Sehun remembered.

His lovely smileㅡbrighter than the sun on that one summer. 

“Here.”

A hand extended towards him, a cold canned drink was sitting on the palm. Sehun took the beverage then bowed his head gratefully. His entire face felt hot and he blamed the summer heat at his skin and through the fabric of his P.E uniform shirt.

“Do you want to take a break?”

The other had a similar blush settled high on his cheeks, now that Sehun got to observe closely. Seeing the mischievous smile on the other’s face sparked a thrill of excitement in him. Who knew being in detention could be this fun on his part. He could feel a smile lifting at the corners of his own lips as he followed the other quietly across to where the metal fence stood, separating the school and resident area.

Sehun climbed first, the grass was tickling his bare feet when he came down to the ground. He wiggled his toes and felt the soft, damp soil beneath. The nearest trees posed as some kind of shades from direct sunlight, allowing him a better vision when he looked up at the other on top of the fence.

“Hey!”

The fence rattled as the other started to lose his balance. Sehun panicked, if the teacher got him, they would be dead meat. Most importantly, he would never find out where the other planned to take him to spend the break time. Without thinking, he opened his arms as an offer and yelled to the other, “Jump!”

The other did jump, except when Sehun wasn't ready because his attention was on the fuming man the whole time. He opened his eyes and the weight on top of him was grinningㅡhe tried not to think of how close the other's face was or how red his lips were. They reminded him of cherries. Maybe, they were as sweetㅡhere you go again damn it, Sehun mentally hit himself.

“Do you punks have a death wish?”

“Come on. Run. Run!” The other patted his shoulders before hastily lifting himself off of Sehun. He took the other's extended hand, everything happened in a blur from that point onwards. The next thing he knew, they were running away barefooted from the teacher, laughing under the scorching summer sun with blush high on the bridge of their noses.

“Hey, we forgot our bags!” Sehun managed to get out as clearly as he could while running.

He then turned his head, the smile on the other's face stole his breath more than anything. It was more beautiful than any flowers Sehun had seen in his entire sixteen years of life. It felt as if his entire world had stopped and decided to revolve around the other boy.

At that time, he wished.

He wished that he could tell the other how much he loved that smile and that he wanted it all for himself.

 

-

 

Sehun remembered.

His soft voice carried by the windㅡalways so pleasing.

They came back at night to get their bags and shoes after spending the rest of the afternoon at the sea. It wasn't the first time he'd been to the sea just to watch the sunset but getting to see it with the other was a heart-fluttering first experience. Sehun wouldn't have imagined it happen, not in his wildest dreams.

“So, you're my junior?”

The other said without looking at him. They were sitting on the sand, the waves came to wash their feet and soak their already drying pants. Sehun looked, the other had a soft smile on his face, his hair fluttered in the windㅡthe other was easily the prettiest person he'd ever encountered.

“Yes,” Sehun had said, breathless.

“I'm Kim Minseok. Senior year. Class 2.”

The other told him with a sincere smile and this time, he wasn't looking at the horizon. It was the windㅡhis soft voice was carried by the wind and tickled Sehun's ears. It brought calmness upon him and it was so pleasing that he wanted to record it, just to listen to it on repeat until he falls asleep.

I know , Sehun didn't say it out loud.

“Oh Sehun. Second year. Class 1.”

The walk back to school was long with deliberately slow steps. Even though it was hot during the day, summer night was still cold. His pants had dried out on their own but the cold never left. The other must have felt the same because he started running the remaining distance to the school and Sehun started running to chase him. Their laughter echoed into the night.

By the time they managed to climb into the pool area, Sehun's shirt was soaked with sweat. The pool stayed the same, empty with the cleaning equipment scattered inside it, just like how it was when they left. Their shoes and bags were still there, to his relief. Sehun quickly collected his uniform shirt and sat on the bench to put on his shoes.

“Do you think he'll kill us tomorrow?”

Sehun let out a quiet laugh. “I don't know.”

The other grunted as he tried to get into his shoes with the shoelaces tied. It was cute, Sehun thought to himself as he watched the other in amusement after he was done putting on his own shoes. “Should we skip school tomorrow?” the idea was inevitable, seeing how they didn't know what could happen the next day.

“Should we? Alright.”

The other ended up untying the shoes to put them on properly, unlike him who stepped on the back of the shoes. He was breathless by the time he had packed his uniform, the sweat trickling down his temple twinkled under the moonlight. They're going to skip school tomorrow, Sehun thought eagerly, and maybe he could ask the other to spend time together again. Would that be weird?

“See you!”

Sehun waved and waited until the other had disappeared into a dot at the distance. So, his house was the opposite way. The giddy thoughts wouldn't leave him even until he got home. See you? That didn't necessarily mean tomorrow but he couldn't help thinking about it. But maybe, they would see each other tomorrow, Sehun laughed loudly as he pulled out a uniform shirt from his bag.

