“Wow, you’re a literature major?  You like reading that much?” Jinyoung looked down at the man in front of him, he had bright doe eyes and a muscular build.

“Jackson, that’s not how you greet people.”  Mark tried to sound upset but he was still laughing about it.

It had been a few days since the ice cream meetup when Mark texted him asking if he wanted to come and check out his dorm now that he settled in.

Mark still seemed a bit awkward when they met up.  Usually, he would greet him with a hug or something but today they just kind of waved to each other and went on with their lives.

“I do like reading that much, actually.”  Mark must’ve told his roommates about him before his arrival.  “I’m Jinyoung, nice to meet you both.”

Jackson was already coming in for a hug.  “A friend of Mark is a friend of mine!” Jinyoung hugged him back uncomfortably- he really only hugged close friends.

“Jaebum!”  Jackson yelled up at the top bunk.  “Come down and say hi too.”

“I can say hi from up here,”  Was the quiet response. “Hi.”  Jaebum leaned only slightly over the edge of the bed and waved down at him, before going back to scrolling on his phone.

“I’m sorry, Jaebum is anti-people,”  Jackson explained. “Mark is great though, we have so much in common!”  Jackson said swinging an arm around Mark.

They hardly knew each other for two days, but they already seemed like they’d been friends for ages.  Mark wasn’t one to open up immediately, so the fact they were this close made Jinyoung a little jealous.  Just a little. “Is that so?”

“We’re both basically Chinese, we speak the same three languages, we’re both gay, we both used to play basketball when we were younger…”  Jackson kept on listening but Jinyoung’s mind stopped absorbing after ‘we’re both gay.’

“You’re both gay?”  Jinyoung blurts it out before he could stop himself.  “I mean, that’s a coincidence.” He tried to backpedal.

“Oh, I know right!”  Jackson exclaimed. “Unfortunately, Jaebum is straighter than a needle, we could’ve been three for three!”

“I’m good, you guys can date all you want as long as you keep me in the dark.”  Jaebum said, this time not even bothering to lean over and look at them.

“Just because they’re both gay doesn't mean they’re dating-”  Jinyoung cuts in. “I’m friends with tons of girls that doesn’t mean I’m dating them.”  Jinyoung doesn’t even know why he had to interject. He wasn’t even friends with tons of girls, but if he was he wouldn’t be dating them.

“Hmm, Mark is pretty cute.”  Jackson mused.

“Sorry,”  Jinyoung pulled Mark from underneath Jackson’s arm, back to his side.  “He’s unavailable.”

Mark stared at Jinyoung incredulously.  “No, I’m not.”

Jinyoung gripped Mark’s arm tighter.  “I know classes haven’t started yet, but university isn’t a joke.  You should focus on studying for your classes, and actually figuring out what you want to do.  Remember? You need to choose a major by next year.”

Mark was an undeclared major, meaning he had the free range to take whatever classes he wanted as long he picked something concrete by his second year. 

Mark had always struggled when it came to choosing exactly what he wanted to do, but his parents were adamant on him attending university.  Moving back to Korea was all Mark’s decision though.

Mark pulled his arm out of Jinyoung’s grasp.  “I know that already, you don’t need to remind me.”  Mark said, probably not impressed Jinyoung pulled out the major card. 

“Wow, Jinyoung takes university so seriously.”  Jackson chided. “Don’t you want to have some fun?  Maybe Jinyoung needs a date too.” Jackson looked Jinyoung up and down and tried to figure him out.

“I don’t need a date.”  Jinyoung tensed up. “I’m not interested in dating.”

“Aw, but I love setting up dates!”  Jackson pleaded.

Jinyoung was getting slightly bothered by how chummy this Jackson guy was after knowing him for a whole ten minutes.  “Stick to your own dates.”

“In that case,”  Jackson pulled Mark back over towards him.  “You think you can handle studying and a date with me, Mark?”

Jinyoung felt his throat get dry when he saw the way Mark smiled at Jackson, knowing he couldn’t intervene again or it would be weird and possessive.  Why did he even intervene in the first place?

“I’m going to have to pass, Jinyoung’s probably right.”  Mark said, and Jinyoung breathed a huge sigh of relief.

“That’s no fun, but if it’s a no it’s a no.”  Jackson surrendered. “How about you Jaebum? We should go out!”

“Jackson, if you keep teasing me I assure you will regret it,”  Jaebum yelled back down from his bed. He had only been pretending to not listen to their entire conversation.  “I want to nap, so everyone better leave or be quiet.” Jaebum announced, before putting his phone aside and pulling his blankets up.

