This time when I awoke, I went flying up. But instead of a plant filled room, I was in my own bed. Sunlight seeped through the blinds and gave my room a really peaceful look for the first time, yet I barely paid attention.

“Onew? Onew, where are you?”

My legs slung over the side of the bed. As I tried to gain my balance, my feet got tangled up in the sheets that had been kicked to the floor; I fell hard on my knees, cringing. My hand had automatically went to clutch my middle and I felt it- my bandaged middle. My brows furrowed.

What? Why am I bandaged there?

Yet there was no time to think about that now.

“Onew!” His name echoed in my apartment. I got to my bare feet again, hobbling from the pain that now shot through me. I didn’t care that I had only a sheer nightie on (when did I put that on?) as I unlocked my door and stumbled out into the bright daylight.

As I started up the external stairs to get to his floor, I barely noticed the many faces that swarmed around me. Men in dark blue uniforms on walkie talkies, yellow police tape everywhere, my neighbors huddled together in deep whispers. Other men  and women took pictures and wrote things down on clipboards. A news team was even there; their presence was the only thing that made me halt for a second, worry etching into my system.

I slowly went to the edge of the balcony and gripped the iron bar. Soon a mess of paramedics and such emerged from a dorm room on the bottom floor…and with them a stretcher.  From where I was, I saw through the breathing mask that he was Asian and he was young but I didn’t recognize him. Following behind them was a somber faced black guy with his hands behind his back; an officer was trying to talk to him but he only continued to frown and look away from him.

Pity filled my heart for the boy on the stretcher, though I also felt that I shouldn’t have sympathy for him. But how could I not? Something obviously bad happened. He didn’t look good at all. Not from all the blood and bruises and the abnormal way his leg stuck out from under the sheet…

I shook my head and tore away from the sight. I had to get to Onew. Maybe he could even tell me what happened when I got there.

By the time I reached his door, I was panting like crazy.  Hunching over, breathing and looking up at the sky, I saw dark clouds swirling…as if they were being away into the blue. Hmm. Maybe that’s why everyone was pointing up into the sky in shock. Was there some weird phenomenon earlier?

I knocked at the door as hard as I could. Instead of an answer, though,  the door just went in as if it were already unlocked. Or the lock was broken. Huh? “Onew!” I called as I went in anyway…and paused.

The place was cleaned out.

“What?” My heart sank. “Onew! Jinki! Where are you?” From room to room I suddenly went, but there was no sign of him. No sign that anyone had lived there. Judging from the cobwebs and the heat…. No one had been here for months. Every room was empty.

No Onew…

“Where did you go?’ I croaked as I finally slumped to the empty bedroom floor. Not even a leaf left behind. No earthly scent. My eyes grew moist, bottom lip trembled. I hadn’t realized it then, but it was the first time I’d cried over a stranger…over a man. “Where did my Peacemaker go? W-why’d you leave me behind?”

My only reply was the howling morning breeze that whipped outside and moved the front door back and forth.

Shh…just go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I promise.

I clamped my eyes shut, squeezing the tears out. My body lowered itself all the way to the floor and got into fetal position.

Everything is not okay, Jinki. Everything won’t be okay until I see you again…

But I went to sleep anyway, just like he told me too.

He was there in my dreams and nightmares.  Still promising that I’d be alright…

*****

Things were different now. My life seemed to be a string of fast decisions put into play.

I moved out of the dorm. Moved back to Florida and started over at USF. I don’t really know why I moved. Maybe because I missed my family. Maybe because it reminded me too much of…

I was different now.  And at first I thought in only my depressed attitude lately.

Then a few days after I’d taken care of transferring my transcripts, I got sick.

Took a test a few weeks later. Took several actually. But they all said one thing. My doctor even confirmed it. I was going to be a mother.

While sitting there in the doctor’s room, however, the strangest thing happened. As soon as he told me I was pregnant, I was jolted into a flash back I never…I was never there to actually see. It was Onew. I was passed out on the bed but he was wide awake. A montage of him researching on the computer, reading through books, peering through the lens of his microscopes. Things bubbling. Chanting. His face so concentrated.  A cup of . Him using special instruments to combine DNA while wearing goggles; I could see the colorful strands so clearly. Smoke from pots. Sparks of magic…

I knew then. I knew that what he put on me had impregnated me. I knew he used himself as the donor. But most importantly, I knew why he’d acted and said those weird things that night. My suspicions had been right…I HAD been barren.

And he’d given me a baby.

