MOONSUN

 

I had never been in love, let alone falling in love with a woman. But when I did for the very first time, the experience was harrowing. And I never thought I could lose my mind over a woman – a woman who turned my life upside down with her presence alone.

 

Moon Byulyi or affectionately known as Moonbyul was the reason why I lost my sanity and never recovered. Three years ago, I was accepted to Berklee College of Music – a prestigious college for individuals who are remotely interested in Music in general. Bachelor of Music in Composition was my major and I was thrilled to be accepted in.

 

My parents shared my joy and my friends were extremely excited about my acceptance to Berklee College of Music. I was prepared to leave Seoul for Boston, USA. My parents painstakingly ensured that I have enough for my expenses and accommodation in Boston. I was probably going to stay in the hostel provided.

 

Omma had difficulties letting me go so I took the liberty to spend most of my remaining time with her. I assured her that I’d be fine. This was something that I had always wanted to do and studied English diligently for. I was composing music back in college and had played in the band. I even sang as the lead vocalist of my school band. It was all worth it. It was my perfect dream.

 

The day came and everyone was at the airport. Appa and Unnie followed me to Boston to assist with my registration and ensure that I have a roof over my head. I know Appa has been working so hard so that I could attend this school. But I prefer to do it on my own so I have been singing at the pubs to earn enough for me to apply for this college.

 

I promised Omma that I would call her every single day to update my daily activities. She was so terrified to let me go. Well I could understand. Her youngest daughter would be staying far apart from her. Omma has been babying me for the longest time. I did wonder if I could survive without her.

 

I was stunned when I saw the boxes my Appa has checked in for me. Omma has packed some side dishes for my consumption over the 6 months. I could foresee she would be sending even more in months to come. When we finally reached Boston, we went straight to the school.

 

The school was majestic. It was like what I dreamt of. I saw some students were strumming their guitars and at another corner, someone was fine-tuning his violin. It was the perfect place for me. I love music.

 

“Looks like you might fit well here.”

 

Unnie knows me well. We registered and the school administrator brought me around the compound together with my Appa and Unnie. I was extremely impressed and clearly excited to start my new life here. The administrator is an exceptionally nice lady.

 

“Here we are. I’ll show you your hostel.”

 

We got up to the 2^nd level and my room was at the corner. I love it. I fell in love with the surrounding. The lounge was just next to my room and stood in the middle was a grand white piano. I was informed that I could play it any time I like but of course within the time restrictions.

 

“You’ll be sharing with another girl who is also from Seoul. But she has been here longer than you, probably for 8 months.”

 

“Oh, that’s great! Someone from hometown! At least my sister won’t be lonely.”

 

“Well, there’s something peculiar about this girl. But she’s nice. It’s just that she prefers to spend time on her own and the girls here hardly talk to her.”

 

“Maybe she’s not used to it?”

 

“I guess so. But don’t worry. If you have any issues, you can just look for me.”

 

“Thank you, I will do that.”

 

“Welcome to Berklee! Feel at home! These few days, we will just organize an orientation so that you will know where to head or familiarize yourself with the school compound.”

 

“Sure! Thanks!”

 

I settled down pretty quickly; Appa helped me with my luggage and Unnie utilized my space area accordingly. The study table was long and there were two seats – so one side was hers and the other side was mine. I saw some files and books on her side, so I assumed that the empty table was mine. So I pulled out my family photos and polaroid photos of my friends. I arranged them neatly on my table. I glanced to my right and I saw HER.

 

She has silver hair with bangs, and she has the cutest upper buck teeth. She was smiling and there was a girl standing next to her. They seem close. Wait, the girl was kissing her.

 

“Hi!”

I heard a greeting and looked over my shoulder. My sister was greeting a stranger with silver hair at the door. The girl nodded and bowed politely.

 

“Hi, I’m Solar.”

 

I stretched out my hand and it took her a few seconds before she responded to me. She held her hand out and gave my palm a gentle squeeze.

 

“Moonbyul.”

 

My Appa was delighted when Moonbyul conversed with him in our native language. She was polite; gentle but the way she looked at me was a little intimidating. It was like as though she was checking me out.

 

The remaining time of the day was a day tour around the city where the college was situated. Moonbyul drove us around and even took us to a small stall that sells Korean food.

