"Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little
Solace and some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate, ravenous
So weak and powerless"

~Weak and Powerless by A Perfect Circle

 

Song: Full Circle By Movements 

3rd Person's P.O.V:

Hyuk tried, through and through, it was never enough in the end. Hyuk simply couldn't do it anymore but Hyuk knew that Hongbin needed someone in his corner more than ever.

Yet, Hyuk knew that Hongbin has not been himself for years. Hyuk felt powerless, every breathe, every sunrise, every sunset, and each passing months Hyuk felt hope wither away.

His faith shaken in many ways.

It was no secrete about the obstacles and troubles Hongbin faces and Hyuk tried so hard to fix things that couldn't be put back together but he wanted to try. It was noble but selfish to want to fix someone when they aren't a project. Hongbin is a person and Hyuk shouldn't expect that one morning Hongbin would wake up anew. 

Patience is virtue, it was something Hyuk needed to learn but he just didn't want to, he is stubborn and relentless when it came to the ones he loves the most. The flaws in his system made him go crazy, not Hongbin, his own cuz deep down he knew. 

"Hongbin?" He approached the older male cooped up in his study alone. 

The older male did not respond, Hyuk opened the door, it was daunting and Hyuk tried to push back the cry that wanted to escape his suppressed throat. But seeing Hongbin just sit there frozen in time, while the world around him buzz with life and beauty. 

"Hongbin?" He tried again. 

Yet again, in vain, the dark brunette sighed and tried to move closer to Hongbin. He just sat their in his leather chair in his work slacks and a cardigan with nothing under it, it seems as though Hongbin has been in here since last night. 

Hyuk didn't know how much more he could take before he completely broke down in tears, it was hard to watch someone you love dying in front of you and you couldn't do anything but just sit and watch, it was hopeless and Hyuk hated himself. 

He approached the still male and he was afraid that Hongbin would break out into another episode. 

"Hongbinnie, its me." He stood next to the male as they looked at the open window watching dawn break and the sun smiling in joy and Hyuk wanted to smile but his muscle memory failed him. Happiness has not been known in his heart ever since Hongbin... it was hard to think or talk about the events that lead to this time and space. 

He wasn't asleep nor awake, it seems like he is stuck in limbo and Hyuk had to bring him out gently and calmly. 

"Hongbin..." He stood in front of the male and crouched down to eye level, hoping for a miracle.

"It is morning hyung, time to come out now." His heart tried to bare the pain and hurt. 

"Hyung..." he put his hand on the older male and lightly shook him. 

"Hyung time too-"

"You don't deserve this." Hongbin voice raw and hoarse. 

"Hongbin what do you mean." Hyuk knew. 

"Don't play dumb!" Hyuk flinch at the callousness in Hongbin tone.

"You are trapped here and you know it." Hongbin words sting. 

"Leave me!" HE shouted in Hyuk face. 

Regardless Hyuk took it and Hongbin hated himself even more. 

"Why do you stay with someone as pitiful and disgusting as me?" Hongbin knew Hyuk was meant for more than this house of misery. 

"I love you." Hongbin scoffed. 

"You don't love me... Loving me destroyed you and now you are stuck in this rut of mine." Hongbin had cut off all the power lines in his heart knowing that the results of feeling, it would lead to unbearable and painful conclusion. 

He wasn't willing to risk Hyuk life as collateral damage... Hyuk was more than that and Hongbin knew deep down. Him and Hyuk will forever be on different end of the same chapter and that is what killed him inside. 

Hyuk would always be 10 steps ahead of him and before he knew it... Hyuk would be on to the next part of this tangled equation, where they never seems to be an answer but only more steps to what appears to be simple math problem. 

One that anyone could do, yet Hongbin never could seem to do the right thing and made a great stretch between him and Hyuk but he did nothing about it and continued to allow such precious and irreplaceable time slip from his head. Although, He never took for granted the subtle  glances, caressed touches, frantic affection they share between one another in random and unexpected times. 