He brought home the wrong shirt.

“What is it, Sehun?”

“Nothing, mom!”

“Come down when you're ready to have dinner!”

“Okay, mom!”

 

-

 

Sehun remembered.

His small hands and fingersㅡtracing warmth.

The detention, naturally, was extended. Rather than detention, it felt more like a punishment. They had to attend the summer classes regardless of their grades. While Sehun knew the other was doing just fine, he felt bad that he had to drag the other with him who actually needed the summer classes. Couldn't blame him when algebra was hard.

With the plan to skip school cancelled, Sehun came over to Minseok's classroom during recess to get his shirt and the other made him stay for fate line reading or something like that. He could tell they were all seniors from their physical except for the other, he could be hanging around in the junior's classroom and no one would be able to tell that Minseok was in his senior year.

“Do you want me to read your fate lines for you?”

Sehun was confused at first but he played along when a girl, sitting by the window nodded at him so he took a seat. The other looked excited as he took the uniform shirt away and took his hands in his. Sehun’s hands were engulfed in warmth immediatelyㅡhe felt the heat creeping up his neck as the other traced the fate line on his palm with his little index finger. He just laughed in response whenever his classmates went by to point out the activity.

“Oh, Minseok is really good at it.” A boy classmate said then resumed doing whatever he was doing.

“Don’t you believe it?” the other asked him when he found Sehun was staring.

“I do.”

Of course, that was a lie. Sehun didn’t believe in fortune-telling and it seemed to him that the other was just doing it for fun instead of an actual fortune-telling.

“Your shirt-”

“Sssshhh!”

Sehun quieted down and couldn’t help but stare at how serious the other looked. He traced that striking one fate line on his right palm which he never even bothered to look at before. It became narrower and thinner gradually from the middle part of the palm. He didn’t know what it could mean nor did he wanted to know.

All he could think of at that time was how warm the other’s hands were against his.

 

-

 

Sehun remembered.

His sparkling eyesㅡcontaining so much interest.

Sehun didn’t get to see Minseok a lot during the summer classes because the other always stayed behind an extra hour to study since he was already in his senior year. After the uneventful six weeks of summer classes, came the summer break. They had a week left before school started, Sehun didn’t have particularly anything he wanted to do.

“Hey, I still have your shirt. Do you want to come over and get it?”

His uniform shirt. Good thing was he had a spare and truthfully, Sehun had completely forgotten about it. That day when he visited Minseok in his classroom, he did end up giving back the other’s uniform shirt but he still didn’t get his.

“Was the fate line reading a distraction?” he narrowed his eyes.

The other just gave him a sheepish smile in return. So, it was. Sehun shook his head in amusement when the other took a seat next to him. He didn’t have stay behind on the last day of summer class and it was good to finally be able to talk to the other again after a long whileㅡto hear his pleasing soft voice after a while.

“Well?”

The sky was painted in orange and red on their way home. Home , it felt slightly strange and heart-fluttering to call Minseok’s house home. The other offered his ice lolly when he saw that Sehun had finished eating hisㅡit was refreshing in this weather and he regretted not getting more for the both of them. He took up on the offer without hesitation, leaving the other laughing.

Minseok’s house was full of warmth, just like how the other was. He had some kind of a de ja vu when his mom made him stay for dinner when the plan was only to retrieve his uniform shirt but Sehun didn’t say noㅡhe couldn’t and deep down, he knew he would love to stay even just for a second longer inside the place where Minseok lived.

“Where do you live?”

Sehun looked up from where he was sitting on the other’s bed, his uniform shirt on his lap, it was washed and pressed clean. It smelt like Minseok. Everything in this room smelt like the other, clean and flowery and somehow it reminded him of the other’s personalities that he had come to love so much. His heart ached a bit but it wasn’t enough to kill him, yet.

“District 5. Why?” Sehun said in reply.

The other hummed. He stared at his small figure standing in the middle of the room. They were still in their school uniform, tummy full and only needed to shower before going to bed. “It’s pretty late. Think you might want to sleepover?” he said, beginning to collect a makeshift futon to put on the floor before Sehun could answer.

“Is it okay?”

Minseok blinked at him. “District 5 is pretty far from here. Do you fancy walking alone at night? What if something jumps out of the dark to get you?”

Sehun chuckled and took off his bag. “Alright, if you insist. I just need to make a call to my mom first.”

It was his first visit to Minseok's house and somehow it turned into a full week stay. The next day he came back after packing his clothes and a video game he wanted to try with Minseok. It looked like the other liked to watch animation and read manga, so Sehun also brought some that he wanted to recommend. He could still remember the other’s sparkling eyes as they stared at the collections like it was a treasure.