 

“AHHH. TTEOKBOKKI!”

 

My Unnie loves it; so do I. We were just monsters for that one dish. My parents sometimes couldn’t even get a bite. We had dinner together; and Appa spent time talking to Moonbyul. I was impressed by her choice of studies – Bachelor of Music in Music Therapy.

 

“Wow, that sounds so grand.”

 

“It’s my passion.”

 

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll do well.”

 

“Thank you, Abonim.”

 

I was floored when she talked about her passion. I could see she clearly loves her major and I was often caught staring at her. My Unnie has sharp eyes.

 

“Stop staring at her like that.”

 

Unnie whispered in my ears. I couldn’t help it considering that she’s my Sunbae.

 

“But you looked like as though you’re falling in love with her.”

 

“Don’t be an idiot. I’m just impressed and admire her.”

 

My Unnie wasn’t easily fooled but she left it as that. I couldn’t continue staring at her, so I looked away. The evening came quickly, and my family had to return to the hotel. Their flight would be in early hours. I couldn’t send them off.

 

So, we said our goodbyes and my heart was tugging so badly. I was pretty sure I’m going to miss them so much. Appa reminded me to take care of myself and implored Moonbyul to look out for me. I was stunned when Moonbyul declared that she would.

 

“That’s my duty, Abonim. Don’t worry, I’ll keep her safe.”

 

What was that?

 

-

 

It was bearable. I have wonderful course mates. We often hang out together. Moonbyul’s course was held like few blocks away from me so we hardly meet. We would only see each other back in our hostel room. One night, I was returning with my course mate. Eric Nam, he was born in US, but his family is from South Korea. I was ecstatic to find someone who could understand my native language.

 

Eric is a little older than me. But he’s so knowledgeable. And he has a nice voice. We spent time together and we got closer over time. Many of our course mates thought we were dating. Well, I knew I wasn’t.

 

He walked me back to my room. I could see many girls were smitten with him. And I knew he was popular with the girls and a well-known Casanova. But he had never made a move on me. Well, not yet.

 

“So, you stay here?”

 

We finally reached to the last doorway. And my room was located at the far end. I nodded and thanked him for walking me home after dark. He flashed me his mega-watt smile and even patted gently on my head.

 

“It has been a pleasure having you around. You’re really fun to be with, Solar.”

 

“I guess so. You better head home now.”

 

“Sure, text me.”

 

He leaned closer and was about to hug me but I pulled away. I was still a little apprehensive and probably conservative at heart. He had no qualms at all.

 

“Ah, still too early?”

 

“I guess it’s better to just have minimal skinship or something. You’re not my boyfriend.”

 

“Yet. I’m not your boyfriend yet.”

 

He grinned before walking away. I stood there; bewildered. Was that even a confession or was it a playboy slang? Honestly, I didn’t feel anything for him. And I didn’t think much about it either. I was just here to study and complete my degree.

 

But I was completely stunned when the minute I turned, I was standing face to face with Moonbyul; glaring at Eric. She then took my hand and pulled me back to the room. She tugged me gently before slamming the door behind us.

 

I was taken aback by her sudden rough actions. Why was she pissed off?

 

“Is everything okay, Moonbyul?”

 

“Get away from that guy, Yong.”

 

Yong, yes. That was her nickname for me. She asked about my Korean name and my name is Yongsun. She decided to call me Yong and I kinda like it because it was endearing.

 

“He’s just a course mate to me.”

 

“Yes, but he has motives on you.”

 

“Motives?”

 

“Never mind, just stay away from him. If you need a ride back, call me. I will fetch you back.”

 

She then left for the bathroom while I stood there like an idiot.

 

Was that jealousy?

-

 

Days went by normally. Moonbyul was back to her smiling self. I found out. This woman is touchy. She’s clingy and she’s a choding. She would play pranks on me and once she stole my towel when I was in the bathroom. I almost threw my chair at her.

 

But even when she was at her most irritating moments, I didn’t seem to mind. She made breakfast; cooked lunch for me and took great care of me. I felt different inside; I felt like I was being pampered and I could get my way easily because Moonbyul gave in all the time.