Hongbin did not know how Hyuk could stand the noisy silence and cold bed, it made Hongbin go crazy thinking Hyuk  is alone; even with him... Hyuk shouldn't have to live this way! Hongbin knew that he should have let Hyuk go a long time ago, yet Hyuk never let Hongbin go. Never gave  up on Hongbin and never turned his back on the older male.

He knew that and Hongbin felt like he was taking advantage of Hyuk kindness by being such a burden and he felt like the younger male took pity on him and decided to stay and bare the pain cuz that is Hyuk. Hyuk is too selfless for his own good and Hongbin loathed and love that part of the male, it made Hyuk more human, in a way Hongbin is jealous of that attribute that he never had. 

"If you knew what is in my mind... you wouldn't be here." Hongbin looked out onto the horizon of the seoul sky. 

"Hongbin nothing you could say could make me leave." Hyuk love Hongbin and knew that the older male has so much to give to the world and that he isn't a lost cause, it killed Hyuk to know whatever he tried to do... it just wasn't enough. 

"You are so naive and pure heart and that is what makes you a fool." Hongbin words pierced Hyuk fragile heart and Hongbin could see the hurt painted on Hyuk face. 

"Love does that to people, makes them a blind fool." He tried not to cry. 

"Love isn't real Hyuk. Why do you constantly fill yourself with dead hope in this forsaken home? Why put yourself through all my suffering?" Hongbin is slipping back into head space. 

"You told me once... that you have gone too long without a smile and that you have reason to stay... my heart beat faster that day. You looked at me as though I was sunshine, you have never once told me that you love me." Hyuk wasn't going to give up on the older male. 

He knew that too many people have and he wasn't going to be one of them. He made a promise in his own heart that Hongbin would never be alone ever again, he knew Hongbin has everything in the world but depression didn't care and decided to over stay its visit. 

Hyuk was at the end of his limit and he so desperately tried to hold on to what was left but Hyuk couldn't save Hongbin, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't do it. This was something Hongbin had to do for himself and Hyuk had to give him time... Hyuk felt like him being their was not doing Hongbin any good. 

"I am sorry, I failed you Hongbin." Hyuk tried to smile but it felt like anchors were tied to the corners of his mouth.

"I think we need to take a break Hongbin..." Hongbin felt a piece of his heart break. 

Hongbin thought that Hyuk leaving would give him peace but it did the opposite, he didn't know if that was good or bad and he just couldn't comprehend anything in this state of mind. 

"This isn't a goodbye but a see you later. I think by me being here is not doing you any justice." Hyuk couldn't do it anymore and he was starting to run out of options and so maybe this would be Hongbin best option.

"You are leaving me too. I am not surprised." Hongbin knew that Hyuk wasn't breaking up with him but the hurt in his guarded heart spoke a different tale and it hurts like hell.

"Your smile has dimmed and your eyes are burnt out.... Hongbin.... you aren't yourself, for the longest time even before me. I don't know anymore.... each day you start to loose yourself and I a watch you wither away slowly." Hyuk cried as he kept watching the love of his life get worse.

"I don't know what you mean Hyuk?" The older male tried to hide the hurt of years past, the skeletons in his closet keep piling up and he couldn't close it anymore.

Hongbin didn't know what Hyuk was saying but he did. Hongbin didn't want to admit the truth, denial was his best friend and he always went with the latter, Hogbin knew how to hide his feelings but losing someone he loves, the only person that gave a damn about him, it felt like a car crash or it feels like what it would. 

Hongbin is a freakin mess and Hyuk so badly wanted to fix him, but he knew that he couldn't do it. This was something Hongbin had to do for himself, yet Hyuk so desperately tried to pick him up and tried to put back the shattered pieces together.

"You will forget about me... they all do. I wasn't what you wanted so you just abandon ship... you aren't any better." Hongbin first instinct to protect himself is aggression. 

