Sana and i have been best friends for as long as i can remember.

The first time we met was when i was 6 i think. Our parents are good friends so it’s natural and kind of inevitable for us to be playmates and soon enough, become inseparable best friends.

We clicked right away. We bonded so easily. As if the universe roots for us and want us to be together.

 

Unlike me who has Hana as my sister, Sana doesn’t have any sibling, so again, it’s quite natural and inevitable for me to be that sister figure that she never had for her.

 

I’m her best friend, her sister. But little did i know, i was her first love too.

 

*flashback to when Momo and Sana was 16*

“Oi Momo-chan~~” Sana one day came to my house, loud and energetic as usual but there’s worry in her eyes that she tried to hide from me. Which is weird because one, she almost never look troubled. She’s always so carefree and cheerful. And second, how can she even thought she can fool me? Me being her best friend for years of course can tell right away that she’s indeed not okay despite the facade she put up.

 

“You alright?” I paused the dancing tutorial video that i currently watch and throw aside my phone as i rush toward her, paying my full attention on her.

My right hand automatically search for hers. And once our hands meet, they’re effortlessly intertwine with each other almost immediately. I give her hand a squeeze and wait for her to speak.

 

“I—I..”

 

“Hey.. Relax, Sattang. It’s just me.” I smile at her and use my another free hand to cup her cheek and make her to look at me in the eyes.

 

Those pretty eyes of hers, they look gloomy for the reason that i still can’t figure out. And i hate it.

I hate myself for not knowing how to cheer her up. I feel so helpless and useless.

I hate the fact that those bright eyes lost their usual brightness and playful glint.

I just hate to see her not happy.

 

“Come here you.” In swift motion i pulled her into my embrace and feel her hug me back almost immediately. She buried her nose in the crook of my neck and inhale deeply. It’s ticklish but i won’t complain.

 

“Momo..” Her voice got slightly muffled against my shoulder.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Can we go outside? I think i need some fresh air.” She softly muttered.

 

“Sure thing. Let’s go.” I leaned back, gently breaking our hug so i won’t hurt her in the process because she was totally leaning on me, and stand up first before i open up my palm and offer it for her to hold.

 

She smiles at me with her usual cute-mesmerizing eyesmile, and hold my hand as i pull her up.

 

“Thank you.” She softly said to me. I nodded and tugged her hand that still securely wrapped around mine. “Let’s go.”

 

And we both leave my house and walk toward the nearby park that located only a few meters away from my house, still with our hands connected, holding each other’s loosely at first before she nags at me for not holding her hand properly. And i, being the whipped person i am, mumbled my quick sorry and hold her hand tightly this time.

 

I secretly look at our interlaced hands and smile to myself.

They’re perfectly molded. As always.

 

(In the park)

We both sit next to each other on the long bench with almost no space in between us.

There’s a comfortable silence engulfing us as i look at Sana while Sana keeps looking at the vast sky in front of us.

I know sooner or later she’ll drop the ticking bomb. Bomb that she has been carrying alone on her own and soon she’ll share it with me. And i wouldn’t mind a bit. For her, i’m willing to take the bomb from her hands and run away, carrying it with me if that means she’ll be happy again and safe. She’s that important to me.

 

But sadly, ironically, i’m also carrying a bomb myself and soon i’ll share it with her. I have to.

And i know it will make her sad. But she will understand. I know she will. And her sadness will only be temporary. I just hope she will forgive me.

 

“Momo..” She finally break the silence.

 

“Yes, Sana?” I turned my body to face her and hug my knees as i wait for her to begin her story.

 

“What if i tell you that i’m in love?”

 

“You are???” My eyes widened in surprise.

 

“Yeah.” She’s blindingly smiles at me. They said you’ll become prettier when you’re in love. Maybe that’s true after all.

 

“B-but h-how?! Who??” I unconsciously raised my voice.

 

She did catch me off guard there with her bomb. I mean i was always with her for almost 24/7 and how can i missed that? Missed the thing as big as falling in love with someone. My best friend is falling in love? But with who? How did that happened? There are so many questions running wildly inside my head and my head starts to pound because of that.

My headache only lessened when i feel her soft warm touch on the top of my hand before she’s holding both of my hands in hers.