 

We got closer. We got so close that sometimes I would walk around the room with just my shorts and bra; and Moonbyul wouldn’t flinch at all. And when Eric came over to hang out with me, Moonbyul would pick a huge fight with me and I would get upset with her for days.

 

It was weird the way she got mad at me. It was like how two lovers fought with each other.

 

“Why are you so upset?”

 

“Why is he here again?”

 

“We are course-mates, Byul ah. Of course, we would hang out with one another.”

 

“I don’t see the others doing that.”

 

“Are you jealous or are you just picking up a fight with me?”

 

“Both.”

 

Then she stormed out of the room. I was stumped for a moment but this time around, I couldn’t let it be. So I ran out and chased after her. It was raining heavily; and I could see other students running; searching for shelter. Eric texted that he wouldn’t be coming because of the rain.

 

Well, I didn’t reply him. I was searching for that idiot. That stupid idiot who fought with me over Eric because she was jealous and just wanted to find fault with me.

 

I saw her at the bus stop. She was soaking wet and her eyes were red. And the weirdest part was – I wasn’t even angry. I was worried. I was worried sick for her and yet I couldn’t understand why. I stood in front of her; she noticed my presence but never attempted to look at me.

 

I was desperate for her attention. And I felt sorry even though I couldn’t decipher what I did wrong. Yet I wanted to apologize to her for whatever it was – I wanted to see her smile.

 

“Byul ah.”

 

I went down on my knees and touched her thighs gently with my palms. She was shivering but still maintained her gaze on the floor instead. I put my hands on her cheeks and gently lifted her face up so that we could meet each other’s eyes.

 

I couldn’t say a single word, but I managed a smile. I wiped her tears away and then she started sobbing. Her gaze was fixated at me; and my heart rapidly pumping against my chest. There was this fuzzy feeling enveloping my heart. I wanted to do something stupid, really stupid.

 

“Byul ah, I’m going crazy.”

 

“I know. Me too.”

 

“This is really crazy. Why am I feeling like this?”

 

She didn’t answer. She just leaned in and our foreheads were stuck together. Her gaze softened and I was paralyzed with her next move.

 

We were kissing. Our lips were in-sync and my heart leapt.

 

I literally drowned with joy. For whatever reason this was, I wanted it to last forever.

 

-

 

Our relationship began like that. And I found myself wanting Moonbyul more and more. I love her. I really do. And she loves me too. We spent our moments together; Eric was long forgotten, and I found myself going crazy with this woman.

 

It was my first time falling in love. Yes, I had relationships, but it was during my schooling years. I never really had a relationship which got my adrenalin pumped up whenever Moonbyul was near me. And we had our first ual encounter. I was so nervous that I nearly peed on the bed. But Moonbyul was so ever gentle and I kept wanting to lose myself in her arms.

 

I was completely a fool for her. We had a good run for 6 months before she acted weirdly; bizarre and somewhat terrifying. It was in September. We had our major practical and written examinations. I was in particularly very nervous about my first paper and I studied hard for this.

 

I spent less time with Moonbyul and hung out with my course mates including Eric. We had to compose two songs and perform for our final practical exam. Eric was my partner. We spent time so often together that it irked Moonbyul greatly.

 

So one night, I returned to the hostel way past midnight. I informed Moonbyul but she didn’t reply. Eric then decided that he should send me back since it was late for me to head home alone. We were walking side by side and Eric noticed my silence.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Moonbyul hasn’t replied to me since afternoon.”

 

“Then we better head home quickly.”

 

“Okay.”

 

We walked quickly and Eric was assisting with my guitar bag. Out of sudden, Eric was struck by something or someone. He fell to the ground with a loud thud; he was unconscious. I was stunned for a second before I realized who was the assailant.

 

“Byulie!?”

 

“I warned you to get away from him, right?!”

 

“He sent me home because you didn’t reply to my messages!”

 

“I was mad at you!”

 

“What?”

 

“You know I hate this guy more than anything, YET you spent time with him!”

 

“He’s in my course and we are in a group. I was busy with my exams and we worked together because the lecturer paired us up. I told you so many times!”
 

“I still hate him!”

 

“What did he do wrong to you?! Why did you hate him so much!?”

 

“He’s the reason why Krystal left me!”

 

Krystal. Krystal Jung. Her ex-girlfriend or rather ex-fiancee. I heard of her name before but Moonbyul never really talked about her. But what was Eric’s link with Krystal?

