Pressure and Perfection

Pressure and Perfection

It was already dark outside but you could still hear noises from the practice room.

 

Quite squeaks from the shoes on the floor and small tics and tocs from the clock on the wall.

 

The clock showed it was already way past midnight.

 

In the middle of the room, right in front of the big mirrored wall was a girl dancing to the beat she counted under her breath.

 

"1, 2, 1, 2... dang it!" She stopped after her mistake.

 

"How do I do this stupid move?" The girl ran over to her water bottle and kicked it against the wall.

 

"That isn't the way you should be treating your bottle of water." Another girl said, standing in the doorway.

 

"Hyunjin? What are you doing here?" Heejin looked at her in shock.

 

"Stopping you, from overworking yourself." Hyunjin smiled at her.

 

"How did you know I was here?"

 

"I mostly just assumed. But when I heard you crawling out of bed I knew where you were probably going." "Does anyone else know?" "I don't think so. It looked like everyone was asleep." Heejin sighed.

 

"That's good. I don't want the others to know. I'm not overworking myself, by the way. I'm training." Heejin sat down on the floor. "Exactly.", Hyunjin pointed at her, "And hurting yourself while you're at it."

 

The smaller girl shook her head in disagreement "I'm not hurting myself. Not on purpose that is."

 

Hyunjin sat down opposite from her best friend and grabbed her Hands. "Come back with me to the dorm. You trained the whole day. I don't want you to be exhausted in the morning." She looked Heejin in the eyes.

 

Heejin avoided her gaze. "I can't. I still haven't figured out how to do this one move." Hyunjins grip tightened slightly. "Why don't we look over it after we slept and ate? Together, with the others?" "I have to figure it out now!" Heejins voice was louder now.

 

The other girl looked at her, slightly shocked. Heejins eyes widened. "I'm sorry... I-I didn’t want to..." "No it's okay." Hyunjins gaze shifted to their hands. "Why are you so hard to yourself all the time? Do you remember the time around our debut as a full group? You were dieting so hard." She sounded saddened "Why can't you talk to me about what's bothering you?"

 

Heejin squeezed her Hands harder. "I... everyone expects me to be perfect... I'm the face of the group. I am the first girl. The public looks at me first when they watch us. I have to be perfect so that they won't hate us. I can't make mistakes. They would tear us to shreds if I did." Heejins eyes were filled with tears.

 

Hyunjin let go of one of her hands to gently stop the tears from falling.

 

She sighed.

 

"I don't care what the public thinks of us. They will always find a reason to hate us. We can try everything to make them like us but they will always find something we apparently did wrong. After mixnine happened and I saw what they made me look like, I stopped to care. Please just don't hurt yourself to please others. You can make mistakes. Everyone does. The girls won't hate you if you do. Nobody at BBC would. The public can think whatever they want, we shouldn't care anymore. We will always have someone who loves us the way we are. Imperfect as we are. And besides, I'm pretty sure the girls would love to help you with the dance. And I would love it when my best friend gets the sleep she deserves." Hyunjin wiped Heejins last tear and held her Hand again.

 

Heejin let out a long breath. "I think I needed that. Thank you." They both leaned in closer and let their foreheads touch. "I love you." She whispered, but Hyunjin heard her anyway. "I love you too. Now let's go home and sleep. You’re way too sleep deprived." She slowly got up and helped the smaller girl to stand up.

 

"Mmmh..." Heejin almost fell asleep on the spot. Hyunjin picked up her bottle and towel and helped her to walk the whole way home.

 

"You know you still have to shower before you get into bed? Haseul unnie would kill you if she knew what you were doing." Heejins eyes shot open. "Oh no! You didn't tell her anything right?" "Never. Have a little faith in me."

 

When they arrived home and slowly opened the door, someone was waiting for them.

 

Ten girls came into the hallway. Yeojin and Choerry ran up to them. Chuu and Kim Lip where right behind them, the older members, Gowon and Olivia walked in after them.

 

Heejin and Hyunjin were surprised. And Heejin was even more surprised when nobody said a word and just embraced them into a big group hug.

 

After a while, Haseul spoke. "We were worried about you, Heejin." The hug slowly dissolved. "You knew?" "We all knew what you were doing." Yves told them. "Some of the managers saw you entering the building in the past few weeks, so we figured." Vivi explained.

 

Heejin looked at Hyunjin "Did you know about this?" She shook her head "I had no idea the others knew." "We didn't know until Haseul unnie told us yesterday!" Choerry chimed in.

 

"I just didn't know what to do. You were always so tired and after I knew why I just couldn't figure out how to talk with you..." Haseul admitted "I'm so glad that Hyunjin decided to talk with you."

 

"I'm so sorry I worried you guys! That was the last thing I wanted." Heejin wasn't sure what to feel. On one hand, she was relieved that her members are looking out for her. On the other, she was feeling bad for making them worry about her. "I just... I wanted to be perfect so the public would like us more."

 

Kim Lip sighed. "You know you're not the only one in this group right?" Chuu elbowed her. "I wasn’t finished! Anyway, you may be the face of the group but that doesn't mean you can't make mistakes. We are all here to help you. We'll take a little bit of your burden of you okay?" "Yeah! Next comeback I'll be center!" Yeojin yelled. "Sure if BBC lets you." Heejin smiled.

 

"I'll talk to BBC so that you won't have to go to so many shows anymore. And if you go: not alone. I hope they'll understand that this is hard for you. So much pressure..." Haseul looked at the floor and thought "But let's talk more after we all slept a little." Olivia took that as her sign to retreat back to her bed. But not after she hugged Heejin again and said goodnight to everyone. Gowon followed, and one by one left the hallway until 1/3 were the only ones left.

 

"You know you can always talk to us of you want?" Vivi looked at Heejin and she nodded. "I just didn't know what to say..."

 

"It's okay. I'm happy you two talked about it. Let's head to bed." Haseul said "After you showered." She added and Heejin let out a small groan. But she obeyed. And after she was finished and dried her hair it was almost three in the morning.

 

She slowly tiptoed into their room and slipped into her bed. "Are you asleep?" She asked Hyunjin, whose bed was under her own. "No, not yet. I waited for you." "Can I sleep with you tonight?" Heejin asked while fidgeting with her fingers. "Of course. Come down." She got out of her bed and slipped under Hyunjins covers.

 

The taller girl wrapped her arms around her and Heejin snuggled into her embrace. "Goodnight. I love you." "Goodnight, I love you too." Both of them fell fast asleep. 

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