“Alright!  Who wants to grab some food?”  Jackson announced to the room.

“I have more lectures this afternoon.”  Jinyoung said regrettably.

“That’s alright, then you and me Markie?”

Jinyoung squinted.   Markie?   He got a pet name for Mark before he did?!

“Guess so, see you tomorrow in class Jinyoung!”  Mark said before following behind Jackson out of the room, leaving Jinyoung standing there stunned by the turn of events.

Mark had been Jinyoung’s only close friend and vice versa for so long it was weird to see Mark grow so close with someone so quickly.  He literally accomplished something that took Jinyoung months in a matter of two days.

Their relationship had been so weird since that day in the park, Jinyoung was wondering if perhaps Mark had grown tired?  New school, new me, also meant new friends?

He couldn’t stop doubting himself- Jackson and Mark had so much in common.  Did he even have anything in common with Mark at all? He wracked his brain and came up short- they were so drastically different.

The thought of Mark getting together with Jackson felt like an act of betrayal- but in reality, Mark was not an object and he didn't belong to Jinyoung.  He could do whatever he wanted to do.

“Are you going to stand there and mope or leave?”  Jaebum called from the side of the bed. “If you’re leaving, can you turn off the lights on the way out?  Thanks.”

Whatever was this gross feeling taking over Jinyoung’s body when he thought about Mark needed to stop, or else he would end up not only making their friendship awkward- he would lose it altogether.

That would break Jinyoung completely.

Jinyoung groaned as he walked into the last lecture of his first week of university.  All of his classes seemed super fun and informative so far- he was actually enjoying himself.

His last lecture of that day, however, was a liberal course he had to take to supplement his major.  Not only did it have nothing to do with literature but it was the one class he and Mark decided to sign up for together so they could see each other.

That would’ve been great if Mark was actually talking to him.  He didn’t think Mark was exactly upset with him, but every time he had reached out he had either not responded or said that he was busy.  Jinyoung felt like he had an idea who he was spending so much time with.

When Jinyoung walked into the class he saw Mark immediately, sitting in a back corner scrolling mindlessly on his phone.  He thought maybe he should run, the awkward atmosphere was already dispersing through the room. Instead, he mustered up some courage and plopped down in the seat right next to Mark.

“Hey,”  Jinyoung poked him in the back lightly to get his attention.

“Hey,”  Mark gave him a soft smile.  “What’s up?”

“Nothing much, just getting acquainted with all my classes so far this week.” Mark wasn’t upset but Jinyoung would’ve almost preferred that to this weird limbo they’re stuck in.  “How are your classes?”

“My classes have been good.”

See, usually by this time Mark would be playing around- making awful jokes, pulling him into hugs but all that had disappeared.  It felt even worse than when they first met- because at least at that time Mark was making an effort.

“That’s… good.”  Jinyoung replied lamely.

He finally really looked at Mark’s face- his eyes were puffy and red.  Jinyoung moved instinctively, leaning in and holding Mark’s chin to get a closer look.

“What happened?  Your eyes are so red.” 

“J-Jinyoung,”  Mark’s voice was shaking.  “I couldn’t really sleep last night, the bed in my room is really dingy.”

Jinyoung noticed how close their faces were then, shooting back into his seat.  His ears were probably burning red at that moment. “Ah, that . I hope you get used to it.”

Jinyoung flushed, which made no sense.  He would literally get much farther up in Mark’s personal space without any problem, but now he felt like it was hard to breathe just from staring into his eyes.

Luckily- the professor decided to start class before the moment could get any weirder.  Jinyoung wasn’t ready to unpack how far their friendship had fallen at that very moment.

The liberal course they had signed up was a course on astrology vs astronomy- neither were really interested in the topic but Mark had read online it was a popular course because it was super easy to pass.  Since they both had a full course load neither of them minded trying to get an easy credit.

The professor started rambling on about the history of pseudoscience and popular beliefs and Jinyoung could already feel himself zoning out, his mind wandering back to Mark.

He had always known he was handsome, it was clear to anyone that got a glimpse that he could have a great career as a model if that’s what he wanted to do.  As a friend Jinyoung never paid too much attention to the sharpness of his features combined with his slender neck and gorgeous dark brown eyes-

.  Jinyoung was staring again.

Mark wasn’t paying much attention himself, doodling fancy lettering into his thin notebook and refreshing his Instagram timeline instead of listening.

Ever since Mark’s confession the week before Jinyoung had been thinking about a lot of things, and number one was why he was suddenly so on edge every time he was around Mark. Was it because now he thought it was possible that Mark could like him way more than friends?

