why tell me why, did I fall for those eyes

part two

 

***

 

No, no, no.

 

Nil.

 

Nay.

 

Nada.

 

Bobby’s words echo in Jennie’s head more often than they should. They travel back to her mind no matter how much she ignores them, like a whip constantly pulling at its target, just drawing it closer and closer, until Jennie’s thoughts are preoccupied by Bobby’s preposterous implication.

 

She had played it cool, as cool as a melting ice cube when a drop of sweat had trickled down her forehead. The rational part of her brain had told her it was caused by the lighting above them. Yup. It’s all the horribly chosen lighting’s fault, causing her to sweat in her seat despite the air conditioning blasting a chilly breeze at them.

 

But Bobby still waited for a response.

 

Somehow, Jennie wanted to throw him rebuttal of her own. An explanation which would make more sense than his silly statement. Unfortunately, Jennie had choked on her words and instead, simply shook her head disregarding Bobby’s inquisitive look.

 

Bobby had taken it as a sign to leave the subject behind, a feat of his Jennie is thankful for. He knows how to stop, knows where his boundaries are at if things can get too uncomfortable for the other person.

 

But what is Jennie exactly uncomfortable about?

 

Was it the suggestive expression on his face?

 

Or.

 

Was it the words she had been shoving at the back of her head?

 

Jennie huffs into her pillow in exasperation.

 

She reaches for her phone on the bed and checks for the time, growing more exasperated at the bright 3:45 AM flashing at her mockingly. Her hand blindly flings her phone to the side, the thud, thud, thud noise it makes upon falling to the floor disturbs Kuma from his deep slumber. He scampers his way up to her bed in surprise, cowering against her chest.

 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Jennie mumbles into his ear, soothing his soft fur with her palm. Kuma hums in satisfaction at the touch, drifting into sleep as his beady doggy eyes flutter closed in an instant. His gentle snores spread in her room, a sound that usually lulled Jennie into a spell of drowsiness.

Right now, however, no spell could render her asleep.

She looks at Kuma’s sleeping form, stomach rising and falling from his even breathing. And in that moment, she envies her dog.

 

***

 

Blackpink’s comeback has become Jennie’s saving grace.

 

The preparation period had preoccupied everyone from recordings, to dance practices, and daily workout routines that Jennie hardly thought about her conversation with Bobby. Hardly. It comes to her at random. Sometimes when she’s eating or taking a shower, hell, even when the person in question is in the same room as her. But since her main focus had been the completion of their album and Ddu-du Ddu-du, Jennie had easily brushed it aside, sweeping the nagging thoughts under the rug.

 

And when the comeback itself had commenced, Jennie found herself drowning with work so really, she had no time to think about it at all.

 

There’s also a ton more issues to worry about, like global warming, world hunger and Jisoo’s unhealthy obsession with chicken, rather than the thunderbolt spark that zaps Jennie whenever Lisa would intertwine her fingers with hers or whenever Lisa would give her one of those obnoxious little kisses on the cheek.

The weeks had rolled by fast and suddenly, Jennie is standing backstage in one of Japan’s arenas.

 

Each of the members had been given a solo performance to do whatever they desired. Jennie was first to finish so she had already changed into her next outfit while Rosé is still getting ready in the dressing room.

 

A flat screen TV is hung on one wall, channeling a footage of the scene outside. It’s mostly dark, aside from the bright pink illumination emitted by their fans’ lightsticks.

 

Pride funnels through Jennie, witnessing months of hard work come into a reality. It had been hellish for them in the past months, not being able to do anything to fulfill their fans’ wishes for another comeback in a span of a year. Although they were gifted with a hundred days of vacation, they were restless to release something.

 

The screams of the crowd increase in volume and Jennie could even hear them from where she stands. Lights have dimmed, indicating the start of the next solo performance. An audio recording announces Lisa’s entrance.

 

“Lalisa Manoban.”

 

Lisa appears after a succession of static red and pink lights on the LED screen.

 

“Shut up. Dance.”

 

Jennie may have known Lisa for around seven years now but the girl never ceases to amaze her. The aura she brings to the dancefloor has a completely different vibe from how she is in real life: goofy, aloof and charmingly awkward.