At one point, Minseok told Sehun how this year, his summer break wasn’t so lonely and that he wanted to thank him for it. He started the summer break as a friendㅡwho got a detention and ran away from it together, so when the other told him they were best of friends, Sehun's heart had never been happier in his life.

But at the end of it, Sehun began to want something more.

 

-

 

Sehun remembered.

His broken voiceㅡthick with sadness.

“You’re going to Seoul?”

It was one night after the exams, a sleepover in Minseok’s house had become a common thing between them. Sehun found a flyer of one of the universities in Seoul which he first thought was a bookmark until it fall out of the book. He felt angry at that time, something he would never imagine he would feel about Minseok, his crushㅡhis first love.

“Yes.”

Sehun went silent when he knew he should’ve wished his best friend a good luck but the protectiveness he felt over the other was overpowering him that he couldn’t let out a word. He felt something burn in his heart and eyes, the thoughts of not being able to see the other were suffocating him. CSAT wasn’t an option for someone like him, he felt completely hopeless that he was mad.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

So, what?

So he could prepare for it? So he could prepare himself to tell the other the truth about his feelings? His mind was raging, it was running a mile a minute. He knew whatever it was he ended up doing, he would never be able to have Minseok for himself. He could never have him as someone he wanted the other to be and it made him mad.

He was mad at himself for making Minseok cry. He didn’t deserve to love Minseok.

“I’m sorry, Sehun… don’t look at me with those eyes. I'm… It's not like you.”

He was mad at himself for not doing anything despite seeing how hard the other was sobbing and telling him with a broken voice to not leave but he ended up leaving anyway, with a heavy heart and a regret of his own for not being able to tell Minseok about his feelings because the way they were now, was perfect or so he thought it was.

It was their first and last fight. Minseok graduated and moved to Seoul to pursue his degree.

 

 

 

 

 

The day went uneventful. Work was stressful as ever but Sehun couldn’t even bring himself to care about it. Even when Jongin, his co-worker, asked him out to drink at the usual place, he didn’t feel as he usually did about getting alcohol in his system. All he wanted to do at the moment was to drown himself in his loneliness, despair and regret.

“Was it illness?”

Junmyeon, Minseok's classmate, shuffled his weight from one feet to another uneasily. A silent ‘yes’.

“How did you get my number?”

Sehun wanted to know.

“From Minseok. He went to visit your parents but found out you don’t live there with them anymore.”

Sehun’s heart ached and now he thought it was enough to kill him. He knew Minseok wouldn’t want that for him so he tried to fight the bad thoughts away as he stared at the picture of him in the frame. It was the Minseok five years ago, he was smiling at Sehun with that boyish smile that he had come to love his entire life.

A tear fell from his eyes and all of a sudden, Sehun’s legs lost the strength to hold his weight. He never wanted to show Minseok this side of himㅡhe never meant to break down in front of him like this but he had no power to make the ache in his heart stop. For the first time in four years, Sehun cried, even if the tears made the open wound in his heart hurt.

He felt a hand squeezed his shoulder, Junmyeon’s hand, before the man left him alone.

“Minseok,” he sobbed, voice broken. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me,”

Minseok was still smiling at him. Sehun wanted to see that smile againㅡhe wanted to caress his cheeks whenever he smiled like that, he wanted to kiss them, he wanted to kiss the pain away but he was too late.

“If you got my number, why didn’t you call me first? At least a message…”

Sehun clutched his chest, the tie was suffocating him. It was silent like it was supposed to, only the sound of him crying echoing around the empty room. It was hard to breathe, the lump inside his throat was beginning to hurt but he couldn’t stop the tears.

“I know, you didn’t have to call me first. I should have done that a long time ago. I should have come to you, Minseok. You have all the rights to hate me. I didn’t-” he choked, “I didn’t deserve you and I also should have done this on the day we were in a detention together,”

Sehun tried his best to inhale. With the support of his arms, though they were shaking, he managed to stand up. He walked closer towards the picture of Minseok and reached out to caress his cheeks and down to his lipsㅡhe closed his eyes, imagining what it would be like if they were real. Memories started rushing back like a flood.

“Your fate line, it indicates a smooth career fortune during the younger days and a worse fortune after the middle age.”

A smooth career during the younger days? Minseok, you know how hopeless I was with my grades but you must be right about the latter.

“Sehun, don’t you think the new evangelion movie was cool?”

It was. I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you that I only started watching the series because of you.

“Let’s go swimming at the sea some other time!”

…

Sehun opened his eyes and more tears streamed down his damp cheeks.

“Sehun, do you know that you’re my best friend?”

“I know, Minseok. Thank you...” he whispered with a sad smile. His heart wouldn’t stop aching, longing for the man he lovedㅡhis first and maybe, last love.

“And I love you.”