»»————-　♡　————-««

They call it falling in love because when you realized that you truly love someone, it hurts.

It’s like having the person you love have their hands around your heart and tugging gently yet mercilessly and it hurts so goddamn much it spreads to your entire chest and envelops your entire being.

Just being around them makes you breathe like it’s the first time you ever took a breath and you’re greedy for that feeling all the time.

Junhui can attest to that.

The first time Junhui realizes that he was in love with Minghao was just a spontaneous thought.

It was just a normal day of choreo and recording, with some of the group off to recording and some practicing the dances.

The younger Chinese was sitting on the floor of the studio resting with some of the other members while talking casually. Junhui, Vernon, Mingyu, and Joshua were standing together and chatting idly as well. Without meaning to, Jun’s gaze drew back to Minghao, watching as the latter listened to some joke Seokmin threw out in the conversation.

What was supposed to be an absent glance turned into a full-blown stare as Junhui watched in fascination as Minghao’s lips turned upwards in his laughter, causing his dimples to appear and his eyes to turn into pretty crescents, nose scrunching adorably.

Not to mention the beautiful sound of Minghao’s giggles that followed, putting Junhui in a trance, making him staring dumbly in the direction.

Junhui had to snap back to reality though, as Seungkwan’s hand was waving in front of his face.

“Hellooo, is Moon Junhwi in there? Houston I think he’s dead.”

Junhui had impatiently brushed off Seungkwan’s hand away, replying with a sassy, “Sorry to ruin your hopes but no, I’m still alive.”

Mingyu and Vernon had laughed at Kwan’s indignant expression but Junhui had his attention back on Minghao, who was still smiling and giggling.

At that moment, Junhui couldn’t help thinking how beautiful Minghao really was. Right after that, Jun realized with a jolt that he was probably in love with Xu Minghao.

»»————-　♡　————-««

The first time Junhui realizes jealousy is in a fraction of a second. It wasn’t the type of jealousy that is envious of someone else’s ability per se. It wasn’t brief and subtle and brooding.

No, this was a hard and hot flash of lightning that bolted through his body.

It made him bite his lip in stress before gritting his teeth so hard he could’ve sworn they cracked.

Junhui had been engaged with a conversation with Minghao when the younger suddenly broke off because Mingyu had suddenly pulled Minghao away to excitedly gush about something.

Minghao had called back a rushed goodbye as Mingyu was harrying him away, but his voice was full of laughter when he turned back to Mingyu and gave a quip that made Mingyu push him playfully.

Eyes on their receding backs, Junhui watched as him and Mingyu bantered easily.

That’s when the hot bolt of envy flashed through his body.

Surprised, he turned around to consider what just happened. Or maybe because it couldn’t stand the sight of the two of them together. He didn’t know himself.

Was he… was he jealous?

No that’s not possible, it wasn’t like Minghao was his boyfriend or anything, he thought. Perhaps bitterly.

But why did it make him so envious of Mingyu when he made Minghao laugh? When Minghao approached Gyu before him?

When Minghao leaned his head on Mingyu’s shoulder?

He brushed it off as just a thing that occured that one time.

But that hot flash would come back time and time again, every time Jun wasn’t the one touching Minghao.

• »»————-　♡　————-««

The first time Junhui experienced heartbreak was hard. To put simply. He didn’t have any other way of describing it.

He and Minghao would always have this dinner with the two of them, which happened every month on a certain day. Specifically the 10th of every month.

No they weren’t dates, but Junhui sometimes wished they were.

He shook his head.

Wishful thinking. That’s all.

They hadn’t done one in a long while, so he had approached Minghao to confirm if he was free later the night and that he could spare some time to eat together.

Junhui had assumed without asking that because it was the 10th Minghao would be free.

Minghao had looked away from the painting he was doing, frowning.

“Junhui I’m sorry, but I already had plans with Mingyu tonight.” He had said apologetically.

“O-oh, that’s fine, we can schedule some other time.”  

Exactly 4 months ago, Minghao had said he was busy. Exactly 3 months ago, Minghao had said he was tired. Exactly 2 months ago Minghao had said he was sick. Exactly a month ago, Minghao had said he had dinner with Mingyu, DK, Seungkwan, and Soonyoung.

Each time making Junhui’s heart crack a little.

It was probably just the unfortunate timing, but Minghao had always reserved those days for them.

Was it because Minghao just didn’t like him and was trying to give him a hint to stop? Was it because Minghao didn’t see Junhui as his anchor anymore?

This time, he felt his heart give another crack, seemingly more final than the last.

He should’ve really took his heart and turned around while he still could. But he persists not 3, but 4 more times, because he’s so damn pathetic when it comes to Xu Minghao.

Junhui stops asking Minghao out to dinner after the 8th time.

His heart shatters into a million pieces.

