My 8-year-old son sprawled on the white canvas on the floor. He was armed with thick brushes and colour pallet board; he was staring hard at the colours before he started painting. I watched him as he bit his lower lip; full of concentration as he used his imagination to paint whatever he had in mind.

This was his favourite thing to do. He would paint whenever he wanted. But of course, he had some conditions to fulfil – his homework needed to be completed before he could paint.

“I completed my homework at the day care while waiting for Mama to fetch me!”

His eyes sparkled and his smile deepened with two cute dimples on both of his cheeks. He even showed his homework before heading back to his room. Then he would pull out his canvas and picked up his cans of paint. He would stare at those colours before deciding which to mix together.

His eyes; that concentrated look was so similar with his mother. Yes, his birth mother. The one who carried him in her for 9 months and the one who delivered him into this world – his mother who loves him even before he was born. And that same woman who completed my world; who made me smile whenever she called out my name; and the way she touched me so soft and tender; I could never stop falling in love with her.

And I still love her despite 8 years without her by my side. And raising our son alone was heart-wrenching and the most difficult task that I had ever needed to do. Fortunately, my best friends were right by my side as we raised the little one together. But of course, I would prefer her.

I met his mother when I was still in college. She was my junior and we attended the same tutorial. I had no interest in the boys; somehow only girls attracted me. I thought it was weird of me to have such thoughts; well I never acted on my feelings towards the girls anyway.

But not this time. She came to me like a bolt of lightning. She was so beautiful; full of life; playful and laugh so easily. Her small petite frame fit well in my embrace. And I just love holding her in my arms that sometimes annoyed her whenever she needed to paint.

Yes, paint. She loves to paint. Most of the painting on the walls in this house belonged to her. We fell in love; we dated; we hung out together; we had our fights and we shared so many intimate moments that somehow led to the decision of having our son.

He’s a gift to me. A beautiful gift that I could never trade with anything else. We settled down; got married and having a family was the next best thing to do. She wanted to be the one to carry a baby. She wanted to have that feeling of having a baby in her; and I just wanted her. And one day, the good news came.

She was pregnant after multiple attempts via IVF. We were ecstatic and I started to spend more time with her.  First four months were splendid. Of course, she had the worse course of morning sickness and was paralyzed to the bed. She couldn’t even lift her head and if she would, hurricane vomiting would appear. I got worried for her. But she assured that she would be fine.

Things got better and when she was 4 months pregnant, she could finally get out from the bed for the longest time and went on to do our daily stuffs. Her stomach showed a little bump and I would kiss it every single night.

Holding her in my arms; spooning with her back against me – I would massage her little bulge and sometimes I would just tuck her under my chin. Gosh, I could never stop. I just wanted to fall in love with her over and over again.

“Stop being mushy, unnie.”

“I cant help it. You make me.”

“You’re hopeless.”

But she would let me hug her tightly; and she would cling to me every night. One night, we were on the bed; lying side by side. She was staring at me for the longest time before leaning closer for a soft, lingering kiss. I love that.

“You’re so beautiful, Unnie.”

Her sudden confession made me blush.

“You’re even beautiful than me, baby.”

“No, I mean it. And I never regret becoming yours; marrying you and having this baby with you. You completed my world, unnie.”

“Baby, I love you.”

“I love you too, Unnie. I love you so much.”

There was nothing odd about that confession. She has always been that soft, gentle and sweet ever-loving wife. But it never came across my mind that it would be the last time I would hear her confession.

Few months later, she decided to head out to buy some groceries. She would usually wait for me to return but not that day. She went out on her own and I was on the way back home. She was 6 months pregnant and I was excited as we counted down to the day our little one would be born.

I have dreamt of all the things I wanted to do with her; and with our baby. Oh, we never knew the gender. We wanted it to be a surprise. And my wife, she had gotten beautiful as her little bulge grew rounder and rounder. I felt sorry sometimes when she had to manoeuvre around the house with that huge tummy blocking her way. 

