for. sara.

There’s a flicker of hope that lights up Seulgi’s irises the moment their eyes meet, love-scented candles of happiness that come to life one by one. Her lips curve upward and her teeth peek shyly.

It’s a sight Joohyun cherishes to the depth of her very being, a sight she wants to engrave in her mind forever. Her heart thunders in her chest for Seulgi; always, always just for Seulgi.

There are no butterflies in her stomach, no nervousness, nothing but affection and adoration, and it makes her smile wide in return.

(Just for Seulgi.)

“Hi,” she whispers, scouts back a little to crack the door open and let the girl slip inside. “The girls are asleep. It’s a little late.”

The younger brunette doesn’t answer in words. She’s sluggish in her gestures, looking exhausted and genuinely overwhelmed with her own feelings as she leans back against the door and looks at Joohyun through her outgrown bangs. Instead of talking, she loosely wraps her arms around Joohyun’s waist and tugs her closer. Rests her forehead against her shoulder.

For a while, it’s quiet.

For a while, the world doesn’t spin.

(It’s like they’re alone in the universe, and Joohyun really wouldn’t mind existing just for Seulgi.)

The sound of their breathing is loud in the dead of the night. Joohyun threads her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair consolingly, lips settling against the crown of her head. “Long day at work?”

Seulgi hums softly. Yeah. She turns her head and steps a little closer, hides in the crook of Joohyun’s neck because that’s where she feels the safest. She’s not sad, just worn-out. Maybe she wants to cry but it’s out of relief rather than sorrow: she’s finally home. It’s been a long day. “I missed you, unnie,” she whispers against her skin and holds her a little tighter. There aren’t many days she feels this needy, it only ever happens sometimes. Sometimes when she’s happy and she naturally searches for Joohyun in the crowd to share the bliss but doesn’t find her. Sometimes when ’s tied in a lump and her shoulders feel heavy with burdens she has to carry alone.

Today is more of the latter.

“I missed you too, Seulgi-ah.”

Today is more of the latter, and she’d felt like staying in. She’d felt like staying in Joohyun’s arms and kissing her chin to the tempo of their mindless musings, or even their least favourite song. She would have loved to talk about stars, too; not those in the sky but those in her girlfriend’s warm brown eyes. She would have loved to love her all day.

Today, it was painful to be away from Joohyun.
It was lonely, and cold; like dancing to no music or humming without sound.

Seulgi breaks away from the embrace and leans back against the door; Joohyun holds her gaze confidently.

“Did you eat, unnie?”

“Yeah, with Seungwannie and Yerim. Did you?”

“With the filming crew after closing. That’s why I’m so late.”

There are no unshed tears in her Seulgi’s eyes, and for that Joohyun is thankful. There is weariness though, weariness she wants to kiss away so she does. She leans in slow and gentle, standing on the tips of her feet and looking up at the woman who owns her heart, her mind, and every dust-speck of her soul. When their lips meet, there are no fireworks. There is no rush and no urgency. Emotions come and go in tender waves; for Joohyun, it’s soothing like loving Seulgi and pacifying like being loved back by her.

“It’s okay,” she assures the taller dancer as she leans back, their lips two dreadful millimetres apart. Then, as if she’d just remembered, she adds a playful “welcome home, sweetheart” that has them both grinning. And if in Seulgi’s eyes, weariness persists, now it’s barely noticeable through the fog of fondness glazing them.

(Joohyun really, really wouldn’t mind existing just through Seulgi’s eyes.)

“Thank you.” The words come out low and honest. “I really hate working without you.”

As a group, they are used to working in units. No one’s left behind, and no one’s left to fend off for themselves alone. Seulgi’s painfully aware that she has to function on her own anyway. Most times, it’s alright. It’s not ideal, but that’s fine. Just not today.

Joohyun hums and bumps their nose together. “Me too.” The other members are likely to agree as well, really, they just weren’t used to being apart. But she knows that this isn’t about being apart. Some days were just harsh, and today is one of those. “Wish I could be with you all the time,” she says, snorting and hoping to get a reaction out of the girl. “But that’s unhealthy so pretend it doesn’t sound as creepy as it does.”

Seulgi does laugh a little, pressing her lips against Joohyun’s brow. “Only if you pretend it’s not creepy that I feel the same way about you too.”

“Okay. Deal.” The older woman lands a phantom peck against her bare collarbone before leaning back again. She meets Seulgi’s gaze, searching in her eyes for a while before smiling softly. “I’m sure you did a good job today,” she tells her earnestly, bringing a hand to rest against her jaw. “You worked hard. You did well. I love you.”

Seulgi’s board shoulders look small. Her kind eyes unusually dim. Joohyun wants to wrap herself around her and protect her from the rest of the world, if just for a night – Joohyun wants to wrap herself around her tight enough to fix every piece and crack.

Words like I’m proud of you, I’m sorry you had a bad day and I wish I can take some of your struggles away always feel so… lacking.

“Ah, why are we being so dramatic?” A few tears escape Seulgi despite her best efforts. “I’m just a little tired.” She insists, half-frowning, half-laughing. “I’m fine.”

“Yes you are,” Joohyun agrees, wiping away her tears with a fond grin. “Can we sleep in your room today?” She asks shyly, feeling the intimate moment fill her gut with warmth. “I miss you.”

Seulgi nods, her voice thick as she agrees, “okay.”

There are no words she could possibly say to make it all go away, Joohyun knows that. So she leads her to her room and helps her take off her clothes. She kisses the corner of and holds her until she sleeps, but never lets go even after she does.

I’m proud of you, I’m sorry you had a bad day and I wish I can take some of your struggles away all seem to mean, thank you for existing.

(They’re not alone in the universe, but Joohyun knows she would be without Seulgi.)

(“I love you too, you know,” Seulgi had said as she cuddled to her side, already half asleep. “Everyday. All the time.”)