Minghao doesn’t even look up when it does.  

»»————-　♡　————-««

The first time Junhui feels hope was when Minghao had slumped next to him on the couch one day.

Minghao wasn’t one for affection, but that particular day was when something changed.

Junhui was preoccupied at the moment since he was watching a Chinese movie on his laptop called Love Without Words, but as soon as he felt Minghao on the couch with him, he moved over so the younger could see.

It was about a crippled old man named Yu who became bitter as he could not travel to the village to work anymore. But one day, after a friend of his dropped off a box full of food for the month, he discovers a Labrador puppy in the box. The Labrador puppy had escaped from a butcher shop, jumping into a box to hide. The boxes had messed up, and the old man had gotten the pup as a result. Angry, Yu scorns the dog, even though the poor thing doesn’t even do anything. The next day the friend comes back to discover the dog. He decides that the old man should keep the dog, as it might benefit the both of them. Scoffing, Yu decides to name the dog Twit. But later that night, the old man’s candles had blown over due to the wind, and his newspapers catch on fire. Twit wakes up and begins barking, waking the man up. The old man puts out the fire, and gains respect for the pup. The two get closer, until one day the man wants to go to the village, energized. He decides to leave on his wheelchair, telling Twit to stay home However he had forgot about the bridge that sloped up. Twit apparently follows him, and the old man gets the idea to have Twit pull a rope attached to the wheelchair. They go to the village together for the following months and life is happy. Until one day, the Yu’s daughter gets into an accident, and he has no money to pay for an operation. He and Twit go to the village, when a young man approaches the elder. He offers to pay the old man for Twit, as he specialized in dogs. It was enough money for his daughter’s operation, and the Yu, seeing that Twit would probably have a better life with the young man, agrees. Twit goes with the young man into the city, barking in confusion as the car pulls farther away from the old man. Several weeks later, both are depressed, until Twit makes up his mind to run away back to the country to be with the old man. He runs into a few stray dogs and fights them over scraps. Wounded and hungry, Twit continues on his way to the old man, until finally, one day, when Yu was outside, he hears barking. Happily reunited, the old man and Twit spend the day together. But the next morning, when Yu wakes up, he cannot find Twit at the bottom of his bed, where the dog usually sleeps. He wheels out to find Twit, but when he does, he finds Twit at the bottom of the sloped bridge, dead from the infection in the wound. Yu mourns Twit, until one day the same young man that had bought Twit gives the old man a puppy, a son of Twit’s. The movie ends with the showing of the real old man Yu and Twit’s son visiting the wall of China, as it had been a dream of Yu’s.

As the movie progressed, Minghao had scooted closer and closer until he practically glued to the elder’s side, grabbing Junhui’s hand in anticipation to see what would happen next.

Junhui was weeping by the end of the movie, but when he turned to look at Minghao, the younger was outright sobbing, snot-nosed and all.

After they had recovered from the movie, Junhui teasingly poked Minghao to ask why he was crying.

Minghao had answered after laughing a little bit. “Because I know what it’s like to have unconditional love. Like that dog if I was taken away from the person I loved I would move mountains to be with them. Even though I can’t show it verbally, I would do so with my actions. I would save them from any harm to come their way. I don’t care if I get hurt. I just want them to always remain happy.”

At that last sentence, Minghao had made eye contact with Junhui.

Junhui could only meet Minghao’s sparkling gaze, heart thumping in his chest as the younger held it for a few seconds, before resting his head on Junhui’s shoulder and nuzzling even closer.  

Junhui wrapped an arm around Minghao and before he could stop himself, kissed the younger on the forehead. He panicked a little afterward about Minghao’s reaction to that, but he didn’t need to worry.

Minghao had not pulled away, contrary to Junhui’s thought.

Instead, he had sighed and closed his eyes, letting Junhui brush through his hair comfortingly. Junhui thanks God that Minghao’s head was on his shoulder rather than his chest, because if it was, the younger would be able to feel how fast his heart was beating, tentative hope flooding through his bloodstream.    

Minghao lets Junhui hold him more after that.

»»————-　♡　————-««

Junhui was definitely in love with Xu Minghao.

Ever since he made that revelation, he couldn’t stop noticing the little things the younger Chinese did.

The way the Minghao smiled, revealing those dimples Junhui wanted to pinch and coo at if the former would let him. The way Minghao laughed, giggles spilling like a river out of his mouth and sounding like beautiful melody to Junhui’s ears. The way Minghao rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation but always had that hint of affection whenever Junhui made a pun or said a pick-up line.

...

The way Minghao would put too much pressure on himself, always going over the choreography, once, twice, thrice, a thousand times, only to go right back at it the next day, even when Junhui and everyone else advised against it. The way Minghao would sigh warily and push a hand through his hair when he’s stressed, puffing out his cheeks before exhaling loudly and shakily. The way Minghao would clench his fists and bite his lip when his emotions got the better of him, curling in on himself like a turtle into its shell.