And that particular day, I was heading home later than usual. I drove along the highway and made a turn to that familiar road that led to our apartment. She called earlier on; saying that she was heading out for some groceries shopping. I told her to be careful and that I would meet her back at home. We said our loveyous and goodbyes before I head home.

But that day, the once quiet road was crowded. People seemed anxious and one or two of them were crowding over something or someone. I was curious so I parked at one area and got out. Suddenly, my heart felt heavy. I walked over; warily and cautiously. And then I spotted something familiar at the corner of the kerb.

Her watch. The watch I bought for her on her last birthday. It was hers definitely because it was customized, and her name was on the back of the watch. I picked it up; bewildered why it would end up on the road side instead the owner. And then someone from the crowd called out to me.

“Yongsun ah! Come here, hurry! Wheein, Wheein got into an accident!”

My world crashed almost immediately.

-

Wheein was bleeding everywhere; from her nose and . There was a deep gash wound on her forehead and her left arm was fractured. She looked horrible and I was devastated.  I was holding her tightly in my arms; not willing to let her go. The paramedics had to forcefully pushed me away so that they could help Wheein. Still, I refused to let go of her wrist.

“Yongsun ah, let them do their work.”

Moonbyul whispered in my ears; and she gently pulled me away. Why did this happen? Who on earth had the heart to hit a pregnant woman and then flee the scene? What did my wife do to him? I completely lost it and I tried to hit Moonbyul because she wouldn’t let me go when the paramedics rushed Wheein to the hospital.

“Unnie, get hold of yourself! I’ll drive you to the hospital now.”

She pushed me into her car and sped off almost instantly. I couldn’t see things ahead of me; it was just a blurry image as tears clouded my eyes. Moonbyul held my hand and clenched it tightly.

“Moonbyul ah, I cannot live without Wheein.”

“I know. I know that well but you need to hang on for her sake; for your baby’s sake.”

. I forgot about my child; my unborn baby. I was so concerned with Wheein that I have totally forgotten about the baby in her tummy. I felt horrible because I couldn’t shake the thoughts off that I might not only lose my wife; I might lose my baby too.

“No, nobody is going to lose anyone. Please, unnie. You must hold yourself together. Wheein needs you to keep everything together.”

Moonbyul kept reminding me. I appreciate her efforts but I couldn’t keep my thoughts rational. The possibility of losing Wheein was not an illusion. It might happen because Wheein looked really bad.

“Don’t give up, Unnie. Please, let’s not give up too easily now.”

Gosh, I’m holding on. I’m ing holding on, Moonbyul.

-

But things got worse. My mind was in total blank when the doctor declared Wheein’s condition was critical and unstable. She was put in the ICU ward; and my heart was breaking apart to see all these tubes and medical apparatus hooked her up to the life support system.

“Before she was pushed into the emergency room, she whispered that she wants the baby to be kept alive. I know you’re the wife and I need to seek your permission. If you wish to keep this baby, we will put Wheein on the life support system so that your baby can live.”

The doctor waited for my decision. Moonbyul and her girlfriend, Hwasa looked on. Hwasa is Wheein’s best friend and Wheein’s mother was there too. All looked at me; probably wondering what I would do.

“She said she wants this baby?”

“Yes, she wants this baby to live.”

“And if this baby lives, will she live too?”

I know the doctor was conflicted. He couldn’t tell me the truth but I knew better. I just wanted him to tell me that Wheein will be alive if she keeps this baby.

“Wheein’s brain has no activity.  She is close to be declared brain-dead. But she could still breathe on her own for now so let’s hope for a miracle. Maybe if she holds on and the baby’s alive, she might live on.”

“You mean she will live but in a vegetative condition?”

The doctor painfully nodded his head.

“Then keep the baby. Just as long as I can keep Wheein by my side, I’m willing to do anything.”

-

It has been a month since Wheein was hooked up on the life support system. She was breathing on her own, but she just couldn’t come around. And our little one has been growing steadily in her.  I took a sabbatical leave from work; I just couldn’t work when my wife is in the hospital like this.