 

Just then, Eric came around and slowly sat up. He was rubbing the back of his head and was stunned to find Moonbyul glaring at him.

 

“Woah, sister. Chill!”

 

“I’m not your sister, jerk!”

 

“Wait, hang on. If this is about Krystal, I can explain!”

 

“What’s there to explain?! You stole her from me!”

 

“No, I didn’t. It was just a misunderstanding!”

 

“You married her!”

 

A sudden wave of pain attacked me through the sides of my brain. The migrane was crushing my brain slowly as I tried to keep up with their conversation. Eric’s married; Moonbyul was almost married. What other revelations that might turn up now?

 

“I had to. I had no choice.”

 

“ YOU!”

 

“Moonbyul! Calm down! You need to listen to me! I have had enough of playing the middle guy between the two of you. I will explain everything to you so can you please put that bloody bat down?”

 

Moonbyul didn’t move but waited. Eric bit his lower lip; watching Moonbyul’s actions carefully. He then looked at me with empathy; like he knew I would be hurt but he didn’t have a choice.

 

“Krystal is sick, Moonbyul. She has leukemia.”

 

Silence ensued quickly and Moonbyul was rooted to the ground.

 

“She knows she’s not going to make it and she doesn’t want to hurt you. So, she asked me for help. Krystal is a distant cousin of mine. I didn’t marry her, Moonbyul. We just had that pretentious marriage to throw you off because she couldn’t bear to let you suffer with her.”

 

The revelation was a shocking truth. It shook Moonbyul to her core. She trembled in her stead and then threw the bat down. Eric was watching her and my heart was aching like crazy. And the worse thing of all, Moonbyul never looked at me, not even once.

 

“Where is she now?”

 

“She’s in the hospital; getting treatment. She’s not getting any better and she’s not going to last much longer.”

 

“Which hospital?”

 

“Boston Medical Centre.”

 

And then she took off. Not a single gaze from her. She just literally ran out of my life; and that was the last time I met her.

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

LEMAK/HWASUN

 

6 months went well but two years of hell when Moonbyul left me in the lurch without a word of goodbye. I guess she loves Krystal. And I probably didn’t matter to her at all. I continued studying at that school; completing my degree.

 

But I shut everyone out of my world. That includes Eric. He was apologetic but it was never his fault. 2 ing long years; with so much pain and hardship. My heart was breaking into pieces again and again. My songs were just about ing lies while in love.

 

Everyone knew I had a hard time. Everybody except for Moon Byulyi. But I was determined to graduate. I didn’t need a ass like her to destroy my future with her cruelty towards my love. Soon after graduation, I was head-hunted by one of the producers in Seoul.

 

I returned to Seoul; a changed person and I stood high; never wanted to fall anymore. I turned into a ; hated love and hated all the lovelies in the world. That was when I meet Anh Hyejin. Her nick name is Hwasa. She’s a just like me so we clicked well.

But people had no idea. They had no ing idea what we went through.

 

“Yongsun unnie, where are you going?”

 

We just had spent the night together. Our bras; and clothes were strewn all over the floor. Yes, that was what I became. I never believe in love anymore. So I just hooked up; had and then moved on. But not Hwasa. We were more like buddies.

 

“Heading home.”

 

“Let’s go to the club.”

 

“We just had and you want me to have with some other random chicks?”

 

“If you’re my girlfriend, I would kill you now.”

 

“Oh come on, I have been through that and that person is still alive.”

 

Hwasa knew my story. She somehow sympathized with me but never said much. We had drinks; drunk like crazy and then we headed to my place. One thing led to another and somehow, she stuck to me like glue.

 

There were times I knew Hwasa had those moments where she found herself falling in love with me. But I warned her. I’m not the kind whom she should be in love with.

 

“You’re crazy, Yongsun. Simply crazy. Screw the girl who made you like this.”

 

Yes, her. the world.

 

-

 

I spent awful lot of time with Hwasa. I showered her with gifts; sent her home from late night quickies; ate at expensive restaurants and even bought an apartment so that we could hang out together easily. Sounds like I’m her girlfriend, right? But I wasn’t. She’s just a fling.

