the way seunghyun looks at his hyung -- in awe and respect and wonder and amazement -- the way he does it, you'd almost think he liked him, romantically.

but he doesn't, he swears. song seunghyun is very much not gay. he likes girls, and girls only. always have, always will. girls are cute, and hongki-hyung is decidedly not.

except, of course, when he is.

like that one time, when he drank too much and grabbed seunghyun's hands and dragged him out to the middle of the dance floor and laughed like the world was ending and danced like it too.

or that time when he stumbled into the practice room late at night, tired in a way that seunghyun had never seen, and collapsed into his arms.

or that once, when seunghyun called him drunk and he came to pick him up and they talked for hours and then he dragged him into bed and they slept until noon the next day.

yeah, hongki-hyung is pretty cute. or maybe he's just plain nice. but minhwan says that hongki-hyung never drags him out onto the dance floor. he says that hyung's never even offered to pick him up from the bar, but seunghyun knows that it's just because hyung knows that minhwan's responsible.

but even jaejin-hyung says that he's never seen hongki break down before, and seunghyun most definitely has.

it was one time, where hongki-hyung stayed overnight in his studio and slept zero hours and came to practice the next day pissy and on the verge of tears. after practice, he just sat down on the ground and stared at the floor for a good five minutes. seunghyun stayed behind, mostly because he had to pack up but also because he wanted to be there for his hyung in case he wanted to talk.

and he did talk. he said that he was going to pass out, and then he did. on the floor. the wooden floor. seunghyun screamed, and hongki-hyung woke right back up. he apologized as seunghyun clutched onto his shoulders and asked him if everything was okay and looked into seunghyun's eyes and said no.

seunghyun held him, sitting on the cold wooden floor, as he broke down, sobbed into the crook of seunghyun's neck about the pressure he was under and the things he had to deal with and this ing mess of a company and all seunghyun could do was hold him tight. all he could do was close his eyes and let his hyung talk and talk and talk and cry and hurt and hurt with him but he couldn't help.

he couldn't do anything to help, and it hurt so badly, but he didn't know what to do except comb his fingers through his hyung's hair and tell him it's okay you have me i know i know i'm sorry i'm here i'll always be. but hongki-hyung only cried harder and clung onto him tighter and seunghyun wished he could take his pain away.

hongki-hyung fell asleep shortly after that. he'd cried all his tears dry and promptly passed out again, this time on seunghyun's shoulder. seunghyun doesn't remember how he moved to the couch, only that he woke up the next morning to aoa's screams, a crick in his neck and hongki-hyung still pressed to his side.

hongki-hyung's not that cute, seunghyun decides. but he's real and he's human and he's his oldest hyung and he takes care of him like he's still a baby and seunghyun loves him for that.

like that time, before he was even part of ftisland, when seunghyun got in trouble at school, hongki-hyung was the one who stood out to defend him.

like when seunghyun did end up joining ftisland and hongki-hyung was the only one who was nice to him, except for the thing with the underwear.

or like that time, when seunghyun got so drunk that he couldn't even remember his own address and gave hongki-hyung's and the driver took him there and seunghyun stumbled up to hongki-hyung's door and he opened the door half-asleep and took one look at seunghyun and his eyes widened and he let seunghyun sleep in his own bed and the next morning made him hangover soup and hongki-hyung never cooks.

yeah, seunghyun loves his hongki-hyung. but he's not gay for him, definitely not. everyone knows that song seunghyun likes girls. that's why he doesn't like doing skinship with s, any of them, especially hongki-hyung.

hongki-hyung is affectionate, and sometimes it makes seunghyun uncomfortable. hongki-hyung likes to touch people, likes feeling the warmth of their muscles through their clothes, likes the sheer feel of their existences, just likes to touch them.

seunghyun is unfortunately not that kind of person, and when he feels hongki-hyung's hand on his leg, covering his entire thigh with his hand, squeezing it like it's a goddamn stress ball, or just rubbing up and down like seunghyun's supposed to put up with that, or grabbing his hand and playing with his fingers because they're long and hongki-hyung loves them, or laughing too hard and falling against seunghyun and entwining their arms, or anything like that because he does a lot of things like that, seunghyun's heart skips a beat and thuds painfully in his chest and he's not sure what it is and he's not sure he likes it.

it's been years, and it's still like this. whenever hongki-hyung does anything like that, seunghyun freezes and doesn't react and continues acting like everything is normal because it is and then hongki-hyung sometimes stays for a bit and sometimes he doesn't but in the end he draws away and seunghyun lets out a breath but the coldness that comes after his hyung's warmth is always for some reason disappointing.

but it's not because seunghyun likes him, no, it's because seunghyun's always cold and he craves warmth and hongki-hyung is always warm and his hands are warm and he's always too hot during the summer and he always sleeps in a cold room and laughter and sunshine and honey and everything about him is just warm, okay?

