Sunday, November 7^th, 1954

It’s finally sunny today! I felt bad about switching journals ;^; but there was no more room in the other one… ah, I’m sorry, old friend…

On a brighter side, we went to the old school building and played on the playground! It was really nice to see it again… all the memories we had there… I’m so sad they tore it down? I guess the town didn’t have enough money to keep it, but still… wouldn’t it cost more money to build a new school?

Minhwan said he wants to go to Seoul for college. I don’t know what I should do. I want to go to a big city too, but it’s so much money… and my parents won’t want me to go far away. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll get in, so I could just apply for fun.

Oh, man… you should have seen him today. The wind was in his hair, and he was sitting there on the seesaw with his elbows on his knees like a cool kid. He IS a cool kid! Cooler than me, anyway…

Hm, I don’t know what else to say. Nothing much happened today. We’ll have to wait for tomorrow, then!

***

Friday, May 9^th, 2004

Is this the kid who died?

Hongki isn’t sure what to make of the journal. He’d found it a few minutes ago, while cleaning out the cramped closet. It was sitting in the farthest, darkest corner, where no one would ever think to look.

But that’s likely why the boy had put it there in the first place. Hongki’s intrigued; he wants more of this story. Maybe he’s just curious about why the boy committed suicide, but in any case, it’ll give him something to do out here in the middle of nowhere.

“Lee Hongki, are you done yet?” His mother’s voice floats up from downstairs and through Hongki’s open door. He slams his fist down on the empty bedframe and lets out a growl. No, he’s not done, not even close, but will she even listen?

“No!” he snaps, even as the movers are coming into the room with a mattress. “I’m not done!”

“Sorry, he gets like this sometimes.” She grabs his arm and drags him up from the floor. “Please, go ahead. You will,” she hisses, turning to Hongki, “behave yourself while there are others in this house.”

“I hate this house,” he hisses back, shoving his face into hers. “I wasn’t the one who decided to move us. I wasn’t the one who--”

His arm hurts where she had grabbed it, and now his shoulder hurts too, where she had shoved him out into the hall. “Do something useful.” She pushes past him and disappears into another room.

Hongki’s vision blurs. He can’t hear his own thoughts over his rapid heartbeat, and the only thing keeping him from breaking down right then and there is the rough feel of the old leather notebook still in his hand.

Taking a deep breath, he runs his fingers over the cracked cover. Thankfully, his mother didn’t seem to see it. He has no doubt that she would have thrown it in the trash.

Suddenly unable to bear the oppressive air inside the house, Hongki rushes down the stairs and out the back door, letting it swing shut behind him. The tall grass scratches his legs, but he keeps running. Finally, when the house is only a smudge on the horizon, he stops, breath ragged and stuttering.

He stands there, in the middle of the field, with the blue sky stretching infinitely beyond. A slight breeze rises, and he trembles, letting out a shaky sigh and a bitter laugh. It’s ironic, how he hated moving to the countryside, and yet he feels safer outdoors than in.

It’s not his fault he has a ty family.

He looks around for a place to sit and read the boy’s journal in peace, but there’s not a single empty patch of land anywhere. Carefully, he picks his way through the grass, and finally sits down on a large rock. No one can bother him here, and the thought brings a small smile to Hongki’s face.

He looks at the journal in his hands for a long time, turning it every which way, before setting it down on the ground. The journal isn’t long, and he decides that he’ll read a page a day, just so he can experience what the boy felt.

Maybe it’ll help with his own situation.

He shakes his head impatiently, letting his hair flop into his eyes. Mama may have raised a quitter, but despite all her flaws, she didn’t raise no fool. Lee Hongki isn’t stupid enough to commit suicide, especially here, in the middle of nowhere.

The sun feels good on his skin, and Hongki turns his face to it, closing his eyes. He sighs, releasing the tension pent up in his shoulders.

He hates his life so much. If only his father hadn’t lost his job, if only his mother hadn’t ed up, if only his grandmother wasn’t sick… then, maybe he wouldn’t have to be here. He could have lived with a friend, gone to school normally. He could have not dealt with whatever show this is turning out to be.

Suddenly, his pocket buzzes, and Hongki nearly jumps out of his skin. He fumbles for his phone, heart sinking immediately when he reads the caller ID. Despite the impending sense of dread welling up in his chest, Hongki picks up anyway.

“Where are you?” his mother screams. Hongki jerks the phone away from his ear. “Lee Hongki, you will come home right now! Did you hear me? Right now! You want to die out there? Go die, don’t come home! I would love to see that! If you don’t want to starve, you better come home right now! I’m not saying that again! Right now!”

He didn’t even have a chance to speak. As the hang-up tone beeps, tears well up in Hongki’s eyes. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair, how life treats him. What did he do to deserve all this? He tried to be good, but no one appreciated him. He tried to be bad, but fear always pulled him back. He’s trying, but nothing’s working, and he’s suffering, breaking down at the hands of his own mother.

What did he ever do to deserve this?

hi guys, as you can see, i'm not kidding about the possible trigger warnings. if you're not comfortable with suicide, homophobia, or toxic parents, then please click out of this story now.

also, if you're not comfortable reading ftisland due to the recent jonghoon thing, please click out as well (he might end up making an appearance in later chapters, though i'll try to avoid it as much as possible).

the later chapters are probably not going to be as short as this one, but it's 1:03 and i have done no homework. i just needed to write something.