iv.

happy birthday update for our all-time favorite boy in the whole wide world, lee hyukjae! i hope you have the best day ever bb ;; 

One evening of the following week, Donghae invites his friends over at his apartment under the pretext of a study session. They’ve actually made almost no progress on that goal so far. Their initial motivation only lasted for about half an hour, at which point Heechul had started complaining about being hungry, and suddenly the rest of them had decided that they were too. They had ordered fast-food delivery, claiming that they’d definitely study after sustaining themselves. But then one thing led to another, and now their books and notes lie forgotten in a corner of the room, barely opened at all.

Well, Donghae thinks uncaringly. At least they tried, right? Yawning, he punches the pillow under his head to fluff it up, then shifts a little to be more comfortable. He’s lying down on the carpeted floor of his bedroom, which admittedly isn’t the best idea for his back—but then he never was known for having good ideas. He rolls onto his side with a slight grimace to glance at his best friends.

Heechul is sprawled across his bed, browsing idly through comics updates on his phone. He’s been deploring the lack of good releases for a while, and, judging from the way that he keeps grumbling irritably, it seems like today won’t bring any luck either. Siwon is also sitting on the bed, leaning comfortably against the headboard as he reads a magazine. From where he is, Donghae can read “How to grow your iest beard in 3 easy steps” on the cover. He wants to roll his eyes. Kyuhyun is also here, of course; he’s on the floor as well, sitting against the bedframe with his laptop and a pack of cookies nearby.

Donghae smiles at them fondly. He ducks his head down to hide it before his friends notice and again for being too sentimental.

Ever since he was a child, loneliness has always been his biggest fear. It haunts him whenever he lets his defenses down, like a terrible nightmare, or maybe a threat, that lingers at the periphery of his thoughts. Just the idea of ending up alone one day—without his family or his closest friends by his sides, without someone to hold him tight when he feels at his worst—feels like a painful slash across his . To fend off his anxiety, Donghae needs the certitude that someone loves him, real and simple and intense, despite his imperfections. He needs to keep those people close to him, close to his heart.

As long as he can remember, Heechul, Siwon and Kyuhyun have always been there for him. Just like he’ll always be there for them. They love him in their own special ways, and even if it generally implies a lot of teasing and nagging and shouting, Donghae couldn’t be more thankful to have them in his life.

“Guys,” Donghae whines and he reaches out a grabby hand towards his friends, like a child. Siwon and Kyuhyun glance at him questioningly, while Heechul doesn’t even bother looking up from his phone. “I feel like .”

“Yeah, well, you look like it,” Kyuhyun comments dryly. Heechul snickers, and before Donghae can retort indignantly at the both of them, he continues, “I don’t really see what your problem is though. You got to hook up on Saturday, right? That’s usually good reason enough to be happy.”

“Shut up,” Donghae glowers at him. “It wasn’t that good anyway.”

At that, Heechul throws a pillow at his head. Donghae catches it before it can hit him square in the face.

“You shut the up,” Heechul scoffs before he settles back down. “Don’t be so ing ungrateful. You don’t get to complain about anything, you lucky bastard; I didn’t get my wet for weeks, but I’m not complaining, am I?”

Well, you are, kind of, Donghae wants to point out wryly. He shuts up, though, because if there’s one thing that he’s learned from hanging out with Heechul, it’s that arguing with him really isn’t the best idea if he wants to keep his virility unscathed. He continues to sulk instead. 

“You guys are the worst,” he grumbles.

“No, but seriously,” Siwon says then, and Donghae thinks that he hears a hint of concern in his voice. “Are you sure you’re okay, Donghae? You do look a bit tired, you know, and you’ve been acting all weird since last week.” He puts his magazine down and frowns at him worriedly, ignoring Kyuhyun’s mutter of ‘you’re too nice to him, let him grow some chest hairs, for ’s sake’.

“Is it homework, maybe?” Siwon asks. “You were complaining about partnering up with Hyukjae last time. Is it still bad?”

Donghae grimaces. He only hoped to whine a bit at his friends, but Siwon has always been surprisingly good at seeing through their bull and guessing the reason of their problems. He sits up and folds his legs under him.

“I don’t know,” he pouts, pulling at a loose thread of his carpet moodily. “It’s just that—… something happened last week, and now it’s been on my mind.”

Reluctantly, Donghae tells them about finding Hyukjae curled up in a dusty corner of the university hallways, looking terribly anxious and upset about his presentation, on the verge of tears. Then he tells them about trying to comfort him, but not finding the right words to say, not knowing how to comfort him, and how useless it made him feel.