seunghyun's not gay. he's really not.

but when hongki-hyung calls him up to ask him to the bar for drinks just us two what is seunghyun supposed to say, no? seunghyun says yes and they drink at a bar and it really is just them two and hongki-hyung orders a preposterous amount of alcohol and seunghyun's actually worried about him but then his hyung pushes half the drinks towards him and seunghyun knows he's ed.

so he drinks with hongki-hyung because what's the harm, he's with his hyung, no one can hurt him, and hongki-hyung starts talking about how seunghyun's been quiet lately and not like himself at all and not even talking to him at all and that's when seunghyun realizes that he's been avoiding hongki-hyung.

it's not on purpose, he swears, but when hongki-hyung looks at him, hurt and clearly disbelieving, seunghyun admits that maybe it's his fault and he just doesn't have the energy to talk to him because hyung you're always so bright and cheerful and everyone loves you but i can't be like that and it makes me sad almost.

he knows that's not the reason why he's been avoiding him, and clearly, hongki-hyung knows too. he looks at seunghyun and downs his soju and leans in close and seunghyun can smell the alcohol on his breath and says you don't like me anymore, seunghyunnie, and seunghyun shakes his head and drinks and says no what are you talking about but hongki-hyung nods and leans back.

i thought so, he says, crossing his arms and looking out at the dance floor. my little seunghyunnie doesn't love me anymore. i raised him for nothing for ten years.

ah, hyung, why are you like this? seunghyun drinks again but after he puts down his glass hongki-hyung's hand is on his wrist and there's a hard look in his eyes and he says, we're going out, and before seunghyun can comprehend, they're leaving and the cold air clears his mind and he realizes what he's done and what he's said and oh god hyung i swear i don't hate you i swear.

i know you don't. hongki-hyung turns around with an odd smile on his face and they call a taxi and hongki-hyung gives his address. i raised you for years, you don't have a single damn reason to hate me.

you didn't raise me, seunghyun grumbles, but he's cold and hongki-hyung is warm and his house is fifteen minutes away and seunghyun leans into him, snuggling down even though he's much taller than his hyung, but hongki-hyung just puts an arm around him and draws him closer, and seunghyun closes his eyes and wishes this moment would last forever.

but it ends, and seunghyun's not sure why he's sad when it ends, but it does and hongki-hyung's dragging him headfirst into the elevator, hand in his hand, fingers entwined, and seunghyun almost wants to cry and he's not sure why his face burns the way it does but it does and he feels almost a need to explain to the apartment person at the front desk but hongki-hyung walks too fast so he doesn't.

in the privacy of hongki-hyung's house, seunghyun lies down on his couch and groans and almost falls asleep but hongki-hyung sits next to him, drags him up, and demands to talk.

why are you avoiding me? i can't even get a straight answer from you and it's affecting everyone else too.

i'm not avoiding you, hyung. i just don't have that much to say.

you expect me to believe that when you've talked every day nonstop for the past what ten eleven years? song seunghyun, you can fool anyone else, but you can't fool me.

hongki-hyung's mad. sort of. the alcohol makes him seem madder than he actually is. but he still wants an answer, and seunghyun doesn't know what to give him.

i guess i just like you too much, he says without thinking. i like you and you're warm and safe and you always touch me and i'm afraid to want more when i really shouldn't and i don't know what's going on but every time you look at me i feel shy and when i look at you i feel wrong and when we look at each other i don't even know what to feel, only that my heart stops.

hongki-hyung doesn't respond right away, and seunghyun's not sure what he's even said and why he even said it when he doesn't know, but he has more to say the words won't stop so he goes on.

i like it when you look at me, it makes me feel special, and i like it when we have that one look that says everything that doesn't need to be put into words, and i keep noticing how pretty you are and you have no jawline but that's okay because you're all soft and curves anyway and your voice makes me want to jump into a hole and cry and i don't know why but sometimes the last person i think about at night is you and i'm so thankful for you and i don't ever want you to leave and i'm sorry?

. hongki-hyung finally finds his voice again. what the are you sorry for.

sorry for saying too much. seunghyun feels like he's about to pass out but he grabs hongki-hyung's face and looks him in the eye and says hyung, i think i'm in love with you.

for a while, all hongki-hyung does is stare at him, and seunghyun thinks he's done something wrong and he's about to let go and go home and curl up in a ball and cry but then hongki-hyung lunges forward, grabs his face, and pins him down on the couch with his mouth on his, and seunghyun's chest is about to explode but hongki-hyung's hands are so grabby and for once seunghyun doesn't mind and he grabs right back and for the first time in forever it just feels right.

seunghyun is gay. very, very gay. but only for his hongki-hyung. he swears, and he's pretty sure he's right this time.