It’s moments like these, in the middle of the night when everyone has already gone to sleep, not a single sound traveling through the air except for the low hum of silence, that Heejin lays awake in her bed relentless. She looked over at the digital clock across the room, a bright 4:03 in neon green that makes her mind go into an inner turmoil.

She slowly rose from her bunk, careful not to wake the member sleeping above her as she stiffly got up. She looked at Hyunjin’s sleeping figure once she was on her feet and her heart broke just a little as it brought back memories from earlier days. Haseul and Vivi were sleeping peacefully across from them, and Heejin could already hear Haseul’s scolding if she found out she was up this late instead of catching up on sleep, but she couldn’t help it.

Her mind had gone back in time and she needed to clear it in order to get some well needed rest. She was reminiscing on how things were before all twelve of them had gotten together. How in the beginning it was just her in the dorm and it had seemed so vast and empty. Even this room that wasn’t exactly fit for four people, when it was just her it had seemed so big and intimidating.

Now as she looked around, even in the dark she could see the various personal belongings from each member. How each section distinguished itself from one another and how even if her side of the room looked a bit messy compared to the older girls (Vivi would surely scold her in the morning) it was still comforting. It meant that more than one person actually lived here. It wasn’t just her clothes in one fraction of the closet with the remaining space bare as it contained nothing else.

It wasn’t just her lower bunk that adorned pretty pink sheets and a white comforter while the other bunks were unoccupied. It wasn’t just her pictures on the wall of her family as now all four walls were covered with various pictures of the members together as their own little family. Everything was so different from what it used to be two years ago and Heejin honestly didn’t know how she did it.

Her eyes began to tear up the more the looked around so she settled for going out to the living room if she was going to cry. She could get a bit loud with her hiccups and whimpers so she really didn’t want to wake anyone from her random emotional outburst at wee hours of the night. On her way there she locked gazes with two other closed doors, the rooms where the other unit members were and her heart only got heavier.

The last four girls had been the last members that formed their last unit yyxy. Heejin remembered how hard she cried when they revealed the teaser for the last girl. She remembered how she had excused herself to the bathroom and sobbed for a good half hour in solitude when their new member “Olivia Hye” was announced officially. She remembered putting up a strong front when she first met Hyejoo face to face, giving her the impression that she was cold and unapproachable, but really Heejin had such a stoic expression just so she wouldn’t break down right then and there.

Their encounters after that had been awkward and Heejin knew that it wasn’t Hyejoo’s fault, but for a small while she felt bitter towards the younger girl. Hyejoo didn’t have to train under the company at all. She debuted after one day. She didn’t have to wait for their whole group to be complete because she was the one that tied the whole team together with her reveal. She didn’t have her feelings hurt when friends you’ve trained with for so long didn’t make the cut because someone else took their spot instead.

Heejin knew she shouldn’t feel like this, but back then her emotions were all over the place. She’s still an emotional wreck even to this day, which is why she always distances herself and only allows her mask to fall when she’s alone. She didn’t want anyone to worry about her and see her at her worst. She was the first girl. Technically the one who kicked off the Girl of the Month project. For her to be chosen first, people thought it must be for a reason, that she must be some kind of superhuman over the others, but she wasn’t. She was just a normal girl. A girl people really liked to pressure and put countless weight on her shoulders.

The combination of stress, anxiety, uncertainty, insecurity, exhaustion, and fear sometimes hit her all at once. She got lost in her feelings as she thought of the past and future and combined it with the present. Everything links together into this black hole that the life out of her and leaves nothing but an empty shell of bones and flesh. She feels hollow and her mind goes blank and she doesn’t know how she hadn’t had any panic attacks but maybe she’s just way too drained for her defense mechanism to function properly. 

That’s how Hyejoo finds her when almost an hour has passed, the girl being up way too early to be getting ready for school at this hour. She had heard footsteps in the distance but Heejin didn’t dare look up. She had her face buried in her knees, cheeks tear-stained and eyes red from crying, and she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Maybe she could pretend that she had fallen asleep and whoever was up this late could leave her alone. Of course that didn’t happen.

“Heejin-unnie?”

Hyejoo’s voice was laced with grogginess but concern was sticking out like a sore thumb. In reality this wouldn’t be the first time the younger girl finds Heejin like this. The first girl was good at hiding her emotions from the other members but Hyejoo was exceedingly good at reading and studying people. Heejin liked to let her feelings out in solitude and cry her heart out at crazy hours into the night when she thought no one was awake. Well, unknown to her knowledge, ever since Hyejoo moved in she had always been awake.

Today out of all days though, Heejin had been crying a little louder and her breathing had gotten slightly more uneven than previous times. Overall she had also been crying for longer and Hyejoo couldn’t stay back and pretend she hadn’t witnessed it anymore. She wasn’t that close with the first girl so she didn’t know how to approach her the first time it happened after she moved in. Or the second time. Or the tenth. And really she didn’t know how other members hadn’t noticed when Heejin wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning and her eyes looked swollen once she got out of bed.