That thought brought the flush back to Jinyoung’s cheeks.

That would never happen, their friendship was too close to mess with and Jinyoung wasn’t interested in that sort of relationship.

At least, that’s what he thought.  That’s the only thing he ever thought.

Jinyoung decided to actually pay attention and take detailed notes to avoid thinking about Mark because the more he lingered the more stressed he was going to get. 

By the end of the lecture, Jinyoung had two full pages of notes and Mark had 10% battery left on his phone.

“Jinyoung,”  It bothered Jinyoung that Mark was leaving his tradition ‘-ie’ off the end of his name.  “I’m going to check out the school pool, do you want to come with?”

“Oh, I don’t even have a swimsuit or anything though.”  Jinyoung wasn’t that into swimming, and Mark knew that.

“I was going with Jackson but I thought it would be nice if you tagged along, but that’s fine if you don't want to.”

Jinyoung’s blood ran cold as soon as he heard Jackson’s name. 

“I’m coming.”  Jinyoung declared.

“But, you just said you don’t have a swimsuit?”

“Er,”  Jinyoung might’ve screwed that one up.  “I can watch.”

“You want to watch us swim?”  Jinyoung felt really stupid now, but he didn’t want to leave them alone together.  Half . Wet.

“Yes, don’t worry.  This kind of thing is fun for me, I won’t miss out at all.”

“Um, well that’s cool then,”  Mark bit his lip, his speech toned down again.  “I’m going to get my stuff from my room, meet you there in half an hour?”

“Sure, I’ll be there..”

Jinyoung still didn’t know why he would be there, but he would be there.

Jinyoung felt like a mom sitting in the bleachers watching her children compete in an elementary school swim tournament.

He wasn’t allowed near the pool if he didn’t intend to swim, so he ended up watching Mark and Jackson from high above, thoroughly not enjoying the pungent smell of chlorine attacking his nostrils.

Despite how awkward he felt up there the only thing he was thankful was that Mark and Jackson could barely see him- so he had a good chance to sit and observe.

Right now, they were racing laps across the pool, splashing huge waves of water trying to mess each other up.  Laughing way too much, having a lot of fun. Disgusting.

Mark won the last race, and Jackson suggested for the next one they dive into the water instead to get more propulsion.  The pool was pretty echo-y so he could hear Jackson’s booming voice loud and clear- but he couldn’t hear Mark’s answer at all.

They both got out of the water then, dripping wet with their torso’s completely bare.

Jinyoung’s eyes bulged out of his head when he saw Mark, when did he get so… toned?  Had he been working out for the last two months? His build was still slender but his arms had bulked up considerably, and there was slight ab definition down his midsection.  His swim trunks had even ridden down low enough you could clearly see his v-line peeking out the top.

Jinyoung had leaned forward so far to get a good look he had to catch himself before he fell over the railing.

Jinyoung could feel his ears get hot again, knowing he had ogled so openly it was shameful.  It was weird, he’d seen Mark with his shirt off a handful of times but he’s never had that reaction before.

Just shake it off Jinyoung, you were just jealous of his muscles or something.

Jinyoung was suddenly aware of how his body paled in comparison.  He had free access to the university’s gym, perhaps he should look into that.  Also, he should buy a swimsuit.

It seemed as though Mark and Jackson had grown tired of racing, now they were going around to others in the pool and getting them to join in on games.  Those two were literally in university but they had no shame going around like kids rallying together at the community pool.  Jinyoung was almost envious- he got embarrassed a lot by little things like this.  The struggle of forcing himself to grow up was one of his worst inner conflicts. Mark was the one usually keeping the edge off and forcing him to enjoy life a bit more.

Maybe that’s why Jinyoung was feeling so drained not having him around.

Jinyoung had only zoned out for a second, but the next moment he looked down and Mark was sitting on top of Jackson’s shoulders, still soaking wet, the proximity between Jackson’s neck and Mark’s crotch basically zero.

Jinyoung stood up like an idiot about to yell, only to sit back down when he realized how stupid he was being.  They were just playing games but… Jinyoung didn’t feel so good anymore. Maybe the chlorine was getting to his brain.

He wondered if it would be rude to leave, but they couldn’t see him anyway.  They were having too much fun to notice anyway- it was stupid of him to tag along in the first place.

Silently, he picked up all his stuff and exited down the stairs, walked out of the school and back home even though it was only three in the afternoon.

Jinyoung wasn’t expecting to hear back from Mark that same day since his expectations had dropped so low when it came to their friendship, that’s why it startled him when he heard that distinctive text message tone from one Mark Tuan.

