spoke no more as he went outside the door, completely remembering what the therapist had said. However, in times like this, he doesn't even know where to start.

Days rolled by, Kim Junmyeon's thoughts were trailing off in his mind like a maze. He was distraught, for so many nights he would sit up in his bed and stare in nothingness in the night.

Not until he found himself in front fo Jongdae's apartment with Baekhyun in the call line.

'Junmyeon, Junmyeon!' He blinked his eyes as soon as he heard his voice. He looked around; it was already morning but there were a few people walking around, realising he had walked here in a weekend. 'Hey, are you listening to me?'

'Oh, I want to get him back now.' He replied, eyes dead at the grey cement outside, with few fallen leaves decorating it. 'I wanted to see him... and to talk to him.'

'Junmyeon. Don't.' The stern voice of Baekhyun sent shivers down to his spine, making his lip twitch. He doesn't care, all he wanted was to bring him back to him, to bring back the things they've shared together, to put the things back the way it was before.

The consequences you've done without thought will ruin your entire life.

He scoffed remembering what the therapist had said, he doesn't care now.

'I don't care anymore.'

'Listen, Junmyeon.' He heard him sigh. 'I get that you wanted to get him back in your life, but he has someone else, he has Min—'

'I don't care if he has another person in his life, I will fight for it.'

'A smart kid, aren't you? Give him some peace, dammit!'

Like how a butterfly would cause a storm, him appearing back to his life would cause a greater disaster no one expected.

Cause there's always time for second guesses, I don't wanna know
If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go

They were really strong. He could not believe it.

Jongdae had thought the first thing ever since he held the kitten plushy on his hands. The blue color of its eyes that were contrasting its black fur were reminding him of how Minseok's eyes twinkle the night before when they went to Lotte World with Sehun and his girlfriend. The three of them were surprised when they had met and had tried to pretend that they didn't know each other by the friendly smiles and gestures, at the same time were staring at each other which Mr. Baby-face had noticed as weird, but had brushed off completely.

He sighed, satisfied. He was really happy.

At times when they would meet, they would end up at parks, the music store and sometimes he would take him to different coffee shops around. For someone, it would be boring to go to the same place all over again and again, but never once did he felt boredom, it was like everything about Minseok was amusing him up to the extent in noticing the tiny details and his movements. 

There are times at night when tension started to grow ual, they would look in each other's eyes; without words coming out of their mouth they heard consent, in their eyes they said yes and crashed their lips together. He was enchanted on how Minseok would ride on him, his swollen lips forming words of pleasure and face flustered in ecstasy. In nights full of passion and unquestionable desire, they made love.

But out of the sweetest of things that gave them butterflies, there were times they could not understand each other and be in a heated argument. There were times Minseok's problems in controlling his anger would break out—he was calm. It was frustration, he had noticed, and that the instant but sincere apologies had soften his heart, making him love the man with cat-like eyes no more than he should.

He giggled remembering how Minseok tried to fight the fact that he was defending his wrong answer in guessing the octave of the music of the Ferris wheel; the curls on his lips perking up with joy. But as soon as the door opened with an unexpected guest, his smile dropped.

It was him, to say at least. 'What are you doing here, Junmyeon?'

He quickly noticed how he didn't look like the usual; tensed shoulders where his tan trenchcoat had clung loosely into it, droopy eyes that lacked a few days of good sleep and his lips chapped, faded and twitching. His hair was a ing mess, and he looked so even more different when he wore glasses.

He did not answer, but Jongdae had noticed how his hand that held his phone had suddenly shaken, there was anxiety in it. The silence was starting to build tension and it made him sigh, because he knew the purpose why he was here and was starting to get tired of it. 'I know why you're here. Please get out, Junmyeon.'

His irises were starting to shake. 'Jongdae, please—'

'Baekhyun told me that you want me back.' He narrowed his eyes at him, jaw clenching. He placed down the stuffed toy on the counter of his kitchen. 'We're already over, Junmyeon. I have someone else already.'

'T-that's... That's a lie!' To his surprise, he rushed to him, hands touching his face in a trembling pace. 'You...you're lying, aren't you?'

Jongdae looked at him with pure fear on his eyes. He tried to take a step back away from him, eyes trying to find a way to escape from him. His pitiful face was making him taste bitterness on the tip of his tongue. But to his surprise, he was pushed down by the elder on the floor. His body laid on the cold floor, pressed against Junmyeon's, whose hand was caressing his face with trembling fingers. He was getting angrier in every second. He has to know. He knew he had to stop.