 

“Hey, now it’s you who’s looking troubled.” She chuckled. Maybe finding the shocked expresion in my face was somewhat funny and entertaining. “What? Did i surprise you too much?” She laughed.

 

“Hell yeah you did!” I confirmed almost immediately which only making her to laugh even louder.

 

“Stop laughing, you meanie!” I slapped her arm, but not too hard of course. “I’m your best friend, aren’t i? Yet i’m clueless as hell.” I frowned. And this time she managed to stop her laugh and looks at me with her soft gaze.

Oh no, don’t look at me like that. You make my stomach churn, Sana.

 

“Oh, Momo.” She suddenly pulled me into a hug and sighed. "You clueless raccoon."

I really can’t decipher what that sigh supposed to mean.

 

She kissed the crown of my head twice, maybe trying to calm me down. But no, i still feel restless.

 

“No wait, Sana-yah.” I cupped her face in my hands, trapping her. “Seriously, who is it? Don’t you think you at least need my approval first before you decided you’re in love with that person? I mean i need to at least check on that person’s family backgroup and friends to make sure they are good for you! What if they’re bad and hurt you??” I just can’t help it. I really can’t. My protectiveness just kick in.

I cherish Sana so much. I won’t let any random jerk or chick to hurt her.

 

“No, she won’t hurt me.” Sana softly whispered as she tightens our already tight hug.

 

Ah, so it’s a she. My heart breaks a little, well maybe not so little, at the new gained fact. Why? Soon you’ll know why.

 

“Why you’re so sure? No, i still need to check on her. Tell me her name.” I insisted.

 

“Her family name is Hirai.”

 

“Okay, Hirai. Wait? What??”

 

“What what?” She innocently asked.

 

“Her family name is Hirai?? For real??” I can feel she nodded against my shoulder.

 

“She has the same family name with me! Are you secretly seeing one of my cousins behind my back?” I immediately broke our hug and look at her with obvious betrayal in my eyes. I’m not faking it. I would really feel betrayed and beyond hurt if she’s indeed do that with one of my cousins.

 

She cutely giggled before she lightly knock my head.

 

“You baka. Of course not. I’m not seeing any of your cousins.” She reassured with a playfulness in her voice. Weirdly, despite her answer that sounds playful to me, i believe her. She’s successfully reassured me this time. Because i can tell from her eyes that she’s indeed telling me the truth.

 

“Okay. Good to know. So what’s her name?” I pried again.

 

“It’s Hirai.. Momo.”

 

“Ah, Hirai Mo—I BEG YOUR PARDON??” This time i almost fall down from the bench where i’m currently sitting at if it’s not for her quick hands that holding me in place just in time.

 

I search for the playfullness in her eyes again, but this time i found nothing. Her eyes looks so sincere. And that’s scared me to the core.

 

No no no.

Please take it back. Tell me you’re just joking, Sana-yah.

Tell me you were just trying to make me laugh.

 So nothing has to changed today.

I can’t.. I really can’t risk it.

I inwardly plead.

 

“I said her name is Hirai Momo.” She said it clearly. She smiles at me as she speaks. But her smile is far from happy. She looks sad. And helpless. Which i think is mirroring mine at the moment.

 

“Sana.. Haha~ You’re just joking right?” I faked a laugh. Why i have to be such a jerk?

 

“I’m not, Momo-yah.” Her voice cracked. And she’s avoiding my eyes now.

“I.. love you.” She whispered out, but loud enough to be heard by me.

How i wish i had at least half of her courage and confidence.

 

“Sana.. i love you too. But i’m afraid y-you’re misunderstanding your feeling.” Again, why i have to be such a heartless jerk? She starts to quietly sobs. See, Momo? You’re making her cry. Good job, you !

 

Please don’t cry, love.  Crying isn’t like you. What the hell did i do?

But i think we should try to tell ourselves a good lie sometimes.

I’m no good for you. You deserve better. Someone who can always stay by your side. Watching over you closely. I wish i could be that person for you.

 

“Hey, baby. Please don’t cry.” I immediately pulled her in for a hug and kiss her hair.

 

How dare i am to call her baby and kiss her after cruelly rejecting her love? Yeah, i’m such a shameless . Why she even love me?

 

“Ssshh. Don’t cry, please? Don’t cry for me. I don’t deserve it.” At least i managed to tell some honesty this time. My true feeling. She really should not cry for me. Her tears are too precious to be shed for someone like me.  A selfish . A true coward. A real big heartless jerk.