It took a toll on me, but I kept my spirits high. She might not respond to me but someone else did. Our little one did.  One night, when I was lying next to Wheein; I caressed her big round tummy. Then I spoke softly.

“Little one, please protect your Mommy.”

Then I felt a kick. I was a little stunned but quickly sat up and held Wheein’s tummy. Tears were b in my eyes as I leaned closer and spoke.

“Can you hear me, little one? Did you just respond to me?”

I waited for a few seconds before I felt a kick again. The feeling was overwhelming and I burst into tears. It was a heart-wrenching moment yet I felt consoled. Consoled because my baby heard me. Heart-wrenching because I couldn’t share this moment with Wheein.

“Let’s keep Mommy alive, okay? I cannot live without her, baby. And you need your Mommy. So, let’s just not give up on Mommy, alright?”

The baby kicked again. God, I need to keep myself together. I need to be stronger than this because I have another one to protect – my little one.

-

“Okay, we need to get the baby out now! Wheein’s crashing!”

I stood in disbelief. It was a Sunday afternoon. Everybody was here to visit Wheein. We surrounded Wheein’s bed while talking and laughing just like how we would on every weekend.

It was just a typical day; Wheein was still in deep slumber. But this time around, we spoke about the little one. And I found out his gender.

“We will be having a boy.”

“Oh my god! That’s so cute!”

Hwasa was genuinely happy for me.

“Wheein has always wanted a little boy!”

She added on with a huge smile on her face. Yes, Wheein had mentioned before. She wished we would have a little boy. She said it would be fun to raise a son together. I didn’t care at all. I just wanted to have a family with her – a boy or a girl; it didn’t matter at all.

“Congratulations, Unnie!”

Moonbyul hugged me and Wheein’s mother was in tears of happiness. My parents were there too, and my sister pulled me closer. She hugged me tightly.

“You’re going to be a good mother, Yongsun.”

“I hope so.”

“Don’t worry so much, we will be here to help you.”

I took my time as I scrutinized the faces in the room. They had that smile; a pitiful smile. They were equally devastated as I was, but they could never understand the depths of my pain. How difficult it was to even sleep at night; to even close my eyes for a quick nap – I just couldn’t sleep at all.

I was terrified that if I close my eyes, Wheein’s going to slip away from me. Yet I was grateful to have them with me. They kept me close; and when I needed to lean on, they were there.  Just then, the doctor came in. His name was Dr Kim Taehyung. But the nurses affectionately called him Dr V. He was the youngest yet the most experienced doctor at the hospital. Since he loves children, he chose to become a gynaecologist.

“Wow, everyone’s here today.”

He smiled and the ladies were swooned particularly my sister. I chuckled softly.

“Hi V.”

“Hi Noona.”

We became close friends. Dr V was exceptionally helpful and he had shared with me how to take care of Wheein and updated me on little one’s condition.

“I’m here to check on Wheein and of course, your little boy.”

“Thanks, V.”

“It’s my job actually.”

It was the usual procedure as he checked on Wheein but on this faithful Sunday, things happened. Terrible thing happened and that was the very first time I saw Dr V being nervous. Wheein was crashing. She wasn’t breathing and it happened too suddenly.

“Quick, ER! She’s crashing too fast!”

“What’s happening?”

“Noona, we need to remove the baby. Wheein is not looking good.”

“What do you mean?!”

The nurses were quick to wheeled Wheein to the ER while Dr V held my arms tightly. He looked at me; there was fear.  There was uncertainty. I didn’t like the way he looked at me.

“Noona, listen. I won’t promise that I could save Wheein’s life but I’ll try my very best. But I will keep your baby boy alive just like how Wheein wanted us to do so.”

“Are you saying Wheein might die?”

“There’s a possibility that she might.”

Then he quickly left; leaving me bewildered. Hwasa and Moonbyul were quick to hold me. They wrapped their arms around me tightly. Of course, they heard what Dr V said.

