For someone who’d been so vehemently against my pursuit for Baekhyun, Wendy did a great job of being my rock when my whole world seemed to have crumbled before my eyes.

After Baekhyun’s confession on Wednesday night, I’d tumbled into bed with my eyes wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling as I tried to make sense of what just happened and how I really felt about it. Wendy realized after fifteen minutes or so that I was abnormally quiet and stiff, a rare occurrence for a person who’s usually always giddy after going out with a certain Byun Baekhyun.

“Hey,” Wendy’s voice was gentle when she emerged from under the blankets, her hand immediately latching onto my outstretched one, “what happened?”

“I…” I struggled to find my voice. My silence seemed to have rung a couple of alarm bells inside Wendy’s mind, because she suddenly sat up from her lying position, her eyes wide and void of any traces of sleep. When her eyes met mine, her gaze immediately softened.

Wendy knew.

“Oh, baby,” her voice was barely audible, careful, “are you okay?”

She reached out to touch my arm. Her touch was gentle, but the look on her eyes showed a look of understanding—as if telling me that she’s going to be there for me, that it’s okay for me to let go.

It’s as if Wendy’s question had broken a dam of sadness inside of me, images of Baekhyun’s stupid smile and his stupid jokes immediately flashing before my eyes as I tried to come up with the proper words to convey what had just happened. It hurt. Baekhyun’s blatant affection for me that ultimately meant nothing to him hurt, even when he didn’t mean to do so when he did what he did.

It’s not like his love for me wasn’t real, it’s just that it wasn’t the kind of affection I’d longed for him to have for me, and somehow it hurt more.

Baekhyun was just being himself, and I’d created this whole other reality inside my mind to entertain my aching heart, hurting myself even more in the end. Wendy was right, and the realization felt like an icy stab through my heart, the coldness and numbness travelling to every other limb slowly but surely from right in the middle of my chest.

It’s funny how you can physically feel heartbreak.

“I’m—” the first choked sob escaped from my mouth right then and there. It’s like my body knew that I’m not okay, and it won’t let me lie to myself even when I wanted to.

Wendy’s arms immediately found its way around my trembling body, and I cried.

***

Junmyeon, being the sweetheart he is, had made me a heartbreak playlist on his Spotify and shared me the link through Kakaotalk the following day.

It’s filled with the cheesiest songs I could ever think of, but it helped.

Wendy had blasted the playlist for a week straight, coddled me like a child and bought me the sweetest chocolates she could find, before thundering into my apartment one Friday morning with a determined look that honestly scared me, yelling on top of her lungs as she kicked down my bedroom door, “If you play “Better in Time” by Leona Lewis one more ing time, I’ll break your speaker to tiny little pieces and force feed you its’ broken parts. I love her, but this is the last day you’ll ever wallow in self-pity like this. Tomorrow, you tell Baekhyun how you feel.”

I’d scrambled out of my bed in panic, running for my speakers before Wendy could touch it, a millisecond too late. She got there first, smiling at me with a sinister look on her face, her fingers turning white from the iron-clad grip she has around my poor JBL speakers.

“Why—why do I have to do that?” I sulked, falling back into my bed in defeat, the thought of talking to Baekhyun making my heart race—and for the first time in a long while, not in a good way.

“Because Baekhyun has even started to text me on why you’ve been so distant this past week, and you should talk to him before he goes crazy and thinks you hate him because you’re homophobic or something,” Wendy deadpanned with both of her hands resting on her hips.

“You’re not my mom,” I protested weakly, “although you’re doing a good job of looking like mine right now.”

Wendy sighed dramatically, her whole body deflating as she exhaled.

“Look, I’m not going to force you into doing something you don’t want to. But trust me when I say it’s going to be better for everyone if you stop hiding your feelings.”