 

“I love you.” I whispered into her ear, as if it’s a secret that only her could know. “I always do. But i think it’s a bit too reckles for us to label our feelings now. We’re still so young. We don’t even have any clue about our future. It’s.. just too risky. Too early. You understand what i mean, r-right? You’re my best friend and i don’t want to risk it. I can’t lose my best friend. I’m sorry.” She weakly nodded, but i doubt she really accept it. Because she’s still crying in my embrace. While i can only hold her tight and keep apologizing to her.

 

After some times, she finally able to stop her tears.

 

“Hey, look, i’m really sorry, Sattang. I didn’t mean to make you cry. What should i do to repent my sin to you?”

 

“Love me back, Momo-yah. But you can’t, can you?” Again, she gives me that sad smile again.

 

“Sana..” I’m beyond speechless now. I really don’t want to hurt her even more.

 

“Haha~ No, forget it. I’m fine now.” She smiles widely at me and show her thumbs up.

Don’t Sana-yah.. Don’t smile at me when i know you’re feeling like dying on the inside.

Because i feel it too. It’s killing me. It’s ripping my heart out. I think it’ll be better if i don’t have it. I wish i didn’ have it. My heart is aching so bad right now. My stupid heart is still pounding so hard whenever you’re around. It wants you, too. And yet here i am, pushing you away.

I’m sorry, Sana-yah.

 

You said “i love you.”.

I love you too. But i don’t want to.

 

We can’t be together, Sana. At least not now.

It’ll only hurt you more in the end.

And for that, i’m letting you go.

Until we meet again.

Until i really deserve you.

 

It’s almost dark now but we’re still sitting on the same bench, both feeling tired with the crying and roller coaster ride of emotions that we had today.

She’s resting her head on my shoulder as she’s mindlessly play with my fingers while i put my head to rest on top of hers. The air is becoming a bit chilly but we’re basking in each other warmth.

 

“Sana-yah.. You know that i always dreamed to be an idol right?” She hummed in response.

Of course she knows. In fact she was the first person ever i told my dream about, even before my own parents.

 

“I get accepted to be a trainee in JYP. ent in South Korea. I.. have to move there soon.” There. I finally dropped my bomb.

 

I can feel her body suddenly get tensed. She held her breath. I unconsciously did too.

 

“...  Soon? Like how soon?” I know she tried her best to keep her composure which hurts me even more. I wish she would yell at me or even hit me. That will be less painful if she did that to show her anger and disappoinment at me instead of keeping them all inside of her and keep treating me nicely like this.

 

I inhaled and let out a deep sigh. “Next week. I will leave Japan next week.”

 

Please, yell at me now. Get angry at me. I’m going to leave you behind to chase after my own dream that doesn’t have you in it. You deserve to be angry at me. C’mon, Sana-yah.

 

But she did none of it.

 

She brings my hand up to her lips and gently kiss it before she put them down back to rest on her lap. “When will you come back?”

 

“I don’t know.” I honestly told her. I really don’t know when will i come back to Japan. My journey in Korea to becoming an idol is filled with nothing but uncertainties.   

 

She lifted her head up from my shoulder and look at me with her innocent rounded eyes. “Should i wait for you until you come back, Momo-yah? Or should i go there with you?”

 

And that’s it.

I forcefully pull my hands out of her grip, surprising her.

I used my now free hands to hold her face in place as i dive in to  kiss her deep on her lips. I thought she would slap me but she didn’t. She just closed her eyes and let me to kiss her.

Her hands fall loosely on her side.

Honestly it hurts my pride a bit at the fact that she didn’t kiss me back.

But i guess i deserve it.

 

We kissed for some good time (I don’t know if it was good for her, but it surely was for me). I’m trying to cherish this moment. To remember the shape and the taste of her sweet lips. I know this feeling will forever engraved in me.

 

“Don’t..” I mumbled against her lips with our forehead still touching.

“Don’t wait for me. Don’t go after me either.” We both open our eyes at the same time and look deep into each other’s dark orbs. It’s such a bittersweet feeling for me.

Some fresh hot tears start to fall down from my eyes, i can’t stop it no matter how hard i tried. She gently wiped them away for me.