“Unnie, calm down. Don’t give up. Just hang on.”

But how? How would I do so? When I know Wheein may not survive this time around.

-

I waited for hours. I was a in total wreck. I couldn’t think positively.  I was overwhelmed.  It was devastating. If Wheein die, what would there be for me anymore? Suddenly I felt two strong arms enveloped me into a tight embrace. I slowly looked up and tears fell immediately. Wheein’s mother was in front of me; her soft gentle gaze empowered me.

“Omoni..”

“Don’t cry, Yongsun ah.”

“Wheein..”

I couldn’t complete my sentence. She must have felt worst because Wheein is her daughter; her flesh and blood. She might have felt worse. I reciprocated her hug. We just sat there with no words. I don’t think any words can console us now.

Just then, the operating door opened, and Dr V stepped out. He was visibly worn, and he gave me a quick smile before turning around. He took a blue bundle from a nurse behind him and placed the little baby in my arms. I was hypnotized as I looked at the little infant in my arms.

He was so tiny. I was so afraid that I might crush him. And I continued staring at him.

“Here’s your baby boy, Noona. He’s a premature baby but his vitals are all good. He’s doing fine.”

The little one who has his mother’s nose; two dimples on both of his cheeks and his soft black hair – all of them were Wheein’s.  He came from her and he looked exactly like her. I cried immediately when he grasped my index finger in his little fist.

“Hello baby.”

I whispered softly. Then he opened his eyes. He probably couldn’t see yet, but I was comforted by his gesture. It was probably his way of saying “it’s okay, Mama. I’m here.” He didn’t cry at all.

“How’s Wheein?”

I asked.

“Wheein’s in coma. Her blood pressure was too low earlier on and your baby’s vitals were bad. I had to remove him but I was afraid that I might lose Wheein in the process. Wheein almost stopped breathing and she crashed within seconds but I got her back.”

My heart ached. It wasn’t easy to hear all this from someone who almost lost Wheein but she was thankful because he was the same reason why Wheein was still alive and my son alive.

“I would like to give credit to your little baby.”

He glanced down and gently caressed my son’s cheek with his index finger.

“He held on to his Mommy. He refused to give up. Wheein was crashing and I was administering CPR on her. Then the nurse stood next to Wheein with your baby in her arms. She put him next to Wheein. He started whining and miraculously, Wheein’s heart started beating again.”

My breath stopped for a second as I cuddled my little hero closer to me.

“He must have told his Mommy, he’s here and he’s not going to let her go.”

God, I cried like hell.

-

I named him Levi. It was Wheein’s choice if the baby is a boy.

“Unnie! Can we name our baby Levi if it is a boy? And if it’s a girl, I want to name her Laura.”

“Sure, we will name our baby any way you like.”

“Levi Jung.”

That’s how he got his name. Levi Jung. Just Levi with no Korean name. I thought it would be easy for us to remember. He was an instant hit; a heartbreaker with the ladies in the ward now. My parents fell in love with him; Wheein’s mother declared she was going to build him a house so that he can live there when he’s older and my two friends, Moonbyul and Hwasa bought him with so many gifts that I couldn’t even find the floor of his bedroom at our apartment.

Everyone was excited with his arrival. And he was so tiny that he wasn’t allowed to return home just yet. I had to ferry myself between the nursery and the ICU ward where Wheein was still in deep slumber. Even thought Dr V managed to revive her, Wheein remained comatose. There was activity in her brain but for some reason, Wheein was still unconscious.

With Moonbyul and Hwasa at the nursery, I made my way to Wheein. I sat next to her; taking her hand into mine and I stared at her pale face. She has lost weight; her cheeks shrunk, and her lips were dry. I wondered if Wheein hates me for not being with her on the day of the accident. She probably waited too long for me to return home and had to head out all by herself.

I should have gone home earlier but I had to settle some urgent documents. I regretted that decision. If only I was with her and this wouldn’t happen. We would probably spend our time together with Levi.