Jinyoung had been lying in bed staring at his ceiling for almost an hour, overthinking every little thing.

This past week with Mark should’ve been great, getting ice cream together, hanging out at Mark’s dorm, chatting in class together.  It turned out nothing like what Jinyoung had envisioned.

For the first time since he met Mark, he felt like he was doubting their friendship- because really, why were they friends?  No common interests, no common hobbies, he was even blanking on how they managed to keep each other entertained for the past four years.

Mtuan93: jinyoung, did you leave today without telling me?  I was wondering where u went.

Jinyoung’s heart clenched a bit for thinking Mark wouldn’t even notice.

Jy2022: i just remembered i needed to drop by the admissions office to sort out a course swap.

He felt bad for lying, but he couldn’t straight up tell him he had gotten jealous and stormed out of the pool to mope.

Jealous, ah.  That was the word Jinyoung had tried to run away from this entire time.

Mtuan93:  youve been acting weird lately… there’s still time for ice cream today.  I wanted to talk.

Jinyoung knew this wasn’t going to go well if the first time was any indication.  When Mark said he wanted to have a talk he really meant he wanted to have a talk.

Jy2022:  i’m free, is 6pm okay?  You get the ice cream.

Jinyoung almost declined, but he felt like he would only be speeding up the inevitable.

If this friendship was going to end, it would end, but not without Jinyoung trying to explain what was going on with his own words- even if that meant confronting whatever these conflicting feelings were inside of him.

Mtuan93:  alright ill be there

He wouldn’t give up on this relationship without a fight.

Jinyoung was almost to the park when it started raining.  He contemplated going back home but instead, he ran all the way to the park, on the off-chance Mark had waited for him in this weather.

When he got to the park he saw Mark huddled up inside the middle section of the playground, legs tucked up to his knees and his hair dripping water.  The park was empty at this point- not a soul would be out there with the sounds of rolling thunder in the distance.

“Mark!”  Jinyoung called out as he ran up to him and climbed up the ladder, squeezing into the small spot next to him.  “I thought you wouldn’t come because of the rain.”

“I thought you wouldn’t come either…”  Mark said quietly.

“I wasn't already almost here- it wasn’t a big deal.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think of getting ice cream when I saw the rain..”

“That’s fine, I’m not in the mood for ice cream either.”

They didn’t talk for a moment, the sound of the rain hitting the playground and the muted sounds of distant thunder were making enough noise to swallow up the silence.

“I almost wished you wouldn’t have come.”  Mark whispered. Jinyoung wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t so close to him, their knees both tucked and grazing against each other.

“So you are upset with me.”  Jinyoung knew, but to get such blatant confirmation really hurt him.

“I need to ask you something, and you have to answer honestly,”  Mark started. “You don’t hate me?”

“I could never hate you.”

“Then, you hate the fact that I’m gay?”

Jinyoung took a deep breath.  “No, absolutely not.”

“But, it does bother you, right?  You’ve been acting so weird since I told you and… I don’t know.  It really caught me off guard, I thought you would be so understanding as always.  Instead, I felt like you pushed me away.”

Jinyoung let the raindrops fill the silence while he thought of what to say back. 

“That wasn’t my intention at all,”  Jinyoung started. “If anything, I’ve felt closer to you than I ever did before.  That’s why it’s been weird.”

“What are you even talking about?”  The edge in Mark’s voice made Jinyoung’s head shoot up.  “I told you to be honest with me but you’re making no sense.  If you think we’ve gotten closer than I most definitely haven’t gotten the memo.”

Jinyoung noticed that Mark’s eyes were even puffier than they were in class.  Had he caused this? “I don’t know why either.”

“Does it have something to do with Jackson?”  Mark spat. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at him?  Am I not allowed to have other friends?”

Jinyoung’s heart was racing and his mind was shutting down.  All these puzzle pieces in his mind didn’t even seem like they were all to the same puzzle- no matter how much rotating and switching he did nothing made sense.  “I like Jackson-”

“Then why are you so rude to him?”

“I never said you’re not allowed to have other friends, but you’ve been hanging out with him instead of me-”

“That’s because my so-called best friend has acted like he finds every moment he has to spend with me like he’s choking on the air around him.”  It had been so long since Jinyoung had seen Mark so genuinely angry; the last time was when Jinyoung talked about his father. He got so upset on Jinyoung’s behalf he had to calm him down.  “I don’t know what’s your problem, but if you can’t be honest with me then there’s no point in any of this.”

