Three days since I came home. Everything is the same, almost...

I am lying on my bed now, alone for what feels like the first time since I came back. I was busy since I arrived, from helping my mom, to chatting with dad and my brother to doing minimal house chores. And just like a programmed application, my mind drifted to her. I can't help it, she has been in this same room a couple of times before. Some of her things are still here, well-kept but I never put them away. I didn't want to move them because I'm afraid it'll erase her trace in my room, in my life and I was not ready for that then. No. I am not ready even now.

The photos on my bedside cabinet are still here. One of them is a family photo and the other one is us looking happy. Both of my hands on either side of her head, my lips on her temple, my eyes screaming happy and a big smile on her face as she snapped the photo. It was taken right after our graduation ceremony, the same day we learned that she got accepted in her dream university. I am so proud to be hers and her to be mine. Back then, it seems like everything was going our way. I was training to achieve my dreams, she is going to college to pursue her passion and most of all, we were together. I felt invincible.

I sighed. I am starting to think that being home and alone is a bad idea. I can't do anything now so my mind will keep on doing this goddamn torture. I need to have some fresh air.

I am making my way outside when I heard my mom asking, "Are you finally going to see Hyemi?"

I stopped abruptly. I forgot my parents don't know how things ended up with us.. to be fair, I don't even know how to call it. All I know is that I broke both of our hearts.

"No, just going out for a walk," I said before kissing her cheeks.

The cold breeze is more than welcome. I kept walking without any definite destination. Or so I thought.

“I was thinking, maybe I can get a dorm that will be close to yours when you make it? I mean, I know you won’t be allowed to see me often but it’ll provide the fantasy that I’m always close,” she said while absentmindedly running her thumb to my knuckles. She looks so deep in thought so I took the chance to observe her features. I’ve done this a lot of times already but I can’t seem to have enough.

I hummed in response which she took as a disinterested answer.

“I, uh, I.. I’m sorry if I am getting way ahead in my head, if you don’t want me close by then, I would just get one outside the campus,” she said looking down and my heart aches, feeling the urge to hold her close.

Instead, I grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me, “I always want you close, Hyemi. We’ve been together for almost three years, I thought I made that pretty clear.”

It pains me to see her insecure, to see her doubt herself over and over again. She accidentally voiced it out to me one time, how she thinks I deserve a ‘better, prettier’ girl but I thought I kissed those worries away, saying I already have the best one with me.

She smiled but I know the doubt is still eating her.

An idea hit me, it’s crazy but at the moment, I don’t care. If it will tone down her insecurity, I will do it, no matter how crazy and rash it sounds. I kneeled in front of her. I smiled seeing her eyes widened then took the knuckle ring I am wearing.

"You look cute right now," I started just to get her relax for a bit. Nothing changed. Hyemi's still staring at me like it's the first time she's seeing me for real. She tried to say something but nothing came out when she opened .
 

She’s too cute.

"Okay, here goes nothing. I want to give this ring to you as a reminder that I will always look forward to the day when we both achieved our dreams and we can be together every single day. This should remind you that you are enough, that you are the best one for me, that my home is with you. I will wait for that day, whatever happens in between. You have my heart. And this ring," I said as I put the ring on her left thumb.. and it doesn't fit. It's too big. Well, . Too much for being romantic.

Hyemi laughed. She stared at the ring that is too big for any of her fingers then grabbed my hand to help me stand up. She hugged me, her head on my chest. "Is that a proposal?"

"Something like that. I prefer the word promise though," I whispered, hugging her back. We stayed like than for quite some time until I suddenly felt my shirt getting wet.

"Hey, hey, are you crying?" I pulled away from the hug, just enough to stare at her and her tear-stained eyes.

"I'm just..so so so happy. God, I love you,” she said. My heart was filled with that familiar warmth I get every time she declares her love for me. I wanted to say I love her too but those words don’t feel enough so I brought my lips down to hers and kissed her. She was surprised for a moment but she started melting to the kiss as I poured all the emotions, the love, the care, the trust I have for her, for us. That moment was perfect.

I smiled at the memory. It happened exactly at this place. I sighed. I really need to see her. I want to explain, I want another chance, I want to keep my promise if she still feels the same way. I hope she does.

So much for getting my head cleared. I walked to the swing and sat. I looked around, trying to get the familiar feeling back. It feels like home. Well, almost. I sat there for minutes, probably hours. I really lost track of time until my old phone rang. The caller ID is an old friend, Subin. I answered.

“Hey,” I said as I stood up from the swing.

“Yow, bumped into your brother and heard you’re back home. Want to come over? The old club's here,” Subin said. Sure enough, I can hear voices in the background.

I hesitated. If the old club is there, then Hyemi would also be there..

"Yeah.. but I can't. I need to rest, it's the whole point of my break," I said, immediately regretting the words the moment they left my mouth.

Subin sighed and said they can just visit me over the weekend. I agreed since I missed their company.

I ended the call and put my head on my hands, mentally cursing myself. Why did I decline? I want to see her so bad but what did I just do? I avoided a chance. I made an excuse. After all this time, I'm still the coward I was back then.

Defeated in my own mental struggle, I stood up and traced my way back home. I am too absorbed in my self-pity and self-blame that I didn't notice the figure fidgeting in front of our house until I am a two houses away..

It can't be.

No.

I am imagining people now.

But..
 

I'd know that shadow anywhere.
 

How?
 

Why?

Not trusting my balance and sanity, I took tentative steps towards the figure, my mind clouded with questions.

When I am beside her, she looked up and that was all it took for my heart to shatter in pieces again.

The look she gave me was not the warm, loving one I remembered.

Who am I kidding? Of course it won't be loving anymore but it surprised me that it's not anger or unfamiliarity. My hope that I was the only one suffering until now was crashed.

She’s lost. And it broke me even more.

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Word Count: 1392