Levi. Our baby boy. He’s a tiny replica of Wheein. His eyes, his lips, his nose, the shape of his face – all were just a stamp copy of Wheein. Wheein would be really fascinated to find a tiny person who has everything of her.

“Wheein ah, can you hear me?”

My voice was soft and almost desperate. I was. I was desperately wanting to hear her voice; calling out my name once again. It had been too long since I heard her voice. And her voice was what I wanted to hear at that moment.

“Are you angry with me? Because I returned home late? If not for me, you wouldn’t have to go out on your own and getting the groceries yourself. Then you wouldn’t get into this horrible accident. It was all my fault, Wheein ah.”

I blamed myself for her plight. I should have been her hero; protecting her. But I wasn’t and I didn’t. It was the biggest regret of my lifetime.

“When will you be coming home, Wheein ah? I’m still waiting. Levi is waiting for his Mommy to take him home.”

She was still not responding. And I was getting restless. I wasn’t too sure how long more I could be waiting like this. I felt like dying.

But I knew I can’t.

“Wake up soon, baby. Levi needs you. I need you.”

My voice quivered as tears fell from the corner of my eyes. I just couldn’t be the same Yongsun again. Not without Wheein.

-

Levi was strong enough to return home. Dr V was really pleased with Levi’s steady progress. He called Levi a miracle baby.

“Not many babies can survive when their mothers in a coma. Most babies die even before they were born. But not this little one. He’s a fighter.”

I smiled proudly. Yes, Levi was a fighter. He’s my little soldier. It was a huge relief when his weight started to grow. At birth, he was 1.9kg. Now, he weighed 3.4kg and was given the green light to go home. Moonbyul and Hwasa were there for me yet again. They have always been there and I was thankful for their presence in my life.

“Don’t be silly. We are in this together. Levi is our god-son now. So, he’s our responsibility too.”

“Yeah, don’t worry so much Unnie. We will look after him for you so that you can concentrate on Wheeinie.”

I nodded and then picked up the little one in my arms. He was heavier than before. It was much more fun to cuddle and squeeze him when he’s such a bubbly baby now. He was such an active 2-month-old baby. He kept kicking Moonbyul while the woman tried to bundle him like burrito.

“Ah yah! Keep your legs still!”

“He’s really long.”

“That’s weird. Wheein is short.”

“Maybe his Daddy is tall.”

Hwasa and Moonbyul were debating among themselves. I looked at them with a smile on my face. Yeah, the donor is a tall, smart and handsome man. Well, from the photo, he seemed to be a good package.

“We saw his profile. The donor is about 1.9m tall.”

I added on.

“Wheein chose that guy because of his height, didn’t she?”

Hwasa was teasing.

“Not really. We chose him because he is a rocket scientist.”

Moonbyul rolled her eyes while Hwasa was bewildered.

“You chose a man with good brains and great height?”

“Of course, we need to choose the best!”

“But he has Wheein’s looks.”

“That’s why I’m even thankful that he does. He looks like his Mommy.”

“This boy can really kick.”

“Ya~ can you stop kicking your Godma?!”

But Levi was undaunted. He had an impish smile on his face as his legs frantically kicking around much to Moonbyul’s dismay. She finally got him and tucked him neatly like a burrito. And Levi didn’t fight that much. He still has that smile on his face.

“Gee, you really know your way around women, don’t you? You’re such a cute little imp!”

I looked on as Moonbyul gathered him her arms and Hwasa was playing peekaboo with him. And Levi rewarded them with a smile and a little laugh.  We took Levi home and my family were waiting at home. My mother in law was there too. All were waiting for Levi.

“Levi’s home!”

My mother was calling out to my mother in law and the two women took the baby from me. This boy was going to be pampered by both his grandmothers. They were fussing over him; treating him like a prince.

I watched as my friends and my family surrounded Levi. Levi would be in good hands of my family and friends who love him so dearly. They were probably taking a pity on him because his mother was not going to be here for him. And I wasn’t too sure if I could raise him by myself. I sat on the sofa; looking on. Laughter, happiness and joy were there in the presence of my family but I felt empty. I felt lost; I felt isolated. I couldn’t find my old self where optimistic Yongsun was at the best.