She didn’t know if she would be overstepping her boundaries but she was worried and she wanted to do something to help. “Are you okay?” She managed to squeak out uncertainly. 

She had been caught. Heejin’s mind was going haywire now. She needed to find an excuse quick. She couldn’t be found out like this. Her weakness should not be exposed and to Hyejoo nonetheless. Her previous thought of her defense mechanism not working had been completely wrong because now her fight and flight instincts had kicked in. Her mind was going a mile a minute but not fast enough to come up with a proper answer. The only solution she managed to conjure was to flee and that’s what she tried to do.

She tried to jump up and escape from the living room but Hyejoo’s reflexes were faster. The last girl held Heejin by the wrist and pulled her back firmly, again not realizing she had overstepped her boundaries after the action had been done. She couldn’t let go now that Heejin was pressed up against her, her face cast down, eyes avoiding her gaze so she wouldn’t catch her broken state. Hyejoo didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want to pry even more, all she did instead was bring in the first girl close, her arms circling themselves securely around her back.

Automatically Heejin broke down again. With her face buried in Hyejoo’s shoulder she let her tears fall freely, this time in the comfort of someone’s warm embrace rather than the cold emptiness she felt when she was by herself. Her hands were tightly gripping onto Hyejoo’s lose t-shirt, subconsciously gripping tighter as to prevent her from leaving. But Hyejoo wasn’t going anywhere. She wasn’t going to leave Heejin by herself as she had spent enough time alone. She didn’t have to be anymore though because as the twelfth and last girl, Hyejoo was here to stay.

If Heejin was filled with uncertainty, Hyejoo would be there to assure her. If Heejin was feeling worried, Hyejoo would do her best to let her know things would be okay. If Heejin was feeling pressured, Hyejoo would try to take some of the load off her shoulders. If Heejin was feeling anxious, Hyejoo would do anything to calm her down. If Heejin was scared, Hyejoo would protect her. Hyejoo cared a lot for her members but Heejin had a special place in her heart, almost like they had some type of connection no one else shared.

Carefully, Hyejoo led Heejin back to the couch. The younger girl rubbed small circles on Heejin’s back and nuzzled her face against her hair, unaware that she was now crying as well. Her sobs weren’t as loud as Heejin’s but the sadness and pain was still the same. Knowing how much Heejin had suffered, Hyejoo’s heart got smaller and she felt like a terrible person for not having approached the older girl sooner. Hyejoo may not fully understand what Heejin is thinking or going through, but she could imagine with how bad of a condition she’s in at the moment and provide a shoulder for her to lean on.

To be honest, Hyejoo would do the same thing as Heejin when she was first added in the group. Keeping things bottled and trying to get over it alone, that is. When she auditioned for BlockBerry Creative, she didn’t think she would get in as a last member of their rising girl group Loona. At first she thought she was auditioning to be a trainee under the company but when she reached the practice room where auditions were being held, she encountered many hopeful girls talking about making it in as the last member of the group.

Many of them were already actual trainees under the company, and a few of them trainees under a different company that came to audition by recommendation. Hyejoo was the only outsider. No one approached her to talk and the young girl didn’t try to be included either. In that sense she could understand why the company chose the wolf as her representative animal. She could be a bit of a lone wolf sometimes when her environment posed as a threat.

For her audition, they were actually taught the choreography to Egoist on the spot and whoever mastered it the best would get to be the last member. That was it. They had all already sent a video showcasing their singing and dancing ability so all the girls in the room knew how to sing, it was just a matter of seeing their stage presence when executing choreography. Well, not only did BlockBerry think Hyejoo did it best, they thought the choreography was made for her. She had fluidity, power, charisma, skill, and one could tell she was enjoying it.

The very next day, she was called by the company saying they would run over the choreography one more time so it really sticks in her brain, and the day after she would be off to record the song and a week later the music video. They congratulated her for becoming the last member of Loona and Hyejoo sincerely thought it was a prank call. There’s no way she made it in so soon. Was it actually happening? She was going to debut? These were some of the questions that stayed with her all day long.

When she went to the practice room, she encountered some of the trainees she saw the day previous and they gave her the coldest and meanest stares. Hyejoo bowed out of courtesy but in reality she had wanted to run the other way immediately. An outsider had taken their spot, probably wanting this last chance more than Hyejoo herself. The girl hadn’t even known what she was auditioning for initially. Her dance academy only told her a company was holding auditions to officially train under them. Hyejoo didn’t think they meant accepted as a singer and she would train to be their girl group member. It was insane.

She remembers the first encounter she had with the members when they filmed their teaser for Up & Line and only her shadow was featured. It was in between the period where the company wanted her to move in with the members so her schedule wouldn’t be too hard on her. She was literally juggling ten things at once with learning choreography with the backup dancers, recording her song, doing the album photo shoot, filming the music video, prepare for her unit debut, and prepare for the full group debut on top of that so she had to learn full group songs and the setlist, and she still hadn’t packed to move in and Hyejoo was about to have a mental breakdown.

She had been awkward at first with all the girls since she had been so b