I’d fainted right there on the spot. It took my doctor and the nurses several attempts to revive me and when they finally did, I ran out without another word. The tears came even though I tried my hardest to stop them.

I didn’t know how to feel. For one, I was as grateful and overwhelmingly happy as I could ever be. But on the other hand, I was frightened. Onew had the heart of a human, yet the fact was, he wasn’t. Not fully. What would the baby be like? And then there was school, my family and friends finding out; I couldn’t show them a father even if I wanted to.

But the one thing that hit me the most was…why did he impregnate me instead of just healing my reproductive system? I’m sure he could have since he was good at what he did.

Maybe it’s because he loves you just as much as you lo-

I had to pull the car off to the side of the road. No, it wasn’t that. He was just doing his job. He was just being nice, just polite. Right…

Those thoughts and the sudden theory that maybe he couldn’t have healed me without impregnating me were the only things that got me back on the road again and home in one piece. Then the next nine months commenced with much sickness and worry. I found out I was having a girl; in the sonogram I saw that she was as cute as a button and for the first time in a long time, I grinned. From that moment on, things seemed easier. I got a good job and did my school work online. Yeah, I was embarrassed whenever someone mentioned or asked about my baby’s father, yet that too didn’t bother me much after a while. I accepted that I would never see Onew again, and that our child was his parting gift. The only hole in my newfound peace was my baby never getting to know her father…

Lee Nae Kkum was born in spring. Her name fit perfectly; “my dream.” And she was. When she was in my arms for the first time, the Korean word for angel popped into my head- I decided her nickname would be Cheonsa.

The only thing she got from me was my complexion-and even then she was slightly lighter than me. Everything else was all him. She was his splitting image. Beautiful and from the shape of , I knew she’d  have his smile. That last part nearly sent me over the edge…

Yet there was one thing about her she got from neither one of us, and I guessed it had to do with her unnatural conception. She still had his shape eyes, but her eye color….it changed. Not just your standard blues and browns and greens….gold, magenta, red, violet, hazel, yellow, black, orange etc. They changed whenever they wanted- to mood, to light, or just for no reason. And when they did, her irises swirled rainbow before they settled for one color. Of course I was shocked and immediately went on guard in the hospital. If anyone were to see this, they’d take her away from me and do God knew what…I’d probably never see her again.

Yet there also seemed to be an intelligence about her already. She refused to open her tiny eyes unless she was with me and I was alone. The doctors and such constantly questioned why she never opened her eyes , but once a nurse I was fond of pointed out that Nae Kkum was still a newborn and it was common, they quieted in awkward silence and left it alone. I will always be indebted to her for that…

A few days later I brought her home. My small apartment was not too far from my mother’s. That same night, as I was feeding Cheonsa, a knock came at my door. Thinking it could only be my mom coming to see about my welfare, I opened it.

My heart stuttered.

He gave a small smile.

“Annyeong, Alexandria.”

“O-Onew,” I choked out. “You…what are you doing here?”

“Why else? To see you.” He looked past me to the source of impatient cooing, eyes suddenly giving a faraway look. “And our daughter…”

I don’t know why I instantly moved aside to let him in. My questions came out wavering, yet he went straight to the carrier without answering a single thing. I sighed and closed the door.

He had already lifted her out of the blankets and grabbed the bottle. The smile I’d missed for almost a year spread on his lips as he fed her, somehow more brilliant than it ever had been. “Appa’s here, appa’s here,” he sing-songed gently over and over again to her ling. When she opened her eyes, they swirled and stopped at a sky blue. He only grinned wider, not surprised at all.

“You knew that would happen?” I asked, sitting next to him.

“I did,” he answered vaguely. “She’s perfect.”

I watched him feed her. His hair had grown even longer. He looked more rugged, but in a good way. Tired. Same dark clothes, yet a new style; smelled of electricity and something sweet I couldn’t make out.

“What did you name her?” he asked before I could question his prior whereabouts again.

I immediately brightened. “Nae Kkum,” I said proudly. “I gave her your surname.”

He nodded, obviously pleased, and began to rock her. I heard the frog in his throat when he looked down at her again. “Welcome to the world, Nae Kkum-ah. So lovely, aren’t you?” Then he turned to gaze at me, still talking to our daughter. “You’re my dream too…”

I blushed, then motioned to Cheonsa. “Your daughter is done eating, appa. Time to burp her.”

“Oh, you’re all done already? Good girl.” he took the bottle away and lifted her in the air. His nose nuzzled hers and surprisingly, she smiled back at him with her gums. Her eyes were mint green. He laughed and put her over his shoulder expertly, gently patting her small back.