 

Onstage, Lisa transforms into another person, like she has this separate persona reserved for performing. Her stage presence is incredible, moving about in great confidence and everything about what she does is effortless. It’s no wonder she surpassed the auditions into YG, beating the other seven hundred hopefuls.

 

Jennie knows Lisa deserves this, the screams, the cheers and the high-pitched girlish shrieking of her fangirls and fanboys alike.

 

The music shifts and so as the lights to fit the theme of the song. Lisa tosses her jacket somewhere in the front row. Their screaming intensifies, a mixture of howling and hooting. The back-up dancers have left Lisa to be by herself, her hips swaying gracefully to the slow, low rhythm. Her hands roam all over her body, every part like a destination meant to be visited. They smooth from her head, to the sides of her neck, her chest then down to her legs and up to her torso again. It’s all so sensual and extremely mature, the utter opposite of who Lisa is.

 

And Jennie has the urge to splash some holy water onto the TV.

 

Other than that, her eyes have been transfixed onto the screen as if Lisa’s dancing has become a form of hypnosis, luring viewers into a trance. The youngest member drops to the floor, balances her weight on her arms and lifts up her legs in a mid-air split.

 

That’s when Jennie’s brain short-circuits.

 

begins to dry, her heartbeat hammering against it, and she’s achingly parched, in need of something to quench her thirst. Something that isn’t water.

Jennie had seen this during practice but the actual performance creates a distinct atmosphere, and she feels as though she has the wind knocked out from her.

 

Something in her stomach flips.

 

Oh no.

 

“Need some air?” Jisoo asks beside her, waiting for her cue to get on.

 

“W-what?”

 

“Before our next performance.” The older girl specifies, gazing at her with concern. “You seem tense…or something.”

 

“It’s time!” a staff ushers Jisoo hastily forward, rescuing Jennie from further questions.

 

She remains catatonic.

 

Her body’s reactions have clouded her mind once again. She has gone on an internal panic, the thoughts she’s having colliding fiercely with her rationalities, breaking the barrier she had constructed to protect her from unwanted notions. She’s brought back to the present after the round of applause rings in her ears.

 

Seeing Lisa return backstage, she’s got these dots of perspiration making her glow and oh my God, since when did sweat look so damned good on someone? There’s an indescribable heat pooling in Jennie’s belly and no amount of make-up could mask out the tinge of red painted on her cheeks.

 

Jennie swallows thickly.

 

And it’s right then and there she realizes that oh gosh.

 

She’s got a ridiculous girl crush on her bandmate.

 

***

 

Crushes are fine.

 

Everyone has them.

 

No big deal.

 

And Jennie is sure hers stems from admiration, none of that belonging beyond friendship. None of that cheesy schoolgirl romance. None of that gooey cliché falling-for-your best friend type of thing.

 

It’s strictly platonic.

 

And Jennie is a girl.

 

Lisa is a girl.

 

It just can’t be.

 

***

 

Another of YG’s rule, not only Jennie loves to break but the rest of the girls as well, is the prohibition of alcohol. It’s not that they’re banned from it (they’re well into their twenties for Pete’s sake), it’s just that their idol status prevents them from enjoying it under the scrutiny of the public eye.

 

Okay, so maybe it has something to do with being a female idol since there’s no problem with having their male labelmates film themselves in a drinking session. Society has certain expectations for women to uphold and YG always reminds them about the consequences if a news outbreak of a scandal were to occur.

 

But screw the patriarchy or whatever, because there’s no stopping Jennie from getting her hands on some fancy alcoholic beverages at the bar of the hotel they’re staying at in Indonesia.

 

She slides a wad of cash towards the bartender, an unspoken agreement between them to keep their little drinking spree under wraps (tabloids gaining information about this incident would send her to the seventh floor). Especially when their manager believes they’ve been asleep for the past hour.

 

Her members were reluctant at her proposal at first, Jisoo being the one to voice out her apprehension, acting as the spokesperson for the other two (the maknae line just usually go with whatever the unnis decide). Jennie had managed to convince them that they’re at a foreign country anyway (the stakes are low), there’s an exclusive VIP room they can rent (courtesy of Jennie’s precious black card) and it can serve as a celebration for the success of SOLO.

 

Two hours and many, many, drinks later, they’re all laughing at nothing with their faces flushed and words slurring as they speak.