For the briefest moment, Donghae also considers telling them about people mocking Hyukjae at the party. Something grips him tight in the middle of his chest and holds him back at the last second. He tries to convince himself that it isn’t because he still feels ashamed and guilty for not defending Hyukjae, but it’s a lie. And he knows it perfectly.

“Ah.” Kyuhyun tilts his head to the side. He shares a loaded look with Siwon, which Donghae isn’t sure he understands. “I mean,” he says slowly, “you already knew that, no? That he cared a lot about his grades? It’s kind of obvious that he does.”

“Yeah, but.” Donghae frowns. He feels so confused and lost, suddenly, because Kyuhyun is right. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise that Hyukjae would worry so much about his studies, especially considering how intense he is about their mini-thesis, but somehow it is. He doesn’t understand where this protective urge is coming from.

“I don’t know, I just—… I didn’t expect him to get so worked up about it, I guess.”

Siwon and Kyuhyun share another look. Donghae has the feeling that they know something that he doesn’t, and it makes him squirm awkwardly. Meanwhile, Heechul just looks uncomfortable, as he always is when they expect him to talk about feelings or any related topic.

“Maybe you should talk to him, if you’re so worried,” Siwon says finally. Before Donghae can hastily protest that he isn’t, really, he’s not, Siwon continues, “you could ask him if he’s okay, if he thinks he did good at his presentation. Something like that, you know?”

“Uh, yeah.” Donghae fidgets uncomfortably. He’d rather not explain that he’s avoiding Hyukjae because he’s too scared that he’ll see his hickeys and get the wrong idea. “Maybe.”

Kyuhyun eyes him dubiously, clearly not believing him, but Siwon seems satisfied enough. He offers him an encouraging look and goes back to his magazine.

“So are you guys, like, friends or something?” Heechul asks. “Are you going to stop yelling at everyone who says that they know him? Because that was so much fun.” He rolls his eyes sarcastically.

Donghae wraps his arms around himself pensively. Despite his best efforts to ignore it, irritation still flares up overwhelmingly within him each time that he remembers one of his friends interacting with Hyukjae. He just has to think about how Heechul, Siwon and Kyuhyun all seem to know him—but also Yunho and Boa, and even random people that he meets at parties—and a roaring beast comes to life in his tummy, gnawing at his insides in jealousy.

Part of him wants to believe that it’s only possessiveness over his own friends. That it’s just because he’s worried that they might leave him for Hyukjae. But another part of him, the one that’s confused and that’s been constantly thinking about Hyukjae since last week, tells him that it might not be the only reason why.

Donghae nibbles onto his lower lip, conflicted. Kyuhyun and Siwon peer at him knowingly, in a way that he doesn’t understand. It urges him to look away.

In the end, he lies back down on the floor, and says softly, “I don’t know.”

*

Donghae feels nervous. He’s supposed to meet up with Hyukjae soon to work on their mini-thesis, but something uneasy and anxious churns at the bottom of his stomach, making him feel agitated. One of the reasons why is that he still can’t shut down the last twinges of his guilt from Saturday night, while another is that he still flushes slightly every time that he thinks about his arm wrapped around Hyukjae’s shoulders. For some reason, he’s worried that Hyukjae might take a look at his face and suddenly guess everything that’s going through his mind. He knows that he’s being ridiculous—that nothing actually changed between them, besides in his own head and in his own growingly confused perception of their not-relationship—but, ugh, he can’t help it. It’s annoying and distracting, and he really wishes that it’d stop.

Before going to university, Donghae spent a good five minutes making sure that his ugly hickeys disappeared off his skin completely. And then another fifteen minutes wondering just how the hell he’s supposed to act around Hyukjae now that he’s seen him on the verge of crying. There’s just something so incredibly intimate about seeing someone’s vulnerability from up close. Donghae would usually be happy and touched that he was trusted enough for that, but he’s not entirely sure that Hyukjae didn’t let him in only because of the circumstances. He’s also a bit apprehensive of how he’ll react now that he’s feeling better, considering how prickly and proud he usually is.

Donghae groans softly under his breath. It’s stilly, he knows it is, for ’s sake. But even when he tries to convince himself to stop acting like a complete idiot, his mind keeps reminding him of all the words that he could have said to defend him on Saturday night, but didn’t; and of the way that Hyukjae felt pressed up against him, snuggling into his side