I lost myself since Wheein left my side. Tears filled my eyes; I should be happy. I should be rejoicing because I have Levi now. But it didn’t feel anything because the one I wanted the most; at this very moment was just her, she by the name of Jung Wheein.

“Unnie, why are you sitting here alone?”

I looked up; Moonbyul was staring at me. She was kneeling in front of me; her fingers wiped away those fallen tears from the corner of my eyes.

“Nothing, I’m just happy to see Levi home.”

“Don’t lie to me, Yongsun. You want Wheein home too, right?”

“But I can’t, Moonbyul. She’s probably not coming home ever.”

Moonbyul didn’t say anything. I guess she knew it was the truth and it hurt. It wasn’t only hurting me; it hurt my family and friends too. She just pulled me closer and hugged me tightly.

“Don’t worry about the future. We will help you to raise Levi together. But let’s not give up on Wheein either. She will come home one day. Trust me.”

“How long do I have to wait, Moonbyul ah? I don’t think I can live another day without her.”

Again, she didn’t reply. Nobody could.

“Cry. Just cry it out. My shoulders are here for you.”

And I did.

-

“Is Yongsun unnie feeling better?”

I could hear voices above me. But my head was so heavy that I couldn’t lift it up. I couldn’t even open my eyes; it felt treacherous to do so.

“Let her sleep. She has been working and then staying up overnight to look after Levi. I think it’s taking a toll on her.”

I couldn’t recognize the voices. And I felt like a huge rock sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe either.

“Here, you take Levi with you. I will look after Unnie.”

“Are you sure, Hwasa?”

“I want to take care of her on behalf of Wheein. I feel so upset seeing her like this.”

“Okay, I will take Levi with me. Wheein’s mother has cooked some porridge for her. And her mother has left some soup on the stove. I will heat them up.”

“Hmm. Go on. I will look after her.”

Then I felt someone lifted me up and gently laid me on something soft. My heavy head was placed on someone’s lap. Then fingers gently caressed the sides of my forehead. I closed my eyes once again.

“Get well soon, Yongsun unnie.”

-

I was sitting on the dining table when someone walked in through my front door. I looked up and smiled when I realized the person was Hwasa.

“Oh, you’re awake!”

“You looked after me last night, right?”

“You slept like a log, Unnie.”

“I was so tired.”

“I know. Here, eat something. I cooked specially for you.”

Hwasa placed the food tub on my table and my mouth was salivating. She cooked my favourite tteokbokki.

“Wow, this taste good.”

I popped one into my mouth and it tasted heavenly delicious. Hwasa had always been the best cook among us.

“Where’s my son, btw? I woke up and he was nowhere in sight.”

I know someone took him.  But I just didn’t know who. Yet I didn’t feel alarmed because my family and friends often took Levi with them whenever I was busy.

“He was kidnapped by Moonbyul unnie yesterday and then your sister came by her house this morning and took Levi with her. Everyone is doing their part in looking after Levi. So, don’t worry and just get well first. Once you’re feeling a lot better, we will send Levi back to you.”

Hwasa was settling down beside me. She cooked up something and just wanted to make sure that I eat something. When I called in to office early this morning, I realized my manager has granted me a week’s leave. I didn’t even ask for it.

“No, you stay at home and rest. I will take over your work for the time being. You need rest for god sake. And you’re going through a difficult time. Don’t worry so much about office work.”

Changsub was my uni mate and now my manager. He took care of me often and I was so thankful that he’s understanding with my predicament.

“Take good care of yourself so that you can take care of Levi and Wheein. So, don’t think too much. Get your health back and then come talk to me.”

Everybody was looking out for me. Everybody was worried about me.

But I’m trying my best to be the same. Yet I couldn’t promise myself that I will recover from this pain one day.

“Wheein ah, help me.”