 

One night, I was working late. My phone rang and I just answered absent-mindedly. Hwasa was on the line and she sounded off.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“I’m drinking alone.”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“At the bar.”

 

“What are you even? Wait, I will come over.”

 

“No, don’t bother. If you cannot love me, don’t.”

 

And then she hung up. I stared at the phone for quite some time before I decided to head over anyway. I ponder on her words. “If you cannot love, don’t”. I sighed.

 

Love. It was the scariest and my most hated word in my dictionary. I couldn’t love. I couldn’t even have emotions. Let alone being with a woman like Hwasa. I hate myself. I know I hurt this woman so greatly that I should be shot in the head.

 

Hwasa was completely wasted when I arrived. Her body was half-sprawled on the table. I went over to her and held her in my arms. She was grouchy; grumpy but when she saw me; she burst into tears.

 

“Why? Why is it so hard for you to move on from your heartache and love someone who truly loves you?”

 

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t.”

 

“What the hell did that do to you?”

 

“I was thrown away cruelly.”

 

“And then you cruelly treated me like as though I don’t mean anything to you?”

 

“You know I care about you.”

 

“But I want your love.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

 

“You are the best I ever had, Yongsun. You treat me like a woman, and you make me happy. I can make you happy if you let me.”

 

Hwasa leaned on me; our foreheads stuck together. Tears fell from the corner of her eyes and I wiped them away with my thumb. I smiled; then kissed her forehead.

 

“Don’t fall in love with me. I’m not capable anymore.”

 

“Then why are we still here?”

 

“If you wish to leave, then please do whatever you need to be happy.”

 

And she left me. She couldn’t continue whatever we had. And I let her go. But she smiled while letting go of my hand; she kissed me and then she sighed.

 

“You’re beautiful but broken. I hope you find someone who can put your heart together.”

 

“That sounds grand but I’m fine being alone.”

 

“No, Yongsun. I will pray every day that you will find someone who prove to you that you’re capable to love.”

 

I don’t know. I never thought of that.

 

-

 

5 months later, I found out Hwasa was dating someone. She’s dating a great guy named Kwon Hyuk-Woo. He loves her. He takes good care of her. We meet often; he would tag along. He is nice but sometimes guys can be the clingiest people in the universe. But I think he was afraid that Hwasa would come running back to me again.

 

Well, she did before she met him. But I didn’t want to tear her apart once again, so I rejected her. That was when she met Hyuk Woo.

 

“Okay, why am I playing this game again?”

 

“Hyuk-Woo oppa, keep up, will you?”

 

“I am! But you’re too smart for me to keep up!”

 

I looked on as the two had their playful banter. I was glad Hwasa met someone. And she is happy. Much much happier than she was with me before. I decided to make a move and leave the couple alone. I had enough of the lovey dopey and sweet moments. I hate that.

 

I strolled down the street; couples were everywhere, and it was filled with love. And I really hated that. People said I’m in denial and I just couldn’t move on. Maybe I was. But I find it hard to get through the heartache and emerge a winner. I’m fine being a loser.

 

But not until one day. Until one fine day, some woman marched straight into my life and demanded my attention on her unintentionally.

 

-

JUNG WHEEIN

 

Jung Wheein. She’s bubbly and always smiling at everyone and anyone. Her sweet personality earned her a lot of suitors and admirers, be it girls or guys. She’s the perfect definition of a perfect girlfriend. I met her at my company. Wheein used to sing on demo tapes for our artistes. So, that sweet melodious voice came from her. My director introduced me to her.

 

“Yongsun, meet Wheein. Wheein, this is Kim Yongsun, our music director and songwriter.”

 

“Hi, pleased to meet you.”

 

I was just being polite and professional, but she surprised me. She literally jumped on me and hugged me like as though I have known her for years. And with that big bright smile she had on her face, her warmth hug and sweet melodic voice – my heartstrings tugged at every direction.

 

“It’s really great to finally meet you. Director Kim has been talking about you. I guess we will be working with each other more often now.”

 

Turned out, Wheein has graduated from university and now works for our company as a producer. We worked a lot together; we spent 80% of our time in office and then another 20% at some café trying to finish up some lyrics that we have written together.

 

Wheein is smart. And she is someone who often looks at things from a different perspective. Working with her is comfortable. She smiles a lot. For some reason, looking at her will make me feel at ease.