“If you really want to do me a favor.. Please be happy, Sana-yah. Find your own happiness. And please always remember that i will always rooting for you, praying for you, from wherever i am. And i know this is a selfish request of mine, but please, don’t forget me.” I shamelessly plead.

 

She sighed. A lone tear falls down from her eye.

 

“How can i forget you? I can’t even if i want to.”

 

 

I was her first love. And also her first heartbreak. I figured it out that day.

 

But little did she knows, she was my first love too. And my first heartbreak too.

And she will forever be my ‘the one that got away’.

 

***

 

(Back to present time)

 

I’m 19 years old now.

I still miss Sana every day. I still think of her every night before i go to sleep.

I still can’t completely move on from her. I still love her. Secretly love her. But i get better in handling my painful longing for her each day. I’m a survivor. A fighter.

But i’m not regretting what i did that day. I do regret that our story has to ended with a sad ending even before it started but i’m not regretting for choosing this path for me and her. I believe this is what’s best for us both.

And if we’re indeed destined to be together, i believe fate will bring us back together.

 

Through all these years, nothing’s changed much about me.

Maybe just my body weight. I become skinnier now and my body is more toned with all the hard trainings and strict diets that i had.

***

 

“Good morning.” I greet my seniors, my fellow trainees and trainers that i meet in the hallway. Today i have another dance class to attend.

 

“Morning.” “Morning, Hirai.” “Morning, Momo-yah.” They replied.

 

“Oh, Hirai!” One of my trainers, Mr. Jang, suddenly called out for me. I make an abrupt stop and turn around to face him,

 

“Ne, Jang ssaem?” I asked.

 

“Momo-yah, you’ll have two new roommmates today. Please tidy up your room before they come this evening at 8. I heard they are Japanese too just like you. You must be happy for finally having some Japanese friends. Please help them to adapt, okay?” He told me.

 

“Ah ne, ssaem. Algesseoyo.” I nodded.

 

New friends huh?

***

 

I know Sana is always a stubborn girl. Just like me, she’s a fighter too. I should have seen it coming.

She prove me how strong headed and strong willed she is when she suddenly re-appear in my life without any warns.

 

*knock knock*

 

“Coming.” I half-shouted. I quicken my pace and peek through the door peephole before i open the door.

 

“Annyeonghaseyo.” The long black-haired girl greeted with her strong Japanese accent. She looks a bit cold at first glance, and everything in her screams elegance.

 

“Konnbawa.” I replied in Japanese instead and playfully grinned at my supposed to be new roommate.

 

“Ah right! They told me you’re a Japanese too. Why i even forgot? Gomen ne~” She shyly smiles at me. Cute. She has a cute gummy smile. Well well.. Now she looks less scary.

 

It feels nice to have someone from your country. Where you can finally speak using your mother language again after some years living and speaking in a foreign language.

 

“It’s okay. Daijoubu ne! My name is Momo. Hirai Momo. Nice to meet you.”

 

“Hi, Momo. My name is Myoui Mina. Nice to meet you too. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu~”

 

“Well.. welcome. By the way, i thought there will be two new trainees? Are you alone?” I curiously asked.

 

“Ah no, i have a friend with me. She’s still downstairs. She brings quite a lot carriers and suitcase from Japan so i’ll have to go down and help her again after i bring mine to the room.” Mina explained.

 

“Oh, that’s why. Sure, let’s bring your suitcase inside and i’ll help you two after.”

 

“Thank you, Momo!”

***

 

 

Just few more steps before i reach the 1st floor when my eyes suddenly caught something, or more like someone, and i accidentally missed a step. I almost have an ugly fall if it’s not for my quick reflex and balancing myself in time,

 

“SA--SANA???”

 

“You two know each other??” Mina asked in wonder. She keeps looking back and forth between me and the blonde girl on the stairs below.

 

“Yeah, she’s an old-good friend back in Osaka, Mittan.” Sana cheekily grinned at Mina before she turned to me and locked her eyes with mine. I can only nervously gulped.

It’s crazy. She’s getting even more prettier in those years i didn’t see her.

 

“Hi, it’s been awhile, Momo-chan. How are you?”  The gorgeous blonde that i almost can no longer recognize, mischievously smile, smirking at me.

 

Damn that y smirk of Minatozaki Sana.

Yeah damn her.