“I can’t answer all your questions,” he said after a minute, face frowning in concentration. “But I do have a few of my own. Why aren’t you feeding? And what are you doing to protect her?”

“My s are too sensitive and it hurts. So I pump the milk and refrigerate it. As far as protecting her…” I knew exactly what he was talking about. “She pretty much protects herself. Hasn’t opened her eyes for anyone but me and you.”

Onew seemed relieved. “When she gets older, start trying to get her to control it as soon as you can.” A little burp erupted from her as if on cue and her father grinned, putting her face in his again. The resemblance was more than staggering... “All better now? Is my Nae Kkum-ah sleepy?”

We both chuckled when she yawned in reply, squeaking a bit. He planted wet kisses on her cheeks, her forehead, and finally one on her lips. “C’mon, let’s go tuck you in.” I got up and he followed me to the bedroom where her bassinet was. As tenderly as he could, he placed her on her tummy; one hand went to rub her tiny fuzzy head. He kissed it, then pulled the blankets up to her back.

“Saranghae, I love you. Sweet dreams, little Dream,” he whispered. “Appa loves you so much. Please take care of your umma for me…”

I was in a daze at the endearing scene, but that last line jolted me back to reality. Went to face him and he was already regarding me. He sighed, taking my hand. One last lovingly look at Nae Kkum, then he led us out the room to the sofa again.

“She doesn’t cry much,” I started in the sudden silence. I smiled at him. “So don’t worry about any interruptions.”

He tried to return it, but it faltered.

“I’m going back home.”

“Home?”

“I’m moving back to Korea,” he specified. My lips balled in. It didn’t bypass him.

“I have to. I’ve been called.” Onew’s jaw flinched at the last word. His eyes narrowed even more. “My…boss has prohibited me from seeing you. Only because I begged to see my daughter before I left did he let me come tonight…” The sadness of his gaze met my mine. “Even now I can’t stay long…”

“So that night..?”

“Neh…I had to leave. He wouldn’t let me say goodbye.”

I took his hand, already knowing I had too. Funny, I’ve only…been around him like this once and I’m already in tuned to his emotions.

“What if I moved there too?” I muttered with my head low.

From my peripheral vision, I saw him shake his head.  “Too dangerous. I won’t put you or my baby in that kind of situation. Even the Peacemaker has his enemies…”

“You’re both too precious to me,” he continued softly.  “I haven’t had a real family in a really long time…” he then chewed on the inside of his cheek  like he regretted saying that last part and delicately took my chin; I was turned to face him. “How have you been?”

“I’ve….it hasn’t been all that easy, but I’ve held on.”  Then it suddenly occurred to me. Something important that had been bugging me before and during my pregnancy. “Though…I’ve been kinda bothered by my memories…”

“Your memories?”

“Yeah like…before I fell asleep that night, I remembered you telling me that I wouldn’t remember anything-

Alarm danced in his eyes. Unconsciously he grabbed my arm and spoke really fast. “What, did it come back? I made sure to erase it completely, I know I did. Do you remember  anything bad? What…” And before I could tell him to, he stopped, closed his eyes with a deep breath and let me go. His eyes, however, stayed the same. “Does the name “Kwang” ring a bell?” he asked slowly and reluctantly.

“No. Why?”

He sighed. “Alright, nevermind. Forget I even asked.”

“Well, is this Kwang person the reason why there have been gaps in my memories? You were never specific when you said I wouldn’t remember anything-I mean, I clearly remember you. Whenever I try to remember other things, I only see flashes…and they all include you. Never anything around you. No sound, no others, blurry surroundings. In fact, the only scene I remember most of is when I was in the healing room with you.” I wet my lips, biting the inside of them in recollection. “And even then, tiny bits of our conversation were missing. Like watching a scratched DVD. Is this normal?”

“Unfortunately, yes. And I was really supposed to take myself out too…but I couldn’t do that to you and her.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. “As long as you don’t think about it too much, it shouldn’t bother you. Believe me, all I’ve done is for the best,” he whispered in my ear. A chill clambered down my back, much to my embarrassment. But Onew only laughed softly.

“Want to know a secret?”

“Hm?”

“I was able to choose our daughter’s . I made her female because my mother always wanted a girl. Instead she got me.” He chuckled a little louder. It made me smile.

“And what’s wrong with you?”

He pursed his lips as if to ask “are you kidding?”

I giggled, letting my head lie on his shoulder.  Then before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Am I able to have more?”