Jinyoung started crying-  he realized this is it. This is the end of a friendship he would never get back.

Mark's about to say something again but Jinyoung doesn’t stick around to hear it.  There’s nothing he hates more than people seeing him cry.

Over the past years, he’d cried tons of times, but only in the comfort of his own bed.  He was always able to hold it in so that nobody would see him break.

He hadn’t cried in public since that one night four years ago in the emergency room.

The rain felt like it was coming down even harder and Jinyoung leaped down off the playground ladder onto the soft rubber ground below.  His tears mixed into the rain so he let them flow freely. There was no point in holding back now.

“Jinyoung!”  Mark grabbed his arm spun him around with ease.

“Stop, let me go!”  Jinyoung tried to get out of his grasp but Mark had a vice grip on him.  Jinyoung was certain he spent a lot of those two months away working out.

“No, don’t leave,”  Mark begged. “I’m sorry I got upset Jinyoung, but I can’t let you walk out of my life without any proper answers.”

“What do you want me to say?!”  Jinyoung yelled through the tears.

“I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts, I need to hear it.”

“The truth?”  Jinyoung spat.  “I was jealous, disgustingl y jealous.”  Jinyoung was yelling now, his voice cracking on every word.  “That Jackson guy pissed me off, why were you so close with him when we’ve been best friends for so many years?”

“That’s because you were acting like you hated me.”

“Well, That’s not true at all!  I like you so much that being around you makes my heart beat so fast I can’t help but act like an idiot, okay?  Is that what you wanted to hear?” Jinyoung was breathing heavily after spitting out so many words in rapid-fire.  “I don’t want you to hang out with Jackson, I don’t want you to hang out with any other guy but me .”

“Jinyoung,”  Mark held Jinyoung’s shoulders as he huffed and puffed, they were both completely drenched.  “Breathe.”

Jinyoung took a moment to catch his breath, realizing that Mark was still standing there and he wasn’t looking upset or confused at all.  In fact, he looked shocked.

“I don’t like Jackson in a romantic way, not even in the slightest,”  Mark said. “Is that why you were acting so strange? Because… you like me?”

Even though Jinyoung was trying to stay calm he felt his heart rate spike again after Mark spoke.  He had hit the nail right on the head- Jinyoung was completely head over heels for Mark and the moment he realized that he could be with him was the moment he couldn’t keep his feelings locked so tightly inside.  He had never acted on them because he knew they would never come to fruition- but to see an end goal in plain sight was frightening and exhilarating.

“I...well...”  Jinyoung’s chest clenched.  “Yes.”

“Oh,”  Mark stood there, his hands on Jinyoung’s shoulders for what seemed like an eternity.  “Aren’t you straight?”

That’s what Jinyoung had thought- but really he hadn’t had a crush on a girl or a guy before.  He could only see himself together with Mark. “I guess I’m not since I like you.”

“Oh.”  If Mark said oh one more time he was ready to punch him in the face.  He had put every single feeling he had out in the open and Mark looked like he had barely processed one sentence.  “Are you sure, like one hundred percent sure?”

“I’m dead serious,”  Jinyoung sighed. “I know this is going to ruin our friendship, but I can’t hang around with you without feeling that way I feel, and if you can’t accept that-”

Jinyoung didn’t have a chance to finish that sentence, his words swallowed up by Mark’s lips.  He felt like he was dreaming for a moment- was Mark kissing him?

It was a short kiss- so short Jinyoung barely registered it.  He needed more.

“Jinyoung, when I told you I was gay it was like my last chance for me to show that I liked you, a lot.  We’ve been so close and yet I was upset over the fact that we’ll never be together because you never considered me more than a friend.  I told you I was gay to see if you said anything then- and if you didn’t I wanted to move on and open myself up to other people,” Mark slicked Jinyoung’s wet bangs up, getting them away from his eyes.  “I really thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore but to know how wrong I was-”

“Mark, please stop talking,”  Jinyoung interrupted. “I’m sorry I acted like such an idiot- but I don’t think I can stand being out here any longer without your lips on mine.”

It was when Mark kissed him again that he realized that every single night they spent cooped up in Mark’s basement playing video games, every morning they walked to school together revising grammar, and every afternoon they sat in the park eating ice cream and laughing until their stomachs hurt, he had always wanted this.  To be closer, so close he was suffocating in Mark’s expensive magnolia cologne.  So close he didn’t know where Mark stopped and Jinyoung began. So close they would never have to separate again because Jinyoung felt like years of build-up had finally come to a startling - and he wasn’t ready for this moment to ever end.