 

“Unnie, there is a new boy group that Director Kim is planning to debut. But this group is a little bit different. They will be more of a vocalist group.”

 

“Oh? Really?”

 

“Yeah, there will be more ballads than pop songs.”

 

“I guess I better start writing one.”

 

Wheein bit her lower lip; I could feel her eyes on me. I turned to look at her; burrowing my eyebrows together.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I have one song in mind. I have written it like years ago.”

 

“Oh? Do you still have it?”

 

“It’s in my ipad. Can I share with you?”

 

“Sure.”

 

She pulled out her ipad and skimmed her fingers against the panel. I was sitting back; watching her. She was sticking out her tongue and tucked it at the corner of her lips; her eyes were fixed on her ipad; probably searching for the song she had written.

I smiled, subconsciously. My heartstrings were tugging in the weirdest manner. Then suddenly she looked up; her dimples surfaced; her mega-watt smile shone through – and then she reached out for my arm.

 

“Found it!”

 

I was taken aback for a second but quickly composed myself. She then stood up and walked over to my keyboard.

 

“You’re going to sing it?”

 

“Yeah, I wrote and composed it. I was heartbroken back then. So, this song is about my previous relationship.”

 

You can say love's forever
And find it never stays
In you I've recovered
The one thing that must remain
I'm tired of a world undone
I've figured out you're my setting sun
 

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
 

Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other
Oh it's Cruel
Oh it's Cruel

I can hold back emotions
Get lost in a maze
But this urgency tells me
I just can't refrain
Dreams have come and passed me by
But now it's time to redefine (yeah)
 

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
 

Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

I've seen it come and go so many times
But this is critical, the truth
I can't hide
(Can't hide)
And I don't know why

(And I don't know why, I don't know why)
Yeah, oh yeah
(So cruel)
So cruel, oh
It's cruel the way I'm loving you, oh yeah
(So cruel)
Cruel the way I'm loving you

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
(It's cruel the way I'm loving you)
(Baby now I know it's true)
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
 

Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

 

-

 

Somehow, we ended up at the café across our office building. The song she has written – I was completely lost in it. And the way she sang it; I could feel her heart breaking. I could feel her emotions and I swear I could see tears b in her eyes.

 

And when she stopped singing, I was still stupefied. I knew I was staring at her. And I couldn’t stop. Eventually, she needed a little time out. Probably she was affected by it. Her heart was still conflicted by the lyrics she wrote years ago.

 

“Unnie, have you gotten your heart broken before?”

 

“Yeah, I did.”

 

“It , right?”

 

“Never been so broken before.”

 

“Well, we got our hearts broken but we grew out of it, right?”

 

I looked at her. I never grew out of it. I was still stuck in that person’s shadow. But I never said it out loud.

 

“Did you?”

 

I asked her instead. Her smile faded and her gaze softened. It was like as though the broken moments swept through her memory and I felt like bringing it up. I should have known better. Broken memories hurt like .

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Nah, don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

 

“But you seem forlorn. It must have hurt so much.”

 

“Love is cruel, Unnie.”

 

I looked at her; surprised with her revelation.

 

“If it’s not cruel, many of us will be blissfully happy right now. We just need to continuously search for that one greatest love of our lifetime.”

 

“You’re searching for one now?”

 

“If it happens, then it will happen. I’m not going to stop myself from falling in love even if the experience I had tore me apart and had me depressed for a couple of years. I grew out of that and told myself. I will fall in love but not now. Not yet. Perhaps another a couple of years, when the time is right and god is willing, I will find that right one.”

 

-

 

From that day onwards, Wheein slowly crept into my heart. But this time around, I was being careful. And I’m certain Wheein was too. We started out as friends. We hung out together; spent time – going for movie dates, dinner dates and Wheein introduced me to her mother. The lady took a huge liking in me and I was quickly drawn back into the world of love.

 

And I shared my insecurities with Hwasa. Of course, she flipped when I told her about Wheein. But she was genuinely happy for me.

 

“I told you. You would find someone. That someone just wasn’t me.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

“Don’t think about it. It’s in the past now. And I’m happy with Loco oppa.”

 

“Why did he choose that nickname again?”