There was nothing he could do but to shout. 'Junmyeon, please! I am in a relationship right now. His name is Minseok!'

And with that, Junmyeon froze in his place.

'Minseok-sunbae!' Mr. Baby-face saw a blond boy running towards him as he was waiting on a bus stop to go to Jongdae's apartment, catching his breaths while drench in sweat. He looked at his face and recognised him; he was Jongdae's bestfriend. 'Good morning, Baekhyun. What brings you here?'

There was extreme worry on his face. 'Jongdae's in big trouble!'

He looked at him with a confused look. 'What.. do you mean?'

'His ex called me a while ago and told him that he's going to get him back.' He said in between panting breaths. 'From what I heard, he was on therapy and not in his right mind. Please, sunbae. I don't know what he's going to do to him.'

Without replying or looking back, he immediately hailed a taxi, leaving a worried Baekhyun behind. His heart was beating fast; Jongdae had mentioned the last time that he had someone before him who left him because he 'fell out of love in a different circumstance' and 'he said their relationship was a nuisance to his life.'. He could not keep himself in place, fidgeting as he looked outside the tinted windows of the vehicle. As soon as he arrived, he ran, almost forgetting the fact that he was carrying something with him, and opened the door to his horror.

Jongdae, with a horrified face, lying on the floor, while atop him was his childhood bestfriend, Junmyeon, who was caressing his face softly.

Hysteria is the exaggerated feeling someone feels on a group of people, and that's how he literally feels seeing them doing him complete betrayal.

The two froze and locked their eyes at him, surprised. Minseok stood, frozen at the scene in front of him. His lips twitched at the sight of them, and that unpleasant sight ignited the tingling feeling of madness inside him. 'Jun...myeon?'

His eyes widened. He...he couldn't believe it.

'Hyung,' He can see him walk towards him, his eyes pleading cries. 'Let me explain...'

He was confused. He was lost. The feeling of sense was starting lose in him, as if it was an anesthetic making him numb. His narrowed eyes were looking at them, and Jongdae knew the worst is yet to happen.

' you.' He grabbed him. ' you!'

A punch was sent to Junmyeon's face, making him lost his balance. He kneeled helplessly as he took in a few punches, hard and bone cracking, and kicks that were inducing pain on him. He waited to receive more, but in his blurry eyesight he saw a person running toward him.

'Minseok! Stop it!' It was the timid Jongdae trying to stop from him. Minseok stopped, but the expression on his face changed. His eyes widened.

This Minseok isn't good.

To Jongdae's surprise, the elder stopped, and turned to him with a look that sent shivers to his spine. 'M-minseok.'

He went near, but the monstrous aura that was inside him made Jongdae step back. His breath hitched as looked at him in the eye; Minseok's eyes had rage, an uncalming wrath that could kill someone. But he gazed at him, lips seaming, trying to give a little bit of courage. 'Minseok. Don't.'

To the both of their surprise, Minseok pounced on him before punching him on the stomach. The pained expression on Jongdae's face made Junmyeon want to save him, but his pained body was slowing him down.

Jongdae's body was nothing like a piece of plastic doll to Minseok. He toyed it with pain, punching him with vigorous strength, and kicked him in different parts of the body, making him lay almost lifeless on the floor. The elder was looking at him with such anger, he was blind to realise it was someone whom he loved he had been hurting. Covered in bruises, Jongdae pleaded again as he lay between his legs, his lover glaring atop of him. 'Minseok. Please, stop it.'

His eyes widened as his hand reached something on the counter. His whole body trembled as he saw the glistening metal on his hand, sparkling the same degree of danger in his eyes.

'You... you won't do this to me, will you?'

'I won't.' He chuckled while twirling the knife between his hands. 'But to pay back from what you've hidden from me, I will.'

Let's be serious about this. I get angry easily.

That was the first thing that appeared in his mind as the cold surface of the metal had struck his skin. Jongdae's mind went blank as he screamed, full in pain that had hit to his bones. Blood was starting to taste in his mouth as he looked at him with widened eyes, pain filling up in his body. All he could do was to mutter his inaudible pleas to stop, helplessly laying as the knife was repeatedly struck into his chest.

Junmyeon on the other hand, was horrified. He wanted to puke at the sight of Jongdae lying with cries coming out from his mouth, knife stabbing repeatedly on his chest while his murderer of a boyfriend was striking him aggressively, blood spilling on his snow-white cheeks and cat-like eyes.

He isn't at fault. He remembered. He isn't at fault.

But to his limp body, there was nothing he could do.