 

Rosé had gone to the bartender requesting for more drinks (the surviving sober out of the four), taking everyone’s phones in case they would do something regretful like doing a Vlive while Jisoo twerks for the camera (it’s possible, very possible, Jennie admits).

 

“I think I need to pee again.” Jisoo sets her tequila sunrise on the table, wiping her bottom lip with the back of her hand. Her hair is in disarray, from the hair flipping she had been doing as they sang their lungs out to karaoke.

 

“Then go,” Jennie quips, her vision blurring at the sides. She’s relatively sober, at least she thinks she is, her consciousness and common sense hasn’t abandoned her yet. It’s a good sign.

 

“Ugh, I don’t want to get up,” Jisoo whines.

 

“If you’re expecting us to carry you, don’t hope.”

 

Jisoo pouts at her, groaning defeatedly as she pushes her chair back then exits the VIP room. It’s only when Lisa’s voice captures Jennie’s attention that it dawns on her they’re alone.

 

It doesn’t bother her.

 

“So did you find the guy in your video good-looking?” a not out-of-the-blue question since their previous topic had been the filming of Jennie’s music video in Paris.

 

“He was attractive,” Jennie confesses, though she can’t remember his name. Was it Toby? Tony? Cory? God, she can’t even remember which country they’re at. Jennie shuts her eyes in an attempt to regain proper thinking.

 

“Like I’d totally kiss you if you asked kind of attractive?” Lisa asks, her tone dropping to a fewer octaves.

 

It sends a chill down Jennie’s, the question hitting her differently, goosebumps prickling on her skin. She shuts her eyes harder, and the alcohol in her system is helping her divert her worries elsewhere. In effect, her mind threatens to lose its consciousness. She’s brought back when she’s abruptly reminded of Lisa’s question, so even in her disoriented state, she wills herself to reply but instead blurts out words she hadn’t planned to say:

 

“Yeah I’d totally kiss you if you asked.”

 

“What?”

 

“What.” Jennie’s eyes fly wide open in surprise, effectively sobering up in seconds.

 

“Said she’d kiss you if you asked.”

 

Jennie jerks her body in her seat, hand over her beating chest. “How long have you been here?!” She nearly suffers from a heart attack upon seeing Jisoo lazily slumped in her seat opposite to them with her arms folded like she’s been watching the entire exchange the whole time.

 

“Lice! Your mum’s calling!” Rosé peers her head into the VIP room, Lisa’s iPhone in her possession.

 

“Oh! Thanks, Rosie.”

 

Lisa runs to her, both girls presumably heading somewhere less noisy, and Jennie crosses her fingers that Lisa would have long forgotten about what she said by tomorrow. Her heart is still bounding rapidly against her ribcage and her breathing hasn’t calmed until now. She sinks in her chair, sighing at the close call.

 

Jisoo clears . “So…you’d kiss her if she—”

 

“Shut up!” Jennie rises from her chair and walks away, without failing to hear Jisoo’s loud:

 

“You’re getting sloppy!”

 

***

 

It’s just a crush, it will go away.

 

The phrase has become Jennie’s morning mantra, a desperate kind of prayer, repeating it again and again until it’s completely obliterated. Until her body goes back to what she knows is normal.

 

Jisoo doesn’t mention it, although she does give Jennie these annoying less than subtle snickers (which is far worse in her opinion) whenever Jennie stiffens at Lisa’s touches and cuddly embrace. It’s infuriating. She and Bobby are such a match made in heaven, Jennie thinks.

 

But the one time, the one freaking time, Lisa hiccups in this teensie little “Hic!” Jennie’s body succumbs and she runs out of excuses to justify herself.

 

The three girls have gone out for the weekend but Jennie is in no mood to go shopping or hanging out. It’s difficult to enjoy herself when she’s got these thoughts troubling her day and night, robbing her from a decent sleep. She grips the sides of the sink as she studies her features on the mirror, wondering if the girl on the reflection really is a girl who could be—

 

No, Jennie.

 

No.

 

You are not going to go there. It’s silly, it’s absurd, it’s downright—

 

“LISA OPEN THE DOOR OR I’M GOING TO BREAK THIS IF YOU—oh, hey, unnie.” Rosé’s incessant knocking halts as soon as the bathroom door unlocks, with one hand clutching her stomach.

