CHAPTER 1

How I Loved You

“So… can I drop by?”

“Not today, I think I’ll be busy later today…”

“As long as you aren’t going to do what I think you want to do, everything is perfect.”

“What do you mean? You know something that I don’t?”

“Please don’t do it. It’s not a good time…”

“Say it clearly, I hate when people beat about the bush!”

“Don’t call him. Leave him alone! Ok? Don’t try your old trick that we know how used to end… You wanted me to say it I did it…”

“What the hell!... who-”

“I’m your friend and that’s all I need to feel free to say what I want to tell you… you know what? I’m hanging up, call me if you change your mind about doing something tonight!” and with that, the call ends.

He’s still annoyed for the call because of course he’ll do what he wants to do; after all it’s the perfect timing. Both of them are in the same city once again and that means that they have a new chance to meet. It had been months and he misses the other like crazy now, even when he’s still bothered for the fact that he didn’t receive a call after the first month of him being in another country, not that he took any of those calls. He refused any contact with the other in those months staying out his home for the most of time.

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How I loved you

You’ll never be able to imagine

‘Cause it was a beautiful way to feel, to live, to die

To follow your shadow

That’s how I loved you

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The last time they saw each other, they had have a huge fight over nothing, seriously, they used to have fights from time to time but even when that last time was pretty ugly he didn’t even remember the reason. It’s not like they fight over nothing every time but he right now, thinks that maybe he could overreacted a little.

It wasn’t helpful at all that he began to travel after that and that his more stubborn side decided to show up so he didn’t talk with the other nor maintain any contact at all, ignoring all attempts to approaching him from his ‘ex’. It was weird calling him like that every time they had ‘breaks’ on their relationship, because it never felt definitive at all.

It has been some days since he has returned home and maybe he won’t ever admit it but he tried to contact the other unsuccessfully after his return and that is bothering him to no end.

He decides that the best he can do is paying him a visit, calling him to tell him that thing of ‘I forgot something at your place’ and making up with him, so he does it, but instead of the always ‘ok, come’ he receives an ‘I’ll go to your place’ instead what it’s not something bad at all despite the tiredness on the other’s tone. It’s a good thing because he thought that the other maybe wasn’t going to answer the call at all.

He waits for the other to arrive while posting some pictures on his social accounts. He loves all the attention and love he receives and is very thankful for that. Many of his followers are going crazy for his pictures with one of his foreigner friends which is exactly the reaction he wanted.

It has past two hours already and he begins to worry, maybe the other isn’t coming, maybe he has forgotten about him… but no, that’s impossible, of course he’s coming, after all, he always does.

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How I loved you

Not even in dreams

You’ll be able to imagine

‘Cause I was yours the whole time

There wasn’t any hope that I felt

That wasn’t due to you

That’s how I loved you

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Another hour more and he grows impatient with each passing minute. He called just to get the voicemail and he’s annoyed again, at least he could told him not to wait if he wasn’t coming. He has prepared something to eat to distract himself and has tried to play that sad song in Spanish, the said foreigner friend is trying to teach him to sing… somehow even when he hasn’t passed from the first accords, it never fails to make his heart clench painfully.

When he hears the doorbell, he wonders who it could be at that precisely moment when he is expecting the other to enter the place from one moment to another. He stands up lazily and goes to open the door just to be greeted for the vision of the one he’s been craving to see again and for a moment he feels the urge to throw himself into his arms and tell him how much he missed him but something beyond what he can see, stops his tracks and instead, he opens the door widely to let the other and the bag he’s carrying in.

"Why you didn't enter? I didn't change the password."

"I thought I shouldn't..."

"Come on Yunho, you know that you can come whenever you want, that's why I gave you the code." They stay there after closing the door, awkwardly watching each other until they silently agree to go to the living room, this reunion so different to what Jaejoong had imagined.

"Well... I saw your pictures... congratulations, you're doing it fantastic as expected of you," Yunho says smiling weakly but with sincerity in his voice once he's over taking off his jacket and his shoes.

"Oh yea... thanks," Jaejoong says, "your work is being pretty successful too. That's great."

"Thank you, I guess... I-"

"Wanna eat something? I prepared some snacks while waiting..." he goes to the kitchen, something is wrong and he hates the sensation in his guts.

"No, I-... I'm not going to stay long."

"Nonsense, you are too thin and too pale too. You're not sick, are you?"

"I was, actually, but I'm very well now... Jaejoong-"

"No, I'm gonna give you something good..." he entertains himself with the food.

"I brought the things you left at my apartment," Yunho says showing him the bag, "If I find something else, I'll give it to Changmin or Heechul to give it to you." He goes to Jaejoong's bedroom and quickly comes back with something small, "I only wanted to have back this... if you find something else, please, just throw it away..."

Jaejoong stays silent without turning around to confront him yet; he's trying to maintain his composure and calming his heart's crazy beatings. He grasps the border of the countertop because he can't stand seeing his fingers trembling.

"Jaejoong... I- I'm leaving..." he goes to the door, "what I came to do here is already done. There's nothing more to say."

"Nothing more to say? Nothing more to say?!" Jaejoong leaves the kitchen, "and just like that you're giving up on me... on us... you don't care about everything we've lived all this years... what we still have..."

"We don't have anything between us anymore. Do we?" Yunho says and goes back where the other stands, "how could someone giving up something that doesn't exist?" He raises his voice a little, "that's not possible... There's nothing between us since long time ago, so what you are saying doesn't make any sense. Didn't you say it the last time? That we were over?!" He's practically yelling now so he inhales deeply to calm himself down, "look Jaejoong, we've broken up. We aren't together anymore, and we won't be together again. It's a fact... it did hurt but I've already accepted it..."