"Hongbin, I can't keep pretending like everything isn't falling a part...like this isn't some messed up nightmare... for the longest time we have been together I have put everything on hold and left everyone that said you were just a waist of time... that you had all the money in the world and I was just another project." Hyuk couldn't bare it anymore. 

"I defended you cuz I believed in you and I saw the good in you and I wanted to show you exactly who you are Hongbin." Hyuk heart kept breaking.

"Hongbin, I couldn't fix you and I know it sounds stupid... you aren't some school project and I shouldn't have been foolish!" Hyuk hope for the best for his love.

"I must let you go and let you find yourself. I can't make you happy or to make you love yourself... you must do that on your own." Hongbin had to find himself if he wanted a chance to live.

"Call me when you decide that you love yourself...." That was the hardest part for Hyuk, having to let go but he knew he had too.

Hyuk got up and dusted himself off "I know you can do it Hongbinnie. You must fight for your life cuz you are a fighter and a pretty damn good one hyung." Hyuk kissed the top of Hongbin head and walked away from him.

It hurt so much to turn away but he couldn't stay in this broken home anymore. One day might come... or not but Hyuk never stayed long enough for his brain to concoct a negative scenario and he didn't want too.

Hongbin is alone again...

****

Hyuk had to for his own sake, it hurt him more than Hongbin would truly ever know. But Hyuk couldn't look into the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy...

This was no longer his fight and it never was...

Hongbin needed the will to live again and Hyuk knew that Hongbin will get to that path once again.

One day, they can walk on that flowery road but for now, it just wasn't the right time or place. Hongbin was at war with himself and Hyuk tried to make peace but he never could, Hongbin was his own worst enemy.

Hyuk looked around one last time, he laid the letter on the coffee table and grabbed his suit case and left back to his own. He didn't have much but it didn't matter cuz Hongbin is Hyuk greatest love, but today Hongbin is his greatest sorrow.

He would carry that with him until the time they meet once more, when the stars and moon align once again and all is said and done... the moment of true nirvana, is the day when the sun will rise in Hongbin skyline once more.

That is the time they could smile with no regret, it was one Hyuk held onto no matter what their fate is.

*** 
All Hongbin could do is sit and stare at nothing! Even though there is color and life in this cruel existence, it was never a trick question or doubt in his mind... now everything seems so gone...

It is like a fog that has masked over and he can't seem to find the exit sign anymore. It is all hazy and faulty and Hongbin felt paralyzed in this strange world and he just curled back into himself.

What was he suppose to do?

He depended so much on the younger male for everything, it hit him like a fraught train, it dawned on the older male that he used Hyuk.

Hyuk never complained or argued with him and Hongbin treated him like crap... Hyuk loves him. 

This was not a wake up call but self-actualization or some self confrontation. Even an intervention! Or not.

A piece of his conscious came and went.

Hongbin just did nothing.

The end

*PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO GO UP THE FIRST WEEK OF THE NEW YEAR BUT I WAS AFRAID. I AM LEAVING THIS ORIGINAL A/N: CUZ I CAN.*

A/N: Hello my lovely readers I hope you enjoyed my HyukBin story and my first one of the year.

Happy New years everyone! I hope your 2019 is filled with happiness and good fortune.

Sorry, this is sad but I wanted to write this but with Hongbin as the one going through, it is usually Hyuk that I write about going through depression and ect. But I wanted to do something different.

I have been going through a lot lately but I am trying to get back to a good place... but it is not easy. I am tired of everything but I have to live, surviving isn't living anymore and I learned that.

My head is in a dangerous place and my thoughts are telling me things that I know aren't true but... I don't know the difference anymore. So bare with me please, I am currently living through my own personal hell.

Thank you again everyone.

I hope you all haven't left and I understand if you did. I have not done anything but I made a comeback!

Thank you my lovely readers I hope you are healthy and happy. Keep it weird everyone, love you all.

-AndreaXx