His eyes scanned around the room that was filled with horrified screams, and found something that would try to stop him. The bottle of hydrochloric acid was sitting outside the comfort room, a few meters away from the scene. He winced in pain as he tried to reach it; his hand was holding his side that was broken. Maybe a little can help, just to save him.

With the opened bottle on his hand, he ran to him sluggishly and spilled the acid in front of his face. He soon realised he had also dumped some on his own body when there was an agonizing pain on his chest, and was quickly pushed with great strength by Minseok, who was screaming in pain.

The last thing he had seen before he bumped his head on the edge of the counter was the knife stuck on poor Jongdae's face.

 i hate myself for living on after losing you
i'm frozen in the same place even after time passes
happy moments stopped me like a photo

'I am not at fault.' was the first thing he had said after being discharged from the hospital. Dr. Zhang looked up from the newspaper he had been trying to read, the case of Jongdae was written in huge letters on the headlines. He sighed, looking at his patient talk blankly while his eyes were glued on the maroon carpeted floor, with his body helplessly sitting on the cushioned chair, and crossed his legs. 'You are.'

'How so?'

'You're quite an idiot,' He commented as he placed down the huge grey paper on the table beside him. He then intertwined his fingers as he gazed at him, fully evading his stare. 'Keeping secrets from your childhood bestfriend is considered dishonesty.'

'But it was Jongdae's fault,' He clenched his hand and slammed his fist on the arm of the chair, his veins popping out. 'He didn't tell him to clear this up.'

'From what I know, Jongdae doesn't even know you and Minseok knew each other very much.' He replied, forcing a blank face in order to avoid himself in raising a questionable eyebrow at him. 'In contrary, you're the one who's the idiot. You're quite dumb in the first place, going to him to clear things up without thinking back in your crackhead.'

'Ah, you're acting like a mother now,' He whined, pinching the bridge of his nose before leaning back. Yixing on the other hand shook his head. 'If only you'll stop whining like a baby.'

He looked at him, unbelievable. 'Is this how you're treating your patient? Are therapists supposed to treat us calmly?'

'In your case,' He scratched his head. 'You're one case of a big crackhead.'

'How so?'

'You're one hasty decision maker,' He commented. 'You triggered Minseok's button, and since he had thought Jongdae was trying to play with the both of you, he released his anger on him instead of you.'

He sealed his lips. 'That's because you're his bestfriend.'

Junmyeon looked down and said nothing, tears almost forming in his eyes. Yixing on the other hand, could not help but to look at him with pity; a man like him was distraught and confused that he made the worst decision in his life.

Months passed; he took care of Minseok with the help of the three, who were reassuring him that he was not at fault (which was a lie) and had tried his best not to break down and ask forgiveness to the blind who was unaware.

Junmyeon is a one big jerk, after all.

On the day the elder was executed, the three were only present and Junmyeon was nowhere to be found. The last he had seen him was the time he was sent to the room where he would lay for the final time, and he decided not to see and ask for forgiveness finally because he knew he won't be forgiven by him, even after his death.

The atmosphere was filled with serenity; the clouds were white on the blue background sky, no sound was around except the faint chirping of the birds flying across, and the smell of the flowers and grass were lingering, with the feeling of dew caressing its silence. Junmyeon had found himself in front of Jongdae's grave, filled with different bouquets of flowers where a photo of him smiling was on the middle, sitting amidst the flowery scent.

Incarnations, chrysanthemums, tulips, lilies and roses—that was what he had seen as he observed them enveloping on his marble grave, the name Kim Jongdae written in bronze letters. He slowed down his pace as he walked near, and kneeled to touch the picture with his thumb. 'Hello, Jongdae.'

'I missed you.' He continued, crouching while he gazed at the man who will never talk.

'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for hurting you. I regret doing it, and I don't want to reason my loss of sense for the things that I've done to you. I've been a jerk to the both of you. I am the reason why the two of you are now laying in graves, lifeless and I hate thinking about it. I wished I was the one there instead of you two,' He spoke, trying to smile despite his tone was sad and was breaking him down. 'Ah... I'm an idiot. But please remember that even if you're not beside me, you're always inside of me, and I will never love any person the same way I did to you.'

He then placed something near his photo, nearer than the bouquets placed. He stood up and took a look before walking away. Junmyeon was certain, that from the sufferings they had both received, they deserved to be happy wherever they are now.

A pink daisy. A small sunflower.

All lost in the hands of someone.

waiting with memories that make my heart ache
i'm letting you go with a smile 
i believe i will wait for you