 

Jennie takes in Rosé’s paler than usual complexion. “You look horrible.”

 

“You’ll be saying the same to the toilet if you don’t leave now.”

 

“Oh my gosh, what happened?”

 

“Can’t talk or I’ll blow up!”

 

Jennie has no interest in listening to the rest of that, so she steps aside to let Rosé in and walks over to the living area and waits. The situation temporarily rids her of her dilemma, welcoming the distaction with open arms. When the duo do return, they’re as white as a sheet and as sick as a child during flu season, sluggishly dragging themselves to the couch for Rosé and to the floor for Jisoo (her legs couldn’t go on much longer).

 

“So what happened?” Jennie asks either one of them, pitying their sickly condition.

 

“Thanks to Jisoo-unnie’s wonderful dining recommendation.” Rosé gives Jisoo a weak glare. “We have now repainted both of our toilets.”

 

Jisoo makes a mere noise at the back of . “Normally, I would argue, but I’m way too tired to deal with your sarcasm.”

 

“I’m home—woah, you all look horrible.” Lisa winces at everyone’s current state. She’s still clad in her gym attire, black Adidas leggings hugging her slender legs and white Adidas sports bra exposing those sleek fine, toned abs.

 

Jennie mentally slaps herself and looks away but Lisa’s worried eyes fall on her. The maknae, ever so caring, goes to Jennie’s side on the couch and feels her forehead with her palm. “Unnie! You’re red, are you burning up?”

 

“D-don’t!” Jennie flinches at her gesture and Lisa is unsure of what she did wrong. “Um, just don’t. Because you’ll catch whatever I have if you come near.” She spots Jisoo from her peripheral, lips pressed into an awkward thin line holding in a giggle.

 

Jennie wants to dig herself a hole.

 

“I’m going to get some fresh air.”

 

“Wait!” Lisa holds her wrist. “You shouldn’t go out—”

 

Jennie withdraws her arm rather harshly, neglecting Rosé’s confused quirk of her eyebrow. “And I’ll be back later!”

 

You

I GIVE UP

You’re right. I have feelings

For a girl

a GIRL bobby. What do i do?

 

Bobby

Hey take it easy jen

Chill out

I mean i totally get u

Lisa is fiiiiine

 

You

You are not helping

And lisa is more than that btw

God guys just looove to focus on that stuff huh

Theres more to her than how hot she is

or whatever shallow comments people have about her

Guys want to date her but have no idea who she really is

Not interested in knowing her aspirations, her dreams

and everything else that makes her whole

This just gets me so riled up

 

 

Bobby

Alright im sorry, i didnt mean it that way

But wow

Never thought i’d see that side of u lol

 

You

shut up...

 

***

 

The logical solution to this illogical problem is obviously, inarguably, without a doubt, to get rid of these unnecessary feelings.

 

Jennie formulates a plan in achieving her goal by being her normal self and acting as casual as she can whenever she’s with Lisa. She’s going to practice herself to lessen the stuttering, avoid the blushing and eradicate the nervous laughing. So she invites Lisa to chill at this cafe by their dorm as Jisoo and Rosé shoot their make-up commercial.

 

“What did you get?” Jennie asks Lisa, returning to her seat after a phone conversation with her father.

 

A waiter arrives, balancing a large glass of milkshake and carefully places it onto their table. He says, “One milkshake and two straws. Enjoy!”

 

As the waiter leaves, Jennie helplessly stammers at the date-like set up. “O-oh, you didn’t have to—”

 

Lisa grabs both straws and inserts them into . “Look how fast I can drink!”

 

Not sure if Jennie should be relieved or disappointed.

 

She still tries to put her plan into action by giving dating a chance.

 

Kai checks all the qualities Jennie searches for in a guy: he’s y, has some killer dance moves and is good-looking. Apart from those, he’s actually a pretty good guy and Jennie hasn’t met anyone else in a long time who hasn’t given her second thoughts for another date. She allows him to take her out again and it goes exceptionally well but Jennie’s mind isn’t in the right place and the guilt troubles her so much that she tells him she can’t be unfair to him and that was the end of it.

 

It’s no use.

 

But Jennie, being the stubborn and proud human being she is, still denies it.

