/

It’s movie night, their first movie night in a long time, and Joohyun finds it weird that Seungwan isn’t there to fight Sooyoung for that coveted spot by the far end of the couch.

The three other members have already taken their spots—Sooyoung’s sprawled on the couch, her head resting on the arm rest; Seulgi is seated on the floor, a bowl of popcorn at hand, while Yerim is trying to squeeze herself by the solo couch next to the large couch.

Seungwan and Joohyun would always take a seat next to each other on the couch, Sooyoung’s long legs resting on their laps.

Tonight, Seungwan isn’t anywhere to be seen and there’s a strange feeling creeping up Joohyun’s spine as she takes the spot next to Sooyoung who merely looks at her before moving a bit to accommodate her.

“Where’s Seungwan?” she asks, trying to make it sound like it’s not bothering her at all. It was supposed to be movie night, with Seulgi picking the movie they’ll be watching. There should be five of them here.

“She has a date,” Sooyoung responds so casually, letting the t sound of the last word click on her tongue.

Yerim and Seulgi’s attention snap to Sooyoung so fast, Joohyun thinks it might have given them a whiplash.

“What?” Seulgi asks as Yerim mutters, “With who?” almost at the same time.

Joohyun sits there still processing, not really sure how she should feel about it. It’s not that they’re not allowed to date. It’s just that they’re not allowed to get caught.

“I don’t know who it is,” Sooyoung shrugs. She hurls a pillow at Seulgi, “Start the movie, idiot.”

“Okay,” Seulgi nods, giving Sooyoung a look before she grabs the remote of their SmartTV, instantly finding Netflix.

“When did she start talking to this date?” Yerim asks inquires.

Sooyoung shrugs again, “I think they met through a friend.”

Seulgi starts playing the movie she picked and that’s the cue for them to stop asking questions.

It’s a rule they have somehow agreed on without talking about it. Nobody is entitled to know about anybody’s personal lives but somehow, Joohyun expected to be kept on the loop. After all, one’s dating scandal affects them all. A heads up would have been nice.

She didn’t realize how stiff she’s gone until she feels her shoulder slack in defeat. She releases a heavy breath she didn’t realize she’s holding.

So, Seungwan is dating.

She shakes her head at this thought, trying to distract herself from dwelling on it. Through her peripheral, she sees Sooyoung looking at her as if she’s trying to figure her out.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Sooyoung responds, peeling her eyes away from Joohyun and back to the movie they’re watching.

There’s a heavy feeling that settles on Joohyun’s chest.

.

That heavy feeling never really goes away and instead makes a home of Joohyun’s heart.

Some days she thinks it’s not there but she feels it sting every time Seungwan leaves on Thursday nights, and every time she spends Saturday nights someplace else.

Joohyun doesn’t have a name for this feeling. But she knows Seungwan is what causes it.

.

It’s a Friday morning.

Joohyun, fully aware that they all have personal schedules, decides to head to the kitchen to prepare some light meals before everyone gets on their way.

She passes by the living room where Sooyoung and Seungwan already are, lounging on the couch and giggling to themselves. They greet her with quick pleasantries before they turn back to whatever they were looking at on Seungwan’s phone.

Joohyun moves around the kitchen quietly, heart beating against its cage, seeing Seungwan so bright and happy. There’s nothing separating the kitchen and the living room except for the small kitchen bar. So from where Joohyun stands, she can still see her two members giggling at something Joohyun can’t figure out.

“Come on, tell me,” Sooyoung pleads, trying to catch a glimpse of the message displayed on Seungwan’s phone. The shorter girl pulls her phone away from the other girl, clicking a button so it shuts the screen dark.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Seungwan says, a hint of red coloring her cheeks.

“Oh there’s definitely something to tell,” Sooyoung insists laughingly. “I won’t push it for now but I’m glad you’re finally moving on.”

Soon as the words leave Sooyoung’s mouth, Seungwan grabs a pillow and hurls it straight to the other girl’s face, preventing her from saying anything more.

The younger girl merely laughs and mutters a ‘whatever’ before she turns to the TV which Joohyun didn’t even realize has been on all along. Seungwan, on the other hand, is suddenly looking at Joohyun from across the room.

There are questions in her eyes that Joohyun can’t figure out. So she busies herself with the meal instead.

I’m glad you’re finally moving on.

What does that mean?

.

It happens again the following week but it’s different this time.

Joohyun wakes up in the middle of the night feeling a bit thirsty. So she gets up and walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

The house is quiet. So quiet that Joohyun could hear the sound of her own footsteps, padding against the wooden floor. There’s a calmness that comes with it—a calm passiveness that surrounds the house. Maybe this is how hollow emptiness looks like.

Without Yerim and Sooyoung’s constant bickering, or Seulgi’s random dance parties, or the sound of Seungwan’s singing when she thinks no one’s listening in the practice room—home just doesn’t feel like home at all.

Joohyun thinks of ghosts and the way they take up space in abandoned places; when they sit beside loneliness with quiet lingering, hoping for a soul to come in and make sadness their companion. Some days, Joohyun feels like a ghost, existing quietly in her own world; sometimes too lonely to really exist.

As she stands by the kitchen island taking a sip from the glass of water she has on her hand, she glances at the clock. 2:32AM.

