Note: I wish it were longer, but I still have more writing to do and you guys have been waiting patiently so you shall be rewarded. Enjoy! :)

I was in better spirits when Onew left again, despite the hole that still lingered in my heart from his absence. At least I had a reason this time. At least he saw his daughter and vice versa. At least I knew there would be a chance that we’d see him again…

Missing him was inevitable, so I just went along with life as best I could. Nae Kkum took up a lot of my time; she was my joy. I put her special locket up in my jewelry box. Sometimes before bed I’d take it out and stare at it, then let our daughter look at it. Every time she saw his face, her eyes swirled for minutes at a time-I guess because she didn’t know how to exactly to feel when she saw him. Most times it was a happy bright color, sometimes sad blues and purples. She probably missed him just as much.

For a few months, things were okay. Nae Kkum slept most of the time, so my mother never really got to see her eyes.  When she did, I was exposed to the true intelligence of my child. She had so much sense that her eyes would stay a light brown for others. It wouldn’t last long, as I’d take her back quickly, in fear. Or she’d yawn and fall asleep again. I knew my family thought there was something wrong with Cheonsa, but I didn’t care. My child’s safety came before her popularity. Besides, she was a normal baby at home. As long as I knew the truth, so what?

I was fine until I started to see him. Onew. Out shopping, driving, at school, at work. Everywhere I’d see him. Or I could swear that I saw him standing there. At first I thought I was hallucinating, that my subconscious was intentionally creating him to appear in my everyday life. I saw him…and every time I saw him, he’d be standing stiff, a disturbed look on his face.  The image would disappear after a few seconds, yet that was all it took.  Then as the months wore on, I noticed that his expressions were growing even more frightful. Like he was scared to death. He looked sickly.

It was then I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Something wasn’t right. Something must’ve happened…

Nae Kkum was the one who led me to my final decision. She’d never made any indication that she saw my visions of her father, but one night, that changed. I had just finished washing the dishes; looking out into the living room, I saw him leaned against the wall. He was crying…no, he was sobbing. Yet before my own tears could come, before he could disappear, my crawling daughter stopped. She pointed in his direction and began to wail immediately. Her crawling sped up towards him-he was now looking back at her in pity, but by the time she got there, he was gone.  I ran to her. The rest of the night, I sat against the same wall with Nae Kkum in my arms. It was the first time I couldn’t calm her down. It was the first time I’d ever heard her cry like that. Like something was killing her. She cried her little self into exhaustion, and by then it was early morning.

I decided to drop everything and move to Korea to find him.

I made up excuses to my family and started to pack immediately. Got my passports. Since I had no other picture, I drew the one from Nae Kkum’s locket on a bigger scale and made hundreds of copies to post around Seoul. By the next two weeks, my daughter and I were on a plane to South Korea. When we got there I was nervous of course, as I’d never been that far from home before, much less ever left North America. But thanks to my extensive Korean vocabulary, I fared well enough. Nae was 8 months now.

I went to work straightaway looking for a simple job while I reluctantly left my baby at a daycare. Found one- I was to be a waitress. When I told the ahjumma owner that I didn’t have a place to live, she suggested that I live on the second floor of the restaurant; my wages would pay my rent. Overwhelmed, I enveloped her in a big hug.  Then I practically ran back to the day care to pick up my baby.

Every day it was the same. Woke up, got me and my baby ready. Had the ahjumma’s daughter take care of my daughter along with hers –she especially didn’t mind since Nae was a quiet child, didn’t need or want for much. Went to work. Since I was a foreigner, sometimes I had to deal with prejudiced customers, but that was fine. As soon as my shift was over, I picked up Nae, strapped her to my chest, and went about my second job-setting up all my flyers. By foot, by bus, by cab, by a friendly citizen. Every day I went looking for him, making sure to conceal my sleeping baby and staying away from dangerous areas. And each day brought a different attitude. I was hopeful, yet my chest bubbled with panic sometimes. What if I never found him? What if he had already left Korea?  What if he…he was ki-

I couldn’t think about that. Not Onew. He promised. He was strong. There was no way he’d be gone like that…

I was resilient.  Couldn’t let myself get distracted by Seoul’s unique beauty even though I was tempted. Couldn’t fall entirely into my new life. Men tried to talk to me all the time, especially when they saw evidence of my attraction to Asian men through Nae Kkum.  All were sent away. I told them my heart belonged with my child’s father. Didn’t tell them I was here searching for him though.

There were days, though, that I grew discouraged.  I cried myself to sleep often. Nae Kkum and I still saw him around looking sadder by the day. The illusion would sometimes climb into bed with me. Sometimes he stood by Nae Kkum’s crib just watching her peacefully.

Then one day when I was on my rounds, I hit a milestone. It was one of the days that I stood on a random corner and held up my original drawing of Jinki, asking all the passerby’s if they’d seen him or knew where he was.  One ahjumma walking by slowed, assessed the desperate look in my eye, then stopped to look at the picture.

“Ahjumma, have you seen him?” I asked breathlessly. “Does he look familiar?”

She looked surprised at my Korean, then looked at the picture closer. Gradually, her wrinkled eyes grew wider. Nae Kkum nuzzled into my chest as if she knew we’d finally had some breakthrough.

“I—I haven’t seen this face in twenty years,” she finally whispered. She took the picture from me gently and placed a hand to her chest. “We all thought…aigoo…”

“You know him?” I tried not to raise my voice. “You know where he is?”

She blinked, then handed the paper back.

“Child, I think you need to speak to the person who lives over there.’ She pointed a withered finger in the direction of trees. A part of a popular Seoul park that hadn’t been cultivated yet.

“There? Someone lives back there?”

She nodded.  “She and her family have lived there for years. It is the reason why the land there hasn’t been touched. She owns it.”

I gazed into the thick brush of trees a moment more. My voice softened as I bowed.  “Kamsahamnida, ahjumma.”

“May God bless you in your search young one,” she smiled gently, eyeing Nae Kkum. “What a beautiful baby.”  I bowed carefully again in thanks before she could look closer to see my daughter’s face and link it to Jinki’s. Then she went on her way and I crossed the street. There was a worn path there, so I said a prayer and began to follow it.

More soon! ❤