 

***

 

Christmas season is Jennie’s favorite.

 

Everything is so festive, streams of red, white and green decorations are strewn everywhere. And since she’s spending the holidays in Japan makes it even more festive. It’s Blackpink’s tour destination numero uno and it’s much colder, chillier, than the harsh winter in Seoul.

 

There’s a few more hours before soundcheck and their crew is working on the lights for the stage’s set as the girls roam around freely within the arena. Jennie and Jisoo are on the stage, talking idly about this pet slash coffee shop they had visited before while the maknaes are at the bottom of the stage playing with their lightsticks by banging each other on the head competing in a who gets to hit the loudest game Lisa made.

 

Jennie watches them, entertained at how they’re chasing each other loudly, when Rosé trips on an unseen bump on the floor but is able to keep herself from falling on her knees. She says to Lisa, “Damn, it’s really dark in here.”

 

“I gotchu.” Lisa stomps her foot onto the concrete and her shoes immediately light up in colorful hues.

 

Jisoo turns to Jennie and knits her eyebrows as if sending her a coded message saying: you really want that one?

 

 

***

 

Their concert becomes a hit.

 

Jennie was glad the Japanese Blinks loved their Mean Girls rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

 

She was up and ready to retire to her hotel room when Lisa pleads to go with her on a secret Christmas shopping since Jisoo and Rosé were too sleepy to accompany. Jennie’s rebelliousness must have rubbed off on the younger girl and the big pleading doe eyes and cute pout on her face prompts Jennie to naturally, dress warmer for the night and put on her mask.

 

Christmas season means most of the shops are open up until dawn to accommodate the late shoppers. Lisa was quick to do an internet search on the stores nearby their hotel and she comes across a department store just a block away, a five-minute walking distance. They stealthily make their escape, a rush of adrenaline fueling Jennie’s sleep-deprived body.

 

Lisa locks her hand in hers, the simple contact heating up her body better than the layers of clothing she’s wearing. Jennie doesn’t mind, holds on even tighter as Lisa leads her through the thickening crowd of frantic Christmas shoppers.

 

They get to the second floor of the department store, still hand in hand and Jennie feels Lisa has no plans of letting go. Something fuzzy goes off in Jennie’s stomach, like someone had released a flurry of butterflies and they have gone lose.

 

A girl a few feet away from them is talking to one of the store clerks. She’s inquiring about this silver flower necklace she had been eyeing on a week ago but is nowhere to be seen at present. Jennie overhears it’s for someone special. Lisa traces where Jennie’s eyes are directed at and also gapes at the scene with interest.

 

“She’s taking her time isn’t she?”

 

“Probably for her mom.” Jennie guesses. “Or best friend.”

 

“Or a girlfriend.”

 

“What?” Jennie looks up to Lisa, freezing in place. It’s as if time is in a standstill, everything else has lost their ability to move, except for Lisa. Her vision locks onto the taller girl and Jennie can’t explain it into words with what she’s currently feeling. But her heart oozes with warmth, something Jennie didn’t know she was capable of.

 

Lisa notices, spins on her heel and oh-so casually says the phrase Jennie’s been hearing since she was thirteen.

 

“Girls can like girls too.”

 

Lisa squeezes her hand in some sort of assurance because Jennie becomes ten times lighter and ten times warmer despite the North Pole temperature of the department store. “So what are you getting?”

 

The mist in Jennie’s mind has cleared and after almost ten years, it’s only then Jennie accepts the truth with a smile. “Something for someone.”

 

“Someone you like?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

You.

 

But Jennie wouldn’t say that out loud.

 

Not yet.

 

Baby steps, Jennie. Baby steps.

 

“Wait, who do you like?” Lisa asks, curiosity sparkling in her eyes.

 

Jennie sports a mischievous grin underneath her mask then runs off to another aisle with Lisa hot on her tail.

 

“Unnie! You know I’ll still find out!”

 

That’s another problem to deal with later.

 

On the bright side, Jennie has finally accepted the fact that yes, girls can definitely like girls.

 

She takes a glance behind her at Lisa’s running figure.

 

And fall in love with them too.

 

---

 

unedited.

my first ever completed fic!

what do u think?

some of the lines have been taken from incorrect quotes btw

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