Tick tock.

Seungwan instantly crosses her mind. It’s Sunday now and Joohyun is sure she spent the night somewhere. She wonders if Seungwan’s date makes her smile that million-watt smile Joohyun admires so much; if this date knows how to listen when the girl worries too much; or if this date makes the singer laugh until her stomach hurt.

For a moment there, Joohyun wonders who this date is. Is it serious? Is it that serious for their main vocalist to risk going out like this when she knows there are people watching her?

Irene wonders about all these Red Velvet-related worries. Joohyun wonders if Seungwan is happy.

Click. Click.

The sound of the lock clicking interrupts Joohyun’s thoughts. Her eyes turn to the front door and sees a hint of the porch light slithering in through the small gap between the floor and door.  The porch light is motion-sensored. So there’s definitely somebody out there.

She quickly lists every occupant in the house. Sooyoung and Yerim have already arrived. Seulgi never left the house. So that means, it’s—

Seungwan opens and closes the door gently, careful not to make a sound. She’s taken her sneakers off, holding it with one hand as she grips on to her keys on the other. She’s dressed nicely, Joohyun notes; a knee-length black dress making perfect points.

Joohyun doesn’t know when she started noticing how Seungwan dresses.

“Hey,” Joohyun calls out softly.

Seungwan jumps a bit, “Unnie, you startled me.”

A smile graces Joohyun’s face, “You’re home.”

It was a statement but it’s also a question; because it’s late.

(Irene argues that it’s too dangerous to be out on the streets at this hour. Joohyun wonders why she didn’t stay the night at her date’s place.)

“Yeah,” Seungwan nods; and Joohyun can tell she’s trying to cut this conversation short.

But Joohyun has a stubbornness she cannot control. So she prods.

Later, she realizes she shouldn’t have.

“What happened to your date?” she inquires, pulling out that Irene tone she knows Seungwan is familiar with. Right now, she’s being a good leader, a good unnie.

(Joohyun knows this is a lie.)

Seungwan stops on her tracks completely, body going still, but her eyes are locked on Joohyun. She opens to say but no words come out. Joohyun, on the other hand, just watches the younger girl. She’s processing, practicing the words in her head.

Sometimes, it irks her that she knows Seungwan way too much.

“Uhm, change of plans.”

“At two in the morning?”

The other girl nods, shoulders slacking in defeat. For a moment there, Joohyun sees a flash of the girl she knows. Seungwan, who is soft and sweet; who cares a lot; who wears her heart on her sleeve.

That’s only when Joohyun realizes how long it’s been since the last time she’s really seen her. Somewhere amid all the secrecy and the longing glances that never turn into anything—she lost Seungwan. She lost a friend and she’s now looking at somebody she knows only by name but could barely recognize.

There’s a pang of bitterness that creeps up Joohyun’s throat. What happened with the date? Was it so bad that Seungwan felt the need to go home in the wee hours of the night? The protectiveness that comes with the bitterness, she labels as an Irene thing.

The jealousy?

She doesn’t label it. Doesn’t even acknowledge it.

“Plans change like that,” Seungwan settles for this instead.

“Are you okay?”

Seungwan looks away for a split second before she looks back at Joohyun and flashes a sad smile, “I am.”

Joohyun bites her lip, thinking of how to go from here.

“You can tell me, you know.”

A bitter laugh escapes Seungwan’s lips. It stings Joohyun in ways she doesn’t understand. “I think I’ve been telling you for months now. Years, maybe,” the younger girl tells her, eyes laced with so much sadness.

“Telling me what?”

“Everything.”

No one is moving, both girls glued to their places—Joohyun in the kitchen, Seungwan by the door. But there’s a lifetime of words between the two of them, an entire galaxy of actions that need to be taken. It’s weird how Seungwan could be just a few meters away from her but feel so far away, so far out of reach.

They’re not connecting.

(Joohyun is telling her to stay, to try and understand. Irene is telling her to run.)

In that moment, she can’t decide which one she wants to be so she becomes nothing—just a shell of a woman who’s probably hurting her friend and all she does is hurt her more.

“Good night, unnie,” Seungwan mutters, head shaking in disappointment.

“Are you upset with me?” Joohyun asks.

There’s a pause, a split-second pause before the girl’s lips stretch into a thin, half-hearted smile, “I’m trying not to be.”

Seungwan walks to her room then, leaving Joohyun with a half-empty glass of water.

She thinks of ghosts again and thinks it’s so convenient, to stand there and not be seen. Especially when all you want to do is run.

.

There’s an old passage lingering at the back of her mind ever since she heard it a few years ago. It’s in English so she cannot recall exactly how the sentence goes but it’s about truths and how they always come out eventually. It doesn’t really surprise her when the dam breaks one day.

It’s three weeks later; and it’s a Thursday.

She and Seungwan don’t talk about what happened that night (morning?). But she notices that in the last two Thursdays, and the last two Saturdays, Seungwan stayed at home. Sooyoung’s no longer asking her about text messages.

But tonight, it looks like her date is at it again.

Joohyun is sitting by the porch, quietly sipping tea. She’s tired from a full day of rehearsals so she allows herself to bask in the cool and calm of the night. The other girls are resting now.

W