 

“I don’t know. I just thought it sounded cool.”

 

I rolled my eyes at her and she stuck her tongue out. Hwasa laughed before she started to speak up again. And this time, those words rang in my ears.

 

“Unnie, if this is love, if this is what your heart wants, please, please do not run away again.”

 

I kept my silence because her words weighed heavily in my heart.

 

“Because I know you loved me, but you were afraid. And when I let go, I knew you were upset because when I’m with Loco oppa, your eyes said it all.”

 

“They did?”

 

“They do. And I don’t want to rake up your past by confronting you. I just thought maybe you need someone who can really shake you. And I hope if Wheein is that someone, please do not give it up.”

 

-

 

“Hey, it wasn’t my fault. The pool was too deep!”

 

“Wheein, just admit. You’re short.”

 

“Hwasa, you’re such an .”

 

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. And we had breakfast together – Hwasa, her boyfriend, Wheein and myself. I introduced Wheein to Hwasa few weeks ago. I took Hwasa’s advice seriously and found myself with a girlfriend.

 

Jung Wheein. We are dating. And we told each other that we would take it slow this time. Apparently, Wheein’s past relationship was too sudden and when they broke up, it was equally sudden too. Sounded like mine. But hers was worse. The woman played her out and married her guy cousin. Mine, just disappeared without a word.

 

Wheein is so easy to love. She is independent but at times she would be clingy. I was fine with that. In fact, I like that. Because there were times when I would be so busy with work, I wouldn’t have time for her. And Wheein didn’t complain. And then vice versa, I learnt to give and take.

 

Wheein fits well in my arms. Because of her small and petite frame, my arms would easily envelope around her. She changed me. I was becoming friendlier; more smiley and more easy-going. People who used to work with me were surprised at my sudden change. They call Wheein GOD.

 

Don’t ask me why but I guess they were grateful to Wheein for bringing my real self out of my broken shell. Hwasa became fast friend with her since both are of the same age. Loco became like a big brother to all of us. He would look out on the both girls for me. I’m grateful that he’s around.

 

I was too deep in thoughts; thoughts of my Wheein. My Wheein. That sounds nice on my lips. A smile crept on my face and then someone hugged me from behind. I glanced over my shoulder. My angel.

 

“Why are you smiling to yourself?”

 

She placed her chin on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my waist tightly. I rested my arms on hers.

 

“Thinking of you.”

 

“Why me?”

 

“Because I love you.”

 

Wheein blushed instantly. It was one of those moments where I felt like I had to tell her. I had to tell her I love her before I start losing her like how I stupidly lost Hwasa.

 

Hwasa was right. I did love her. But I never act on it. And it was the stupidest thing I had ever done because Hwasa is really a great lover. I admit. I was jealous for all those times we spent together – 3 of us at the bar.

 

But not anymore. I found my love.

 

“Baby, you never told me about your ex.”

 

Wheein asked me one day. I swear my body tensed up the moment she reminded me of Byulyi. I wasn’t too sure if I could even remember her. But of course, I remembered how she threw me away cruelly.

 

I finally told her. I told her from A to Z. How bizarre the way I fell in love and how our relationship started. The problem was, it started suddenly. We were attracted to each other. We wanted each other. But Moonbyul could never forget her first love.

 

I guess we only lasted for 6 months so it was easier to throw me away. Well, that reason solidified my determination to move on but I was still trapped in her shadow. Wheein listened to me attentively. She didn’t speak a single word until I finished my story.

 

I love her for that; for her sensitivity. There was a minute silence before Wheein finally spoke up.

 

“Oh god. How could she do this to you? Poor baby. You must have been lost and heartbroken.”

 

“She didn’t even say goodbye to me. And those times I missed her, I felt like killing myself. I would toy with the knife cutter and let the edge rest on my wrist. But I never had the courage to do it.”

 

Wheein suddenly captured my wrists with her palms. She held on tightly and then she kissed me on my forehead.

 

“You know why you didn’t have the courage to?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“Because God wants to lead you to me.”

 

. Tears instantly spilled from the corner of my eyes. I was inclined to believe in that and I think it’s true. He has found someone for me but I had to go through the process to find this person. And she’s here.

 

“I love you, Yongsun unnie. We will always be together forever.”

 

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