***

My confession, against all the odds of one-sided confessions always going awry, wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

I had expected for Baekhyun to be awkward, or to be put off by my unnecessary honesty, and the last thing I expected was him to envelope me in a bone crushing hug right after I blurted an awkward, stutter-y confession in front of his apartment door because I couldn’t help but get it off my chest the moment my eyes laid upon his face.

A few seconds after he released me, he’d been speechless, but then he started to apologize.

“I’m such a friend,” he’d blurted, looking down at his feet, “you must’ve felt horrible all this time.”

I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was stare at him wordlessly. Out of all the possible scenarios I’d made up in my head leading up to that moment, I’d never made one where Baekhyun apologized to me for simply being him. It made me feel bad for making him feel bad.

“It’s not your fault that I have such a weak heart,” I found myself saying, playing with my fingers.

“Are you saying that I’m not amazing?” Baekhyun joked, kicking the carpet in front of him lightly. He laughed weakly.

I think it was the first time we both found ourselves unable to look at each other in the eye, and I’d hated that I’d been the cause of that.

“Yeah, now that I think of it, my taste in men pretty much ,” I replied softly, punching him lightly on his arm. It made him look up at me, his lips stretched into his trademark rectangular smile, making my heart beat painfully against my chest.

“I’m sorry, munchkin.”

“It’s fine, really, Baek.”

“You’re a lovely person, really—if swung the other way, I’d probably fall head over heels for you. Jongdae thinks you’re hot and awesome and—by the way, it doesn’t mean that I’m not like, head over heels for you—I am, in a friend way, and—” he paused to take a breath, “I’m just making it worse, aren’t I, munchkin?”

I laughed, and somehow, my heart didn’t painfully constrict at the sight of Baekhyun’s pouty face. It’s a start.

“No, no you’re not. I’m flattered that you’d have the hots for me if you were straight. That’s a compliment. I think.” I assured him.

“Okay, good. Do you want to come inside, maybe? It’s a little awkward and cold to be talking in the hallway like this,” Baekhyun sighed in relief, opening the door wider for me to enter his apartment.

I bit my lip. “Not really.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun’s expression fell, but he understood. “Of course, of course. Do you want me to walk you down?”

“I’m fine,” it was horrible to see Baekhyun’s troubled expression, but Wendy had told me to be selfish just this once. So I forced myself to smile at him, and he smiled in return, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Okay, I understand. You’re taking the bus home, right? Text me when you get there?” he looked hopeful, his voice tapering at the end of his question.

“Yeah. Bye, Baek,” my wave was awkward, but thankfully Baekhyun was nice enough to wave back at me like it’s totally normal. As I walked toward the elevator, I couldn’t help but think if anything was going to change between us.

“Hey, munchkin?” Baekhyun called for me after I’d pressed the elevator’s button, his voice nervous.

I turned around to see him still standing on his doorframe, hands clutched into fists inside his hoodie pocket. “Yeah?”

“We can still be friends, right?”

I swallowed a lump in my throat.

“Obviously, stupid.”

***

Baekhyun came out to Jongdae, Sehun, Wendy, and Junmyeon on the first weekend of February, a month after my dreaded heartbreak.

I’d forced Wendy to feign a look of surprise because I couldn’t come clean to Baekhyun that I’d accidentally outed him to my best friend out of guilt, but none of the rest of the bunch really seemed to be surprised—Junmyeon included.

It seemed like his uality was so obvious to everyone else except me, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit that.

Junmyeon, being the awkward turtle he was, had decided that treating everyone for dinner was the best way to make Baekhyun feel welcomed and accepted.

It was weird to see him clap his hands and yell, “Alright then! Good for you, Baek, dinner’s on me for all of us!” right after Baekhyun told everyone that he likes men. There was a beat of silence before Jongdae whistled, and Sehun stood up to get his coat wordlessly.

“Uh, thanks for the free food, hyung,” Baekhyun hesitated, eyes looking for mine warily as he watched everyone semi-ignore him, “but, guys? Is there something I’m missing out on here?”

I could tell by the lilt in his voice that he’s nervous, even when he tried to