I was totally serious yet he grinned and turned to look at me. “Of course. You’re completely cured. Why?”

Suddenly he leaned; my back hit the cushion as he hovered over me. “Is that your way of asking me for another one?” he purred, then winked. “We could make one the more fun…I mean right way.”

And he was totally joking…

But my heart was beating fast with us in this position. “We could, couldn’t we?” I said breathlessly.

Our smiles disappeared altogether.

His hand slipped down to clutch my hip; my knee automatically bent and lifted to his touch.

Warm lips crashed against mine within seconds. I grabbed onto the back of his head and moaned into his throat. Before I gave into him entirely, my last least corrupted thought was that his “kiss of life” created just as much magic in my mouth as it did below my navel…

Oops. Did that sound bad too?

*****

It was indescribably silent as he pressed up behind me, buttoning up the rest of my shirt. His warm head rested in the crook of my neck, lips occasionally grazing my neck. As soon as he finished, we just lingered there. He kissed my neck again, this time holding it longer. Then I slowly spun around in his embrace; his hands rested on my waist.

Those pained eyes peered down at me reluctantly.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said softly. He swallowed visibly, eyes reddening. “I’m going to miss both of you.”

I bit my lip and pulled us closer into a hug, squeezing my eyes for dear life as I felt his grip on me tighten. His arms rose up to my back.  My hand cradled the back of his head.  Having never have felt his hair, I marveled at its velvetiness when I it.

My voice muffled into his shoulder. “We’ll miss you too, Jinki oppa.”

Finally pulling away, I caught the playful glint in his eyes.  “I could get used to you calling me that…”

I chuckled, taking his hands and swinging lovingly. He seemed to appreciate the mood lightening gesture for a couple more minutes. Then he drew closer so we had to let our hands go. He took that opportunity to reach into his back pocket and pull out…a gold necklace. At the end of it was a pretty lotus shaped pendant; a locket actually, on closer inspection. He folded it into my hands, took them, and pressed them to his chest, gazing at me earnestly.

“This is for our daughter. So she has something to remember me by…while I’m away.” Onew paused to gather himself together. The way his voice cracked on “away” was numbing me even more.  He sighed deeply. “So she always remembers she has an appa who loves her. When she’s older, make sure she wears it every day. Never lose it. Never forget me…”

His mouth molded onto mine tenderly as soon as he stopped talking. I closed my eyes and sank into paradise again. Only this time, it was so bittersweet. The passion behind his kiss made me dizzy since it went on for a long time, but I didn’t care. My compressed arms and hands were hurting, and I cared even less about that. I just concentrated on him holding me…saying goodbye the best way he knew how. He always knew best, didn’t he…?

Teeth caught my bottom lip reluctantly as we separated, breathing hard.

“Saranghae,” he whispered.

Through blurry eyes I whispered it back in English. I watched him turn and blow a kiss in Nae Kkum’s direction-he slipped out the door without another look behind him, those usually confident, broad shoulders sinking and weakened as if he bore the world on his shoulders.

Then he was gone. Again.

Sniffling, I went to lock the door. When I was seated on the edge of my bed, watching my baby sleep, I held the open locket underneath one of the nightstand lamps. Lee Jinki smiled back at me. My prompt smile back didn’t quite reach my eyes…

And that night, I had a dream. Just like the flashback I had in the doctor’s office all those months ago.

It was Onew-he had his hood up, but I could see his stern face.  He was on Keith’s patio, behind the cold crowd.  I’d just fled back inside. When he moved as if to follow me, all of a sudden a translucent being appeared behind him. The ancient creature’s mustache was long, thin and alabaster white. He was bald at the top. Slender. His eyes were milky and glowing; I could tell they were usually kind but now they were hardened. The mouth at Onew’s ear was even branded into a scowl. In a long lost dialect of Korean, he spoke to the young man harshly. Again, I could understand. And my chest tightened with hurt.

“Don’t you dare Jojeongja-ah!  You know the penalty! You know you’re not supposed to mingle with them in this manner. I tolerated your…infatuation with this human female for long enough and I will not STAND for you to save her!  She’s already lost to us. She’s already begun to distract you from your duty, Jojeongja! Listen to your master, Jojeongja-ah! LISTEN TO ME!”

Onew closed his eyes. He paused and drew his leg back. It seemed as if he’d stay and appease the old spirit.

But then at the last second, he squared his jaw and strode away, leaving his screeching Master in his wake. He didn’t look back. His low voice echoed in my head.

I must.