"..."

"We know it long before... I admit it, I didn't want to believe it... I, being the pathetic man in love that I was, was clinging to all we have, to our history, to what we had gone through... to what we shared in the past but... what was the point? What if I was looking for you, trying to meet you, trying to talk to you... you didn't want me so..."

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How I loved you

No matter how little or much time

I have left to live

It’s a verb that I will never be able to repeat again

I understand that it was an exaggeration

How much I loved you

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"But I'm here now... we can-"

"We can what? Having meaningless and pretend that everything is perfect till 'we' find another 'reason' to fight?" Yunho says angered remarking his words with air quotes, "I told you the last time, how tired I was... I was so so tired... but still, I wanted to try, I wanted to fight for us... but it's totally useless when in a matter of two just one is interested so... yes Jaejoong, I gave up and it was the most difficult and painful thing I did in my entire life... despite of all that happened before..."

"Meaningless ?...” he is hurt, for Yunho it was never just ‘’, as much as Jaejoong used to about that, it was always ‘making love’. “Gave up?" Jaejoong looks at him in disbelief, "who says I'm not interested?... how-"

"It was pretty clear... every time. It was just- I didn't want to see it... I convinced myself that the ‘leftovers’ were enough. I was so scared to face reality... but once I did it, I realized that it wasn't that bad, in fact, I felt so much better..."

"Just like that?"

"I’d wish it would have been that simple... now it is. It's pretty simple for me telling you that I'm leaving and I won't come back to you ever again... so simple that amazes me..."

"What the !... simple? You want to just dump me and move on like everything was nothing?..."

"Jaejoong-"

"No!...you think that it was easy for me?"

"Jae-"

"So you can come and tell me that it's 'simple' ending with everything?"

"Jaejoong... I met someone!” Yunho exclaims and Jaejoong just looks at him. “Actually… actually, I'm in a relationship-"

"I-... What? You cheated on me?"

Yunho laughs, a hysterical laughter that makes him bend down on a side of the sofa back, "how could someone cheat to anyone if that someone is single? And that it's you the one complaining about cheating... It's just amusing."

"Again with that? You know that-"

"I don't care. I did never ask you for any explanation after our 'breaks' regarding that matter, let alone now that we are nothing to each other... before I was blind and deaf to those issues and now, now I don't care nor have any interest on your personal affairs, those are none of my business anymore," Yunho says coldly smiling bitterly.

"I..." he doesn't know what to say at the moment, he's breaking inside and despite his efforts he knows that he’s crumbling outside too.

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How I loved you

I don’t think you’ll be ever want to understand

You’d have to fall in love

The way I did with you

So you’ll know

How I loved you

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"I have to go, someone is waiting for me..."

"How's he?"

"He?"

"Yea, I want to know how he is... you can't continue in denial of your true self... so how's he? Tell me!"

Yunho smiles again, "it was you, only you, no one else but you. I didn't fall for any random guy... I fell in love with you, with Kim Jaejoong... there won't be any other like you..." he looks at the other intently, "you wanna know how she is? She's wonderful... when Hojun introduced her to me I wasn't expecting at all what came next... it was like I was walking alone in the rain... but she didn't just brought me an umbrella, she brought the sun again and I don't care how cheesy I may sound... she loves me and I love her, Jaejoong… She makes me happy and all I want is to keep being able to make her happy..."

The other's big eyes just stares him back and Yunho sees two thick tears escape from those ayes, no more screaming, no more words, just the silent crying and he's surprised, surprised by the painful awareness that he's not desperate to dry the tears away anymore.

Yunho was scared of coming because he was afraid that his resolution wouldn't have been that strong, that he wouldn't have his feelings straight like he thought but now, he knows that he made the right choice even when letting go of the one he always called 'the love of his life' was the hardest decision of his entire existence but it was too much and he did it for good.

"Goodbye Jaejoong." He turns around putting his jacket and his shoes on with the weirdest sensation that it's for the last time, he puts what he took from Jaejoong's bedroom in his pocket and is about to leave when the other wraps his arms on him from behind. The gesture not possessive at all, it's filled with something else, something that he was sure Jaejoong didn't feel anymore.

"Yunho... Don't go... please... I- I just... please forgive me. I don't know what I wanted... I just..." he pleads with a weak voice face buried in the other's back, "I don't want to lose you... we can't let this happen... you know me better than anyone else... please..."

"Jaejoongie... my Jaejoongie," Yunho untangles Jaejoong's hands from him taking them tenderly between his, he kisses all the shorter guy's fingers. Jaejoong can feel the wetness of his tears when he does it and can't help the painful tug in his heart when Yunho speaks with a broken voice, "if you find someone that can love you half of how I loved you... you will be so happy... I- I wish- I wish you to find all the happiness that I dreamed I could give you, I didn't succeed... but I wish you from the bottom of my heart that you could love and being loved the way it makes you happy... Goodbye."

Yunho leaves and Jaejoong stays there, trying to understand what happened and why it happened. He slides to the floor and cries his heart out hugging his knees for the first time in a long time.

There was never anything this painful in his life before and without realizing it, he's already laying on the floor trying to control his crying to not choking with his sobs.

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How I loved you

I don’t think you’ll be ever want to understand

You’d have to fall in love

The way I did with you

So you’ll know

How much I loved you

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Como Yo Te Amé - Luis Miguel