Junhui would give anything to save Minghao from all this unnecessary pain. Minghao truly deserved everything in this world and he’ll be damned if he thought otherwise.

Junhui truly didn’t understand why Minghao didn’t see that everything about him was beautiful and perfect.

But what he did understand was that underneath all those tough outer layers hides a glass heart.

Minghao’s pillow wasn’t the only one to know the tears that were shed in the dead of night.

»»————-　♡　————-««

It’s been 2 years since Junhui realized that he was in love with Xu Minghao.

It’s amazing he doesn’t crack underneath it all.

But for Minghao, he would do anything. Even if it meant letting the younger be happy with someone else.

Love is so difficult, but it’s such a beautiful thing. It makes us do incredible things for the person we hold dear.

It just hurts when that love is not returned the way you want it to be.  

Junhui starts to avoid Minghao in hopes that he doesn’t suffer any more heartache.

Even though he knows that it’ll only make it worse.

Minghao begins to take notice after a week of Junhui not speaking to him.

»»————-　♡　————-««

2 weeks later, Junhui is still going out of his way to avoid Minghao at all costs.

Minghao is saddened and confused as to why the elder is not talking to him anymore.

He begins to get angry.

»»————-　♡　————-««

The first time Junhui confesses is unexpected.  

Minghao corners Junhui one day, desperate for answers and hoping to get them peacefully.

It doesn’t happen that way.

He and Minghao begin to get locked in a heated argument, raised voices alarming the other members, signifying them to leave the two alone to sort it out themselves.

“Why are you like this?!” Minghao asks.

“I can’t tell you!” Junhui yells, because he is stubborn and holding on to the relationship that was sure to break either way.

“I can help you!”

“You can’t! It can’t be helped!”

“Just tell me what’s wrong!”

“Leave me alone Minghao!”

“No!”

“ off!”

They begin cursing at each other in Chinese, both throats constricted and tears threatening to overflow.

“You are literally the most ing difficult person to ever exist!” Minghao is beginning to get fed up trying to reach Junhui.

“Good! Just ing go away then!” Junhui sobs.

They stop, chests heaving for breath.

The silence is only broken by the sounds of roaring in their eardrums.

Minghao tries to not suffocate, choking on held back tears.

“Fine…”

Minghao turns to leave.

Junhui lets go.

“I’m in love with you, you idiot.”

Minghao whirls around.

Junhui slumps to the ground, hands clutched at his heart.

“W-what?” Minghao whispers, wide eyes never leaving Junhui’s trembling frame.

Junhui completely lets go.

“I… I’m so in love with you Xu Minghao. I’ve loved you for the past 2 years. And I know you don’t feel the same way. And it hurts so much whenever I can’t touch you the way I want to. Seeing you happy with someone that’s not me and I’m so selfish for thinking that way and I’m sorry. You just deserve the best of everything because you’re the most beautiful person in the world both inside and out and you’re so perfect and I’m sorry I did this to you and I’m sorry for everything...”

Junhui stops his babbling because it’s too much and he chokes up.

He hiccups at the floor, because through that entire time he’s been staring at it.

Minghao’s knees appear in his vision, and Junhui lifts his head to see that the younger has sat down in front of him.

With trembling hands, Minghao reaches out to cup Junhui’s face and wipe away the tears streaming down in rivulets.

“You really are an idiot,” Minghao whispers, before pressing his lips onto Junhui’s.

Junhui’s eyes widened with shock, his brain taking 3 seconds to register before coming back to his senses.

His eyelids slid shut, and he sobbed against the kiss before pressing back, arms going to the younger’s waist.

It was almost funny how much their bodies and mouths fit together, almost as if they had been made for each other the entire time, like lost puzzle pieces found.

Junhui didn’t notice that he had slowly pushed Minghao onto the floor until they had broken away to some air into their burning lungs.

Minghao had his hands tangled in Junhui’s soft hair, while Junhui’s were braced against the floor to prop himself above Minghao, the rest of his body in between Minghao’s legs.

They blushed when they noticed their rather intimate position, but they were grinning like the fools they were in love.

“S-so… I’m guessing you love me back?” Jun asked, looking mischievously down at the younger.

“As if that kiss wasn’t enough proof,” Minghao responded, rolling his eyes before smiling that shy smile that drove Junhui insane.

“No, it wasn’t. Give me another,” Junhui pouted, causing Minghao to giggle before pulling Junhui down again to grant his wish.

»»————-　♡　————-««

It has been 3 years since the first time Junhui realized he was in love with Minghao.

But it has been 5 years since the first time Minghao realized he was in love with Junhui.